Fel By The Wayside
by MotherHeninFlorida
Summary: Falls in the same universe and fandom as both "Larkspur in Eden" and "Linder Legacy", just at a different point along the timeline. Can be read as part of the trilogy or as a standalone fanfic. Contains some mature themes as you would expect in a dystopian story, however language and graphic descriptions have been minimized and are appropriate for maintaining the T rating.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

"Please don't give up hope Fel. Negotiations might bog down again like they did day last yesterday, might even fall apart all together this time."

I sighed as I wiped the sweat off my upper lip and chin with a piece of ancient and threadbare curtain before going back to crawling along the row of radishes to thin them out while still being gentle enough that the thinnings could be replanted and traded at the upcoming barter market. I looked at my crèche sister and told her, "What little hope I had dried up and blew away on the wind last night when we overheard how desperate the town elders are to get out from under the debt burden they built over the last few seasons."

Docia looked more pensive than I had ever seen her. She wasn't a deep thinker normally and it must have cost her to realize the pretty fantasies she had built to deal with her fears we're nothing but moonbeams and wispies. "We would have starved without the barter from the Kipling traders. Harvests have gone bad for three years now."

I growled, "It wasn't a barter deal Docia. They sold our souls to put food in their bellies. Maybe if it had just been food it wouldn't be like ashes on my tongue but they bought a lot of mead with our bodies to wash away their worries while leaving us to make do then and now with whatever future they've sunk us into."

"No one else would deal with us. Everyone local turned their backs. They didn't care if we starved or not."

Still angry I told her, "And no wonder. The Headman started that reckless feud with the Lakesiders for no good reason beyond some stupid, drunken insult that wasn't even worth noticing. Hiring those mercenaries to do his dirty work was bad but the disease they brought with them was worse. It wasn't just the Lakesiders and our people fighting for their lives after that, it was forts and settlements for miles in all directions after it got into the water supply. I wish …"

Docia looked around scared. "Hush! Do you want another punishment?! Wasn't being in the stocks for a week in the snow and ice enough to remind you of your place?"

I snorted, caring nothing if I was overheard or not. "They meant to be rid of me without having to claim the murder. They are only sorry the only thing I lost was a little toe. They would have been happier if it had been my life."

Docia may have been shallow witted but that didn't mean she was stupid. "Still, there's no need to make it worse. If you weren't always so honest with your opinions …"

A snide twitter from three rows over preceded the question, "What could be worse than being sold like cattle at auction? Oh that's right, being sold like a bag of fertilizer to be nothing more than a bed warmer like the lowest saloon girl."

Seeing Docia begin to wilt I stood up to the blonde girl who was gardening in the mud in better clothes than I had ever owned. I told her, "Docia will be a wife so keep a civil tongue in your head Daphne."

She smirked. "Her maybe. You …" Another scathing twitter then she said, "You are going to be a …"

In a rare show of courage Docia said, "She's going to be a wife too!"

An older woman, Daphne's aunt and wife of the Headman, barked a rude laugh. "Where they're from they may call it being a second wife but here we know that's just another word for whore … a mistress to help entertain the husband and keep him satisfied so that the real wife can have some peace."

As a few other women nodded and murmured their agreement I almost asked if that was why her husband escaped to the town's saloon every chance he got. But I didn't. I knew Docia would take some pains for my words and she didn't deserve bruises on top of her fears just for trying to defend me.

A man dressed in what passed for sec gear in our town road up on a strawberry roan and barked, "Stop your cackling you bunch o' brainless feather dusters! The elders are calling for everyone to get to the square and it will be two weeks in the stocks if you drag your feet and hold things up!"

Two weeks in the stocks would be a death sentence for some and I watched them scramble away as I limped over the rocky path feeling every sharp pebble through my thin soled moccasins.

"Hurry Fel! I know your foot is sore but …"

"If you're that eager to meet your fate then go." At her crestfallen expression I felt like kicking myself; just because I was bitter was no reason to hurt poor Docia. More kindly I told her, "Just go. There's not much worse they can do to me but there's no need for you to get into trouble too."

Reluctantly, as she was a true crèche sister, Docia finally began to jog as I slowly followed trying not to stub my foot on what remained of the old highway. In my great grandparents' childhood the area had been called Saburbia or some such. I let the old fact slip by without examining it; I didn't feel much like going over history as the future was more heavily on my mind at the moment. Most would have been surprised if they had realized I even knew any history which was just one of many things I had learned to keep to myself.

Girls did not attend the village school beyond the point where they had learned to read, write, and do basic household sums. Boys got a little more schooling but not much. They were assigned apprenticeships by the time they were ten summers and their masters were expected to train them if they needed anything more. My father taught me at home but was careful to also teach me that it was a survival skill best kept to myself as the men of the town were a different lot from my father who had come from the east on an adventure and then stayed after falling in love with the blacksmith's daughter.

Finally I reached the town square which was nothing more than an old parking lot that had crumbled to gravel before my mother was born. Clumps of weeds were the only thing that could grow there and those had been trampled during the recent barter meetings and looked even more bedraggled than usual. My luck was in for once and no one noticed I was late. They were too busy watching the drama being played out by Daphne and her aunt as they found out being the niece of the Headman wasn't protection against "being sold like a piece of cattle at auction."

The Headman, formerly the one who spoiled Daphne out of all proportion, backhanded her so hard I saw droplets of blood splatter the ground. "Silence girl and don't embarrass me or yourself further. You serve my purpose and that is all."

Daphne, brutalized doubtless for the first time in her life, fell silent in shock at the sudden change in her station. The Headman, a wide and loutish sort, said in the sudden quiet, "The deal is done. Six horses, four teams of mules, a dozen brace of geese, and fifteen maids of marriageable age ends our debt." It was no mistake that the maids were listed last in importance. "All men of the town will put their print in blood on the paper and the Kipling men will do the same. Each settlement will retain a copy so that no man might refute it. Are there any objections?"

The question was merely a formality and everyone knew it. "So be it. I give the maids so named one hour to pack and return here. Should any disobey her family's life and all their worldly goods are forfeit."

Even I was shocked at how quickly things happened after that. About half of us had no family at all and even fewer belongings we could call our own, but what we did have was quickly tucked into rucksacks and kept close in hand as we waited in a corded off area for the other girls to say tearful goodbyes to family they would likely never see or hear from again. The only exception to this might be if some could convince a peddler to carry news on their yearly routes and peddlars had been avoiding us like the plague since … well since the plague had come through.

We were herded down the old highway until we went further than I had ever travelled before, even with my father on his yearly hunting expeditions. We were as silent as the men who guided us like sheep and it gave me time to contemplate our new masters. It was strange but the men looked somehow disgusted but resigned at the same time. Finally, the captain stopped and said, "Put them in the wagon. I wish to make Glennings Pass before dusk. No more delays. Let us be off for home."

The men seemed to get a bit chipper at that so I could tell they were eager to be home, likely as eager as I was for the trip to last forever. I had no idea what was to become of us after we reached our new dwelling place. I contemplated what the travel from this point might be and I wasn't sure what I expected but certainly a comfortable trip in a well sprung wagon wasn't part of it though that is closer to what happened than what I feared.

We were three weeks on the road, sometimes walking, sometimes riding when terrain necessitated it, occasionally picking up another wagon of goods with a driver and guard each, when we finally came to what I thought at first was a large lake. Instead I found out it was a wide river. I had heard of the Mississippi from my father but had never thought to see it much less cross it.

The captain, a man whom we eventually learned was properly named Capt. Rob Uhl, addressed us directly as little as possible. That was nothing unusual as most of the men of our town had been much the same. What was unusual was in his own way he was as bad as a nursemaid with a sick babe to tend when it came to our comfort and safety. I hadn't seen the like since my father died at the hands of the Lakesider that had set our house ablaze with my mother, brother, and old granny purposely trapped inside.

The captain, for all his consideration, treated us as children and tended to expect us to act like them as well. His every word to us reflected this. "We cross by ferry. You will be safe so long as you stay where you are put. If you do not wish the indignity of being tied with the cattle then do as you are told."

I knew from my father's stories that the Mississippi could be traitorous and I was no fool. I was told where to sit by the ferrymaster and sit I did. Or at least I did until another ferry passing too close beside us from the opposite bank suddenly revealed itself to be a cleverly disguised pirate vessel.

When a man fell beside me and Docia was nicked by a ricochet I went cold as I sometimes did. Knowing it probably meant my life was forfeit as women in our town were forbidden weapons, I took the bow and quiver from the fallen man and then did what my father's daughter was taught.

Every arrow I shot found its mark. Each time I thought I had shot my last arrow the quiver would magically refill. It wasn't until the last pirate fell that I saw it was the injured young man and Docia who were refilling the quiver with arrows. I wasn't sure what to think of that and was even less sure when a wide-eyed Docia whispered, "He says you're nearly as good as his aunt … and she is Capt. Uhl's wife."

I didn't like feeling any kind of connection to my new masters but what is done is done and I was nothing if not a realist. I handed the bow and quiver back to the young man and then silently started to help strip the pirates of anything useful before they were tossed onto a raft that was then towed to shore behind the ferry. The pirate vessel was also stripped but it had a huge gash in its side and was soon sinking so was abandoned to its fate. When we reached the dock the ferry operators were thankful enough that the pirates had been routed that they refunded the cost of passage for all persons and goods, a sum even I knew must have been handsomely sized.

At camp that night a noticeably dour Captain Uhl looked around at the wounded then addressed us all. "No loss of life but too many injuries. I would have paid twice the sum for passage if it would have avoided this." His lips thinned then in what looked like pain he glanced my way and I prepared myself for the worst.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

The Captain looked at me and then growled, "Don't be insulting woman, I'm not going to beat you."

I hadn't said a word and had hoped my thoughts hadn't shown on my face. Daphne, who had slowly regained her confidence due to the liberal application of male attention which seemed to give the Captain indigestion, managed to irritate him further when she said, "You should … and worse. She knows the penalty for a woman touching a weapon."

It was Docia's obvious fear and not my own that had me answering, "That rule is barely four summers old and was only made because the elders feared that their women would become as fierce as the Lakesider females … especially after the sickness halved the number of males in town, leaving us to easily outnumber them. It was a stupid rule and was made to keep us down. Your own mother was a fighter and died in battle defending your home."

A muttered, "And see where it left me" were Daphne's only words before she dropped her eyes from mine. I didn't feel particularly powerful at her actions, more it reminded me that she was like she was for a reason and had had no more choice in most things than the rest of us. I made to move back into the shadows but I wasn't allowed to.

The Captain looked at me consideringly and said, "You kept in practice."

Knowing I was well and truly caught I gave up and shrugged. "A body that is expected to work has to eat and those of us in the crèche were sometimes … forgotten."

A few of the girls, including Docia, nodded slowly. The Captain's nephew muttered sotto voice, "Sounds like something that stingy piker would do. From the fat around his middle he didn't miss too many meals though."

I had learned to hide my emotions but it was a struggle not to laugh at what the Headman's outraged expression would have been had he heard what was said and the other derogatory comments the Kiplings men made in agreement.

The Captain cleared his throat and all was silent again. Then addressing me directly, "Be that as it may … are you the only one that is trained?"

"Yes, Captain Uhl. Most of us are useful in a general way but I am the only one who was taught to kill humans if need be." My bluntness momentarily flummoxed him but then he said in a harder voice, "Today wasn't the first time."

I'm still not sure why I answered him truthfully except he had the same steel gray eyes my father had … and that I had as well when I caught my reflection in a bit of still water. "The raiders that killed my family didn't stay on this side of the veil for long."

A boy who could have been no older than my own sixteen years said scornfully, "Liar. No twelve year old girl could have killed a band of warriors."

"Raiders not warriors," I snapped not liking his insult. "And age doesn't matter when you've heard the screams of your Ma and baby brother as they were burned alive or seen your Da scalped just 'cause two Headmen were thinking more with what's in their buckskins than what God gave them inside their skulls." Ignoring Daphne's gasp of outrage I told Captain Uhl, "My father taught me the bow, the sling, and how to build traps for both man and beast. Life has taught me how to use a blade and an ax when need be."

Docia was trying to shush me but stopped when the Captain asked, "Can you ride astride?"

Of course he meant on a horse but by the sniggers coming from a couple of the younger men I could imagine where their mind took the question. Ignoring them I answered, "I prefer mules to horses, I feel they've got more sense."

Daphne muttered, "It's not sense but kinship you feel." I saw Captain Uhl's lips just barely twitch beneath his bushy mustache and silently conceded that for once Daphne might be right.

The Captain beckoned me closer to the fire but as I walked forward my foot knocked against a saddle that was being used as a back rest by one of the men. I had to stop and catch my breath around the sudden and blinding pain. I opened my eyes to find the Captain forcing me to sit and asking, "Are you hurt girl? Why did you saying nothing?"

Docia had already run to my side understanding what had happened and the whole sordid tale came out. My refusal to work in the saloon "for the men's pleasure." The punishment in the stocks. The snowstorm. The frost bite. How I finally had to amputate my own toe when the Headman refused to allow anyone to help me. "Docia sewed me up – she's good with a needle and awl – but we had to be careful the job wasn't too good or the Headman would have put her in the stocks too. I wasn't going to have that. Besides, it's not so bad now; I just stubbed it. I won't leave Docia so even if you dump me off for being gimp I'll follow to make sure she gets settled properly." I ended more belligerently than good sense dictated but I could feel Docia tremble beside me at the idea of us being separated.

The young man gently looking my foot over was the Captain's nephew as well the group's medic. "Uncle, she'll be fine. It is likely diet and overwork that have slowed the healing. Father can confirm it when we reach the fort but he'll tell you the same thing. Leave her go, she's too much like Aunt Winnie; she'll make noise if she thinks someone is fussing over it and only be more trouble."

I jerked my foot away from him but it was Docia who made me blush with irritation when she smiled admiringly at the young man and whispered shyly, "That's Fel alright. She'd rather die silent and in pain than live beholden."

Capt. Uhl snorted and said, "Enough." He wasn't overly rough but everyone obeyed and knew it was time to be serious. "Girl … Fel is it? … you'll take your turn filling out the ranks. You'll be watched so get no ideas of running off. None of us can afford the wasted time it would take to hunt you down and haul you back. We are heading through an area known for highway men." At my confused look he explained, "Consider them a variety of raider. Most of them just ne'er do well locals living out in the bush but capable of being extremely vicious and occasionally clever. They've usually got more sense than to attack a caravan this size, particularly from Kipling, but the year has been leaner pickings than usual for the forest dwellers here, and between our wounded and our goods they likely won't be able to resist at least trying."

Rubbing my nose and thinking I asked, "How do they usually attack? Head on or by stealth?"

He gave me another considering look like I had surprised him and he didn't particularly appreciate it. "Each group – and there are several as they can rarely maintain a coalition for very long – has their own signature. The most common strategy is to pick off the wagon drivers then rush in to create as much shock and confusion as possible as they take control of the goods and run off into the woods with them."

I gave it a thought or two and then let my tongue wag. Turning I said, "Daphne, you Luce and Mara stay to the middle of the wagon. You have your talents but fighting isn't one of them. Hannah, arrange the strongest of us to protect the weaker. Docia, you and Nel had best ride in the wagon holding the wounded men and be prepared to take on more if we are attacked. None of you prattle and if you must speak then whisper. If God wills it they'll give themselves away before they hit; if He doesn't then take their eyes out if they get close enough. Blind men can't aim worth a flip. If you can't take their eyes, go for their gullet and spill their tripes."

Turning to the Captain I said, "You want me to help you then don't leave the rest of us helpless." His face shuttered but I barreled on. I looked at Hannah and though she wasn't happy about it she nodded her head in agreement and I said, "Any weapons we get we'll turn back in. If you won't give us weapons at least lend me a blade so I can cut spears without having to hunt up a sharp rock to use. We will not double cross you, it wouldn't make sense. We are too far from home and familiar territory to be able to make sure we all escape and I for one won't leave anyone behind."

Several of the men gave me a hard look but a big bear of a man named Carter stepped up and said to the Captain, "Begging your pardon Cap'n it only makes sense. The gals will stay in the wagon sure, but there ain't enough able bodied to be all over 'em all the time. This way too they's invested in keeping their own skin on. 'Sides, they ain't give us no trouble up to now. We've dealt fair with them and they's done the same to us. I actially expected to be clawed and scratched to ribbons by now after the way them's men of theirs talked."

I snorted and said, "They aren't our men." A little quieter I added, "At least not anymore. If you really mean to make my friends wives and not saloon girls …"

The Nephew as I had started to call him in my head said, "See Uncle? I told you."

Irritated and affronted in good measure the Captain said, "It's to be brides as set in the bargain. We gave our word."

It was Hannah, who eyed the man Carter in a way I'd never seen her look at a man before. She asked him, "Truly … brides?"

The man honestly blushed but smiled and said, "Truly Maid Hannah. It would be more than my skin – any man's skin – was worth to go against the word and honor of Kipling."

Captain Uhl snorted, "Enough of this. Let the women of Kipling handle this ridiculous situation. For now … for now … we have a bargain and you will get your spears. Woe to you – any of you – if you lie."

I wanted to tell him to stop trying to be scary and go huff and puff somewhere else when I saw a few of the girls blanch in fear but knew that they needed the lesson that regardless of whether we'd been treated fair up to this point they were still just men and strange men at that and trusting them fully would be a mistake.

Contrary to his rough looks Carter acted more teddy bear than grizzly. It made me begin to wonder why these men from such a strong settlement were so eager to please women from so far away when they should have gotten women closer to home to swoon at their feet easily. Between Carter, myself and Hannah the spears were soon made. Hannah was the daughter of one of the town's best Huntsmen … or had been until he had fallen in battle with a tomahawk in his back. I nearly wished a pox on our old Headman until I remembered knowing the randy old goat it would likely be spread to every man in the village once he spent some time at the saloon as was his practice.

Nerves kept me from sleep as soundly as I should have with a hard day ahead of me, and a good thing too. I was staring out to the edge of the camp when by the meager light of the setting moon I saw one of the guards get silently dog piled. I jumped up and gave the same sharp whistle I had heard the men give at the beginning of the battle with the pirates, then the brawl was on.

The spears had been distributed to those of the women that I knew wouldn't hurt themselves with them. I was supposed to get a bow in the morning but it wasn't even time for the cooks to be about yet. The only weapon I had close to hand was a piece of limb from a fallen tree branch. I swung it like a club, connecting with heads and other soft spots as I waded through men trying to get to where I had last seen Docia. Then I heard a scream off in the trees, much further into the trees than it should have been, and I knew the girls were being carried off. I vowed there would be no rape of the Sabine women on my watch.

As I fought I had gained ground and was near one of the campfires. I dropped my limb and pulled out one from the coals that was orange enough on one end that when I shook it a beautiful flame erupted. It gave just enough light that I could take off after my crèche sisters without having to stumble around in the dark.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3**_

The sun was starting to awaken from its slumber and brighten the clearing where we had made camp but a night as dark as pitch still ruled under the tree canopy. I was about ten yards in when I was grabbed the first time.

I hate my peaches being manhandled as it leaves you no dignity and it hurts something fierce; but the grungy highway robber was the first man I'd ever killed over it. I jabbed my torch in his face and he released me with a scream. I continued to rake the burning poker across his ear and his greasy hair and beard caught fire turning him into a human torch.

Right before the idiot started running in circles fanning the air and causing the flames to spread even more I reached in and stole the big pig sticker off of his belt and then skipped off after the sounds telling me that my sisters were putting up a good fight.

They'd caused so much trouble the human traffickers had been forced to stop in a small clearing and were smacking them around trying to subdue them so that they could continue to carry them off. Showed what they knew; we'd been knocked around enough that their fly slaps weren't working as well as they'd expected. From out of the corner of my eye I barely had time to move to take the sting out of a fist coming my way.

With as much contempt as I could manage over a busted lip I asked, "Who taught you to fight you wuss? My old Gran hit harder with a broom and her bedridden and suffering from bent bones."

An enraged bellow was followed by the man making a round house swing at me but in the process opening up his arm pit as a target for the long blade in my hand. As soon as I pulled it free blood gushed from what I knew would be a severed artery. The man would be dead in moments and was already falling shocked to his knees trying to stop the spurting flow. I turned from him and started stabbing kidneys and tripes, which was only determined by the side they had turned towards me.

And I wasn't the only one. Hannah, with a reach to match her proud height, was using a spear to advantage until it got hung up in the ribs of one man. Another man was about to crush her when suddenly Carter came out of the brush bellowing like a bull and with one ham-sized fist nearly took the head off of her attacker.

I would have been satisfied with just rescuing my sisters but the Kipling men decided to obliterate the highwaymen from existence. The remainder of the battle was as bloody as the first part but was over much quicker as the highwaymen gave up in resignation. When all was said and done Captain Uhl had the corpses all strung up in a large tree so that any traveler would see and that word would get around that injured or not, you did not mess with any from Kipling.

The strange thing to me was that despite the brutal finality of the battle there was no gloating by the men of Kipling. By rights they could have. Most men in my experience would have. Instead these men simply gathered their wounded, patched everyone up both male and female, and headed on down the road quietly with not even one mocking jab at the inadequacy of their opponents.

My foot was sore and my face and knuckles bruised but the Captain still had me astride a mule with a stout bow in my hands and a quiver across my back. I watched the tree line and listened for out of place sounds beneath our own travel but would occasionally glance at Docia and Nel as they helped the Nephew tend to the wounded too injured to do anything but lay or sit in one of the wagons. The Captain rode at the head of the caravan. He looked at ease but I could see the tight lines of anger around his mouth and wondered if it was at the additional delay or the injuries caused to his men.

Carter, apparently thinking that our camaraderie over the spears and the battle made it easier to speak to me, approached and asked, "So's … Maid Hannah …"

I rolled my eyes. "Just because I carry this bow doesn't mean that I call Cupid my kin. If you want to know something about Hannah go ask her."

"Welllll …." The big man was actually embarrassed. In that moment I couldn't have kicked the poor teddy bear had my life depended on it.

"Honestly, you Kipling men are so strange."

He asked, "In what way Maid Fel?"

"Well that for one. Calling us all 'Maid' like we have some station to our place in this world. And for another … well, the lot of you act …" I had to stop as I didn't even have the words for how strange they were. I snorted. "Let us just say that you act different from the men of our town and leave it at that."

Looking honestly curious he asked, "And that's bad?"

I shook my head. "No, not if this is truly real and not some play acting meant to fool us for some reason of your own. My crèche sisters might take a while to get used to it though."

"Not you?"

Keeping an eye on the road I said, "Not so much as they. My Da was strange in his own way too. He was a traveler that stopped and then decided to stay as he liked the look of my Ma; the taste of her cooking didn't hurt either. He was more like your Captain only not so refined of speech. He …"

Even after four years the loss of my family felt like a dagger in my heart and I gave up trying to explain. Carter didn't seem to be offended at our unfinished conversation … the big man didn't seem to get offended by much at all. For all his size and ferocity in battle he seemed good natured and easy going.

The next to try their luck was a young buck by the name of Lem Hemmings asking after Daphne. "She's … she's …" I was forced to glance over and witness a moony look that had me looking away as fast as I could to keep from laughing.

"Hmmm, yes Daphne looks … hmmm …"

"She looks like a real lady. My mother warned me not to fall for some Outland girl with no manners. Maid Daphne … even my mother could not find fault with her."

Oh Glory. "Best then to wait for you Ma to … er … have … er … have her say before you go any further. It would be good to show her how much … er … you respect her advice."

I had to bite my lip to keep from saying something cheeky. It would suit me fine for Daphne to wind up with some namby pamby but I could not wish on her the mother in law from hell; she did not deserve that much pay back though I'll admit a part of me was tempted.

It was like that off and on to the point I went from being embarrassed to finding it a little funny to beginning to be irritated … and perhaps a little jealous as none of the men approached me for me, only to find out a bit about my crèche sisters. Luckily I only had to endure a few more days of it before we approached a tall, concrete stockade with heavy gates.

Before we were within a hundred yards riders came out and there was a lot of back slapping and laughing. The way Nephew road up and was embraced by one of the men from the stockade, and by their similar look and build, I took the older man to be his Da or something close to it. The Captain had us push on and he seemed a bit anxious. The women were beginning to be anxious as well and I watched their confidence and curiosity begin to leave them, replaced by a subdued fear of the unknown.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

Once inside the stockade I didn't dare dismount but I did put the mule as close to the women's wagon as I could.

Docia whispered fearfully, "What's to become of us now Fel?"

I patted her shoulder to try and comfort her because I had no words that would do so. Nephew rode over with the man that had greeted him so joyfully and introduced him. "Father, these are the maids we brought back. All are in good health – or as good as can be expected under the circumstances – but a few do need for you to take a closer look at their wounds." I could see the distrust writing itself upon my sisters' faces and after a moment and a nudge from the older man, Nephew could as well.

He looked at me at a loss for how to proceed. If not for the building hysteria I saw in the eyes of a couple of the women I would have let him sink on his own. Putting aside my own discomfort I said, "Is this … your father perhaps?"

"Huh? Oh … oh yes. My wits have gone begging. Maids of … well …" He gave a small smile and said gently, "Maids of Kipling, may I present my father, the Chief Healer of our settlement."

I asked, "And he's a real healer and not just a saw bones?"

Nephew's mouth fell open but the older man had picked up on what I was trying to do. He smiled and nodded. "Not a saw bones … we chase them out of the settlement every time they try and make their way here. But you needn't worry about me; my wife is Head Midwife and will most likely prefer to see you first. For some it is less worrisome to see a healer of their own sex."

Nephew's ears turned rosey as he realized his mistake and rushed to say, "None of that happened on the way here Father. We took care of their honor. But I suppose Mother would still like to assure them they are safe now."

My sisters relaxed but only slightly; it was the best that could be done under the circumstances. Unfortunately, after the two men returned to the Captain's side, that feeling of safety didn't last for long as we all noticed how many men were crowding into the area and how some stared hungrily at us.

Unknown to me why I had come to trust Captain Uhl my eyes sought him. It was with no small shock that I witnessed him embracing a woman … a very pregnant woman. It was at that moment that a man grabbed my leg and without meaning to I called out, "Captain Uhl?!"

I didn't like the sound of panic in my voice. I liked even less the effect it had on my crèche sisters but there were too many men and they seemed to surround us. Realizing just how vulnerable we now were, my mind began to spin. At least at home I would have known what to expect and I would have known which man to be the most dangerous or devious. With so many unknown males fanning out I felt like a lamb in the middle of a jackal pack.

"Enough! Let me through I say!"

It wasn't Captain Uhl's voice cracking like thunder but that of an older woman that wasn't afraid to use the cane she leaned on to make her point and move someone along a little faster. Captain Uhl himself wasn't far behind her and what her cane didn't move, his presence did.

When she was near she said, "You there, girl …" I saw Captain Uhl lean down and tell her something. "You girl … Fel is your name. Drive this wagon forward between the posts of that fence over yon." And turning to glare at all the males in sight she said, "If I catch one uninvited past that gate, regardless of family I'll drop you from the lists. Have I made myself understood?"

Whatever that meant seemed to work on them better than even a painful crack in the shin with her cane had done.

I tried to control my shakes as I climbed from the mule to the wagon seat and do as she ordered. It was easy enough to go forward once the men had moved out of the way and I relaxed just enough not to spook the team of horses I was trying to drive. As soon as the back of the wagon passed through the posts a large gate swung shut and then was barred by two boys who were summarily told to help us get down, to take the cattle and wagon, and then to scram or the old woman would know why not.

It was only a matter of minutes before the boys were hurrying off with the wagon and my crèche sisters and I were left standing with what belongings we had. The old woman glowered and then sniffed. As a capable looking woman came into the space we occupied the old woman said, "Mona, these are the lot of them and sorry enough they look."

"Mother!" the woman reprimanded but not with any real anger. She looked us over and I saw kindness in her eyes, real enough even if some of it was faked. "My son has said your lives before Kipling was not easy." She stopped as if trying to pick her words carefully. "I cannot promise you a life of ease here either, but you have the chance at a different life than the one you left. Certainly one bereft of … hmmm … saloons and rules against protecting yourselves and your homes if attacked. But first I would like to get to know each of you and perhaps you will let me tend to any injuries my son was unable to whilst on the road."

Finding my voice I said, "You are Nephew's mother, the wife of the Chief Healer of Kipling."

A little confused before figuring out who I meant she smiled, "My son is named Robbie after his uncle. Did he not introduce himself?"

I shrugged, "Everyone called him Uhl but then there was Captain Uhl. It was easier in my mind to name him what he was … the Captain's nephew … or just Nephew."

Still smiling like a picture I had once seen in a book the woman said kindly, "I see. Yes, Robbie is my son and my husband is the Chief Healer. And I do what I can to make sure all the midwives in Kipling territory have what they need to do the job right."

Still not ready to relax I asked, "My crèche sisters were told they would be wives."

"And that is important to them? You?"

I shrugged, "It is better than being a whore. As a wife there is usually a family, or the chance to make one, and it's a safer life."

Her smile faltered momentarily then she sighed. "I had hoped to put you more at ease before your new life was dumped in your lap but it appears that perhaps it is best gotten out of the way first."

I immediately tensed, sensing that at least a few facts had been left out on purpose and they had to do with why the Kipling men searched so far afield for women.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5**_

"I know this must all be overwhelming to you but we really do mean you no harm." I moved slightly in front of Docia and Hannah in front of her little sister Nel. The other women bunched up in their own groups and it is wasn't missed by the Midwife or her mother … or the few other older women that stood not too far off. "Please, sit and give us a chance to explain before you judge us."

Hannah and I looked at each other and we knew that as nicely as it was phrased by the beautiful lady that in reality we had no choice. It might have sounded like a request but it was really an order.

After we had all arranged ourselves on the stools and benches that had been placed for us to use the Midwife said, "My name is Mona … Mona Uhl. My husband is the brother of Captain Uhl that brought you here and as I said, my only child is Robbie Uhl who cared for your injuries on the road. I see at least one or two of you have wondered why a large, thriving settlement like Kipling would go to such lengths to bring women in to what should be a healthy population." At my nod she said, "And you would be right, it is passing strange that we have been forced to these lengths. But I assure you it isn't because of death or disease or abuse or anything of that nature … or at least not for Kipling. Our practices have been clean and careful since the Dark Days. Unfortunately we cannot say the same for the territories on our other sides. Warring and natural disasters kept their practices hidden or without consequences until the last few years. There is now a horrible imbalance and the number of males far outnumbers the females in the lands around us."

It was Hannah and not I that asked, "Was it disease that carried their women off?"

"No."

Surprisingly it was Daphne who had the answer, "They were baby killers. Girl children were destroyed so that families wouldn't have to support them and take the food and resources away from the boy babies."

We looked in shock as Mona confirmed it but she asked sharply, "Who told you? Did one of the men …"

Daphne was quick to say, "No. My uncle was the Headman of our town. He had heard stories and rumors. He thought to get one of the peddlars to broker a deal with those groups for a good price to provide women but no peddler ever came, only the men from Kipling. He was angry thinking that you would be selling us off at a good profit on top of the high price the town had to pay for grain and mead."

I tensed but Mona snorted in anger. "As if I would see any female delivered into the hands of those … those … Never, not even over my dead body. Those beasts have nearly ruined us all."

Docia asked, "How Lady Mona?"

The title startled her enough that she was able to regain control. "I'm no lady child. Mona is good enough. And the how takes … takes some explaining. Any population can only stay healthy as long as there is sufficient diversity. Kipling had been bringing brides in from these other groups since the Dark Days. As a result birthrates were relatively stable in Kipling and any instability in the other populations was put down to poor diet, their constant warring, lack of ethnic diversity, and many other factors … except the unexpected reality. Then a dozen years ago they became less welcoming to the idea of Kipling men coming into their territories. They claimed we were stealing their women but we both knew that wasn't true. They tried to steal ours and it was eventually discovered what was happening. Our healers were outraged … as much at the practice as at their stupidity. Their leaders tried to stop the practice of infanticide but it was ingrained by generations and culture and could not be eradicated. Then ten years ago a plague came from the south. It was mild for adults but for children it was devastating. All our peoples lost so many."

She paused and I could see the grief of a mother on her face. Robbie was likely not her only child … he was her only living child. "As bad as it was for Kipling it was worse for the genetically undiverse populations around us."

I found my voice and asked, "Were all the girl children killed?"

"No, not all but too many … far too many. Kipling for whatever reason has a high percentage of males born each year in our families … more brothers than sisters are born. We always balanced that out by being able to find brides for our sons amongst our neighbors. For the last five years though … the gap has been unable to be closed. Now fewer than a third of our men of reproductive years has a wife to share those years with. Social unrest is imminent and will weaken Kipling and make us vulnerable to attack by our neighbors who become more desperate with each passing season. Some of our young men have chosen to emigrate and go adventuring as they call it, being unwilling or unable to settle down. That has taken some pressure off but not enough. Some have even gone and come back with wives they've found for themselves. Again this is only a stop gap measure."

Seeing it I said, "Somehow you made sure you were the only ones that would trade with our town. You made sure they were in a position that they were forced to give in to your demands. But how did you make the crops fail?"

Quickly she shook her head, "The crop failures were real as were the plague and the war. None of those were of our making … but we did shall we say … take advantage of what was providentially provided."

I wanted to tell her that God had no hand in such workings but since I couldn't absolutely know that I felt safer keeping the words behind my teeth. God worked in mysterious ways according to the Book and He could also seem ruthless … but I was no Padre and the one that had been brave enough to continue to visit our town despite the Headman's threats had died in the plague. I decided I would have to think long and hard before I would dare call such events providential regardless of whether they were or not.

Seeking another piece of the puzzle I asked, "So you mean to match us up in some kind of lottery? Is that the list your mother spoke of?"

Quietly but firmly Mona said, "Not a lottery, not exactly. For Kipling to survive our families must be able to thrive. For our families to thrive there must eventually be enough of them so that we no longer are dependent on other territories for the bulk of our women. That means that all the families must thrive."

"That diversity you keep talking about."

Nodding she said, "That's correct. Some of our families are doing better than others at this time. Our leaders are doing their best to see that no family dies out. The list is of men who are ready and able to be responsible husbands and fathers from each clan or family within Kipling. Fourteen of you will be brides to men on this list."

Nel, still trying to catch up and slightly confused said, "But there are fifteen of us."

"One has already been spoken for but rest of assured she will be just as well taken care of and will be a wife … not a … um …"

Having a feeling I was the fifteenth I said laconically, "The word you are looking for is whore."

Slightly annoyed and embarrassed Mona gave a small nod. "I wish to …"

I was slightly annoyed myself but mostly at myself for having forgotten what I had already learned … that I was slated to be a "Second Wife" whatever that meant. But I didn't let my annoyance – and bitterness – get in the way of keeping my promise that I would protect Docia and see her properly settled. I interrupted Mona by saying, "What I wish is to know how you mean to match up my sisters with these … men … on your lovely list."

A rusty sounding laugh came from behind us. I turned to see the pregnant woman I thought to be Captain Uhl's wife. Looking at Mona she said, "She has you there Sister."

Obviously uncomfortable Mona tried to take control of the conversation back but I asked another question first. "Will you do it by looks? By talents? Did the men pay a fee for the right to have a bride? Where any of the men on the expedition to get us on that list because I can tell you that some of them already have preferences."

"That wasn't supposed to happen," Mona snapped.

"And children don't think they will get belly aches from little green apples either but they do."

The Captain's wife snickered again and came to look me over. "I hear you are good with a bow … and a few other things as well."

I nodded, not sure of her game or just how deep it ran. "Good." Giving me an appraising look she asked, "How would you determine which man got which bride?"

"You mean if I thought this lunatic scheme would actually work?" At her nod I gave it some thought. "First off I would want to know if any of the women had any particular talent that could be matched up with the men's family. It would be silly to landlock a fisherman's daughter into a miserable marriage to a baker. Sillier still to expect the blacksmith's daughter to want to sit around tatting lace all day with a family of tailors."

"Second, the men must be someone the women can stomach as well. Can you see Hannah there with some little squirt who prefers counting the Headman's gold rather than working out of doors with his hands? Or Daphne there trying accept in her bed a herdsman that neither knows nor cares anything about manners and socializing?"

Nodding the woman asked, "Anything else?"

Shrugging I said, "A girl with no dower will not be welcome in a family that expects one regardless of what talents she may have. If you wish a productive marriage to occur, you can't expect a girl to be harangued by a mother in law or aunties who treat her as a slave because she has added no value to their family coffers."

Mona said, "Do not speak so roughly about our people. They are not so … so barbaric as the Outlanders are."

I snorted, "Barbaric? Baby killing went on for generations beneath the noses of your own midwives. You seek to take advantage of downtrodden people so that your own might survive. You are willing to purchase women for the men unable or unwilling to seek out their own because it would mean cutting the apron strings that tie them here. Barbaric? Outlanders? I suggest you take a look in your mirror. I don't blame you for the desperation you find yourselves in, but call it what it is and don't try and dress it up. That's like putting a silk dress on a pig … it is silly and without purpose."

The pregnant woman barked another laugh and I remembered Robbie had called her Aunt Winnie. "Oh, I like you girl. No wonder you made the Captain uncomfortable. He could see what he was doing through your eyes." She sighed and shook her head. "Be that as it may, the dye is cast. All any of us can do is make the best of it. There will be a feeding frenzy if we don't stick to the agreed upon plan. You saw how it was out there."

I clenched my jaw in anger. "Yes, I saw. Why on earth didn't you pick a neutral place to bring a man and woman together without the rest of the settlement looking on. Of course they'll be jealousies if what you've said is true. It would have been safer. At least if they take an instant dislike to each other because the match was poor no one has to be embarrassed to death."

I saw Mona blanch. Winnie said, "It was suggested." And the way she said it I suspected she was the one that had done the suggesting and been ignored.

I shook my head. "No doubt you expected us to be ever so grateful of your rescue. But I have to tell you all you've done is exchange one prison we were in for another. We had no choice. We were never offered any choice. The least you could do is give my sisters some say in what man they get tied to."

Suddenly Daphne started crying and saying, "I want to be with Lem … he's cultured and refined … like a real man should be. Don't make me go to one of those others. Please."

A little irritated at the drama queen I opened my mouth to tell her to knock it off before she ruined it for everyone else when one of the older women from the sidelines rushed forward and put her arms around Daphne and said, "There, there. It's plain as day you've fallen for my Lem and who could blame you. There, there now. So few truly see his worth and certainly none so quickly as you have." Looking at Mona she said, "Mona, I demand this young woman be allowed to be my daughter in law. She's simply too lovely to go to any of those others on that list. I won't have it. They'll … they'll … Well it is too horrid for words."

I shut my mouth and had to look away before I made a muck of it. Trust Daphne to land on her feet. Mona, shocked and unaware of the tricks Daphne could get up to stuttered, "You've … er … really … er … formed an … an … er … attachment for Lem so quickly?" Rather incredulously she asked, "Are you sure we are speaking of Lem?"

The mother dragon said, "Of course we are talking about my Lem. Who else would we be talking about?!"

Mona just cleared her throat and changed the subject. "Have any of you others formed … ummm … attachments?"

Hannah surprised me by saying boldly, "Carter."

A wizened old woman stepped forward, she was bent with age but still seemed capable and looked Hannah up and down. "Well … you seem a likely girl. You're certainly big enough he won't break you should he get to horsing around. He's brother is going to be disappointed though, he was hoping for a bride this time."

Hannah all but hefted Nel up and said, "This is my sister. We could come as a pair."

Mona started to say something but then looked at her list and admitted, "Both of your sons are indeed on this list Marjorie."

Marjorie slapped her thigh and said, "Then it's settled. Sisters for brothers. Like as not it will make it easier on the whole lot of you."

There were a few others that had already made their choices and then the rest of them were paired off with the most likely partners. The number of women were dwindling and with each name Docia squeezed my hand tighter and tighter. Finally I had to sit and put my arm around her but even that was not enough and she started to fold upon herself.

I whispered urgently, "Docia, say something."

"I can't. She's his mother," was her miserable reply.

I shook my head and then looked up for some wisdom and courage to save my crèche sister from herself. I pulled her forward with me and Mona stopped, startled as I asked to see the list. "Why?"

Ignoring her I looked at the list and sure enough Robbie's name was on it. I shook my head in irritation. "Look Mona, you may not like me and that's fine, but don't punish Docia and keep her in suspense. Your son is the only man I've ever seen my sister even able to speak to without squeaking and he looked like he was pleased with her company as well. She has sewn more than a few people up and leaves barely a scar. Though you wouldn't know it to look at her she's not the least bit squeamish and she knows a thing or three about what herbs to use when there's no healer around."

Mona got a blank look on her face and then consideringly looked at Docia. "Is this true?"

Finally Docia looked up, "He's just like Prince Charming in that book Fel used to read us."

Ugh. She would bring that up. I thought life would have taught her that no man was a prince but for some reason Docia always kept that little flicker of hope alive. And by God, I was going to see that she had her chance if it was the last thing I did.

But surprisingly Mona just smiled and said, "I thought the same thing when I first met his father."

And then it was over with. Except for me. It was Docia's shocked face that warned me that she had noticed. "But … but …"

I hugged her and said bracingly. "Didn't you hear what Mona said in the beginning? There's not the first thing to worry about. Do I look worried? All I care about is that you're fixed up. Now go … I'll let you know how it goes. Besides you'll have Nephew … I mean Robbie … to look after you. No need to be scared. He doesn't seem like the hitting type."

I watched them all as they were led away by their new families leaving me behind. It was then that Winnie said, "Liar. You hate this. I can see it even if no one else does. Were I in your shoes I'd be cursing the unfairness."

I turned to look at her and sneered, "Fairness is for children's games. Life … you're born, you live, then you die. If you're lucky there are a few good memories in there to take with you to the grave and beyond. If you don't …" I shrugged. "That's life too."

She crossed her arms above her large belly then sighed. "I wish it wasn't like this. I like you too much."

"So is it you that I'm to play underwife to?"

I had surprised her and she started laughing so hard she had to sit down. Finally she caught her breath and said, "I dare not tell the Captain what you just said. Likely he'd dig a hole and try and pull it in after him." She hiccupped a few more laughs and then added, "No, the Captain hates every bit of this business. He thinks the men should take care of their own business and if they can't they have no business being wed to begin with."

"Then … then who?"

"My nephew and his wife."

"Robbie?"

She shook her head. "No, my other nephew. My other sister's son. But we have to do this quietly as there will be some grumbling."

"I go nowhere until I get at least a bit of explanation of what I'm being forced into. I may have helped ease the way for my sisters but I'm not fool enough to really believe there was ever any choice in this matter."

She looked at me hard and then said, "It is a shame. You would have been so much better married off to a man who could …"

"Are you saying there is something wrong with your nephew?"

She shook her head then sighed. "No. Come and let us sit down. Better you hear the unvarnished truth from me rather than trying to piece it together with bits and pieces from everyone else I suspect will try and take a hand in how things work out."


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6**_

"My nephew's name is Lee Corman though what you'll hear most call him is Cor. He was named after his father … a man much …" She stopped and shook her head in disgust. "If I had to guess Lee would not have been out of place amongst the men of your town. He was hard, could be vicious."

Stopping her right there I said, "I'll fight when he hits me."

She shook her head. "Let me explain things in order. Right now we are talking of Lee. And Lee wasn't a hitter, at least not with his fists; words were his weapon of choice. Brilliant but troubled, that's what everyone called him. It took a while to see how troubled, but none of us ever understood why. He had every advantage. During his childhood and before the Corman family had a lot of power and influence as they were one of the Originals."

"Originals?"

"They rank even higher than the first families of Kipling. There was a Lee Corman that was the right hand man of the founder of Kipling but the family even pre-dates the Dark Days. Cor's father has been the only bad apple amongst them. The Corman family was here before Kipling himself arrived. That's what being an Original means; you'll hear some refer to it as the pre-Kipling era, and there are few enough families from that time left that their influence still holds some weight today. Kipling brought men and weapons to protect the area but it was that first Lee Corman that helped to keep everyone fed. As the Dark Days continued Kipling remained the leader but it was Corman that rallied the locals to throw in with Kipling so that all could survive."

Resigned to a history lesson whether I wanted one or not I said, "So? Do these Originals still hold some kind of sway over the area? Is there still a Kipling in charge?"

Winnie shook her head. "Kipling was a brave man and an honorable one. He died defending the people that he had sworn an oath to protect. He and his wife lost their only son in the Conflagration of one of the great cities. Their daughter married a son of that first Lee Corman but because of some of the sicknesses of the time was unable to bear children. In fact, many women of that time were unable to make children or if they could the babe did not necessarily stick in their womb long enough to live outside of it. There was also a problem in that so many men were dying … war and disease took so many on the battlefield, learning to survive the new ways took many more, and pestilence even more than the first two put together. It left too few protectors and families were in danger of being obliterated. It was then that the First Families declared that the family lines that remained could not be allowed to die out and the … the practice of multiple wives came to be."

I rolled my eyes. "And everyone lived happily ever after."

She chuckled dryly. "Of course not. It created as many problems as it solved. Jealousy was rampant in the beginning. Some women were … well, they lorded their fertility over the women not so blessed. There were races to see who would bear a child to the husband first, who could bear the most children, whose child would inherit the bulk of his father's estate. The first son was always given the greatest attention. In due course some men had too many wives and thus they all suffered the lack of care a wife should be able to expect as her due. And some men … yes some men became like the men of your town, taking advantage of the situation for their own ends and pleasures."

Irritated at the chaos of it I asked, "Then why do it? Why allow such a thing to exist if it caused so many problems?"

She shrugged. "Because it served its purpose. Kipling survived and eventually thrived. Our population and reputation grew until we were a force to be reckoned with and other peoples stopped attacking us for our food and territory. But most of those that had participated in multiple wives gave it up as soon as their house was sufficient. Many of the town fathers went to their graves thankful to finally be free of all the responsibilities of so many wives and children. The practice had already mostly died out by the time of the plague Mona told you of. As the Dark Days closed there were more than enough men and too few women to continue it. Only a few families still practiced it."

"The Corman's I take it did."

Cynically she said, "Given Lee's … personality … you would have thought that to be true but it was the exact opposite. Lee had very little use for the human race in general and women in particular. All he wanted was his precious books and his rovings to seek out old tech to tinker with. If you could not assist him in that you were without use and purpose, at least in his mind. No, it is Francine's family that made it their way of life and who were the last to give it up when there were not enough girl children to go around and even then only with a fight."

"Who is this Francine?"

"My nephew's wife," she answered.

"So your nephew, this Cor, has gone out and procured another wife to keep his first one happy."

Chagrined she said, "Not … quite. Cor doesn't know about you. He is away on an expedition to the southern lands to bring back …"

When she fell silent I filled in the blank. "He's bringing back another group of women."

"That is not his sole purpose. His main goal is to trade for some exotics that our gardeners want to try and get started here if possible, to diversify our crops and fruit. But he has the authority to offer safe passage to up to a dozen females should they choose to come take a chance on finding husbands."

"And may I ask why those women get the choice my sisters and I did not?"

"Because my nephew is even more dead set against the plan of the council of families than the Captain is and he would not agree if it in any way smelled of bartering bodies or slavery. Francine's family has been after him to bring home another wife almost since the first week of their marriage. He has refused up to this point so they took matters into their own hands."

I jumped up. "Are you mad?! You mean to not only make me … force me … to be a second wife and on top of that its to be by foisting me on a man that not only does not know of my existence but who will be … who will be … well, furious might not even describe it. A man who by your own account is the son of a man who is … Gah! Do I get to dig my own grave first so at least my corpse won't be rotting above ground for eternity?"

Winnie was too big with child to move fast but she did grab my arm and pull me down beside her. Her strength, given her advanced condition, was surprisingly great. "Cor is not like his father, the only thing they share is a certain look and coloring. Cor can be ruthless but he is not by nature cruel. And there is more to this. Cor is the last male Corman. Not the last to carry the name but the last in the male line period. They were one of the few lines that had more maids than males born to them. Attrition and plague left Lee and his brother the last carriers of the Corman genes. His brother died without male issue and Lee's only son is Cor. Cor had three sisters but they were all lost in the plague as was his mother, God rest my poor sister's soul."

A sigh preceded more explanation of the Gordian knot I was facing. "Francine's family – the Lathrops – have a great deal of influence as they head up the farm that produces most of the fuel for Kipling's large farms. It has taken decades for us to get the production high enough that plantation farming is profitable without resorting to slavery, a practice strictly outlawed in our land. We can thank the Lathrops for this advance and it is a credit they deserve. But now a few in the family have become … ambitious shall we say … and insulting them could create … difficulties."

I was giving her words lots of thought. In fact never in my life had I been forced to use as many of the lessons and stories from my father as the situation I now found myself in. "You are picking your words carefully Winnie which says more than the words themselves do. These Lathrops want the Corman line on their side and perhaps under their thumb. How many of the other families have they done this to?"

A smile of pleasure lit her face. "You are more than anyone expected you to be. The Captain suspected as much."

Not sure whether it was a compliment or not I told her, "I'm no one's tool or weapon or … or some pawn in this deep game you play. I'm going to have enough trouble with Francine the Gorgon."

Pleasure turned to true concern on her face. "You mistake the matter Fel. You are not part of the controls being put in place to maintain the balance amongst the families and Francine is no monster. She's actually quite lovely and sweet most of the time. She and Cor are a true love match. She's just a bit … silly and spoiled … and not up to the rigors of life on the Corman estate, nor of the position she is expected to hold as the wife of a family leader. She is used to there being a lot of people to share the work burden with and on the Corman estate she has no one yet is expected to provide as if she did. I did what I could but this babe coming so late to the Captain and I and … I simply cannot do it any longer. Both the Captain and Cor are off traveling so much and Mona has threatened to order me to my bed if I don't ease up."

"You live on this … this estate with your nephew?"

She nodded. "The Captain was named Cor's guardian when Lee died several years ago. When Cor came of age to assume his role he asked us to stay. The Captain does not have the time or desire to cultivate his own plot of land and being cooped up inside the fort all the time is more than I can stand. I need the woods and wild things to keep me sane. You'll learn I'm not much for housewifery myself. I used to do as much traveling as the Captain did before my sister died and Cor needed mothering. After Cor married Francine the plan was for me to again take up my place beside the Captain but then …" She just sort of lifted her hands and looked at her belly and shrugged.

"Hmm. Babes do tend to change people's plans more often than not. Da had planned to take our family back to his people only Ma got caught with my baby brother and then Gran became bedridden. The move was being put off until Gran passed but … They're all gone now and thankful I am too. I would hate for them to see the fix I find myself in."

"So when you say these girls are your sisters … ?"

"Some of them are my crèche sisters … girls with no family or no family that wanted them thus were raised in a single long house to save trouble and have ready at hand workers for the town. The others are sisters by circumstance."

"Even that Daphne girl?" she asked with a sardonic humor.

I shrugged, "God works in mysterious ways. We may be able to pick our friends but He is the one that picks our families for us for His own purpose."

A cautionary look met me with the words, "Careful of the God talk Fel. The Lathrops can be sensitive about their beliefs."

"And if they are sure of their beliefs they wouldn't be so sensitive. I'll not change just to suit the ones that are changing my life all out of proportion … but I won't hurt anyone's feelings on purpose about it either. My father taught me and his father taught him, so on and so forth back to before the Dark Days. My beliefs are mine and not even the Headman could make me give them up."

Winnie shook her head. "You are going to stir things up. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. But you will certainly be a foil for Francine."

Speaking my mind once again I said, "It sounds more like I am marrying this Francine than I am the man you call Cor. It is Francine this and Francine that … and further about her family. The only thing I really know about the man who will be a husband to me is that he will not want me and likely disgusted by it all."

Winnie nodded, "I will not lie to you. Do not get your hopes up that Cor will seek out your company except as he has to. The situation is such that he will not be able to put you away from him or turn you out and he will not be happy about that. He has never looked at anyone but Francine and she at him so far as I know. This will be very difficult for all of us, but for Cor especially. His pride will smart."

"And I have no pride?"

She shook her head, "That is not what I meant."

"Perhaps not," I said and left it at that. "So when do I get to meet this man that will hate me on sight?"

Winnie sighed, "You'll not help anyone by thinking like that."

"And I'll not help myself by living in a fantasy either. My lot is what it is. It is either face it and live with it or … or …" Sighing in resignation I told her, "There is no alternative. The best I can hope for is that he will leave me alone and I him. I have enough pride that I won't let this destroy me but I also have enough that I won't go begging for scraps from a man who doesn't want me. I didn't have much hope of a good marriage with my people but at least if I had, the man would have been mine and mine alone to call husband. Your people's way is not mine. I may have no choice in this, but I warn you in all else I will exercise what choice I do have."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7**_

The rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I only saw my sisters from afar but they looked … content with their lot if not beaming like a bride from some pre Dark Days fairy tale. Docia was actually smiling and Hannah seemed pleased to have finally found a man she did not tower over or snap if she hugged them too hard. Daphne stood proudly between that pale, blonde Lem and his mother and I hope her fortunes don't turn to ashes.

The men, what little I noticed of them, seemed a bit stupefied; sort of like they had walked into a closed door. Their new reality looked like it was a bit more overwhelming than they had expected it to be. I saw a few jealous pouts in the crowd milling about them but none that seemed dangerous. As bad as things are for those men I suspect they still have hopes of other women being brought in … or perhaps they will find the courage to go on a search of their own. Or perhaps they have been made promises that tide them over. Whichever way it is, it isn't my place to care.

I had another run in with Mona when she demanded I submit to an examination. I all but told her to get stuffed albeit not that crudely. When she told me that all the brides had been through the routine I told her, "I'm not a real bride. I have the story Mona … I'm just going to be the real wife's housekeeper or some such. What does it matter if I up and die tomorrow beyond the fact that you'll have to start your hunt all over again? If I am contagious it is way passed too late to do anything about it as I've been traveling long enough and close enough with others that you couldn't stop the spread of anything. If I am dying you can't stop that either. What pains I have are my own and I will tend them as my own as I have for some years now."

Mona, becoming truly irritated said in a strained voice, "I am not your enemy and resent being treated as such."

"Perhaps you are right, but nor are you my friend. You have a hand in my predicament even if it is that you choose not to do anything about it. All I ask is that you give Docia a chance. She's a good girl and will likely try and please you greatly if you will let her. As for me … it doesn't matter. Just leave me be."

"This … this … anger is not what any of us wanted."

I rolled my eyes. "Then you should have picked some silly, witless maid that would have been grateful for the gilded cage you apparently find so attractive and useful as my prison. I'll do my duty from my own sense of pride and worth and to keep my sisters from feeling the slings and arrows of my existence. Just don't expect me to bow and scrape like it is really anything to feel blessed for enduring."

Mona didn't exactly stomp off – she was too much lady for that – but she wasn't exactly skipping with joy either. Winnie slipped into the tent and stood looking at me a moment before shaking her head. "Mona isn't the enemy Fel."

"So she said."

"She's a good person."

"I'm sure many of you are 'good people.' But that doesn't mean that you are above buying and selling a life for your own comfort. And in this case it is my life, my body. I'd like to see how all of you 'good people' would feel if you walked in my footsteps."

"Do you mean to cause trouble?" she asked with a warning growl in her voice.

"You must have learned that from the Captain." Her eyes widened when she realized I wasn't the least bit intimidated. "Look, I already told you I don't want trouble and will not give it when possible. What choice do I have? All I really want is for this to be over and to be left alone. Or can you not understand even that small bit of it?"

Her lips thinned but she nodded. "The carriage is ready. Let us be off as it seems no matter what we try to do for you you will turn it on us."

I shook my head. "No, you don't truly understand do you. You aren't doing anything for me … you are doing it to me and for yourselves. If your babe is a girl, you better pray her fate is different from mine or you may yet come to understand more than you would ever want."

I grabbed my rucksack and moved to step outside only to view the receding backs of my sisters as they were driven away in much laughter and merriment. I shrugged, not even knowing if I would see Docia or the others again. I had my doubts. Even if they meant what they said, life had a way of souring even the best of intentions.

I then looked for the "carriage" Winnie had spoken of. Seeing the Captain standing over by a strange looking boxed-in wagon with high sides and a top I took my courage in hand and walked towards it of my own free will.

As I walked I realized there was a young woman already seated inside it. She was dressed simply but well and the closer I got the more of her I saw. Her skin was the color of the Headman's best linens … light and fresh and unused to rough handling. My own bronzed skin told me she could not get out in the sun much or if she did it was with a wide brim and gloves to cover her hands. Her hair was every bit as blonde as Docia's but to me it did not set on her faded coloring as well. Her brows and lashes were only slightly darker than her curls which is to say they seemed to nearly blend in with her skin. Her cheeks and lips were rose colored but not by nature; someone definitely used a coloring pot and without it her waif-like appearance would have turned to wraith-like. The overall effect was angelic and frail and I immediately saw myself in the opposite position. If she does indeed think that she won't be the first to view me as more demon than damsel.

I stopped by the Captain who was watching me watch the young woman. Carefully he introduced us. "Fel, this is Francine. Francine … Fel."

Poor Captain. He was even more uncomfortable than I was. The woman – though she was only a few years older than me she seemed somehow younger – turned to me and with great violet colored eyes asked, "Are you … you angry? I heard them say you were angry. My aunts said you would be grateful to be rescued, happy to come live with me and be my sister. I don't understand. Don't you want to come live with me?"

Oh glory. I didn't know whether to call the ridiculous act a trick the way they would have been with Daphne or simply her way of trying to disarm me so that I wouldn't consider her a threat. Until I decided I wasn't going give her any more than I had to.

I told her quietly, acting as if I didn't really want to scream at the top of my lungs at how bad I hated the world in that moment, "I don't know what I am. Let's leave it at that. From what I'm told this isn't your doing so it would be stupid of me to hold you responsible for it."

I felt the Captain relax whether he realized I sensed it or not and he bid me climb into the carriage. I sat as far from Francine as the sacks and bags already on the benches would allow. I helped to lever Winnie up so that she too could sit and she chose a place between the two of us but on the bench on Francine's side of the carriage. A wiry and cranky looking man climbed into the driver's seat and four other outriders joined the Captain. Leather curtains were dropped and then tied in place making the interior of the wagon dark and stuffy.

"Oh I hope I don't get ill don't you Winnie? Why ever do we have to leave this way? I wanted to say good bye to my aunts first."

I realized Francine had Winnie at least partially fooled when she answered like she was speaking to someone slightly slow witted. "We talked about this Dear. We are trying to avoid a situation. As soon as we are well away from the fort the Captain will lift the curtains and you will have your fresh air." I almost snorted but didn't want to let her know I could see through her game. At least not until I knew the lay of the land and could see her purpose better.

After a few moments a tremulous voice asked, "Are you really an Outlander … um … Fel?"

It was dark enough that I permitted myself a small smile behind my hand. If this was the best Kipling had to offer Daphne was going to be Head Woman before all was said and done.

Winnie asked a little sharply, "Fel, did you hear Francine?"

"Sorry. I was trying to figure out how to answer her without scaring her. She seems rather … young and … inexperienced. I have no idea if she even knows anything about what life is like outside the stockade fence."

I heard a shoe scrape and realized if I wanted to keep the game going I would have to be careful how much I irritated the woman. She hadn't liked the idea of being what she was trying to portray herself as; a contradiction that doubtless she would eventually trip over without my help. I wanted to get some of my own back but I didn't want to live in a constant feud so I determined to control myself and eased up on my anger and said, "My Ma was an Outlander but my Da was from this side of the Mississippi."

The Captain's voice startled all three of us. "You didn't mention that."

For the Captain I would snort to my heart's content. "Did you ask? My father was a young man on an adventure when he saw my Ma … the rest is worse than a sickly sweet fairy story. He saw her, he loved her, her father had no sons and welcomed someone that already knew the family trade and …"

"Which was?" he asked.

"Which was what?"

A small pause that told me he knew I was being stupid on purpose then he said, "The family trade."

"My grandfather was a blacksmith. My Da was a fair hand at it himself. It all seemed to be … providential. At least until they were all killed for a man's ignorant feud."

"Do you know the name of the place he was from?"

I turned to give him a freezing look but realized he wouldn't know it and instead asked aloud, "Why would you want to know that? I've never been there and no one would know me … Da thought that likely they had mourned him dead for some years because he hadn't returned from his tomfoolery."

I sensed more than saw the Captain's irritation at having to admit, "Curiosity."

I shrugged and said, "Oh well, so long as you're being honest about it." A light cough from Winnie was either a warning or appreciation at the small joke. In the dark it was too hard to tell. "He named the place Dover. I don't know where it is at exactly, Da never told me that."

There was an odd pause then the Captain asked, "Are you sure he said the place was called Dover?"

"Of course I am sure. I had to listen to enough stories of the people there growing up. The apple trees he would climb. His Pawpaw's barn where they hung tobacco. How the church doubled as a school and the padre teaching him and swatting him in turn. The stories only matter to me so I don't know why you are curious."

Whatever his reply was I missed it as the wheel of the carriage bounced in and out of a deep rut jarring us and the goods enough to rattle my teeth. Francine gave a small scream and I felt Winnie slide from her seat just in time to lean forward and brace her.

"Hey! Captain! Tell the blind man driving this thing there is a woman with babe in here and she'd doubtless not like to land on the floor more than this once."

The carriage jerked to a halt and the rear curtain was snatched back and the Captain was just in time to see me putting Winnie back in her seat and checking to make sure she was alright.

Before his mouth could form a word I added, "I'll drive or ride if you'd prefer to brace her if it is going to be this rough the rest of the trip."

He surprised me by only taking a moment to say, "Aye. Climb in my saddle but …"

"… no funny business. I'm being watched. You've said that before."

He glowered at me but with no heat in it. I looked at his horse square in the face and told it, "I prefer mules. Don't give me a reason to prefer them even more."

I heard Winnie laugh at my words and a light twitter that had to belong to Francine. The bull sized snort could have been none other than the Captain. Of course he would add, "And don't give my horse reason to prefer mules either Fel."

Well, at least he could give as good as he got. We traveled for several hours this way until one of the outriders said, "We've reached the bridge Captain."

"Well then stop and let us get these curtains up. It is as hot as Beelzebub's Bellows in here."

I could see that I had indeed gotten the better deal even if I had been left out of all conversation and forced to ride in silence being glared at by the outriders and occasionally by the carriage driver as well. The Captain was ringing wet with sweat and both women looked ready to swoon in real distress.

e H

"This place is mad," I mumbled as I grabbed my wineskin from my rucksack and held it so I could squeeze water into the mouths of Winnie and Francine. "Give me some cloths so I can dip them in that creek so they can cool off."

"We'll do better than that Gilly," one of the outriders said. "We're to have our lunch here under the trees and you can fetch 'em a whole pan of water."

"Then stop your jawing and give me the pan already," I snapped.

A mildly respectful look replaced his sour puss expression as he watched me dismount without help and head to the creek bank and then bring back a full pan without spilling it.

I looked at the Captain fanning Winnie and then at the women. "Have them sit on that stump and take off their shoes. The pan isn't big but they should be able to share enough to have one of their feet in at a time. I still want some cloths to dampen so they can spread them across their necks."

The same outrider threw me some pieces of fabric and said, "Here Granny. And when you're done see if you can lend a hand with this here blasted teapot as the ladies likes a cup with a little honey with their lunch."

"It's too hot for tea pots and tea and Winnie certainly doesn't need to be drinking that sludge in her condition. Save the fire and hand that picnic basket to the Captain so he can make himself useful. I'll make us all some drink that won't roast our insides."

I had spotted a crock of cider vinegar amongst the supplies I had crawled over and no one objected when I took it out and poured some into the wine skin then added a similar part of the honey that would have gone into the tea. I shook that up then used a dipper to pour drinking water from the barrel on the back of the carriage. I walked back to the creek and set the wine skin where its contents would cool and stood there thinking.

The outrider came up and stood there as well. "Ya aren't what we expected."

"I've heard that several times already."

"Doubtless yer have. Mayhap things'll work out after all."

Knowing this man could be a friend or an enemy but likely nothing in between I said quietly, "I certainly don't want to make things worse."

"Nope. Don't seem so anyway."

At that he turned and left and the Captain called me over. "Sit and eat. We'll leave the curtains up from here on out. If you've no objection I will continue to ride with Winnie, or at least until we are on estate lands."

"Not a problem Captain. You're bigger than me and can keep them from getting pitched around like loose barrel hoops."

There was just enough sweetened vinegar that even the wagon driver and outriders could get a swig. I cleaned out the skin and refilled it for later use and the remainder of the ride to the Corman estate was uneventful. More than that though I was grateful not to be included in Francine's endless nervous monologue of how she missed her aunts and family, of what she had gotten at the market, at how she would miss market days as there were none close by, of wondering when she would get the chance to do it all again, of wondering why her friends did not write more often, and on and on.

It appeared that the Captain and Winnie were so used to it that they had learned to ignore her but she made my ears go numb and she wasn't even talking to me. What did strike me as passing strange was that not one mention of her husband was made leaving me without clues as to how he fit in with this strange circus troop I found myself in.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8**_

We turned a bend in the road and I nearly lost my breath and my teeth. I hadn't really considered what they meant when they had called their home an estate. I could only stare and blink. It was Francine who proudly said, "It has been in the family since before the Dark Days and belonged to the Cormans for several generations before that."

"Good brown gravy," I muttered. "How many people live here?"

When Francine failed to respond the Captain answered me, "Only a handful these days. There are other families that tend to the fields that are still in production but the homestead … well, not since the plague has there been more than a dozen and these days only half that number."

Outraged but not exactly sure why I said, "If you really tried you could fit the population of my whole town in the house and the outbuildings."

But we had gotten close enough at that point that the illusion had begun to wear off. The barn and silo were in disrepair as was nearly every structure within the compound walls including the house itself. The gardens, such as they were, were untended except for the kitchen garden and even that was bedraggled and dying. Vines covered one side of the house, windows and all. At least the chimneys and roof seemed in a good state.

Chickens and geese wandered where they would and I saw a pig using a porch rail to scratch his itchy behind. A dog gave a lackluster bark but no one came out to greet us. The Captain looked at the outrider that had spoken to me and asked sharply, "Do we have a problem Jonah?"

"The lads were likely called to the fields or are off fetching water for Mary. The pump handle broke again and the peddler ain't been through."

The Captain looked at Francine and asked, "Did you send the letter to have the fort blacksmith make another handle?"

Francine sighed, "I'm sure it was in that pile of letters I gave to Aunt Muriel. She even mentioned that all Cor needed to do was apply to father and the farm's blacksmith would be happy to come around and take care of it."

About that time a woman came around the house riding a donkey that was as short and round as she herself was. "Oh Cap'n. Yers came just in the nick. Got word my youngest is about to give birf and I'm off to see to her for a few weeks. The farm delivered this month's supplies this morning. She beamed and bowed to Francine and Winnie, saluted the Captain, and then after giving me the evil eye trotted away to the bemusement of all who were left in her dust.

Afraid to know but needing to nonetheless I asked, "Who was that?"

Francine only moaned and claimed to be coming down with a sick headache from the heat and could someone please help her into the house. A young outrider jumped down and rushed to her side and walked her to the porch where she disappeared rather quickly for one so ill.

I would have said something unwise if I hadn't glanced at Winnie and discovered that she truly was ill. "Captain!"

The Captain and I got Winnie into the house and into a cool, shaded room with doors that opened to catch what breeze there was. It took no time for Winnie to fall asleep and I was left looking at the Captain who stared worriedly at his pale wife. "Is this why Mona said she would confine Winnie to bed?"

He nodded. "Early in our marriage we lost three babes. After the last … well, we thought there would be no more. She's never gotten this far along before. She's been working herself sick … and now that blasted woman has taken off on top of everything else."

He ran his hand through hair that already had as much salt as it did pepper as we stepped out into the hallway and I felt compelled to ask, "Why has Francine let her get like this? Surely … well … well surely …"

He sighed and then gave me a look as if he was deciding something. "Come. My study is over here. Winnie will sleep for a bit and we'll have some privacy."

Uh oh.

After he bid me sit he sat at his desk and played with the few things upon it as if he was drawing courage for a battle. "The woman you met was Mary. She is the housekeeper and cook and has been working for the family for over twenty years, since Cor was a babe. She might as well be family and has been treated as such for as long as I've known her. She was once quite a force to be reckoned with but as you can see her … talents … have deteriorated with age and time and she really needs to be replaced."

"So why doesn't Francine do it?"

He sighed. "She says it isn't her place but Cor's. Cor says he doesn't have time and leaves it up to Francine or Winnie. Winnie won't do it because she doesn't have the authority to create a new place for Mary and in reality in the past was never bothered by Mary's … oddities."

Trying to find the right words I asked, "There's problems with the line of authority in this house. Is Francine too afraid of her husband to …"

"No. Yes. Dammit … I suppose I will simply have to explain things. Why I am being left to deal with all of this mess. Why it had to come to this …"

I waited patiently as the Captain calmed himself and wondered how close to the truth Winnie's version had been. She likely thought she was telling the "unvarnished" truth but I had already seen that Francine had her fooled in at least one respect; she wasn't near as silly and stupid as she sometimes acted.

Finally the Captain sighed and admitted, "The place is a mess. I'd blame Lee, Cor's father, if he was here to blame. He left a mound of debt and a weakened leadership upon his death. Lord what a hash this all is. Allow me to start from the beginning, it will make more sense. Winnie told me that Mona and she explained the early history of Kipling." At my nod he said, "Good. The less said about some of that the better. Some fools seem to want to repeat the mistakes of history rather than learn from it. The troubles for the Corman family started because of his father. Cor's grandfather was a strong leader and well respected; unfortunately he died too young leaving two young sons and one rather avaricious cousin as their guardian. The cousin died soon after but not before making a mess of the relationship between the estate and the surrounding farms as he tried to demand more of the harvest than was his due. This is the vacuum that Lee grew up in. He had doting grandmothers and aunts and cousins but no male role model strong enough or willing to knock some sense into him when he began to display certain less than constructive personality straights."

I realized I was to hear a part of the story that Winnie had glossed over. "Lee hated all of the work and effort needed to keep the farms and estate running. It held no interest for him. He was brilliant and truly hated anything and everything that took time away from what he called his experiments. He married only because he was forced to do so by the Council. Winnie's sister was a nice girl, a lot more like Mona than Winnie however, and no match for Lee's perfidies. Lee squashed her spirit at every turn and blamed her when the estate began to fail. Lee's brother loved the estate and therefore Lee made him grovel and beg for every little bit that was needed to keep things running. He was killed when one of the old barns that Lee had refused him the funds to repair collapsed on him. Eventually Lee himself died in a similar accident when one of his experiments backfired and brought a wall down on him. While some had become suspicious the true state of affairs of the estate wasn't fully known until I came in as guardian. I did what I could but I'm no estate manager and funds were next to nonexistent. When Cor came of age he received a trust from his maternal grandfather and he used that to begin the work that had been delayed for so long. Francine's dower has also helped but it is a toss-up which is needed more to bring the estate back to what it should be … funds or work. He needs funds to finish paying off his father's debts to the Council members but to get the funds he has to go on long bartering runs which takes him away from the work that needs to be done."

The Captain looked at me to see if I understood the problem. I nodded and said, "My father called it a catch-22 for some reason. You're stuck no matter what you do."

He sighed and nodded. "Yes. Now enters that thing that can turn even the strongest of us into fools; love. Cor has been infatuated with Francine since they were children. Despite his poor prospects her family had no trouble encouraging the match. Winnie said you understood the why of it easily enough without it having to be explained."

I shrugged. "It was an easy enough question to answer once I asked myself what would the Lathrops gain from such a match and influence and power is something even the people of my town understood. You marry into the right family, the right warrior or craftsman, your life is easier because you have more influence on what goes on around you. With more influence you can make things get done the way that they benefit you most. You get enough influence and enough power and enough of the right friends and you become an almost unbeatable force … or at least you imagine you are."

The Captain nodded. "Exactly. But what Cor is only now beginning to understand is that love is not a panacea. He truly loves Francine but he is no longer blind to some of her worst failings. And one of those failings is that she is a flibberty jibbet that seems to know more ways to escape the work that needs doing than is seemly in such a sweet looking girl. Even knowing what she is I can't raise my hand or voice to her. And she still has many fooled, including many of those attached to the estate."

"Including Winnie."

Regretfully the Captain agreed. "Including Winnie though I think perhaps that may change with you to compare her to."

I shrugged. "So will I finally know what purpose brought me into this madhouse?"

Steepling his fingers the Captain gazed at me like I was a puzzle he was still working out. "As Winnie told you, the Lathrops have been pushing Cor to have at least one more wife. Unbeknownst to those of us trying to prevent it they formed a coalition that gave them a majority vote on the issue. Even my brother and his wife were swayed much to my disgust though I think they may be regretting the side they picked."

"You don't agree with the practice of multiple wives?"

Walking a political tightrope he answered, "Let us just say that I think any man who wants more than one wife should be watched for signs of mental disorder. My Winnie is enough to keep me busy to the end of my days. More than one would end my days twice as fast. If you add children to that …" He shuddered. I think he meant to be comical but I saw that he was only partially funning.

Baldly I said, "But you let this be done to me."

The humor completely disappeared from the room. "Fel there was no changing that it was going to happen. Quiet threats were made to cripple Cor's chances if the Lathrops didn't get their way. Loans would have been called due, that sort of thing. I have no sons Fel. Cor is like one to me."

I nodded quietly understanding at last his reasons. "So be it. What's done is done," I told him. "But there is more to this or you wouldn't have told me to come in here where no one else could hear."

Seriously he looked at me. "Cor will fail if he does not get some help around the estate. e He needs someone that can speak with enough authority to force the work to be done and keep it being done in a timely manner and prevent those that would take advantage of his absence. He is a man fully grown and I am no longer his guardian. I cannot speak in his name or for him. That is the rule in Kipling¸ only a man and his wife or an adult child has the authority to order work done on family holdings. Francine either can't or won't hold those reins; I haven't figured which yet. Every time I think I have, something changes my mind. And Cor cannot stay around the estate all the time, he must go out and acquire the funds and goods needed to affect the repairs. Enter a second wife. You."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Winnie and I were to … guide you let us say … into doing what needs doing. We would use your authority, your station, and Cor would get the help he needs to rebuild the estate."

I leaned back in the chair. "Is that why I keep hearing folks say I'm not what they expected?"

He gave a small smile. "Certainly one of the reasons. In truth I am pleased. I never like the idea of manipulating a young woman in such a way. But if you will consider it, see the good it will do …"

Losing a bit of patience I told him, "You are asking me to take the side of a man I have never even met but one that I am completely sure is going to despise me before he even claps eyes on me. Even more, you are asking me to take sides in a feud I have no investment in and no hope of ever winning."

"Not winning? You think our cause is lost?"

I shook my head. "No. Your plan sounds sensible enough and I might even go so far as to say I'd be a part of it just to kick dust in the nose of the folks that set me up to begin with. But there is only so much satisfaction in that Captain. No matter who wins, I'm going to lose. Or do you really expect me to be happy with this half-life I'm being handed? When the estate becomes profitable … and I'll even go so far as to say it's possible to make it so because if my town can eke out an existence in the hell hole of old Saburbia this pre-Dark garden of Eden should easily be made to pull its load. When the estate becomes profitable, I won't be needed any longer. This Cor you're so fond of will doubtless be just as embarrassed by me as he is likely to be in the beginning. He'll hate the idea that someone … some female he never even asked for or wanted … some female that is not his blessed angel Francine … did what he himself could not. I'll still be just as alone as the day I buried my family." Whether I wanted it to or not my throat got tight and I was forced to stop talking and look away so he couldn't see how close to the surface my emotions were.

Quietly the Captain said, "Cor … Cor is not like his father Fel. I can't deny that he is going to be difficult about this situation. He'll be at least as difficult as you have been, and likely worse. He'll see you as a threat to Francine's position. He may even fight you at every turn. I can't say for sure just what he will do. But I am confident he will not abandon his responsibilities. And in this life you are one of those responsibilities; he won't be given a choice on that issue. He is as smart as his father but without the cruelty. He'll understand once it is all explained to him."

"I understand now that it has all been explained to me and I'm not brilliant Captain. But understanding still doesn't make me happy. And it still doesn't change the fact that I'm being used as a substitute because for whatever reason Francine isn't doing her job." A thought struck me. "Isn't there some kind of hierarchy? A pecking order? Isn't the first wife the boss wife or something? Won't that flummox your plan?"

"No. In Kipling the tradition has always been that all wives are equal regardless of age, number of children, or order of marriage."

"From what I heard practice is different than theory."

"Do you really see Francine putting up such a fight? We cannot get her to take on her responsibilities now. My guess is she will be more than happy to know she won't have to do the work and will leave you alone to do as you please."

My guess is some different. My guess is that Francine is playing a deeper game than they suspect; but I cut my eye teeth on Daphne's tricks and if I can survive Daphne then I doubt too many others could give me the indigestion she did.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Chapter 9**_

The Captain said, "There are things you have no choice about Fel. But you can choose whether you regard this place as a prison or whether you use it as an opportunity. Authority in and of itself cannot bring happiness, but satisfaction in a job well done can regardless of the authority you wield. I do not wish to see Cor unhappy. Nor do I want that state for you. I cannot force either one of you to deal with the other in anything beyond necessity. But perhaps … perhaps … a … friendship of sorts can develop. Neither one of you had a choice in this marriage contract, but you do have a choice on the shape it takes as time goes by."

Easy enough for him to say.

"No promises Captain. But I will say I lost my family to a feud that we did not pick; it is not my intention to start one myself."

He sighed. "And I suppose that admission is more than I have any right to expect so early in the game."

Game? This is not game, it is my life. And with that thought I knew that I had to let it go for a while or risk upsetting the whole apple cart by expressing just how angry I really was. I shook myself and said, "Well, with this Mary gone for who knows how long, and Winnie as well … should I hunt up Francine so that we can get started on some food? I'm not even sure who all that needs to be fed."

The Captain rolled his eyes. "If you expect help from Francine you are sadly mistaken. She is useless in the kitchen. It is one of the reasons why Cor hasn't wanted to take the time to find a replacement for Mary. Francine is good at entertaining guests when they are quartered at the fort, putting them in a good mood which makes it easier for Cor to get better deals … but anything else …"

Beginning to get irritated again – irritated but resigned – I asked, "Can you at least show me to the kitchen so I can see what there is to work with? And tell me who I should expect to be feeding?"

I would not repeat those first weeks for all the gold in the Headman's teeth. I worked as hard as I ever had in my life. It was not the work, or its difficulty that bothered me however, but the feeling that the Headman or his ghost was laughing at me and in essence saying that the life I had had under his brutal rule was the only life I would ever have regardless of where I lived it.

I spent nearly a full week on the kitchen and pantries alone. The area could only have been considered clean if you looked at it from a blind man's perspective. Grease caked the walls and in places even the ceiling. Every surface had a thin slimy layer of the stuff that was so hard to remove I knew it had been there for years. Even the stone floor was discolored by the stuff. I doubtless went through a year's supply of soap and almost as many scrub brushes just trying to get the worse of the nastiness under control. At least I wasn't having to do it all by myself.

There were two boys that had been set to fetch and carry for Mary and they had gotten too used to sneaking off or only doing their chores half way. That stopped after I told them if they expected to eat as well as I fed Jonah and the other men that they better expect to work as hard as the men did and then went on to prove my point by serving them gruel at several meals when they would get caught shirking. I wouldn't starve them, couldn't bear the idea of it after I had been there myself, but I had to draw the line or they would only ignore me more than they already did at that point.

After the kitchen came the kitchen gardens. Lucky for me Jonah said to just tell him what I wanted done and it would get done. "Jonah, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want anyone to think I believe myself too good to work. My Da didn't raise me like that and would have tanned my hide had I ever even thought it."

Jonah was a cranky cuss but for some reason he had decided he liked me. "Sure Gilly, but your Da's no here. You be Young Cor's wife for all he ain't bedded ya yet. Yer's to say what's done and I's to do the doing. That be the order of things around here."

The order of things. Jonah was fond of the idea that there is an order to things and he let me know that it was high time things were once again orderly. "Thet's been the problem Gilly. The order 'as been gone. You be bringing the order back. It makes the estate perky. The hens be laying more. The stallions be studding more. The trees and fields be saying things to the planters they ain't been sayin' in years. Even that old hound be getting a little randy with that female pup what come around in heat and I just about be done give up on him for good. Mayhap when young Cor comes back you'll get him good and randy for Missus Francie … or for yourself … and they'll be Corman children on the estate again. A passle of them would be a good thought to think on."

I didn't know whether to laugh at Jonah's words or not. I know he believed them, but really? The last thing I wanted to think on was a randy anything much less a randy man I'd never met, especially under the circumstances. I'd met enough randy men to know that it wasn't necessarily what was under their hat they were thinking with and if what the Captain said was true Cor would need all his thinking skills to survive Francine's people.

But finally even I could admit things were looking "perky," or at least perkier than they had been. My Gran and Ma had been fierce about a clean home for Gramp and Da to come home to after a day at the forge. Some of my earliest memories are of my ol' Gran teaching me the right way to sweep to keep the dust from swirling up and settling on everything and on the best way to wash a dish so that sickness didn't grow in any cracks.

I started to take each room of the main house and turn them out one at a time. I started at the top in what Francine proudly told me were the nursery and rooms where the helpers slept. I surmised after questioning Winnie that helpers was just another name for servants. There hadn't been any need for any of the rooms at the top of the house in over a decade and their decay showed.

Francine asked me, "Why do you bother? You shouldn't waste energy cleaning areas that aren't going to be used when there are so many other things to do."

Ugh, like she would know. If she truly had as many sick headaches as she claimed she needed to see a healer immediately … or perhaps just go straight to the undertaker. I shook my head beginning to wonder if perhaps where some things were concerned she was as silly as she played at being. I told her, "All cleaning is useful and in this case it's needful. Top to bottom instead of bottom to top keeps dirt from getting tracked back through clean areas. If you let mold and mildew get hold in one area it will only spread to others. Vermin hide in uncared for corners and then carry their pestilence across the whole house in the night when no one is looking." Deciding it was time to push her a bit I told her, "Francine I'll clean the whole house except for your room and … and Cor's. That is your place and your responsibility alone." Before she could start her usual pretty and helpless pout I turned to Winnie and said, "You pick up anything heavier than a fan and I'll sic the Captain on you. I've got no desire to have my heart stop beating watching you go into another faint. I nearly swallowed my tongue last time."

Winnie rolled her eyes and said, "You did not. I swear you were as calm as you please."

"Well if you have no care for my feelings the least you could do is have a care for the poor Captain. I swear he's still stained a bit green around the gills."

The man in question gave a mock shudder but a look passed between us that he'd square off with Winnie if need be to keep her out from under my feet. She really did make me nervous when she went that awful grey color right before she took a dive to kiss the floor.

Somehow or other Jonah got wind of my plans and before I was finished with the top rooms several women had shown up to give me a hand. It wasn't quite like having my sisters around as the women were several years older than me but it was still nicer than doing the work all alone. They were wooden at first but by the end the housework I think they at least didn't think I was some kind of she-devil sent to make their lot in life worse. A few even seemed to approve of me; not all of them but more than one or two.

It was when I finished with the house that I ran into problems. I knew nothing of substance about barns or stables, wine cellars or smokehouses … at least not on the grand scale as they were on the estate. Our smokehouse had been an old barrel set over a smoky fire; our wine cellar the back of a closet where Gramp kept the bottle of mescal the occasional Mexi would trade for a set of new shoes for his horse. What hurt the worst was seeing the sad shape the blacksmith's hut was in.

I stood there a moment before walking in then couldn't stop myself from running my hands over the bellows and feeling like crying to see that mice had chewed holes in it. Rusty tools still hung on the wall from even rustier hooks. The anvil had somehow been tipped on its side. I knew there was no way I could do it but I still fell to my knees and tried to right it. It seemed to symbolize everything in my life and the tears began to fall.

"Oh Da, I'm all awash. There's so much to do and no one to ask about it. The Captain admits he is no estate manager and the last few days he's seemed so tense with couriers running letters all over the place. I dare not bother him. Winnie is no better and hides in her room and I don't know what to do for her. Francine … we won't even go there. Perhaps Jonah will know but I hate to look the fool in his eyes. Oh Da, why'd you have to go and die and leave me to this awful life? You made me stay in those bushes and I had to watch them evil men kill you … and I'm so alone and now I'll always be. Why couldn't you have taken me with you?"

I don't know where it all came from. I hadn't cried like that in a long, long time. I was just about determined to stop when something fell across my shoulders causing me to near jump out of my skin. I was up and putting my back to a wall and caught between grabbing for the small kitchen knife I had taken to carrying in my apron and brushing the tears from my eyes so I could see proper when a man spoke.

"I was prepared to hate you. Why did you have to go and make that impossible?"


	10. Chapter 10

_**Chapter 10**_

"Hate me? Why? Have we met?" I asked.

"No. No we haven't met. The fact that you are here and still breathe should be enough."

I was beginning to have my suspicions which were confirmed when I heard the Captain yell, "Cor!"

I tried to swallow around the desert that had suddenly sprung to existence inside my mouth. All we could do is stare at each other. I don't know what he saw in my eyes but in his there was a look of barely controlled fury that warred with what look suspiciously like unwilling pity. I didn't care for the fury and despised the pity.

Before either of us could utter a word however I heard boots clomping down the verandah stairs from the back of the main house and the Captain calling once again, "Cor? Where are you son?"

The man in front of me sighed and answered, "Over here Uncle Rob."

I started to edge back into the shadows as much as I could and was giving serious consideration to the idea of escaping through the small window opposite the door way. What light had been coming in around the man now leaning on the doorframe was blotted out as the Captain stepped in beside him.

Cautiously he looked and then saw me. I straightened my shoulders. I didn't like feeling trapped, not that I hadn't been figuratively trapped in some way for several years, however I refused to reveal my fear but for different reasons for each man. The Captain I respected and didn't want him to think me weak. And for the other one, I would no more reveal my fear to him than I would to a hungry, hoary beast.

The Captain snapped, "Cor! There is no need for this."

I could see the man take immediate offense and God help me I don't know why I had to put my foot in it. "I don't know what you're thinking Captain but I just got caught up in memories and the dust of this place. He didn't do nothin'."

The man didn't appreciate it any more than the Captain seemed to believe it. He snapped, "I have a few things to say to you … you …"

The Captain growled, "Her name is Fel boy and there is no need to act like this."

Losing patience I told the Captain, "I may not like what his words he chooses Captain, but he has the right to say them. Words won't break me." Then I turned to the man. "But you raise your hand to me and you'll be pulling back a nubbin'. You want to spew your venom fine but you'll be spewing your innards if it is more than that and damn the consequences." Turning back to the Captain I added, "I don't need a nursemaid and it's best just to get it all done and over with."

Looking at us both as if he were somehow disappointed he said, "I will be with Winnie."

After he had gotten out of ear shot I mumbled, "I never know whether it is a threat or not when he says that."

The man said, "You think to make me your allie with such words?"

I shook my head, "No more than I'd believe you're willing to be my allie in this life." Sighing I said, "If there is going to be shouting at least let us move further away from the house. I don't want to upset Winnie; she's sick enough as it is."

Squaring his shoulders he said, "Nor do I wish to upset my wife … Francine."

He was already drawing lines in the sand. I suppose I shouldn't have expected any less but for some reason I had expected someone more like the Captain and it hurt that he so obviously wasn't. Though why I expected anything else is beyond me. I'd already been told how he would feel and I should have been more suspicious of the comings and goings of the couriers and the Captain's and Winnie's dour moods.

We walked silently until we reached a small structure near a stream. I'd taken to coming out here in the hottest part of the day when no one wanted to work and dangling my bare feet from a bridge over the icy spring-fed water.

"How fitting," the man said with a sneer.

"How so?" I asked.

"As if you didn't know."

I didn't want to antagonize this man. I kept hearing that he wasn't a hitter but in my experience even a normally calm man could hit if provoked. And this man was already provoked and being honest with myself I knew he had reason to be. No telling what I would do in his boots; I was having enough trouble not chewing the woodwork as I walked made my own footprints.

I asked him, "What do I call you?"

"What?"

I repeated, "What do I call you? I hear people say you go by Cor but you've not give me leave to call you anything. People call me Fel."

Angrily he said, "I am not your friend." For some reason that struck me funny and I laughed before I thought. Even more angrily he asked, "You find some humor in this?!"

I sighed as all the fun evaporated. "Not really. Just when they first shoved this situation down my throat people kept telling me they weren't my enemy and that I had nothing to fear from anyone. Now you say you aren't my friend in a way that says the opposite of what others were trying to convince me of. It'd be nice if you people would make up your minds so I could figure out just how much misery I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life."

After a few moments of angry pacing the man said, "Cor … just … just call me Cor." More belligerently he said, "But that's all you'll call me. You aren't my wife."

"No, no I'm not."

My response finally got through his fog of anger and penetrated his thick skull. He growled, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I agree with you. I'm not another wife to you. I don't believe in multiple spouses and that sort of thing. You might try and force me to be your whore but I'll fight you every step of the way no matter how accommodating the Captain and Winnie are trying to convince me to be … accommodating for your own good I might add."

He sneered, "So you think you can ruin me?"

I shook my head. "You know, when you get done being angry and are ready to think you might find out it doesn't have to be their way and your life doesn't have to be ruined … there might just be another solution. I don't want what has been done to me. I don't want the future they are trying to force on me. I can't escape it all though so I've been thinking on just how much I might be able to escape. I doubt you've got that far yet considering you've probably only found out about how people have been planning your life for you."

A flash of fury had him balling his fists and I set myself for a beating. I didn't cringe but I got ready to move so that the hits didn't land too squarely. Instead he surprised me by turning and walking a few feet away, like maybe he didn't trust himself not to do something that would only make him feel worse than he already did.

"What did they give you to do this to me?"

"To do this to you? I'm the one bought and paid for like some saloon girl. I don't know who to claim is the pimp … them Lathrops, your precious Council, maybe even the Captain and Winnie; they've all had a hand in sticking me where I'm at. Even you."

"Me?! I don't want you here! I didn't even know about you until a few days ago."

"If you had picked a wife that could …"

He was in my face as quick as a snake and just as quick I knew I'd gone too far and turned to run. But I'd forgotten how much junk was hidden under the leaves that lay all over the ground and when I turned I wrapped my foot in a tree root that had worked its way to the surface. The toes on my bad foot slid between a bend in the root and the ground and as I went down the thin leather of my moccasin finally gave up the ghost. I'd left off padding the area where the little toe was missing and as luck would happen that is exactly the skin the root seemed to attack with as much fury as the man himself was feeling.

I closed my eyes and fought, dividing my strength between my pain and the man. It wasn't until the man growled, "Will you hold still, you are only making it worse" that I realized it wasn't a pounding he was trying to give me but help in untangling.

"Don't touch me. Leave me be. I'll …" I had to swallow around the bile that had crept up my throat. "I can take care of it myself."

"A likely story. You're the color of moldy cheese."

"You'd know given what I found growing in your pantry t'other week," I told him, hoping to make him angry enough to back off.

Instead he said, "Hold still or I'll fetch Mary to sit on you. She'll be happy to if you've been bothering her kitchen."

"It ain't her kitchen, it's yours as the head of this lunatic crew you got. Besides Mary ain't here. She left the moment we arrived saying something about her daughter giving birth and that she would be seeing to her for I don't know how long." Slapping his hand away I added, "And if you mess with my skirts one more time I'm gonna make your head lopsided with whatever I can find to do it with. I may not be strong enough to stop what you're after but I'm not gonna just give up without a fight."

With that he sat back and scooted a few feet away. "I wouldn't touch you if it meant freeing me of all my debts."

I straightened my skirt that was made from what was left of the leather aprons at Gramp's smithy and told him, "Good. 'Cause I'll never be no man's willing whore no matter it is supposed to be for the good of your precious family and of Kipling itself."

I pulled myself up though it hurt to put weight on the blasted foot and limped out of his reach. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of checking to see how much damage I'd done.

"What'd you do to your foot?"

I told him, "It's none of your concern."

"It is if I caused it."

I shook my head, "It's an old injury. Nothing for you to have to think about."

He looked me over from head to toe. "You look like something the dog dug up."

"And you smell like something he's fond of rolling in. Got any more ways to tell me you find me unsuitable? I'll let you know when you get around to finding one I haven't heard before."

He snorted. "You've got a mouth on you."

"Yeah. Pot meet kettle. You aren't exactly slow with the insults yourself."

That stopped him. Instead of taking notice of what I'd just said he asked, "If they aren't paying you to do this to me why are you here? To torment Francine?"

I shook my head. "The only time I see her is when she comes to eat 'cause she's learned I ain't gonna haul a tray up to her sitting area when it only makes me more work and she won't even bring her dishes down. And by the way do you know how many dishes I found up in that blasted sitting room when I finally got around to cleaning it? It took me a whole day just to get 'em all washed properly and we ain't even gonna discuss the nasties that was growin' in 'em when I finally found 'em. I was having to feed everyone out of trenchers and pots 'cause I didn't think you owned any table dishes! I've never been so embarrassed in my life and it sure did give the village women something to look at too."

Confusion was beginning to replace anger on his face. "What were the village women doing in Francine's sitting room? Did she have them in for company?"

"They were company but not the kind you mean. Jonah sent 'em to help me clean the house."

"You asked Jonah to send them?"

"Of course I didn't ask Jonah to send them. I didn't even know there was a village nearby. He did it on his own because he saw it was going to take me 'til the Dark Days come back around to get it all done by myself."

He shook his head and chose not to go down that path. "So, you aren't being paid and it isn't about Francine. Just exactly why are you here?"

"I wake up every day asking God the same blasted thing only He never answers. Why don't you ask Him if you're so interested? If He let's you know would you mind passing it along? I'd appreciate it for sure."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Chapter 11**_

He got up off the ground where he'd been sitting and then started to come towards me. I wasn't born with half a brain no matter how I sometimes acted and tried to move out of his way.

In frustration he said, "Enough. Just … just let us sit over there. We need to talk and I mean to have my say."

"Over there" was an old log that had been split in half long ways and made into a bench. The wood was so old and hard that not even the bugs bothered with it so the only thing I had to deal with was the damp and lichen that covered the flat surface like puffy cushions.

When we were both sitting, him on one end and me on the other, he said, "I did not choose this."

"So I've been told by the Captain and Winnie. They even said you'd react like this. I think they were hoping you wouldn't but they're smart enough to know that hope ain't enough to make something so."

This time it was a question. "You didn't chose this either?"

"Choice? I had no choice in this all the way back to when my town used me and my crèche sisters to pay the debt they had built to your Kipling. The way it was told to me maybe even before that as your Council worked it so that no one else would help my town and that they would have to pay at least some of their debt in marriage aged women."

In a disgusted tone he said, "That certainly wasn't my idea."

"No. The Captain told me you were smart enough to fix it so you'd not have to do such a thing on your run to the Southern Region."

He looked at me sharply. "And you believed him?"

I shrugged. "The Captain has never given me a reason to think him anything other than an honest man."

Cor fell silent again for a few moments. When it looked like he couldn't find the path he wanted to take I just sat there and let him take his time but was ready to move if he turned on me again. "You really don't know what this place is do you?"

"Huh?"

"This cabin. It is was used for …" He stopped and sighed. "Every wife is supposed to have their own living space. The early Corman men found it was better if their wives were separated not just by walls but by land, that each would have some bit that was theirs and theirs alone. Dotted throughout the estate are the remnants of cabins built for the other multiple wives … some seemed to need more space than others. This is the only one that still stands and it just happens to be the one that is closest to the main house."

My pleasure in the place was lost. I doubt I would ever be able to come and find the same kind of peace on this spot again. It must have showed on my face because he said, "It's a likely spot no matter what it started out being. Other members of the family have lived here over the years. There used to be a lot more children and they needed places to raise their own families."

I shrugged. What was I supposed to say? I knew the history, I just didn't want to be a part of a repeat. I looked over and saw him hunched over his hurts like he had a belly ache and suddenly felt something I hadn't expected to feel. I didn't pity him, he annoyed me too greatly for that, but I realized I could feel a little sorry for him. "Do you mean to fight or give in?" I asked.

In a voice dripping with sarcasm he said, "I have a responsibility to the family. I'm the leader."

It was obvious the Captain had already been at him. I shrugged, "That don't tell me nothing."

Sitting straighter and snapping his said, "I have higher responsibilities than my own desires. If it was only me you could rot for all I care but a lot of people are dependent on the estate and surrounding farms for their sustenance and support. If I don't allow this to happen there are some that will use my father's debts to destroy the Corman family, I'll lose control of the estate, and in the process other people that depend on me will get hurt."

"We both know that for a fact but that's still not what I'm asking."

"Then stop your prattling and spit it out," he snarled.

I sighed. The man was even pricklier than I was and that was saying something. "There are things we can't change. There are things we can change but to do so would hurt others unnecessarily. There are things that are completely out of our control through no fault of our own. It's not fair but neither is life. But …"

"But?"

"But that doesn't mean we have to just roll over and let them turn us on their spit and cook to their pleasure. They tell me you're smart … real smart, not just book smart. If I've thought of ways to get partially around this situation surely when you slow your anger down you can think of some more." He looked at me with distrust. I told him, "No need for that. It was Winnie and the Captain that explained things and you know they wouldn't do you harm. I know what your father was and the grief it brought. My own Da was some different than yours but that don't mean I can't understand some of what you must have gone through."

"We'll not speak of that," he told me firmly.

"Fine by me. What your Da would do if he were here doesn't have to have anything to do with what you chose to do. What we chose to do if we were to … to … well … be friends of a sort."

When he got a disgusted look on his face I did as well. "I ain't talking about that kind of friendship. As sick as it obviously makes you imagine me at the idea of being the 'other woman' when the first one is your little Francine. She's so weak she can't even seem to take care of her own underlinens and the way she is would make folks taking her part want to burn me at the stake."

"Do not malign my wife."

I chose my words with extreme care. I had my opinion of Francine and her tricks but if Cor was blind to them nothing I could say would make him see. But we had to get a few things out of the way or nothing would come out of this whole mess but more mess.

"It ain't maligning if it's the truth," I told him. "I don't want to fight over it but you have to see the only reason they were able to put me here is due at least in part because of the way she acts." The shake of his head was only half-hearted and I decided it would have to be enough and let it go.

After a moment of staring off into the trees he finally turned his gaze on me and asked, "So what am I missing that you see? How do we get out of this … situation?"

"We can't, not all the way. Not if you are going to save your family and your place here. We are both being used as chew toys by your Council. On the one hand we got people that are turning too ambitious to make things comfortable, ambition that if not curtailed will change the face of the whole region. On the other, we have those that are set on maintaining the status quo; some because it keeps the balance and some because they are simply afraid of being lorded over by someone with too much power."

"Then what are you proposing woman?" he asked showing his frustration again.

"Well, it can't be too dramatic or it will draw notice where we don't want it. But we have to be strong enough that those that want to manipulate you can't gain a purchase and cause cracks to grow and weaken your plans which is what I think the Lathrops might be after as much as they are after to make their ways the ways of the whole region."

"Even if I concede the points to you, what you've said still doesn't say how we do this."

It was now or never to make the leap. "Well for one … well … they can call us whatever they want but … but that doesn't mean that … that we have to be what they call us."

Irritated he asked, "And what by the Great Conflagration is that supposed to mean?"

I knew I could ruin this with one wrong word. "They already call me your wife but we both know … even Jonah has mentioned … that you … er … haven't bedded me." I could see the anger in his eyes again so I rushed on. "It doesn't sound like that is what you want and not to hurt your feelings any but the idea of it makes me want to run and go puke in them bushes. But it's been my experience that people pretty much think what they want to think no matter what the facts really are. When someone calls you a wife they pretty much think there is a husband in the picture and that the husband is being … husbandly if you get my meaning. So we let 'em think what they want … but keep the true facts to ourselves."

He didn't exactly look like I'd hit him in the face with a pan but it was close. "So you're saying we should lie about it." Rearing up he said, "I'll have you know I made a vow of faithfulness to Francine. I won't ruin my honor by word or deed."

I shook my head. "You know if I didn't know you were a man fully growed I'd wonder at your naiveté. Your Francine is one of the ones that has been pestering the life out of you to take another wife and don't bother to deny it, I've heard it from her own lips what little she actually speaks to me."

Not wanting to admit the truth he said, "It's the only life she has known."

I shrugged. "So? She married you and said she agreed to take on your way of life but since day one she's been trying to force her way of life on you. And she worked with her family to get her way and don't think she wasn't part of it. Had she objected it would have been a lot harder for her family to have done what they did."

Shaking his head he said, "She's too sweet and loves her family too much to deny them anything. It's just that she knows that … that … Look, she's not blind to the fact she was never taught to do some of the things that have been expected of her as my wife. If the estate was better off she would have never been put into the position she's in."

There are none so blind as those that will not see. I told him, "Even saying you're correct it doesn't make what she's done right. The road to hell is paved with lots of good intentions my Gran always said. I won't judge her but it wouldn't have been all that hard to get Mary or Winnie or even Mona or someone else to teach her what she needed to know. She made the choice not to learn. And quite frankly it has left you in a fix."

He fought the truth but it surprised me some that after a few moments he gave a short nod and admitted, "Aye, it has. She's like a child at times and it makes it even more important that I protect her."

Grrr. Two steps forward and one step back. Whatever, it was his choice. "So at least you can see letting people call me your wife isn't going to hurt her feelings since she is one of the ones that wanted it in the first place. And the rest we can just keep to ourselves."

He looked at me and I could see he was trying to control his disgust which should have made me angry but in reality made me want to laugh. He had no idea that I felt much the same for him but at least I had the sense to know that sometimes you just had to take what life dished out.

"Do you even know what you are saying?" he asked. "They'll expect me to … to spend nights in your bed. Even Francine has said …"

He trailed off but I didn't say anything. I had the sudden impression that more than anything had caused him some confusion and hurt since likely the idea of sharing her with anyone made him want to tear something and make it bloody. Quietly I answered, "No one said it would be easy. Not for you. Not for me. We just let them think whatever their desires lead them to think … and instead we read or play chess or sew the holes up in underdrawers or something like that."

A bark of surprised laughter was his response. It was loud enough to scare a grouse out of the brush and without thinking I threw the knife I had and then limped over to wring the bird's neck so it wouldn't suffer. I was tired of dried beef and pork and grouse pie sounded pleasing for supper.

I turned to find him looking at me in a strange way. "You've had that knife the whole time?"

"Well sure. Don't tell me you walk around alone and unarmed."

"That's not the point."

Then I wondered. "The Captain never said there was a rule against females carrying blades."

"There's not," he admitted.

"Then what did I do wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing. But you could have used it against me at any time."

"Oh is that all. Honestly. Look, my skin and the Captain's good opinion is worth more to me than what they would have done should I have killed you dead."

He gave me an even stranger look and asked, "You hunt?"

"I've only had time to do a little; that house of yours has been a right awful mess to clean not to mention all the cooking and washing. But Jonah's passing strangeness has helped with some of it."

Curious against his better judgment he asked, "You see Jonah as strange?"

"Oh sure. My Da taught me that if you kill a beast it is your responsibility to clean it for the cook. I tried to explain that to Jonah but all he'll say is that my Da isn't here and to give it to him and stop fussing. He says that about a lot of things."

Cor sighed and nodded, "Strangely enough Jonah used to say much the same thing to me once upon a time. 'Your Pa's no here lad so stop yer noise.'"

I turned away so he wouldn't see how surprised I was to feel like smiling. I'd come into the woods expecting a fight at the least and possibly getting hammered on. Smiling just didn't seem like the right way to end it.

It was his own confusion that saved me from showing mine. "I … I need to think … and see Francine. She's is probably worried sick."

I nodded my relief that our first meeting was soon to be over. To add even more reason I said, "And knowing the Captain he is waiting for a full report and if he doesn't get one soon he'll come in after us."

We didn't exactly walk back to the main house as friends but at least we weren't ready to give each other a knife in the ribs either.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Chapter 12**_

Once back to the house it didn't take long for all of my optimism to evaporate. It wasn't just Cor who was home. He had brought about two dozen men with him … big, loud, noisy men. And though not a single one was outright mean, not a single one of them acted like their opinion of me was higher than the mark left on the ground where a frog bumped its butt when it hopped. I honestly can't say they were like the men I grew up around … there was no pinching or name calling or trying to back you into a corner and manhandle you, no slapping or back handing or tripping to make all the rest of the menfolk laugh … but I can't say they impressed me as being all that much better either. The menfolk fell all over themselves for Francine and even to a lesser degree for Winnie but me they treated like a slattern only born to fetch and carry.

Four days I was up before the sun had even started thinking about taking the curling rags from its hair, working all day as fast as I could move and still not keeping up, and then not putting the last clean dish away and trying to find my bed until well after the clock struck the first morning hour.

The men lay all over the place like hounds too lazy to do their master any good at all. They'd move for the Captain, whoooboy would they move. They'd even move for Francine and Winnie though they were rarely about those first days, both claiming to be feeling off. In Francine's case I had my doubts but Winnie truly did get green every time one of the men lit up a smoke or puffed on a pipe. The only thing that would soothe her was mint tea and it was so hot that all she could do was lay around with her private bits barely hid behind a sheet; all splayed out trying to let as much of her skin get some breeze as possible. She was so miserable she wasn't the least embarrassed about it at all when I'd bring her cool well water to bathe with.

That fourth night I was so tired I was stupid. Mostly it is my own fault for not being more careful. The stew was finished and on the stove staying warm, the dishes and such were out in the room they called the dining hall just waiting for the dinner bell to be rung, and then I remembered I needed to bring a couple of jugs of mead up from the cellar. I've got eyes like a cat for seeing in the dark for all they're the color of a wolf's but right then they were gritty with fatigue.

I had noticed one of the steps had been squeaking more and more but just never took the time as I should have to see why. That night I stepped on it and there wasn't a squeak but a loud crack and suddenly I went flying. I don't even remember hitting bottom.

Next thing I remember is Jonah's voice saying, "You ain't gonna find her room up there Young Cor. She sleeps on a cot in the pantry."

Someone said something else and then he said, "Well, why else? You ain't give her a space as her own, all you care about is getting under Miss Francie's skirt to get yourself an heir. You seem to fergit you got another wife to take care of too."

Some time must have passed because the next thing I remember is sensing I was in a different place and the Captain was telling me, "Hush Fel, Allow Mrs. Wiley to tend you without fussing. She needs to see how badly you are injured."

Still later I finally came to and almost wished I hadn't. I felt like I did that time I had when the Headman's son had caught me and after he'd tried to give me slobbering mescal laced kisses I told him that I didn't want his porky fingers on me ever again and then shoved my knee where it would do us both some good. I barely crawled away from that beating and I was half of a mind that I must have done something like that again.

My tongue was the texture of felt and tasted like clabbered milk. I tried to roll over and then someone was there trying to put a cup to my mouth. I pushed the hand away and said in a voice that didn't want to stay on key, "Enough. I can tend myself. Leave me be."

"Uncle Rob warned me you would be hard headed."

With that I found my fight. Nothing hurt so bad that I couldn't push and claw him away from me until my bad foot dragged across the bedding letting me know someone had taken the bandage off. My body went stiff and I bit the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood to keep from screaming.

"The fight gone out of you yet or do you wish to continue doing damage to yourself?"

All I could do was pant and mutter, "Go find a well to fall down."

"I'll consider it if it means I don't have to listen to Uncle Rob giving me a lecture like I haven't had since I sprouted hair on my chin."

"When was that? Yesterday?"

An odd noise that sounded suspiciously like a chuckle preceded the words, "I suppose I deserve that … and worse. Jonah seems to think so anyway. I got a dressing down from him too. He'll be relieved to know you are awake and aware at last."

I was too tired to fight and didn't want to talk so I just turned my face away but all it did was tell me that I wasn't where I was supposed to be. I hissed, "How did I get all the way up here in the nursery?"

"Where else were we going to put you with the rest of the house full? In that mouse hole you made for yourself between the dried fruit and the cheese wheels?" After a moment he said, "Uncle Rob asked me why you didn't have a bedroom of your own and I couldn't give him an answer. You could have had your pick and saved me the embarrassment."

Still refusing to look at him I answered, "Where's the sense in that? All it would mean is traipsing that much further when I had to get up and cook and clean and there would just be more bedding to wash."

I was trying to understand why I was where I was and why I hurt and most importantly why that man was there with me in the dark. I nearly slapped him when he put his hands on me to settle me back on the bed right. Would have too if I hadn't felt like I had taken a dunking in the pond in the middle of winter. I started to shake and I felt another sheet pulled over me.

I groaned as I smelled fresh lavender. "Noooo. I just got the washing done yesterday. Don't make any more work for me."

"Hush, you're shivering from shock and not thinking straight." After I stopped fighting, more because the warmth felt so good than out of any kind of real obedience he asked, "Do you remember what happened?"

I tried to think but everything was jumbled. "I … I was cooking dinner. The stew … yes, the stew was done. I needed to go to the cellar for something … mead I think …" Irritated I said, "That's all I can recall right now."

"A stair broke near the top. You were laying there … a couple of hours. Some one finally asked when dinner would be served and that's when it was realized you were missing. We looked all over for you but it wasn't until Jonah thought to open the door that we finally found you."

I sighed, "Well that's a relief. I thought maybe I had said something to …"

"To what?" he asked.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter." I heard a raven and groaned again. "Move. I need to get up. I'm sure there is a mess left in the kitchen from last night and I've got to get breakfast started."

"Whoa, you aren't going any place."

"And just how do you expect the Captain and Winnie to get something to eat? And I guess Francine and your men as well. You? Sorry, just not seeing it."

He snorted in impatience. "One, it wasn't last night you fell but the night before. Two, the mess was cleaned up. And three, Mrs. Wiley is organizing some help for here at the house."

"Who's Mrs. Wiley? More than likely she is just one more person that thinks I don't belong here but it would be nice to know for sure."

"Mrs. Wiley is Jonah's widowed sister and doubtless my skin will grow back eventually where she's lit into me more than once for not doing my duty. I'm here instead of in my bed just to keep her tongue from wagging any more than it already has. My head is sore from having to listen to Uncle Rob, Jonah, and that old beesom tell me I should know better. Tell me how I'm supposed to know better when no one's been telling me just how bad things have gotten?!"

"I don't know. I'm a newcomer to these parts. How am I supposed to know what you consider bad? The only thing I've heard is that it's been like this for a long time." After an embarrassed moment I said, "I didn't ask them to say anything and didn't ask you to sit with me. All I want is to be left alone."

"Too bad, you're stuck with me here. I'm not going to disturb Francine trying to climb back into my bed this early in the morning. She's been upset enough as it is." I would have given a lot in that moment for the strength to toss him from the room.

I was nearly asleep again when he said gruffly, "You could have explained about your foot. I'm not some monster, I would have had someone look at it when you hung it up in the root."

"I don't want anyone to look at it. There's nothing that can be done. I'm not thickheaded enough to think there's magic enough in this world to grow toes back once they've been chopped off."

"Francine nearly fainted when she heard the story. Did you really have to …"

"Yes I did but if you expect me to talk about it all flaming day you can think again. It happened. It's over with. And it isn't your concern so leave off."

"Prickle Burr."

"Ask me if I care what you think."

He shifted in his chair and said, "I'm almost afraid to know what you think." A moment passed and he said, "This could have been handled better … I could have handled it better." He sighed like an old man. "We need to talk."

"We've already talked."

"Then we need to talk again. Things are moving faster than I expected. Trust me, I'd leave you alone if I could but there's no time."

My foot was starting to ache again which made me short tempered. "What have I done now?"

The chair scraped where he pulled it closer to the bed. "You've done nothing wrong Fel. This whole thing is a ridiculous mess but I can see now that not because you designed it to be that way."

I muttered darkly, "Maybe I should have fallen down the stairs in the first place and saved us all the trouble of the other day."

"No. I had my ears closed and wouldn't have listened even had I been the one to take the tumble down the stairs. My anger is sometimes like that and it is nothing I'm proud of. And I'm sorry to say all I'm about to do is heap coals on top of the trouble you've already had." When all I offered him was silence he said, "Francine was trying to be helpful I suppose when she did it."

"Did … what … ?"

"She sent a runner with a note to her Aunt Muriel. I'm told the woman should be arriving tomorrow to take the estate in hand until Francine is up to it."

I swallowed dryly. "And what does that mean exactly? Have they changed their plans? Will … will I be turned out?"

"No," he said firmly. "That old dragon is mistaken if she thinks I'm simply going to hand the keys to the house over to her."

"Francine might."

For the first time I heard real steel in his voice. "No. She will not." After a short moment he asked, "Did you truly mean what you said? Before? When we … er … talked the first time?"

"About being allies rather than enemies?"

"Yes."

"I suppose I must have."

Quietly he asked, "Have you changed your mind?"

I sighed. "I suppose I haven't."

In the shadows that were beginning to form as the sun rose I saw him get up and pace. "Things must be different around here. The estate can't afford to build you a new house but it can support repairing the cabin by the stream." When I stiffened he said quickly, "I know Fel. But you said yourself that just because a thing is called something doesn't mean that is what it is. Just because the cabin was something once upon a time doesn't mean it has to be the same thing now."

I really dislike having my own words used against me.

He continued. "People will expect it and I expect you'll be more comfortable in that cabin than on a cot in the pantry. It will also make it easier to … to carry on our … our playacting." He cleared his throat and then added, "And it will be easier if when I must spend time with you it isn't under the same roof as my wife."

I really, really wished for the strength to toss him from the room.

More than a little irritated I asked, "And exactly what am I supposed to do? Keep myself out of the way and hidden?"

He either didn't hear the sarcasm in my voice or chose to ignore it. "No. People will expect you to be seen and take part in caring for the estate. We can work out the details when you feel better."

"And what of the visit from the Lathrop spy?"

He paused. "I suppose that is how we should view the woman. Just use care when dealing with her. I do not wish to upset Francine any more than she already is."

Outraged I said, "This second wife business was her idea. She has no business being upset."

"Perhaps¸ but I suspect the reality of the situation is going to be more difficult for her than she realizes."

Oh I'd give her some difficulties all right but I wasn't going to tell Cor that. I was going to have enough problems to deal with without him getting so riled up he played right into their hands.

"Fine. But for now give me some peace if I have to take on the dragon sooner rather than later. I don't need babysitting, go hold Francine's hand. Likely she has another one of her sick headaches."

He looked at me like a man that was fighting an uncomfortable truth. "I'll leave, but only because Uncle Rob will wish to hear that you are awake. I'll also send Mrs. Wiley up to you as she will no doubt want to see how you fare."

Before I could tell him how I faired was no one's business but mine he had already left the room. I could have been offended but in truth I needed the time; I had a lot to think about and a gorgon to prepare to face.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Chapter 13**_

Not only could I feel all my bumps and bruises as I levered myself off the straw tick I had been laying on, but once I managed to get up I could see them too. Most wouldn't keep me from getting around but two came close. The shin on my good leg had a rainbow-colored goose egg on it as well as a couple of deep scratches. It meant putting more weight on my bad foot which was also more tender than it had been in a long while. The other bruise was so black it almost looked burnt and was right on the meatiest part of my hip, not that I had a lot of padding back there; Daphne had always been quick to point out I didn't get the right kind of attention because I didn't fill out my clothes very well front or back.

I had a feeling I wasn't going to find any comfort in standing or sitting for a while but it couldn't be helped. Hopefully no one would pay too much attention to me and I'd be able to make do without looking like a fool.

I was tying my skirt on when there was a brisk knock on the door right before it was opened to reveal a woman that reminded me a lot of Jonah … and as I was to learn, in more ways than one. "Tsk. Tsk. Do you want to give Young Cor the idea that he can act like he has air between his pitcher handles and there be no pains from it?"

Cautiously I said, "You must be Mrs. Wiley."

Her nod was as brisk as her knock had been. "I am. And you be Young Cor's new wife."

I opened my mouth then closed it. If I was going to let people think what they wanted I couldn't go around denying things at every turn. I didn't like it. The dishonesty of it went against what little better nature I had. And even if I didn't mind the lie – for a lie of omission is what it was – it went against the grain to let people think that I'd let myself be sold into bondage without a fight.

She must have seen something on my face because she softened a bit and turned me around and efficiently retied the horsetail that I kept my hair in. "Ye've a fine thick mass here. Most as has had a hard life has it show up in their hair and their skin. You don't look sickly; yer skin and hair both are as brown as a hickory nut though yer skin be a bit cut up in places. Like yer foot."

I shrugged not sure how to respond. Some of my skin tone came from my Ma but most of it was just always having to work outside. She didn't seem to really expect me to and when she was through with my hair she asked, "Any of yer bang ups poking at yer partically?"

I shook my head feeling that she'd managed to get my hair bound tight like I preferred it. "I've been worse. If I spoil any of them too much they'll only poke meaner." I paused and then said, "I'm sorry that all for want of watching where I put my feet you got stuck with my chores."

She sniffed and I wasn't sure exactly what that was supposed to mean but then she said, "About that. Jonah said that there might be an opening here in the big house. 'Twere you to offer I wouldn't say no. I hear that Mary is needed at her daughter's place. The daughter had twins this time - two more boys and her with a houseful of them already - and is doing poorly. Not a girl in the bunch to help out and her sister who lives next door is in the same shape. They've both asked Mary to stay but she won't abandon Miss Winnie."

"I'll … I'll ask Cor about it."

"Who will leave it to Miss Francie who will leave it to Miss Winnie who isn't in any shape to do anything even if she could. That leaves yer self. Yer be the only one what can put her foot down and straighten up the order of things."

Oh glory, there's that order business again. Then she asks me, "Do yer really think yer can keep up with everything alone? Young Cor comes and goes several times a season – has to though it grieves him to be away from the work here so much. Mayhap if he were home more he'd see things clearer. The Captain is a good man but is trying too hard not to meddle in Young Cor's business and he is gone for good pieces too though with Miss Winnie so close to her time I doubt he'll stray this season or next. And now I hear tell that Miss Francie has done sent for one of her aunts. Yer gonna let the running of this place slip away from the fambily? Let us all become thumb-screwed holdings of the Lathrops rather than free under the Cormans as it should be?"

Giving into my curiosity I asked, "Does it really matter to people? I was told that the relationship between the area farms and the estate aren't the best."

As honest as her brother she told me, "Sure and they could be better, and it wouldn't take much. Most do like Young Cor, they just can't abide the chaos his sire left behind; it still be leaving a bad taste in folkses mouths. And strength is needed after some get fond of having their own way for so long. Everyone is pretty sure Young Cor has the strength for it, he just ain't around enough to use it on the ones that need it. When a man has got to lead it be best if he get about the business of doing so. 'Nother problem be since he brought Miss Francie here some folks have begun to doubt he'll ever be able to set his house to rights. It's becoming worrisome and causing quarrels."

I wasn't going to get caught up in something I didn't understand so I asked, "Why do they say that?"

"Yer ain't a stupid Gilly, just look around. Yer've done more in the short time yer've been about this place than the whole six seasons that Miss Francie has been here. She be a sweet thing but she has no stuffing to her. She ain't took the time to get to know folks, like she be afraid 'cause they be different from what she knowed … or maybe she just don't like the rough ways of the folks 'round here when hers be so different spoken and uncaring of what we be so caring about. Instead of making a place for herself here she lets herself get lonesome and goes to visit her family for long stretches when Young Cor is gone. Not so bad when she goes to stay on one of their farms but when she goes to the fort she winds up spending coin that Young Cor ain't got to waste. And the few times she has tried to take on the reins as she ought, it left a bigger mess than what was there to start. What she needs is a babe in her belly ter keep her occupied so's those that can lead ain't gotta be entertaining her like all the time."

Well that was certainly an earthier take on the subject than I'd heard so far. I start to wonder what they must think of me though they say you never hear anything good about yourself when you eavesdrop.

"I was making do before Cor brought all those men home with him. Does he do that often?"

"Sometimes less but sometimes there's even more of 'em. They be young men that have no wives to keep 'em busy so's they gets up to stuff if they don't have enough work ter do to wear 'em out. Yer making do won't cut it when groups of 'em get locked up here when the snow flies. It was getting so that Mary almost feared Young Cor coming home 'cause it always meant so many more mouths ter feed and all t' other housework and cleaning up the tomfoolery they get into. They usually stay smart 'cause of the Cap'n being around but there's been a few to get fresh with Miss Winnie and Miss Francie. Jonah said they's been sizing you up to see what they got to work with."

"Humph. They try and 'work' me and they might just find they won't ever 'work' again."

That got me a cackle. "Jonah said yer had stuffing to yer. Glad ter see he was right."

It was slow going but I made it down the three flights of steps and into the kitchen. There I found Jonah and the Captain glaring balefully at Cor who was trying to ignore them while he sucked on what smelled like a mug of rye coffee.

All three jumped up when they saw me but it was Cor that snapped, "What are you doing out of bed?"

I was in no mood to be tongue lashed. "You want to drink that coffee or wear it? I'll get up when I please. No way am I going to roll around in misery when the heat of the day is already rising to the roof. It gets roasting up there even with the windows open as wide as they'll go."

"Humph. Well at least sit down. I don't want people thinking worse of me than they already do. I'm not going to let people think I'm forcing you do get up and cook and clean. And, you look awful."

"You don't exactly look as fresh as a dew dressed dandelion yourself. You should get into the habit of sticking your head in a bucket of cold water in the morning if you've got no bottom for breaking the dawn."

The Captain tried to hide a smile behind his mustache and drink mug. Jonah beamed and said, "Well, you don't sound like you cracked yer noggin none Gilly. I was a might worried you had. The house was a fair too quiet without you letting the world know what's what."

I looked at him and with a smile said, "I hear you're the one to thank, that you found me."

A little riled he said, "Shouldn't a taken so long. Sum body should have noticed yer were missing sooner."

From the look on Cor's face that wasn't the first time Jonah had said that. I shook my head but was careful not to jar my neck that felt like it wanted to stiffen up. "Well, it's over and done with. I'll be glad to get back to work." After a pause I said, "I know Mary was supposed to be back soon but the … the thing is I hear that she is caught in a bind."

The Captain sat his mug down. "Mary? Our Mary? Is she in trouble?"

"Uh uh, not trouble exactly. Her daughter had twins and is down for longer than she thought she would be. Boys again and I've been told she already has a house full of them."

Jonah had an interested look on his face as he did like a bit of gossip now and again; and the Captain was eyeing me like he was trying to figure out where I was going with this. Cor on the other hand appeared to be smarter than some were giving him credit for being. He put his mug down on the table and said, "If you are asking, you can forget it. I won't turn Mary off. She's been with the family forever."

I shook my head. "Don't be knuckleheaded. No one is asking you to."

"I won't let anyone else do it either."

"That's an even bigger act of knuckleheadedness. Why would anyone want to do that? No one really complains and she's been loyal to you since you were a baby."

I didn't know whether it was loss of sleep or worries or if he was really that big of a chucklehead or just what but he was losing patience again and said, "I don't have the time for this. Just spit it out already."

I sighed. "You know, it isn't necessarily everyone else that is making this so hard. It's as plain as the nose on your face that you don't want Mary to be hurt and not have any support. It's just as plain that this has been too much for her for a while but that she's not wanted to say anything because it would leave you – and in particular Winnie – in a pickle if she did. Two people wanting to do for the other for the best of intentions, but look where it has led. Mary gets overworked and stuck here when her family needs her somewhere else which I am sure pinches at her and you wind up getting pecked at all the time because it is obvious things aren't getting done like they used to and that people see how poor Mary is struggling. You've both done it just as long as you can but now there is a better solution for both and no one has to get their feelings hurt or nose out of joint."

Cor cautiously sat back and said, "And that solution is?"

"Mary's daughters want her to come live with them. They need her more than we do and if she managed to put up with you for all these years all those grandsons should be a piece of cake." Cor got an outraged look on his face so I rushed on before he could muck things up. "Mrs. Wiley has kindly informed me that she would be willing to step in and take over for Mary if the position became available. She's local, knows the right people, and she's Jonah's sister and if she is anything like him she's as trustworthy as they come."

Still stubbornly clinging to the way he thought things should be run he said, "Francine should have the running of the house. I can't believe you are already trying to disenfranchise her."

The Captain said, "You are being unjust Cor. Fel is not trying to disenfranchise Francine. You know it whether you'll admit it or not that Francine has never shown the least bit of … er … interest … in taking over the reins the way they must. She was brought up for entertaining but not for running a house that has … er … some necessary economizing to do." He turned to me and said, "Fel, disenfranchise means …"

A little insulted I told him, "I know what it means. I'm not completely ignorant you know." Trying to put away my feelings I turned to Cor and treading carefully I tried to bring him around. "You've tried to wait on Francine to get her feet under her. I can understand that. But it isn't working. She's had six seasons to find a way to work it out. Perhaps Francine is … is …" I didn't dare say what I really thought what Francine was so I picked another phrase. "Perhaps Francine is like you … too worried that Mary will be left out in the cold. People can be too nice you know."

I'd given him an out that left Francine looking sweet and innocent and not what I suspected she really was. It took a bit of grasping at straws on my part but it left enough wiggle room that Cor might just take the bait and be willing to be managed. Something told me though after he gave me a hard look he knew what I was doing, or at least suspected something was going on. He steepled his fingers and continued to stare for almost a minute and I was starting to sweat it. Then he suddenly just flopped back in his chair and said, "Fine. As long as Winnie isn't upset by the solution you can ask Mrs. Wiley if she would care to come work here … assuming that is that you don't have a problem with it Jonah?"

The man in question kept an innocent look and said, "Me? Naw Young Cor. Seems providential. Mary gets ter be with her people. Miss Francie doesn't get worried ter bits about … er … things. Me sister gets a place out from under that dragon what was her husband's sister. And a few strings get tied up before you get yer … er … yer visit from some of Miss Francie's people on the morrow."

"Fine," Cor said resigned. "Uncle Rob, could I ask you to make sure the papers are in order? And Jonah, make sure that Mary gets what she needs. With that many grandkids maybe she would appreciate a cow … or two … as parting gifts from the Corman family. And keep an eye on her. If it looks like she is going in want tell me and we'll work it out."

That surprised me a little as I hadn't expected him to really see such things. Frankly I hadn't thought of it either and I felt bad about it. I suppose those things were done differently here than they were in our town where you were expected to look after yourself as soon as possible and that didn't end with old age.

I stood to go help Mrs. Wiley in the kitchen but Cor stood with me and said, "I want to talk to you before people start coming down for the morning meal and I get pulled away."

"I should help …"

"Mrs. Wiley has it all in hand. This needs to be done."

"Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

"Are you up to a short walk?"

Jonah nodded encouragingly but added, "Just calls me if yer gets ter feeling poorly Gilly. I'll bring the push cart and tote you back ter the house."

"I am not going to be hauled in a cart like refuse for the compost pile!"

"Well, it's that or get hauled back like a sack a taters over Young Cor's shoulder. Yer can take yer pick."

I hadn't even shut my mouth before Cor was guiding me out of the back door and down a side path away from the main house. I was aggrieved to note he was trying not to laugh, but not trying very hard.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Chapter 14**_

"I won't," I told him. "I'd rather crawl through muck and scum. I didn't resort to it last winter and I won't now."

No longer laughing Cor asked, "Last winter is when you lost your toe?"

"I didn't 'lose' it. I know right where I buried it after I cut it off."

He made a face like he'd bitten into something spoiled. "The place you came from sounds a real dream vacation." He shook his head. "I know there are a lot of brutal places like that in the Outlands but none that I heard of would leave a woman helpless and alone in such condition."

"I wasn't helpless."

He snorted, "Are you saying you found the experience pleasurable?"

I shook my head. "Of course I didn't … but it didn't break me and that is what the Headman was after. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. And for that matter I wasn't alone either. My crèche sisters helped when they could at great risk to themselves. And Docia even sewed my foot knowing she could have wound up in the stocks for it, maybe even put on the strapping post and beaten for all to see. It might have meant her death but she wouldn't abandon me."

"Docia … she's the one that married my cousin Robbie."

I hadn't even thought about that he was Robbie's cousin. "Yes."

I tried to keep the hopefulness out of my face but he must have seen it and told me, "I met her … it was before I found out about you. She … she seems …"

I nodded. "I know she's a light weight sometimes in the thinking department but she isn't stupid or silly and she's a pleaser if folks give her half a chance. She's good at doctoring … well, not the sort of doctoring that part of your family does but she was just about the only doctoring those of us in the crèche saw. Her grandmother was the town's yarb woman."

"Mmmm. Aunt Mona has already taken to her from what I can tell, says she's good with the older folks. Aunt Winnie said that you might like to write to her. If you can't write I'm sure Francine will help you."

"Do you take me for …? Never mind, looks like you might. Yes. I can write, and more than just putting an X for my name. I can read and cypher as well. Da made sure of that even though I had to keep it hid for the most part. I taught my sisters what I could, it was one of the few ways we had to get back at the men." Refusing to let the chance get away I asked him, "Did you mean it? About me being able to send a note to Docia? She was anxious about us being parted. Did she seem …"

When I got stuck looking for a word he said, "Happy?"

"No, happy is something that seems too much to hope for. I'm more interested in if she seems well. Your cousin didn't strike me as a hitter but …"

"Of course Robbie isn't a …" His outrage faded and then he said, "No. Docia won't find that here in Kipling. And certainly won't find it with Robbie. His mother would skin him like a savage. But to set your mind at rest, write your letter and I'll take it with me to the fort when I leave in a few days. While I'm there I will stop in and perhaps be able to bring you a note back when I come."

"You're off on one of your barter runs again?"

He shook his head. "Not yet. I've some paperwork to file with the record keepers and … and a few other things. I hope to only be away a few days."

We fell silent again and I tried to keep to my normal pace and ignore how tight and pain-filled my body felt but Cor walked slow which forced me to walk slow or look stupid, as if I was trying to run away from him.

Out of nowhere he says, "Mrs. Wiley says you need new shoes."

I shook my head. "There's nothing wrong with my moccassins. I wouldn't mind the use of a piece of leather so I could patch the worn side but …"

"Talk to Jonah about having the cobbler out."

Aggravated I asked, "Did you hear what I said?"

He looked at me and said, "The whole valley can hear what you say when you get agitated. But now I think of it I'll simply tell Jonah myself so you don't … forget."

We had reached the destination I had realized he'd been making for. The cabin. "Sit before you fall. Your face is looking like moldy cheese again."

"And yours is going to if you don't stop making comments on what's none of your business."

I sat because it suited me to but instead of sitting on the bench as he had during our other talk he leaned on the trunk of a nearby tree. "Fel, I've given some thought to your proposal. I've also been told a few things by my uncle that I was not aware of when I first returned and was presented with this … this situation."

Cautiously I asked, "What sort of things?"

"That my wife's family is seeking more influence over the governing of the Council which could create threats of civil war. We haven't had that since the Dark Days and that could be very dangerous for everyone as Kipling is already in a weakened position because of the things that were already explained to you." He paused and then added, "Uncle Rob said that you were quicker to grasp the problem than I have been."

I shrugged. "Well, they did kind of give me all the facts in one fell swoop rather than me having to gather them as I went. And it sounds like you've been busy trying to repair the damage that your … a … I mean that your family suffered from your grandfather dying so young. I saw it because that sort of thing is common where I'm from. Maybe not on a grand scale like you've got going on but it amounts to the same thing. There's always going to be people that think they can do a better job at something than the next person can. Here people seem to inherit their … their power and position. I suppose that is OK if the person inheriting it knows what to do with it for the good of all rather than just his or her family or even just themselves. It sounds like Kipling has been lucky for the most part and that you balance out the rule by birth with a system of checks and balances so that everyone in Kipling has some say in things no matter what family they're in. But where I'm from the Headman is elected by the elders and rules absolutely. When things are going well Da used to call it a popularity contest but when things go bad, it is more the strongest and wiliest that will be the one that gets picked to run things."

Trying to explain I told him, "Our old headman that started the feud that cost my family their lives was popular for a while because he could be charming and make good treaties with other groups in the area; but he liked too much to have the women stroke his ego … among other things. It caused problems when he started doing it with the wives of other headmen. The headman that was elected after him is strong and finished the feud but he is stupid and unnecessarily brutal … the elders will have a time getting rid of him unless someone sees that he has an accident."

"An assassination?"

I shrugged. "No one will call it that but I suppose that is what it amounts to." When he continued to lean on the tree instead of talk I made to get up.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't sit around all day Cor, I'll get stiff and there's more than enough work to help Mrs. Wiley with. Winnie's babe can't be much longer in coming and we need to prepare for that too."

"I know. One of the reasons I am going to the fort is to see if Aunt Mona will send someone out. The original plan was to send to the village for the midwife when her time came but … Uncle Rob is worried. She's suffering a lot more than she is letting on."

I nodded. "I haven't liked to go exploring too far in case I was needed."

"You're a midwife?"

"Me? No. Docia taught us all a few things and my old Gran knew a thing or three about birthing babes whether they were animal or human and expected me to carry it on after her. I helped my Ma with my brother and she had bad trouble with him … he came feet first. That was the only time I ever saw my Da cry, he was that thankful to God it just poured out of him. He never got the chance to cry at what the Lakesiders did to them … but I suppose I did enough crying for both of us when I realized I was left behind and alone."

I hadn't meant to be so free with my past. I tried to get up again but this time he stopped me by putting his hand on my shoulder. "Sit Fel. We really do need to talk."

"About?"

"Your place here. It has been brought to my attention rather … er … forcefully that I … I'm letting my … emotions rule my head."

I looked at him and saw an uncomfortable man that was carrying a load of responsibility that was bowing him … but not breaking him. He was still young enough he should have been able to enjoy being silly as young men are wont to be without it meaning life or death. Instead he had the care of not just himself but of a lot of other people as well and he had to learn how the long hard way as his Da didn't show him how to be the man for the job. I had no idea just how many people he took care of but the way Jonah talked quite a few and even if the farm families were not directly part of his responsibility, what he did and how he acted influenced their lives greatly.

"You love her," I said simply.

He sighed. "I do. But … but as Uncle Rob has pointed out love doesn't fix everything and the people we love are rarely perfect. I love Francine. She's not perfect but neither am I. I won't see her hurt and I will not be unfaithful to her and no one can make me … but …"

I didn't know what to make of that "but …".

He straightened his shoulders. "I'll ask once again if you are still willing to act … act … as …"

I didn't like feeling bad for the man but I did. I certainly didn't want him as my enemy but I wasn't sure if I wanted some man, and him in particular, as my friend. I wasn't the only one caught between a rock and a hard place. "Us being allies? Yes. Even if we get on like oil and vinegar I still think it is the only way to do this, to prevent those Lathrops from mucking things up for you and yours."

Carefully he said, "I would like to know what you think you will get from this … this … treaty between us."

Now that was a hard one. But it was pretty easy at the same time. "I hope to come away with my life."

He arched a disbelieving eyebrow. "Your life? That's all?"

"All?" I asked incredulously. "My life might not mean much to you but it does to me. And my life is more than I would have gotten had I remained in my town." Letting him see some of my anger I told him, "I didn't have a choice of being sold. I wasn't given a choice between being a real wife to someone and this … this situation they handed me. I was told just to suck it up and too bad that what few foolish dreams I'd managed to hang onto despite it all would never come true. I certainly didn't pick you to be in this situation with. And when I got here part of me wondered if my life was worth living anymore. But I've had time to think. I like the Captain … and Winnie too. Jonah is passing strange but he's turned into someone I trust even if he is a man. He doesn't lie to me and in his own way he is kind to me. I think I'll like Mrs. Wiley too for she and Jonah are a lot alike. Maybe over the years, if it is years I get, I'll meet others like that and I'll get to see or at least hear from my sisters again and know that they did get a good life. I think that that can be enough. To you that might not be much but it is more than what those raiders left me and it is more than what the Headman wanted for me. It will have to be enough for it is all there is for me."

I'd made him uncomfortable again and a little angry besides but I didn't care. I might have cared if I was going to get hit but as prickly as he could be I haven't seen any signs that he'd punch me just for giving him a little lip.

"What am I supposed to say to that?"

I told him, "I ain't asking you to say anything. You asked a simple question and I have you a simple answer. Unless I'm as cross-eyed as a drunk porker I've seen you ain't exactly had a lot of choice on this either. I swear sometimes it is enough to make me feel like walking into a hot zone to get away from all the people that want to order my life when they can't even manage their own without making a mess. But now that they put me here I don't plan on letting them make it worse. I know them Lathrops are the family of your precious Francine but I already don't like 'em at all."

He just stood and stared at me.

"What?!"

"Sometimes you talk like … well you talk better and then sometimes you talk like … like …"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh fine, I'll try and remember I have some education … but I can't promise you it won't come and go when I get aggravated or irritated. Da kept telling me I had to learn to speak properly so that when he took us back to his home I could make a proper marriage. He didn't talk as fine as the Captain does but no one around here would look crosswise at his speech. It just seems sometimes I don't feel like being his idea of what a lady is supposed to be. Sometimes I just can't get my head to think any other way than how the words that come out."

He shook his head. "You might want to watch that when Muriel arrives. She can be a stickler."

I muttered darkly, "She better hope I don't stick her."

"Stickler not …"

Impatiently I told him, "I know what you said … and you heard what I said. I haven't met her and I already know that I don't want to spend any more time in her company than I have to. Now is that all you wanted?"

"No cranky, it isn't."

"Then what already. I feel like we do nothing but talk in circles going over the same ground time and again."

He sighed. "Then let's not. We need to talk about settlements."

"Settlements? Is there more of them that just Kipling?"

"Huh? No no, not that kind of settlement. Settlements … if you are to be … be my …"

My embarrassment made me more belligerent than I might have otherwise been. "You know, if it sticks in your craw so much you can't even bring yourself to say it …"

He hit the innocent tree with the flat of his hand in irritation. "Well, how easy is it for you to say it?"

"Not easy. And what's worse I have to let other people call me something that I'm not and it makes me feel like a liar. But better a liar than a whore. So … husband … what kind of settlements are we then talking about."

He calmed when he saw I didn't like it any better than he did and answered, "For your care and upkeep."

"For my what?!"

"Hush you looby! I came out here so no one would listen in. You start screaming and you'll bring them running."

Considerably more quiet I hissed, "I wasn't screaming but if you think I'm gonna take money like some saloon girl you can think again!"


	15. Chapter 15

_**Chapter 15**_

"Lord you are touchy," he muttered.

"And that's another thing … if we do this …"

He looked like he was thinking about being offended then he sighed. "Whether you know it or not I'm trying to do the right thing but I suppose after all you've been through I shouldn't be surprised that you wouldn't see it that way." He shook his head. "Let's not get off track here. We really do need to speak of settlements if for no other reason than to get Winnie to get off my back and calmed down."

"Winnie? What's she got to do with it?"

"She's female, which is to say she's making it her business; and if Mona was here it would be even worse. The women of Kipling take that sort of thing very seriously. Look, I might not want any part of this second wife business – and I know neither do you so stop looking at me like I'm wearing manure – but it worked in a fashion once upon a time and still does for some. I don't agree with it and don't know if I ever would have but this is what I'm stuck … what we're both stuck with, at least for a good long while, maybe the rest of our lifetimes. People are funny about the multiple wives thing around here. The rules were established back in the Dark Days and are still the law today."

"The law. The law?"

He nodded. "This isn't just a thing that affects you and I but has to be based on precedent. The Lathrops won't want their plans to go awry. I always knew that they preferred the ways of the early days and have resisted every change that has come since but I had no idea they wanted everyone forced to go back to those days and ways."

"Explain would you? I feel like I'm walking around in the dark."

"I don't have time to give you chapter and verse but the short version is that the Lathrops have always wanted to … to dominate the land and the people around here with tech and fuel has been part of that. It is one of the reasons they chose to specialize in that industry. My … my father was of a similar mind when you could get him to pull his nose out of his books and his lab to have a conversation on it." The way he stumbled over talking about his Da told me he wasn't comfortable with the subject. "That's really how I started keeping company with the Lathrops; he hoped some of their industry would rub off on me."

"Did it?"

He shruggede"H"

. "Not everything they do is bad any more than everything my father did was bad. The Corman estate isn't completely dependent on the Lathrops for our fuel because of some of my father's experimenting. And there isn't anything wrong with the old tech, what remains of it and still works."

I nodded, "I can see how that could be so. But … don't you think that fuel thing might very well be part of why they want to take you over to begin with?"

"I have considered it now that Uncle Rob and I have spoken. And I don't intend on it happening. I don't like that they are trying to manage me through Francine and the estate. I don't like that they consider me so weak that I could be manipulated like that without even a fight."

"Have … have you thought that is why they … er … encouraged you to make a match of it with Francine."

He wasn't happy that I'd brought it up. "Let's just say I've considered a great many things in the last couple of days and few to none of them have made me comfortable. Poor Francine, what a position to be in."

I swear I start feeling kindly towards him and then he acts like such a lunkhead. But I suppose a man in love has to be the worst sort of lunkhead there is and being the honest woman I am I suppose that had things turned out different having a man be a lunkhead over me might have been pleasurable.

"Francine is your business, not mine so as my Da used to say, skip to the chase."

"Hmmm," he said. "I assume you mean let's get back to business and I agree. And I wish I could leave Francine out of this and unaffected but the law prevents me. When I told you that all wives get an equal portion I meant that by law all wives MUST get an equal portion from their husband."

"I'm not your wife and you're not my …"

"In the eyes of the law I am."

Feeling mulish I said, "I never even said any vows."

He snorted, "Neither did I. It was all done by proxy. It can't be undone at this point. In the future we might be able to make some kind of arrangement but there is a large cost to it and the estate can't handle that nor would it help with the Lathrop issues."

"Oh."

"Oh," he mocked before shaking his head. "Sorry. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not your fault. Intellectually I know it isn't but … it will still take me some time to stop jumping to conclusions."

Feeling a little mollified I said, "Well at least you're being honest enough about it. Just don't chew on me when it pinches because I'm being honest right back when I say this is cutting at me more than taking my toe off did. That was a simple enough thing that I knew would soon be over and healing would begin. This feels like I'm going to be sawed on for the rest of eternity."

A troubled look met my words. I don't think he much cared for my analogy but I wasn't in the mood to care very much whether he did or not, it was the way I felt. And then he said, "Settlements are pieced out by law. I can give nothing to Francine that I do not give to you unless it involves the care and well-being of an heir."

"Well that's fair stupid."

He shrugged, "Don't blame me. The first generation of Kipling women are the ones who worked it out and wrote it in the stone of the laws and attached harsh penalties to go with it. I already have a hard enough time making sure there is enough coin for Francine after I've paid what is due to each of the estate's creditors. This is going to cut her portion in half."

I'd already heard that Francine spent more than she should but I wasn't going to take that up with him. "Why would I need anything?"

"You might not but Francine is used to finer things than what she has gotten here. Now she'll have even less."

I could see he was getting agitated and I told him, "Cor, I wouldn't even know what to do with coins. I've seen no place to spend them and I already have what I need. I know it takes a lot to care for a family … my Da never hid that we sometimes barely scraped by despite being one of the only smithies in a wide area. And you are trying to repair things leftover from …" I sighed. "Left over from before you were a grown man."

"You mean my father's debts."

"You said you didn't want to speak of him."

"No, I don't. But I'm not hiding from the truth either. And … and I appreciate that you … understand the situation and that I don't have to explain it all. I've tried to explain the seriousness to Francine but I don't believe she has the training to really understand what it means."

I didn't think she was that stupid and I begin to wonder if she isn't doing it a bit at a time to try and keep him in debt. I asked, "Wouldn't it be a fine joke on them if you took this half that you say I have to have by law and applied it to the debt to pay it off faster?"

He gave me a sharp look and I thought at first he was mad. Instead he asked, "You would honestly do that?"

I shrugged and then had to stop as it pulled at a sore muscle. "It just seems to me that the faster you get out from under them nasty bills the faster we can figure out the rest of what life is going to be like and can settle to it. It would also mean them Lathrops had less they could hold over your head … and therefore mine."

Carefully he said, "The law was meant to protect wives from that sort of thing."

"Protect them from having it done without their say so. What if I say so?"

He gave me a considering look. "It … it may not come to that. Let's just … not talk about it. Do you know how to handle coins?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well I won't eat them or shove them up my nose if that's what you're worried about."

"Fel, please don't make this any harder than it has to be. I can't assume …" He sighed and I felt a little bad.

"Yes Cor, I know how to handle coins though I suppose Kipling's coins will be different from those that were used in the Outlands. Gran was a bear about getting the best bargain at the markets and when I was a little girl she started having trouble with her bones so I went with her. For a woman who could neither read nor write she managed better than most with the merchants. She wasn't against paying a fair price for something but she would make your life a misery if you tried to cheat her."

"So you can handle coins. That's good. I have to leave letters of credit with the merchants because Francine was always misplacing what I would leave for her."

I had a nasty thought pop into my head but caught it before it could leave my lips. "What kind of coins do you have here?"

"Kipling uses silver ingots with a simple weight stamp on them for the most part though the council treasury keeps gold for the use of the settlement. Bars of lead and iron are also used though not in the same way silver coins are."

"There was some silver coins that crossed my Da's hand but most folks weighted out copper and gold in the market if they had it. We usually bartered. I know coins have their uses – sure is better than carrying around a sack of chickens or a bushel of corn – but they also can cause problems."

"They are the primary means of commerce at the markets."

"Well I don't need a letter or the coin, if there is something I need I'll make it for myself. I helped to feed and dress my sisters by hunting, and doing only for myself would be no great problem. Unless you're saying that I'm not allowed to hunt."

"I have no problem if you like to hunt. Aunt Winnie does … or did … and liked to see the fruits of her labor on the dinner able. That brings something up that Mrs. Wiley mentioned. I see you prefer hides; would you not like some cotton? It is cooler."

"Cotton costs. I used to have some linsey Woolsey things but they wore out. Leather wears better for what I need and doesn't tear so easy. Of course I see the women here don't dress the same, is that what you mean?"

An honest man he nodded. "Some but there's no need for you to get offended. I prefer leathers when I'm on a run but they do get hot and this year has been a scorcher and it has only now just turned May. How you could abide it in the Outlands year round is beyond me. The estate has several cotton fields and the rice you've seen in the pantry comes from our fields as well. It is one of the things that the ArKanses territory exports to other regions. We used to have to compete with Louseanne territory but after the Mississippi moved they haven't been able to keep it up as well."

"Da told me of the great earthquake that made that happen. He said whole cities disappeared under the mud leaving barely a trace behind. They just sunk like they'd been built on quicksand."

He nodded and said, "It happened when my grandfather was a boy; he wrote about it in his journal. And the river still hasn't corrected to where it once flowed. Which comes back to the fact that if you have no trouble taking your portion from the goods the estate sells …"

"And there is no way for me to get out of being beholden?"

He shook his head. "The law makes it so the estate is … er … 'beholden' to you, not the other way around."

"Well I don't see it like that. What would I be expected to do with … with this portion you expect me to take?"

"I would like you to take it so I can continue to give to Francine what she deserves as my wife." I wasn't even touching that one. "As for what you can do with it, I have no say. That is part of the law too."

"This law you keep talking about sounds loopy."

He gave a sarcastic chuckle. "You aren't the first to mention it but if I had to guess you would be the first woman to feel that way."

"Fine. Do what you must and let's get this over with."

"Very well, I'll draw up the papers. Next thing …"

"There's more?" I asked aggrieved that we couldn't leave the uncomfortable subject behind.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Chapter 16**_

"Yes. You need to let Jonah know what your preferences are for the cabin. The work will start as soon as supplies are pulled together."

I had been inside the little house just out of curiosity. "Mostly it just needs a good cleaning and some bedding. And some roof work along the eaves."

"And furniture and windows and the chimney repaired and …"

I shook my head. "The place was never meant to be a palace, don't try and turn it into one. If that aunt of Francine's is going to be here for a while I'm not going to turn my nose up at a place to hide out in."

He tried not to snicker but in the end he did. "I usually find urgent business that needs tending to someplace." He looked at me like he was surprised we'd been able to talk so long without coming to blows but then he sighed and got serious. "There are other things and if we don't work them out between us Muriel will work it out for us."

"What … what kind of things?" I asked suspiciously.

He got all stiff and stared off into the trees. "The nights I'm to spend with you and the nights I'm to spend with Francine."

I tried to stand up too quick and my leg gave out and I sat back down too hard on the bruise on my hip. I couldn't hide the pain no matter how I tried. Cor surprised me by asking briskly, "How badly are you hurt?"

Thinking a bit I said, "Sore enough that maybe you could tell this Muriel hag that my health prevents … er … her from getting into our business."

He wouldn't be put off. "Seriously Fel, neither of us might like it but you are my responsibility. Do you need a healer?"

"No!" Moderating my voice so it wasn't so sharp I said, "No. I'm fine, just bruised. But not so bruised I'd be willing to be toted like a sack of potatoes."

Unwilling to be put off with a bit of what he'd been laughing at early he said, "And you're sure. I could find a female healer …"

"I said I'm sure already. I've seen a healer only once in my life and that was because I got snake bit when I was a squirt just learning to toddle in the yard and there wasn't a thing he nor anyone else could do about it. I was either going to live or die by God's grace. I lived. End of story."

"Very well. Just … Fel, people will think … what they think. I cannot show you less … less favor than I would Francine."

"Francine's pale and frail. If you want a healer, send for one to deal with those sick headaches of hers. Personally if she would get out in the sun and fresh air more she wouldn't have so many of them."

"Winnie has told her the same thing as did Mary." And that was it. That was as close as he would come to admitting that Francine's headaches were of her own making … or her own making up.

He was quiet so long I finally had to ask, "Is that everything Cor? I'm about as full up of this stuff as I want to get. I'm … I'm gonna try and not blame you just like you are gonna try and not blame me but I'm on the edge here."

He sighed, "It isn't but I'll try and get the rest over with as fast as we can. Winnie said that you have to understand that as my wife you have some rights … and some claim on my time. If you need anything you need to know you can come to me. If people get wind that you're scared to …"

"I am NOT scared of YOU," I growled.

He looked at me and then snorted. "Yeah. You're like a bobcat … keeping to yourself and not interested in overlapping your territory, small but I wouldn't want to tangle with you when you're upset." Then he sat down on the bench for the first time. "I am not saying you ARE afraid of me, I am saying people might get that idea if they didn't see that we … that we …"

I thought I finally understood what he was trying to get at. "You mean that if we let people think that we're really … um … really married then we have to make sure they get the idea all the way through. That it isn't just about … uh …"

I'd never had trouble calling something what it was. Crudeness simply was with a Headman like we had around but somehow talking about things like that when I was alone with a man was a different story all of a sudden. Cor didn't exactly look like he was too comfortable with it either. I guess for him he was afraid it looked like he was being unfaithful, I'm not sure what he thought about me having the problem.

Finally I rolled my eyes while he just sat there with his arms crossed getting angry. "This is stupid. Let's just be done with it. We know what we are going to let people think. We know why we are going to let them think it. What they have to think is that it isn't just about the time you spend with me that you don't spend with Francine but about the whole enchilada."

"What's an enchilada?"

I snorted, "I take it you have not been to the Outlands too much."

"Not the part you're from. I've been around the Northern Outlands but not the Southern Outlands."

"I'll make you one some time, they're good. A Mexi woman taught my Ma and it turned out that Da liked them pretty well. They gave Gramp indigestion if they were too spicy though.

"Er … OK."

"I just mean that we can't just let people think what they want to think, we have to … uh … guide what they think with play acting sometimes."

He relaxed. "Yes, that's what I mean. I … Look Fel. I know you think you've seen the world and experienced it all, and maybe you have had to live through some bad experiences … but you're still pretty young. All of this … this playacting acting might be necessary but it still turns my stomache. I just don't want you to get any idea that … that …"

Surprised I asked, "Are you trying to be nice?"

"Huh?"

"You are aren't you? You honestly don't want me to start believing that the play acting is real. Huh. Who would have thought it?"

Now really offended he asked, "Is it so hard to believe that I would want to avoid seeing you hurt?!"

"Wellll," I said giving it some thought. "I suppose not. But why would you think that I would ever start believing such a fairy story like that? All you do is go around with a long face telling me how much you loooove your Francine and how much trouble this is going to cause her and how you'll never be unfaithful to her, how you don't want to see her hurt, and all sorts of other sickly sweet clap trap. I would have to be stupid or a fool to listen to all that and turn right around and ignore it. Best we can hope for is … well, I don't have nothing to hope for in that department. It is what it is. That's my life but I am not crazy enough to make it worse by snorting the amount of dream powder it would take to believe that there could ever be anything like what you are trying not to talk about between us."

He looked relieved which didn't do much for my ego but at the same time told me just how right I was. "Well, at least that is out of the way. You have to understand I just don't want to see you hurt either. You're so young."

"And you're as old as Methuselah's training pants I suppose." I shook my head. "I'm not stupid you know. Just because I'm from the Outlands doesn't mean that I'm a complete know-nothing. I had to decide whether I was going to live in daydreams or if I was going to survive in the real world. I picked the real world. It might not be so rosy and pretty but it lasts a lot longer … sometimes more's the pity."

When he sat there looking like he was trying to figure out how he was supposed to feel about that I asked, "Are we finished NOW?"

He nodded. "As long as we've got that straight."

"Any straighter and it could be used as a plumb line. I'm going back to the … Oomph."

I had tried to stand up but relearned the hard way that when you've gotten banged around you need to move slow after you've been sitting for a while.

"Are you all right?"

I mumbled, "If you so much as think about calling Jonah or potatoes or anything close you're going to be awful sorry."


	17. Chapter 17

_**Chapter 17**_

Getting back to the main house wasn't pleasant but I did it … and not over anyone's shoulder either. I was moving as slow as my old Gran had there at the end but it was under my own power and I wasn't leaning on Cor even if he said I could. "No thanks. I might have to let people think I'm a ninny for putting up with this other mess without complaint but when it is just the two of us I'm going to exercise my pride as much as I feel like."

"Prickle Burr."

"Maybe … but I can't see you leaning on me if we traded shoes."

Moving slow also gave us a few more minutes to take care of one last thing. We agreed that our "arrangement" was between the two of us and that's it. We weren't even going to tell the Captain or Winnie. They wanted so badly for this mess to turn out for the best we figured they wouldn't be able to keep from meddling when they saw how we felt about certain parts of it.

I was relieved on the one hand and uncomfortable on the other. I didn't want to lie to them – they'd both of them treated me fair from the very beginning when they really had no reason to – but at the same time I had a feeling that they just wouldn't be able to not show how disappointed they were that "good intentions" failed again. They'd get to feeling guilty and give something away.

I didn't have too long to think on it though as the next few days were very full. First off Mrs. Wiley and I learned how to work together. It wasn't as hard as it could have been. She wasn't like my sisters; she was a little territorial in the kitchen but mostly because she didn't think it was "seemly" for me to be working there all the time for some reason. I put it down to the same strange starts that Jonah would have about me working in the gardens. Both were a little silly considering I was capable and experienced but Winnie told me that I was to let it be, that they might be worried we didn't need them if they didn't do their work and they both needed the job. I butted out but I always made sure that Mrs. Wiley knew that I would do my fair share and I was always around with two extra hands when she needed it.

Her taking over the kitchen didn't leave as much empty time on my hands as I thought it would because of other stuff starting with Jonah taking his job of "rejuvenating" the cabin seriously. That took up almost a half a day and a piece of one every day after that as he insisted I come and have some say over every little thing it seemed. I was worried about all the work that Jonah seemed to be planning until he said, "It's all right Gilly. Everything will come from Corman land and no out of Young Cor's coin bag except fer the new roof shakes. But even that there's OK because them Filburtons owe fer some help rebuilding their barn after the main beam gave way in a storm and their boy is a dab hand at making good ones; and fast too. And Young Cor has said yers ter have the pick o' the house fer furniture." When I opened my mouth to object he said, "I know Gilly, most o' that stuff in the big house be too fancy but there's some good, sturdy pieces stored in the old assayer's office yer likely ain't seen."

"What is an ... that word you used and why would it need an office?"

He shook his head. "An assayer isn't a what so much as a who. It is a man what's got the job of measuring and weighing silver, iron, lead and the like. The Corman estates has some mines but most have been played out. Still get a little bit come in here and there but Young Cor uses the assayer up to the fort for the valuation of it."

When I wasn't doing what Jonah asked of me I was writing notes to all of my sisters. I was going to send them all to Docia and hope that she was able to pass them along. I figured that with her living with the folks she did that she more than even perhaps Daphne would be able to keep track of where everyone was and perhaps be able to pass things back and forth.

And not that I wasn't really glad to write to my sisters but it was the first excuse that came to my mind to escape from Muriel Lathrop and her all seeing eye. But that was later after that first day.

The morning she arrived there was a fog that didn't seem to want to lift. Francine had us all dressed and waiting like some kind of royalty was about to visit. Winnie and the Captain got out of it because of her condition. Some of the men took off at a run when they heard the woman was coming which gave me some idea that her reputation was known and what I feared of her was probably close to truth. Those men that hadn't been smart enough to escape early were lending Cor their support I suppose but good Lord they all looked about as happy as if they were heading to an appointment with the tooth puller.

"Fel … Dear … are you sure you wouldn't like to borrow one of my blouses?"

Trying real hard not to roll my eyes I told her, "Francine you've asked me that about ten times now. I'm sure a woman of your aunt's … er … stature is well aware that I come from the Outlands. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm trying to pull anything over on her. I'm pretty sure she'd see right through it."

I might not have rolled my eyes but I caught Cor doing it after he heard my excuse of why I absolutely refused to wear that silly, frilly looking excuse for a piece of clothing called a shirt that Francine expected me to put on for ol' Muriel. That didn't even cover the fact that I'd have to stuff the thing full of apples just to keep it from gapping open at the top and showing what little bit I had to the world. Francine might have given the impression that a good stiff breeze would knock her over but that didn't mean that she wasn't built with more cushion than I was … quite a bit more cushion in that department. We were about the same on the other end but I had an idea that hers would spread as the years went by if she didn't get up off of it more so I wasn't too put out.

Finally, we all heard the creaks and clomps and rattles that precede a wagon – or in this case a carriage – and out of the fog she finally came. Oh glory when first one woman then two and then … for a moment I lost count … it was like being bore down on by a heard of buffalo. I was sorely tempted to run for the nearest tree to avoid the stampede. Seems like as a surprise not only Muriel had come but several other aunts and cousins. I wasn't the only one that looked like they'd like to get out of the way; Cor's eyes widened in near panic and I swear I saw horror written across the faces of some of the other men.

What got to me is how Francine burst into tears and all but fell in their arms. You would think she hadn't seen them in a month of Sunday's but I knew for a fact it had been less than two months as she had been visiting them when I had originally been taken into Kipling. Then she has to make everything that much worse when she stops, draws a breath and then dramatically announces, "Aunt Muriel, he finally did it … he took a second wife." Then she falls into this kind of faint thing and I didn't know whether to puke or howl with laughter.

Of course Cor, the big lunkhead, swoops in like the hero in one of those nauseating stories I used to read my sisters and picks the ninny up and carts her upstairs in his arms. She's all pale and her hair is artfully curled and falling down his arms and her bosom all but tipping out and I would give another body part to know just how she rigged that to happen and have it look like a story book picture rather than just plain silly. Had I tried to pull something off like that I would have looked like a sack of sticks with a horsetail; probably would have drawn flies before someone got around to picking me up and hauling me off someplace … and it wouldn't have been a soft feather bed if I don't miss my guess.

And not only did she have her little dramatic scene but when the other men took high tail it out of there it left me to deal with eight of the most terrifying females I've ever had the misfortune to meet. The women from the Lakesider tribe had nothing on these behemoths. And when they all turned to look at me I was wondering if I was the appetizer or the main course.

Then my wicked side rose to the surface as it sometimes did when I was under duress … and not so under duress if I'm honest … and I said, "Well, that was predictable. Francine has worked herself into another one of her sick headaches. I suggest we leave her to Cor. He'll tuck her up and one of those long quiet naps she's so fond of will fix her right up. I'm sure you ladies must be parched. If you'd care to come along I'll make sure that you're taken care of since it seems to be beyond Francine at the moment."

I set them all in what Winnie had told me was called the parlor. I could tell I was not at all what they expected and I was going to keep it that way. The more on their heads I could keep them the less likely they would be able to work whatever mischief they were out to make. Right now about half of them looked like they smelled something that came in on the bottom of somebody's shoe and the other half were trying to look friendly and failing miserably at it.

"If you ladies would excuse me just one moment I'll be right back. There's a fair breeze that comes through this window – assuming there is any breeze to be had of course – so hopefully you'll feel a little cooler."

I barreled into the kitchen and Mrs. Wiley asks, "They have you hopping already Gilly?"

"Uh … uh no. Um, you didn't happen to move … ah, there it is."

She stopped kneading the bread she had her hands buried in and then slowly looked up at me and said, "Gilly …" like my ol Gran would sometimes say when she suspected I was about to get up to something. Mrs. Wiley just shook her head and then went back to kneading the bread and I made my escape with what I had come for.

I had originally meant to make this for Cor and his men friends. The previous afternoon they'd hauled a bedstead from the assayer's office to the cabin and even helped to set it up. Despite a few comments that turned Cor's ears pink and turned my eyes inside out trying to find any place to look but at them, they were good natured enough and didn't complain. I figured they deserved a treat and on top of that they were getting cooped up in the house when I knew every one of them would have been out for a gallop given have a chance.

I'd found the bottle when I had done all the cleaning in the cellar. I'd also found the jug of dried staghorn berries down there as well. It had immediately brought to mind something my Gramp would do every now and again when he got a bottle. I had made a batch of staghorn tea early that morning and then had set it to cool in a bucket of well water down in the cellar. The bottle was given the same treatment.

I remember when I found the bottle – along with the others of its kind – and had asked Jonah what it was. "Gilly, that there is rice lightening."

"What?"

"Don't yer worry about it none. I best not ever catch yer drinking that stuff. It'll turn yer tip over tail in no time."

"You mean it is liquor made out of rice? Like mescal is made out of agave?"

He shook his head. "Not sure what mescal or that agave yers talking about is but like I said, better not catch yer drinking this stuff. This is a man's drink and is meant to put hair on yer chest."

My Gramp used to take staghorn tea and lace it with mescal and make what he called "hard lemonade." My Da said it wasn't really lemonade but I wouldn't know as I have never seen a real lemon much less tasted one. All I know is if Gramp had a glass or two of that mix of his, he slept really well. I was just going to give the Lathrop ladies a drop … or two … because they were bound to enjoy a nice long nap after the harrowing trip they must have experienced.

I took the tea pot and dumped the cool tea in and then tipped the bottle of rice lightening over in it so that some good sized splashes thinned the tea out a bit … or more than a bit if you were wanting to be exact. I took the tea service that Francine had cleaned up and took it and put that on a tray and away I went.

As soon as I walked in the door I found Cor being grilled. One old gudgeon was saying, "You really must let us send some help to you Cor. It wouldn't be a problem. Consider it a late wedding present."

"That's all right Aunt Beulah, really. You know how I feel about such things. The Corman estates will stand on their own."

Another biddy that looked like she sucked unripe persimmons to improve her disposition intoned, "Pride goeth before a fall."

When he heard someone enter he turned quick in a flash like he was hoping to be rescued. Putting on my most eager to please face I said, "I am just so sorry I wasn't quicker. I'm still learning all of these new things here at Cor's home. I know if Francine was herself she'd be here to take care of you but since she isn't please allow me to offer you some refreshments."

I got a suspicious look from Cor but he was knocked off track when the head buffalo caught him a good one in the ribs with her elbow and said, "Cor dear, aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Uh … well … that is … Hmmmm." He stopped and cleared his throat looking like he'd rather be roasting on an open spit than doing what he'd been asked to do. "Aunt Muriel, may I present Fel … er …" I nearly snickered. He'd just realized he didn't even know my Da's surname.

"Fel … such an … unusual name."

I would not have my goat gotten so easy. If they wanted to pick at me they'd need to sharpen their claws a little more. "My Da named me. Seems a lot of women in his family are called that including a sister and an aunt and his grandmother before that. Fel McConnell at your service ladies," I said with a flourish as I handed dainty tea cups around. "I'm sure the trip must have been a taxing one but could you please, oh please tell me about it. There is still so much for me to learn and ladies such as yourselves I'm sure have a lot to teach. How did you dare travel so far alone? When the Captain … that would be Captain Uhl … brought me here we traveled with a large troop of men and it was ever such a rough trip; there were pirates and bandits and rough men, oh my."

Aunt Muriel had just taken her first sip of the "tea" when she said, "Oh, what an … an unusual flavor. Quite tart, yet sweet."

"I set it cooling early this morning. I knew the heat would be horrendous and wanted to make sure you had something proper to greet you. Francine was so antsy that I feared she might do herself some damage so I thought to try and alleviate at least some of her burden."

All this time I could feel Cor staring at me hard enough to poke holes but I could not look at him for fear of giving the game up and laughing myself silly. Finally I'd seen that the aunts were ready for their second cuppa and I added to the fun. I had refilled everyone's and then blinked hard and heavy at the tray. "Oh … oh dear. Cor I'm … I'm so sorry. You must think I'm the silliest thing with feathers where my brain should be and no manners at all. Next time you'd best say something even if it leaves me in for an embarrassment; mayhap then I' won't forget."

"Huh?" I think he thought I'd lost my marbles.

Finally turning to him but not really looking him in the eyes I said, "I forgot all about your cup. Here you go."

I didn't give him a chance to do anything but take the cup from me that I nearly shoved into his chest. He raised the dainty thing to his lips and when he finally registered the taste of what he was drinking he set his cup back onto the saucer in such a way that I had to turn back to the ladies or it would have been all over right then.

Four cups and then finally I was able to lead them all sloshing up to their rooms. It wasn't a very straight line mind you. They were already weaving a bit. Then once in their rooms I was oh so pleased to help them get comfortable and that they really should rest after such a strenuous adventure as they must have had. A couple of them were snoring before I left their rooms and then I returned to the parlor to clean up the mess.

The Captain had joined Cor and I caught them peering down into the tea pot. They both looked up as I entered the room. "What are you doing just standing around. I doubt we'll see them again before supper. Far be it from me to make suggestions but now might be a good time to get Jonah to go see what he can find out from their wagon driver and perhaps you Captain could speak with their outriders on pretext of hearing if they had any problems at all. Cor you might want to see if Francine would like a bit of this tea to calm her nerves. It certainly appears to have loosened her aunts up a bit.

I had gathered everything up and was going back to the kitchen when Cor caught up with me and grabbed the teapot and peered inside it again. "I didn't poison them you know."

He gave me a suspicious look.

"You drank it too."

His suspicious look got deeper and I decided to battle it with an innocent look in return.

He asked, "What is it?"

"Oh this? Tea."

"That is not just tea."

I shook my head and said, "Of course it is tea, but I never said it was just tea."

Smiling I continued on to the kitchen, sat the tea pot down and was going to wash it but Mrs. Wiley said, "Leave it be Gilly. No sense in good drink going to waste. Jonah will want a spot of it I'm sure. Just set it in the cellar so it stays cool."

"Yes Mrs. Wiley."

I was going to make my escape but she caught me as I was leaving and said, "You'll get away with that this time but you'll have to come up with something else for next."

I gave her a bear got the honeypot look and said, "Oh I will."


	18. Chapter 18

_**Chapter 18**_

"Being allies does not mean you make my life harder than you already have!"

I slapped a mosquito that was out here in the twilight and then in a reasonable voice I told Cor, "If you wanted to talk here at the cabin so other people wouldn't overhear us then I suggest shouting loud enough to be heard in the Outlands is not going to accomplish your goal." Cor looked like he had been through a real pile on. The sleeves of his cotton shirt were rolled up to his elbows but unevenly, his leather vest was all askew, the tail of the shirt was half in and half out, and his hair looked like he'd been struck by lightning. There were also some pink splotches where none belonged.

Sighing I asked, "Francine really pulled out the waterworks huh?"

"What?" Then looking suspiciously at me he said, "How did you know? Is that what you were going after?"

"No, I wasn't going after Francine you lunk, she's nowhere up to my weight in this fight no matter what her aunts might think … and from what I've seen so far neither are they. It's just that her coloring pots are all over your front."

He looked down and then starting wiping at them. Snarling at me he said, "Look what you've done. If this is how you behaved no wonder you had to worry about men where you are from beating you."

He knew immediately he'd crossed the line; my body language must have been screaming it even if I wasn't. "Wait! Dammit! That came out wrong I didn't mean literally …" More quietly he said, "Damn Fel … don't look like that … I'd never …" Then he fell silent as a lot of the fight just went out of him. After a moment of both of us trying to jigger around, me looking for a way to escape that wouldn't cause me to break my neck in the dark and him trying to be careful not to set me off in a run but making sure that if I did his much longer legs would catch me before I got too far, he admitted, "That was uncalled for. I told you sometimes my anger caused the words coming out of my mouth to get ahead of my brain. This … this is one of those times. I … I didn't mean it."

He sounded ashamed. I shouldn't have let him off but I suppose everyone deserves at least one second chance. I'd been given a few and it was time to pay it forward. Still I told him quietly, "You did mean it … you just don't understand what your words really mean. For all you are a grown man Cor with more years than me – though not as many as you act - for all you've been all over the place and have lots of experience with both the good and the bad life can throw at you, you've never had to live like I have. You've never been that far down the pecking order. You've always been someone special, someone people want to know or be able to say that they are friends with the heir of the Corman family. You meant what you said … but this time I'll also accept that you didn't mean for it to come out of your mouth."

"Fel …"

He reached out with his hand out palm up for I don't know what reason but I wasn't biting. I backed up and he sighed, shook his head, and then dropped the hand slowly. He turned away and then said quietly, "Why would you do something so … so … hare brained? They had barely gotten in the door and you got them drunk?! They missed lunch and then when they didn't come to check on her like she expected Francine went to look for them. At first she just thought they were exhausted from their journey but when they finally woke for dinner all bleary eyed and they all figured out …" He shook his head again. "Then the way you acted all through dinner. They couldn't tell whether you were having a joke on them or not. First you'd act cool as a cucumber and then you would act feather headed. Francine was hoping for an evening of entertainment and company and instead your hijinks sent them all to bed early to finish recovering. Even I was getting a headache trying to keep up with your nonsense. Then when I wanted Francine and I to … er … retire a little early for the evening since it would be the last chance for a while we wind up in a fight because she said that you are spoiling everything."

I said, "I hope you reminded her that I wasn't your choice, that it was her own doing that brought this situation on."

Frustrated he banged his fist on the side of the cabin and said, "That's what started the fight. Francine and I never fight. I've never seen her this upset. She was being completely illogical. First she said she hadn't wanted this second wife business at all which is a fairadiddle because she most certainly did; she even mentioned it when we were honeymooning. Then she said you were my fault and I reminded her I hadn't even known about you until I got back from my run down to the Southern Region and I was expected to just accept it all without a fuss because all the proxy paperwork had already been filed and approved by the Council. Then she tried to make it out like the council was doing this and I reminded her that her family was part of the necessary unanimous vote on all proxy marriages. I also told her that I'd heard nothing but this second wife business being what she needed to be able to handle the 'less than optimal' conditions she faced here on the estate. Then she really blew up and said I was trying to blame her aunts for this whole mess when all they wanted what was best for her and she went back to blaming you. Then I …"

"You what?" I prompted since he seemed to need to bleed off some of his shock from his sweet little Francine finally showing that she had some teeth and claws to her.

He hunched his shoulders and said, "Then I asked her if she was up to helping around the house yet or not since supposedly that is what this whole second wife business was supposed to do, ease her burdens."

"What did she say to that?" I asked pretty surprised that he'd actually been angry enough to let it slip out.

"She said that I had only married her to have a housekeeper and the stress and strain of it all was why she hadn't … hadn't …"

"Hadn't?"

"It's her aunts you see." I didn't see so I kept my mouth shut and waited a bit until he finally said, "They keep bringing up the fact that she isn't … isn't … er … pregnant yet. Normally by now – though they've been more … er … distracted than they normally are - they are complaining that I travel too much and poor Francine isn't receiving the … er … attention that is her due and that I should have been able to … er … provide her some … er … comfort by now."

I snorted in disbelief. "From the way you make things out to be you and Francine don't have any problems in the … er … comfort department."

Outraged he stood back up and snapped, "We don't!"

In a calming voice I told him, "Then Francine will get caught when she gets caught. For some it happens the first time and for others it takes a while is all. Fretting about it isn't going to make it happen any sooner and might actually make it worse."

"That's what Winnie has said."

I nodded even if he could see me in the dark. "And Winnie is full of good sense. Besides, given what she has had to go through with babes she ought to know … she and the Captain both."

His only answer was a noncommittal, "Hmmmm."

"Now that you've got that off your chest what say you go back to the house and get some rest since you intend to be off to the fort tomorrow."

"I will as soon as you explain what kind of game you are playing."

I figured if he wasn't seeing it that I had no choice but to explain it to him. "Remember how you said you couldn't even guess how I was going to act from one minute to the next?"

"That's not exactly what I said. I said you were acting hare brained."

I could hear a bit of relief in his voice that I wasn't holding onto a grudge from what he said which I suppose I should count as a good thing. I was learning that Cor could roar and be nasty about it but that he wasn't fond of that part of himself and felt bad afterwards; probably leftover Da issues where he didn't want to turn out like his old man had done. Not wanting to be forced to manage him but suspecting that I would have to on occasion I decided to use a bit of humor right to put him more at ease. "Good eye 'cause that was the effect I was going after. Reckon you've hunted a few hares have you?"

"A few," he agreed.

"Ever watched them evading something that was out to eat them? How they seem to move this way and that so that they are always as many jumps ahead of what is after them as possible?"

He snorted in the dark and said, "And I've seen a few bloody carcasses where the strategy didn't work."

"Oh well, nothing in life works every single time. They missed my cotton tail this 'un." I heard him swallow a chuckle and I finished by saying, "It worked this time Cor because they weren't expecting it. They had some idea that I was just some dirty, uneducated Outland femaleHH

. I can guess exactly what they thought they were going to do."

"What's that?"

"They were going to show up like a bunch of fairy godmothers and by the time they were done turning me from Cinderella into a princess I'd be so grateful and so in their pocket that I'd be the perfect tool for whatever use they put me to. They still think they can but Da didn't raise me to be a fool for man nor woman. If this is the best the Lathrops have to offer then we'll have no troubles."

Finally thinking and being serious rather than furious Cor said almost to himself, "So Uncle Rob is right, the Lathrops really do mean to try and add the Corman family to their side of the equation. I still don't believe that Francine understands what it all means but her aunts surely must." Turning more directly to me he added, "But a word of warning Fel, it isn't really these women that we need to worry about but the heads of the family on the Council. And not just the heads of the Lathrop family. If they truly are trying to build a coalition and had enough power to force a proxy marriage on me while I wasn't even around to defend myself from it, then it has to be more than just one family in on this. The Lathrops provide most of the fuel for the settlement and have quite a bit of old tech still in working order that they will lend out … at a cost and not always of coins. Their currency includes favors and influence as well."

"And you married into this family? Willingly?"

Quietly he said, "Not everyone in the family is like that. There are some good people there that treated the young boy I was with a great deal of care and kindness. Francine's mother was a gentle soul, even more fragile than Francine is. She died when Francine was barely into her teens. Her father is a good man even if he and I don't see eye to eye on the issue of multiple marriages. He works his fingers to the bone to provide for all of his wives and children equally and fairly."

Just as quietly I said, "I never said they were demons from a hot zone. But what they want to do is wrong even if, in their eyes, they have the best of intentions. And the way they are going about having their way is even more wrong. Realizing they would do this to you, doesn't it make you question everything else you thought you knew about them as well?"

It was obvious he wasn't ready to go that far with it when he said, "There has to be something salvageable from this mess. The Lathrops and Cormans have been friends for generations. Both of our estates have too much to offer the other. Some of the rice straw that is leftover from our harvest time goes towards their biofuel production. We also have the largest paper mill in Kipling where we turn some of the rice straw into paper rather than clear cutting the forest like they did in the old days and because we do it they don't have to; they're estate is much more barren of trees than ours being almost exclusively devoted to silage crops for the biofuel production. The rice and cotton we produce gets traded directly for biofuel, and in fact we are one of the larger contractors because of the size of our fields that require farm machinery to keep in production. The only thing that separates our estates is the ridge you can see to the north and the independent farms that exist between here and there. We've lived in harmony since the Dark Days. I can't understand why they would seek to change things and certainly not like this."

"Who knows why people do what they do? All we know is that they are doing it and it's up to us to stop it since no one else seems interested in doing so."

"Uncle Rob says we have allies on the Council so we aren't completely alone."

"And those others don't seem too willing to put their own neck on the chopping block yet."

He sighed and then admitted, "True."

"Cor my ways might not be your ways but that don't mean I'm using them for anything other than your benefit … and in the process mine. If they don't know me, aren't sure of me, then they won't know exactly how to handle or manage me. And if they can't do that then they won't be able to manipulate me as easily. I'm not saying they won't still do it, but they'll have to work harder and take longer to do it and that will give us time to create a counter strategy."

There was a little bite of cynicism and disbelief to his words when Cor asked me, "And what would you know about strategy?"

Trying to remember that most people didn't expect Outlanders to have too much intelligence above a sand lizard and not get offended by it, "Da said it was the bread and butter of his folks. He just didn't want the life they had planned for him until he'd gotten out and experienced a little of life on his own terms. His own terms just kind of led him down an unexpected path. Just because he didn't use it the way his people did didn't mean that he wasn't good at it and that he didn't teach those same lessons to me."

"Is your name really Fel McConnell? Uncle Rob didn't seem to believe that it was when I explained what had happened to Francine's aunts."

I said a little snappy because I disliked being thought a liar, "Well if he doesn't believe me he can come ask me himself. That's the name my Da gave me and my Ma agreed to. If he doesn't like it that's just too bad."

"No need to get bent out of shape Fel. It's an honest question."

"How would you like it if someone asked if your name was really Corman?"

"Point taken … Prickle Burr."

He seemed to be making that a sort of nickname for me. I'd never really had one before … at least not one that you'd hear in polite company though the Headman had been fond of calling me a few things on a regular basis. Da and the rest of the family had just always called me Fel.

Cor shook himself like he was getting rid of the last of whatever was riding him and said, "Let's go back to the house, I still have a few things to take care of with Uncle Rob so that I can leave tomorrow. Do you have those letters written you wanted to send?"

"Yes. I've given them to the Captain already. He said he'd put them in with the packets you were carrying. But I'm not going back to the house."

"Fel, it isn't safe wandering around in the dark on a nearly moonless night like tonight."

"I can see better than you think but I don't plan on wandering around. I'm staying here at the cabin."

"What?! It's not even finished."

I told him, "It's more finished than the place I used to live."

He tried a different tact. "There's no bar on the door yet."

It met with the same result. "And all we had was a hide to cover the doorway into the long house and that didn't keep the wind out much less anything more substantial. Stop fussing Cor. The plan was for me to move here so that Francine could have the house. What is the sense in putting that off? Especially now that her aunts are visiting? They'll see that she isn't being … what did the Captain call it … oh yeah … they'll see she isn't being disenfranchised and that you still hold her in high esteem and aren't more interested in your new toy."

He squeaked, "Of course I'm not!"

I chuckled at his predictable reaction. "You know it obviously, and I'm smart enough to know it. I'm still not sure exactly what the Lathrops mean for me to be within their plans, but this way I'm not quite so close and underfoot and can maybe get a better idea of it. Let's see what they make of it while you're gone. Look, just go make up with Francine … you know that is what you want to do. Leave me to live my life the best I can. It is what we agreed to."

There was a little grumbling on his part but not much. He really did want to make up with Francine.

isH


	19. Chapter 19

_**Chapter 19**_

This week started out … anticlimactic. I could have called it a lot of things but that is the word that describes it best. I was ready for a fight or challenge but I wasn't given one which left me a little disappointed I admit, especially as I was looking for a brangle to get into.

Cor did leave to go to the fort as planned but I don't think he got any making up from Francine. He looked like a thundercloud was riding his shoulders; angry and trying not to show it but doing a poor job of it. Francine was all stiff but trying to act cut up at the same time. I could have told her that was the worst way to handle a man with a hot temper but she probably would have played sad or dumb and told me that I didn't know what I was talking about or that I just didn't understand. Cor slammed his hat on his head and rode away with most of the men that had been hanging around – the rest having departed going to their other destinations earlier in the day – without a word to anyone after Francine wouldn't even look at him properly. Not that I personally expected a word from him but at the same time I would have liked to have told him I planned on giving them a couple of lumps for him.

What made me a little angry was to watch Francine drift into the house acting all pathetic and tragic but then within the hour she was all bright and happy with her aunts. I wanted a target for my anger and was coming up with plots but I never got the chance to implement them because it was like I didn't exist. Well, not that exactly but they would stare at me blankly for the most part if they couldn't ignore me.

For a few days this continued and even the Captain was getting a little bent out of shape about it. He asked me to come with him and visit for a spell with Winnie. While we were up there in the rooms they shared the Captain and I explained what was going on and at first I thought Winnie was having a fit of some kind.

She was hunched over going, "Ow. Ow. Oh … don't."

The Captain and I both jumped up to see what we could do for her but then she leaned back and we could see she was holding her stomach and laughing of all things.

A little shocked the Captain asks, "Winnie?! My dear, are you …"

"Oh, I … I'm sorry," she finally sputtered. "I didn't mean to worry you but I would have given a lot to see what you described and then be a fly on the wall when neither one of you reacted the way they are obviously expecting you to."

"Huh? Winnie," I said. "Are you sure you aren't suffering from heat exhaustion or something? Maybe a cool bath would help."

That set her off for a moment again. "Oh my Dears … you are both … oh …" She finally stopped chuckling again and explained, "They are giving you the silent treatment."

I had a hard time believing that. "The silent treatment?! You're joking. They just about talk the color off the walls and you call that silent?"

Well that set her off again and the Captain must have finally understood because he was getting a laugh out of it as well. I wasn't. I still didn't get it.

Trying to explain Winnie said, "Fel this is their way of showing they disapprove of you in some way. They are … hmmm, what's the best word … well, to put it bluntly my Dear they are being deliberately discourteous as a form of punishment."

I just looked at her and then said, "Their adobe is over-baked if they think that is going to work with me. The more they ignore me the happier I'll be. What, did they think I was going to suck up to them or something to get them to pay some attention to me?"

Winnie smiled and said, "Let's just say they have a rather high opinion of themselves and are rather more used to managing girls like Francine than Outland girls. Peer pressure can be a powerful thing. What they do not understand is that you do not consider them your peers and therefore could care less what they think." Wiping her eyes she added, "The Captain told me of your suspicions as far as what they intended. The Cinderella effect sounds exactly like something they would do; it would leave them looking and feeling like benefactors rather than the manipulators they in reality are striving to be." After a brief hesitation and in a sad voice she told me, "I must admit that I am a bit disappointed in how she and Cor were unable to settle things before he left for the fort. It is unwise to separate in such a fashion. The Captain and I are very careful to never close our eyes for the evening while there is a problem between us and certainly never part on such terms. One never knows if the last time you say good bye to someone is the last time you'll ever get to say good bye to them." She shuddered and suddenly seemed depressed.

Alarmed and trying to figure out some way to make her feel better I said, "Winnie why don't you and the Captain have a nice private dinner up here. I'll arrange it and you can have some quiet time together. What say you Captain? I'll make your excuses to Francine. She won't think it unusual."

The Captain, looking more than a little relieved to get out of being the only male at a table full of females said, "I do believe Winnie would be better for some company. Make our excuses to the ol' … er … just give Francine my apologies."

I did better than that. I found Francine and the buffalo heard in the parlor and told her, "The Captain sends his apologies as he needs to remain with Winnie for the evening."

It wasn't Francine that answered however as it appeared that she had abdicated her position of authority in favor of her Aunt Muriel. "Should a healer be sent for? Or perhaps a midwife," she asked with high interest.

"No ma'am, she be fine … just tired like and needing the comfort of her husband with her time so near."

When she didn't respond with more than a regal bob of her head I said, "And begging your pardon but I expect having me in the middle of yore gatherin's has interfered with yore time together. I'll be taking my supper in the kitchen with Mrs. Wiley after I put everything on the long table in the dining hall so that the lot of you ladies can have some quality family time." I said the last phrased like it was something I had memorized based on what someone else had told me.

One of the others, a woman named Hazel who was quite handsome when she wasn't staring down her nose at you, said, "It is called a buffet."

"Yes'm. A boo-fay. I'll remember that 'un."

A twitter from around the room from everyone but Francine that was looking at me strangely was followed by Hazel saying graciously, "Close enough."

As I left the room I could hear a confused Francine tell her aunts, "You must really overwhelm her. She isn't normally this bad. I mean she's very … mmmm … rustic, but usually she tries harder than this."

Francine hasn't figured my game out yet but she is certainly less stupid than she's given credit for being. I'll have to watch how thick I lay it on from here on out.

With that excuse firmly in place I went to tell Mrs. Wiley of the change. "But don't worry, I'll do the fetching and carrying."

She shook her head. "The boys can bring the dishes in from the dining hall but yer'd best handle the breakables for the Captain and his missus. I don't trust them mischief makers on the stairs. I can see them tumbling down and breaking both the dishes and their heads."

I asked if she wanted me to help and she said, "No, everything is under control. I've got the boys on the porch peeling taters now. But you's best go find Jonah. Him was around looking for yers earlier and hims got some bee in his bonnet about somethin'."

I found him out in one of the larger gardens stringing netting over several beds and some trees and some bushes. "Jonah, Mrs. Wiley said you wanted to see me."

He wiped his face with an old square of cloth and then nodded. "That I did Gilly. Strawberries are in and what do yer mean ter do with them? Lookin' like a bumper crop this year."

I looked at him blankly. "What do you mean what do I mean to do with them?"

"Well, someone needs to decide what's ter do with 'em."

Suspiciously I asked, "Who normally decides what to do with them?"

Innocently he says, "The lady of the house only Miss Francie never has given much care to anything like this. I do hate ter see it all go ter waste again this year. It's like picking money out a Young Cor's coin bag."

I crossed my arms and said, "Jonah, I only have a vague idea what a strawberry is. I mean I've seen them in books and my Da told me about them, but …"

"Well that's soon fixed," he said and before I could do much more than jump he'd stuffed one in my mouth. It's hard to explain how something tastes when you don't have anything to compare it to but all I knew is that I fell in love right then and there.

"Oh," I said quietly. My mouth was so full of juice and spit it just about leaked out of the corners of my mouth but I wasn't letting any of it escape it was just that good.

Looking at the large round and tiered beds I couldn't believe how many red berries I was seeing. I would have started to graze like a cow if something hadn't struck me as strange. "Jonah, are you telling me that this all goes to waste every year but you plant a new crop anyway?"

"Aw, well as ter that, I'm not saying they alls go ter waste zactly. Mary used ter call a couple of women up from the village when Miss Winnie gives her the say so but Mary's not here and Miss Winnie ain't in no fit condition to be worrying at it."

I just looked at him and realized he was trying to get me to do something again. "Jonah, if you want me to do something then just say so. I trust you."

And I did but when I said it I suppose I surprised us both. His face lit with pleasure and he said, "Well then Gilly, if it was me I'd be making plans because we's gonna have problems shortly if someone don't."

"What … what kind of plans?"

"Well¸ doing all that cleaning and women's work in the main house was needed, no doubt, but this here estate be more than jus' a house. And there be more than just cleaning ter keep up with everything. And feedin' people means more than jus' cookin'. That foods gotter comes from sum where."

Looking around I said, "You don't mean that all the food for the estate comes from these gardens do you?"

"Naw, uh uh. The grains and sech are mostly handled at the farms … estate and free. O' course every farm has its own gardens for private use. The houses down in the village der too. What yer see in these gardens go fer two purposes Gilly. First off they gots ter support the house and those in and working fer it. Now days that ain't ser many as once twer."

"You said they served two purposes. What's the other?"

"Well, the ways things are suppose ter work is that the extry from the gardens goes to support the widders and orphans and the old folks too bad off to do for themselves or that are takin' care o' youngin's what ain't got anyone younger that can or will take 'em."

I heard something in his voice. "Supposed to?"

He nodded and I could see in his face a deep disappointment. "Last few years Young Cor's been off trying ter save the estate fer the people. What he fergot is the estate is the people."

I put my hand on his arm and said, "You call him Young Cor for a reason Jonah."

He sighed and nodded. "I know it. We kept waiting fer him ter figger things out. Then when he brung Miss Francie home we was sure that even if he didn't know what was supposed ter be done that she would coming from a big fancy place like the Lathrops run. But she … she don't seem up fer the job. We thought all was lost … now here yers is here and we's gots another chance to do right by the people."

I was appalled, sympathetic, and outraged all at the same time. "Why didn't someone tell Cor? How was he supposed to know with a Da like he got? And the Captain didn't know either; he said himself that he never really knew anything about estate management."

"Young Cor wasna home during the right times ter show him."

"Then why didn't someone talk to Francine the way you are talking to me?"

"Mary tried. Miss Winnie tried. She wus jes …" He shook his head unwilling to speak ill of someone that was supposed to be the lady of the estate I suppose.

I felt a horrible weight. A frightening weight. When I had come to understand that there was not escape for me from being a second wife I thought all I would have to do was survive that. Then I found out that there was a type of feud that caused my situation and I thought to survive that. What Jonah was causing me to face was something completely different. He made me realize that it wasn't just about me, or about Cor, or about Francine nor even the Captain and Winnie. The people that depended on the estate were real and they were getting desperate. They had to be to think that an Outlander nobody like me was their last hope.

I looked at Jonah and suddenly I wasn't seeing him but Docia and Hannah and Nel and the other girls that first winter after the feud when we had all lost our parents. The Headman, new at the time but known to us by his brutal reputation, made sure that what food was left was pieced out to the men first and then their families. The rest of us, weaker and younger or weaker and old, that served no purpose or had no connection were left to make do the best way we could. So many died that winter that it was nearly as bad as replaying the feud all over again but the enemy wasn't the Lakesider tribe but cold and starvation. I vowed that I'd never sit back and let that happen again and when I was taken from the town, even though it was against my will, I thought never to have to do face that type of thing again. But here I was. And there was Jonah staring at me like I was something that I wasn't.

"I … I don't know what to do Jonah," I told him quietly. He sighed in defeat and turned away but I grabbed his arm and tugged him back. "I don't know what to do right now … but … I can learn. If someone will tell me and teach me, we'll see if we can't put what has gone wrong back on track … put the order of things back the way they are supposed to be. I'm … I'm just going to need some help. I don't think I can do this alone."

"Well … that I can help yers with. We got lots o' bodies that would be willing ter work it out. As fer the rest, me sister knows a thing or three 'bout what's ter do with what's comes outta the gardens so they lasts the longest. She's also friends with the preacher man's wife and mother. Them women should be able to say who is in the most need right now and the rest can be set aside the way it used ter fer the hard times down the road."

He patted my shoulder and I was left standing in the middle of it all. Part of me wanted to scream that it was too much, too frightening and part of me was thinking about how lonesome and without purpose I had been since my sisters no longer needed me. Then I recalled something my Gran would say every once in a while. "Be careful what you pray for because you just might get it."

I had prayed to find some way to survive the fate I had been handed. I knew the feud between the Lathrops and Cormans couldn't last forever, that eventually something would end it one way or the other. I saw the empty and lonely years stretch far off into the future after that with me growing old and alone trying to make something out of the nothing of my life. This … this need that Jonah had shown me … it offered me purpose. For how long I wasn't sure but even if it was just this one season I suddenly decided to grab it in both hands.


	20. Chapter 20

_**Chapter 20**_

When Jonah said that Mrs. Wiley knew what to do with things from the garden he was not exaggerating. I was amazed at what she could do with the sweet, red berries. We were as industrious as beavers and frugal as church mice, not a single berry was allowed to go to waste.

Women from the village came early the next morning and we picked all the ripe berries on the plants. After it became too warm to pick the berries we would take them to great tubs on the kitchen porch and cut the green caps from them and then slice them for whatever Mrs. Wiley decided we needed to do next. First came the strawberry preserves that used honey to sweeten it; some went home with the village women but most of it went down into the coolest park of the cellar.

Next was dried strawberries on the great drying screens that Jonah pulled from the barn and cleaned. We made strawberry pulp leathers and put them down into the cold cellar for later use as well.

After we had been at this a couple of days I came out of the field to a surprise. Francine and her aunts were in the kitchen helping Mrs. Wiley who is never one to turn away a willing hand. I don't know if Francine's hands were willing but they were certainly working under her aunt's strict guidance.

Muriel, addressing me, said, "I am glad to see that you are willing to learn the art of housewifery. I am afraid I had begun to despair of seeing you take your place as a wife. Dear Francine should not be left to do all the work."

I nearly choked and if I hadn't had a mouth full of strawberry I might have said something unwise. Instead I gave the woman a vacuous smile and she seemed content with that as a reply.

It was a couple of days later that Cor returned. He was absolutely amazed at finding Francine working away and believed everything the aunts fed him hook, line and sinker … and I suspect as much because he wanted to as because he is a lunkhead where some things are concerned.

At dinner that night the two lovebirds were all smiles for one another. I was happy to be ignored as I had sliced my thumb open capping strawberries and then gotten salt in it where I was stirring a batter of strawberry bread. The thumb was thumping like a drum and I was eager to be away from all the noise … what was at the table and what my thumb was making. Then Hazel who had taken some strange delight in trying to whip me into shape said, "Cor Dear." He looked at her and then she looked down the table towards me. I had no idea what she was up to but I wasn't biting.

She kept looking at him and then looking at me pointedly. When none of us seem to be getting it she finally sighed and said to me, "Fel … Dear … please don't worry. You will get your turn with Cor. I am sure that he brought you something from the fort as well."

I nearly swallowed my tongue in quick and had a hard time coming up with a reply until my humor kicked in. "Aw Missus Hazel. I wouldn't feel right taking time away from Francine. She was here first and when Cor left things in such a pucker. I won't hold it against him none. Cor's just glad she's forgiven him and 'tis only right that they have some alone time down there at the other end of the table. I know you wouldn't think so as I'm a little hard headed but I have learned some manners since I was brung out of the Outlands."

Mrs. Wiley was carrying out the leftovers from the strawberry cake she'd made for a treat and she nearly dropped the platter. I jumped up to save it and her … and in point of fact myself. I turned and said brightly, "Reckon this here is my cue. Thank you so much Missus Hazel for thinking of me so kindly but you folks should be able to talk amongst yourselves without having to worry whether you are leaving me in the dust or not."

I followed Mrs. Wiley out to the kitchen carrying half the dishes while she carried the other half. After we sat the dishes in the tubs and the boys commenced to washing them Mrs. Wiley took my arm firmly and steered me to the two rooms that she had for her personal use. "I want ter see that thumb o yers."

I started to say, "It's fine …"

When she said, "I'll have that thumb or I just might paddle yore behind like it deserves. Yer knows yer got more sense thens the way yer acts around them. I nearly dropped the dishes at that antic yer just pulled in thar. Why do yer hide yer brain like that?"

Trying to think of a truth that wouldn't reveal the rest of my lie I told her, "Because they are meddlesome. They're trying to force Cor to be some way he isn't. They're bossy and I … I just don't want to give them any idea that their bossing will work on me."

"Then jes tell 'em that Gilly. What's ter use of all the games?"

Then I told her, "Because I don't necessarily want them to know they can't boss me around."

She stopped at gave me a searching look. "Yer don't trust 'em none."

I shrugged as she turned my thumb gently this way and that. "Let's just say that I've got reason to believe the Lathrops want to have more say in what goes on around here than they should."

Another pause and she asks carefully, "You think Miss Francie is in on it?"

I shook my head. "I don't know what to think of Francine."

"Thet's not a yes er no."

I shook my head again. "But it's the only answer I can make that comes close enough to the truth that it isn't a lie. I won't try and set Cor against Francine and I won't say something that makes people take sides when doing so will surely hurt someone real bad one way or the other. All I care about right now is making sure people have enough to eat this winter."

She asked me no more questions. I said goodnight. And then I headed off to the cabin, but not before giving her a wicked look and snitching a couple of strawberries which made her laugh and shake her head.

Once in the cabin I decided to let myself relax. I was shaking my skirts out after washing up in a basin of cool water and putting on a long shirt that doubled as my sleeping outfit. Since my family died I had been used to sleeping in the clothes that I stood up in all day … both because that was all I had and because it was another layer of protection against our occasional night time "visitor". But every time I turned around something was just sort of appearing in my laundry and for once I was grateful not to have to deal with threadbare breast bands and loin cloths and the few other underlinens that I put up with.

There was an unexpected knock on the door and I grabbed my knife from the small table where I had set it. By the time I turned around the doorway was filled with male and I was fit to be tied.

I hissed, "Cor! Are you looking to get gutted?!"

"Shhh! I wouldn't put it passed those cacklers to be watching and listening in."

He leaned against the door to close it in relief and then after a solid glance in my direction that left his jaw open and swinging in the breeze he slammed his hand over his eyes. "Put some clothes on!" he yelped quietly.

"They're damp you loony. I'm not going to catch sick over something this silly, not even for you. Hang on if the sight of me is burning your eyes out of their sockets." I pulled my extra quilt off the end of the bed and told him, "You can uncover your eyes now."

He carefully peeked and then dropped his hand. I couldn't help it, I laughed at him. He was embarrassed then angry and then quickly shook his head and said, "You don't have to rub it in you know. You just caught me off guard."

"Well maybe next time you knock you ought to wait until you are invited in."

He nodded and said, "I'll keep that in mind."

He looked a little big for the cabin and he started looking uncomfortable again. I said, "Did you have some reason in particular to be here?"

"Huh? Oh … yeah. Francine and her aunts, they … uh … they don't think I was … uh … sharing …"

When he sputtered to a stop I asked, "Sharing what?"

e H He sighed and then said, "Me."

I couldn't help it. The look on his face was just too much. It was a good thing Daphne had cured me of personal vanity long ago. Instead all I could do was laugh … and laugh and laugh. I hadn't laughed like that … well, in a long, long time.

With my eyes streaming I finally stopped and saw Cor sitting in the rocker trying not to laugh himself. He looked at me and he said, "And you call me a loon."

Wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt I said, "Seriously, why are you here."

"Seriously, I'm here right now because that's what they expect. I was going to wait until the morning but I might as well give them to you now."

"Give me what?" I asked.

He picked up a sack he had set inside the door that I hadn't noticed. He offered it to me but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. "Go on Fel, take it … it's yours."

"That's not my rucksack."

"I know it. You waiting for me to upend it for you or don't you want your letters?"

"My letters?" I asked trying to hide my disappointed. "Didn't you get to see Docia?"

He smiled and said, "Saw her and then went back to pick up her return letter for you. She said she's sorry if the letter is a little stained but she was crying buckets and buckets for finally hearing from you. She also was able to get letters from a couple of the other girls you call sister and stick them in there too."

I looked at him afraid to hope. "You better not be fooling me."

He finally realized how important this was to me and said quietly, "I wouldn't fool about this Fel. Here, take the sack … the letters and a couple of other things are in there too."


	21. Chapter 21

_**Chapter 21**_

I took the sack and opened it cautiously. I trusted Cor but only up to my memories giving me reason to be cautious. The Headman had handed me a rucksack full of snakes once and if I had just stuck my hand down in the bag I would have been black as a burnt log and deader than dead … in fact without the caution that my Da taught me was the first survival skill you needed I would have been dead several times already in this life.

I carefully opened the sack over near the fireplace where I could peer down inside it first. When all looked OK I plopped down onto the floor and carefully upended the sack in front of me. Several pieces of folded rice paper were tied together with a piece of rough, gray yarn. There was also a few paper wrapped bundles but it was the letters that I was after first.

With shaking hands I untied the bundle of papers and they fell loose in my lap. The first one I picked up was from Hannah and was typical. She was a good speller but she hated writing because she was so slow and because she had a hard time forming the letters in the right directions.

 _Fel, I miss you so much. I just want you to know I am good with life. I enjoy being married. I hope you do. Carter and his brother are fine men. Nel says she enjoys being married too. They don't hit. Carter killed a small bear with only his hands when it charged me while I was getting water from the creek. He shook for two hours and would not let me out of his sight. I am big but he treats me like I will break. I like being married real good. I will tell the others things and they can write more._

 _Your sisters, Hannah and Nel_

I refolded it slowly and carefully and the next letter I picked up was from Daphne of all people. I was very surprised as I didn't know that she could read or write.

 _Fel, I am shure u r suprized to here from me. I am suprized to. I nevar thot that I wuld miss u but I do. I culd uze sum help with the she cats a round here. Lem sayz thay r jellus az thay did not git picked to be wifes in the furst famalys. I told Lem it waz stoopid because I did not care so long as I got to be hiz wife, it did not matter if he was furst or not. He smiled at me. He smiles at me all the tyme. He is diferant from uncle. I am very glad to no that not all men r like uncle. I am going to have a babee. Mona is surprized that I tuuk so soon. Lem and I want to hav many babes so hiz ma will hav a lot to keep her buzy and not b so buzy with him. She is nice, better than ant but do not tell hur I sad so. I do not think peeple here no whut it iz like in the Outlands. Sum r soft. Sum jest do not want to believe thet stuf still hapens even tho the dark dayz are over. Lem's ma buyz me to much stuf. She spinds more coyns now thet a babe will be here. Lem sad I kan send this to u az I hav more then I kan ever ware. Docia cryd wen she hurd frum u. She axed us to rite to u becose you r far away and will be lonely with no wun to take car of. I wisht u were here to hep me with the catz. Ur sister, Daphne_

There was a paper covered bundle that I knew was from Daphne because it was labeled "Frum Daphne" in the same blocky lettering she had used to write the letter. She seemed to have changed but not so much that she wouldn't want me to know exactly what came from her. It made me smile for old time's sake. The edges of the paper had been folded so that you didn't need string to hold it closed which I thought was clever. I went from smiling to laughing at what I took out after I figured out what it was.

Cor made a strange noise and I looked up to find him staring off at anything but the silly, frilly things I had in my hands. "Cor, for you to be a grown, married man you sure do act like a boy that hasn't even gotten fuzzy yet."

He gave me an irritated look and then shook his head. "You aren't the least embarrassed are you?"

Shaking my head I said, "I refuse to be embarrassed of silly things and certainly not because I'm female. I don't know why you would be either. Surely you've seen Francine prancing around in things like this since it seems this is what women here wear."

Stubbornly he said, "That's not the point."

Conceding some of the point I told him, "OK, maybe it would be a little different if you saw Francine in them but this is just me and we both know there's nothing between us."

"That's not the point either. I mean it is but …" He stopped for a moment then gave me a quizzical look. "It really doesn't bother you?"

I shook my head at his silliness. "Cor I'm not asking you to do my laundry. It is just plain foolish to pretend I am not a female. If I wasn't we would not be in this fix. They are just under things though I've never seen the like in all my life. They wouldn't hold up to much from what I can see and all of that ribbon and lace has to be itchy."

He had no comment to that so I moved on to the last letter, from Docia.

 _Sister, I cried and cried and cried to finally hear word of you. I will try to make you proud of me and use good words but I am sorry that the page is all messed up from me crying. I am just so happy. I will tell you right away that I am very well because I know that is the first thing you will want to know. Robbie is like no one I ever imagined, even better than Prince Charming. He is not like the Headman or my Da. He does not yell and shout. He smiles a lot and he even smiles at me. When I asked him why he said it is to make up for all the smiles I didn't get. That is a strange thing for him to say but it is not the strangest. He is bashful and moves real slow when he wants to spend time with me. I do not know whether to tell him that he does not need to, that if he will keep me he can ask of me anything and I will not stop him or complain. If Missus Uhl was not his Ma I would ask her but she is so I won't. I may not be smart but I do not think Robbie would want his Ma to know about such things as him being bashful like that._

 _Another strange thing is that I am not scared. Not hardly of anything except Robbie sending me away. There was a horse that went loco for some reason. I just roped him like you taught me and waited for him to tire himself out. Then when he was finally to tuckered to hurt me I went to find out why had acted like he did. He was a stallion but even stallions do not act like he acted. He still tried to nip me when I found it. He had been stung by a giant wasp that had somehow gotten caught in the poor things saddle blanket. I put a poultice on it to ease his pain and take the poison out of it and did not think anything of it. But when I thought to look all the boys in the yard were staring at me. I thought I had done something wrong. I was very scared to even come out of the orchard where I had run and hid. Robbie and Mister Uhl found me and explained that no one was mad at me, that I had surprised them by being so strong and smart about what to do for the poor horse. No one but you has ever called me smart. I do not know exactly what it all means._

 _I know your life cannot be what you want. I know that being a second wife has to twit your pride and hurt your feelings. I know you Fel like I know my own reflection. I would take your place if I could even if it meant leaving Robbie because you would do the same for me. It makes me mad that you have to do this thing when you never asked for it or had the choice and the rest of us get so much better. I tried to explain it to Robbie but it is hard when that Cor is his cousin. I think even when they mean well men will stick together and never understand women. I think God did that on purpose though I can't think why because it makes life very hard sometimes._

 _There is a thing that I spoke to Missus Uhl about and she said she understood. She is a woman too. I made you a medicine box. I put what I think you could need that might take you a while to collect if you had to make one for yourself. I have found that some of the plants that we used to use do not grow here and Robbie is teaching me what they use for the same purpose. Inside the box is a paper with notes for everything to make sure you remember and will know about the ones you have never seen. Robbie says I draw beautiful pictures and he has me helping him to make books up that can be used in the midwife and healer schools. I like that kind of learning and I am practicing my reading and writing and Robbie is very pleased and says that he is proud of me and amazed that I did not let the men stop me from learning. He has heard stories from our other sisters of why some of them cannot read or write or cypher the way the women here can. I think he heard most of it from Daphne who still likes to talk too much when he went to visit her mother in law who seems to enjoy getting lots of attention like that._

 _Daphne is with child. She is almost crowing about it as you can imagine. But she is not as bad as she used to be. I think she was very lonely and just did not know how to join in our games when we would play and work. I do not think her aunt would have let her even if she had tried. And she told me a surprising thing. She said that she learned to read and write by sneaking and listening to you teach us. If her uncle had found out he would have had her stripped in the square and beaten and then sold her off to another settlement as a lesson to the rest of us. I did not know that Daphne was that brave. She is turning into a real sister though she can still be Daphne._

 _Before I forget, in the box you will even find dried willow bark for those times when the moon comes and you are miserable. I know you never let it stop you but some days you were very sick and this is better than trying to chew it like you sometimes had to._

 _I miss you Sister and Robbie has promised that we will see each other again. I do not know when and I do not know how but I know for a fact that we will. Do not lose hope. No one here will ever think of you as a saloon girl. I will love you forever. Your sister, Docia_

I did not realize it until Cor put a finger on my cheek but my face was wet with tears. I jumped up and brushed them away then turned so he could not see them.

Softly Cor said, "You miss them."

It was a simple statement of fact so I gave him a simple fact right back. I said, "They were all I had that made life bearable."

Regretfully Cor said, "I would take you to the fort Fel, I really would but there are only a few days before I have to leave on another run. It is an important one and could mean a lot for the estate and there are things I must take care of here on the estate before I can set off."

I shook my head, still not looking at him. "I don't expect you to do anything like that. You have to do what you have to do. Life is just like that."

He waited a moment and then asked, "Don't you want to look at your other packages?"

I'd finally gotten myself under control and turned around and smiled; it may have been small and watery but it was still an honest one. "I'll wait until after you leave. Knowing Docia she's put something in there that might make you uncomfortable."

"Oh … uh … well … wait to open hers but … but there's one in there from me."

For a moment I almost didn't realize what he said but when I finally figured out he wasn't fooling I asked him, "Why? Because you are sorry you can't take me to see my sisters?"

"Well no … I mean yes I'm sorry for that but … well …"

Then I remembered. He couldn't get something for Francine unless he got something for me. "You didn't have to do that Cor. You could have just said you did … I'd never tell Francine our business."

Then he grumped a loud "No." But then he shook himself and said, "No … I mean that's not why I did it. This whole second wife business wasn't my idea or yours but just because we've got it worked out between us doesn't mean I expect you to be a slave to the estate or get treated like you are a piece of farm equipment. Go on and open it. I want to make sure they'll work."

He was so insistent that I picked up the one he pointed at and opened it. Inside were partially finished moccassins that had leggings that were attached to them. Cor took one and inspected it. "Jonah said the cobbler can't come for a while as several of his children have the spots and those that haven't he expects to shortly. I asked Aunt Mona and Docia about shoes for you and Docia said that you would prefer something like this and it would be better for you too until the skin of your foot stops being so tender. Aunt Mona agreed. I know they are not exactly like the ones you had but the way these are will keep briars and vines from tearing up your legs like you seem to let them do. Docia said that you would know how to finish them."

I nodded, amazed that he would think of something like this and doubly amazed he would ask Docia and Mona about it. Too intrigued by the design to really look at him while I talked I said, "I've been making or helping to make my own clothes and things since I was a very little girl. Ma and Gran said it was a mark of growing up when girls could do things like that and my Da taught me things because he said I wouldn't be dependent on others for my needs so much. I think he always worried that if something happened to him or Ma I might get stuck under the thumb of some mean man and if I had the skills to take care of myself I might escape that fate. More than one had already come to Da and wanted to trade a few horses for me."

"What?! I thought you said you were only twelve when they died."

"I was." Then his tone of voice registered and I really looked at him and then sighed. "Cor, the Outlands are a hard place. The people here … they can be brave and strong. I've seen 'em. The Captain and a man named Carter that now has Hannah for his wife showed me that first and it kept me from falling to pieces. But brave and strong often means that you've got what my Da called scruples. I think it is the same as that honor that you go on about sometimes. The Outlands are mean Cor, they scrub the honor and scruples out of people and often leave nothing but mean and brutal behind. Being taken as a wife at thirteen and fourteen isn't unusual where I come from. Sometimes … sometimes being taken younger just out of pure meanness isn't unusual either. It isn't good to be alone in the Outlands. The places and people and animals don't care about life all that much … or at least about nobody's life but their own."

I could actually hear him swallow twice before he asked quietly, "Did … did that happen to you?"

"The bad stuff? No. My Da was a strong and clever man and would have killed any man that tried to hurt me or Ma or Gran several times over. Docia though got caught when she was a little girl and that's part of the reason why she is the way she is I think. I hope Robbie is nice to her. Her letter says he is and that he is gentle … but maybe you could tell him he doesn't have to be quite so gentle with her. She seems afraid that … well … if I know Docia she is afraid he's gonna get frustrated and then send her away so that he can find one that he doesn't have to worry about breaking. Docia won't break. If the life we lived and the things she had to endure didn't break her, a nice man like Robbie isn't going to."

"What about … you said … you said the Headman had you punished because …"

I sighed and looked at him. Cor was a nice man and I know it hurt him to have to hear about things that were so different from the way he would like to believe things should be. "Cor, I'm a strong person. Not just on the inside either. My Da taught me to take a life and I have of my own free will done it. And of my own free will I'll do it again if need be. There's not much that I let hurt me. Even if something like that had happened to me I wouldn't have let it stop me. That doesn't mean that I'll just lay it all aside to continue to draw breath. I have never wanted to be a saloon girl and you know what I mean by that. I'd rather starve to death or die slow and hard than willingly take up that life. And that is what made the Headman so mad. He was out to break me and he couldn't. And because he couldn't break me and make me cry he couldn't … get manly with me which made him even madder and was the real reason her threw me in the stocks the way he did. If I died then he could forget … I wouldn't die because I didn't want him to ever forget."

Looking away I added, "There's been a few close calls. I know what a man looks like whether I want to or not. But for whatever reason whether it was because I was stronger, smarter, faster, or just 'cause God said that wasn't my fate that day …" Turning back I said, "I could give you more details but I don't think that is what you want. Mostly I think you want … or need … to know that I'm ok, that some man hasn't scarred me for life. Well I'm fine. Life is hard. Sometimes the memories you make are good and sometimes the memories you make aren't. I'm lucky. For every bad memory I have at least one good. It balances out."

He got up out of the rocker and turned to face the fireplace. I didn't know what to say. I'd never met a man aside from my Da that felt bad because he couldn't protect females from life happening and even my Da had been a realist. I don't know if he'd started out that way though. Ma used to tell stories of how silly Da could be when she first came to know him.

"I keep forgetting."

I wasn't sure what he meant. "Huh?"

"I've been going on runs since I was a boy with my father. We'd go to places and dig around looking for pieces of old tech for him to bring back home and play with in his lab. Some of those places were in the Outlands and some were in the old cities in the east. I saw some horrible things. But every time I'd come home it was like all of the bad stuff was a … a dream. That it didn't really happen, that it couldn't be as bad as I remember it. I've seen it but … I've never really had to live it day in and day out. And I was always sure that even if it had happened, that it was as bad as I remember it, it could never happen here … that here was a … a safe place … a sacred place. My father was a rotter Fel, I admit it, but he was a civilized rotter. Growing up and the plague that killed so many took some of that idealism away but …" He sighed. "When I'm here I can forget about how bad it is in other places." He turned and looked at me. "I never even thought to ask Fel. I never even thought about it period. I'm sorry for that. I never even thought to ask you if you were afraid of me like you would be afraid of the men in your old place."

I crossed my arms and gave him an impatient look. "Don't you start. You're as different as night is from day from all of them others. You're like my Da … hard times haven't rubbed out your scruples, instead they seem to have made them dig in even harder and deeper. As a result you're silly about some things that you don't need to be. I'm not like Francine Cor. Just because someone sees my underthings doesn't mean I'm gonna faint or throw a hiss fit like some old rattler. Now stop feeling bad right now or you'll make me feel bad … and I don't like feeling bad for telling the truth."

His eyebrows went up and the higher his went up mine came down until my face felt as scrunched up as an old woman's. Then he smiled. "OK, I give. Just promise me if anyone … er … bothers you that you'll say something. To me … Uncle Rob … Jonah … somebody. You don't have to take care of yourself by yourself now that you are here."

I gave him a noncommittal answer because I wouldn't lie to him but I don't think he noticed. He just seemed to be relieved to get beyond the topic. "There should be a couple of other things in the paper. The storekeeper is a friend of mine from boyhood and I asked his mother what some of the other women have been coming in for and she put together the things in there. I'll leave coin for you and if you need anything Mrs. Wiley or Uncle Rob should be able to help you get it."

With that he jammed his hat back on his head and made to escape but then froze, staring at the door.

"What?" I asked him perplexed at this new bit of strangeness.

He muttered, "They're probably watching and keeping time, the old battle axes."

I spluttered a laugh. "Honestly Cor. Just tell them that you took their words to heart but that you are concerned for Francine's well-being and that you didn't want her ill from worry so you thought it best to spend some time at her side."

He gave me a suspicious look. "You are awful good at this lying business."

I shrugged. "You are concerned about Francine and want to sit with her, just not for the reason you are telling them. The Lathrops have lived this way since the Dark Days and seem to be invested in it in a way that we can't understand. I don't have to like what we are doing Cor, but if we are going to do it then best to keep it as close to the truth as we can and just make it something they can understand at the same time."

I got him half way through the door before he said, "Francine is going to …"

Continuing to push him out like he was a stubborn pig that didn't want to go to slaughter I told him, "When Francine starts to say something you say that while you admire her aunts and would like to honor them, her beauty has been preying on your mind for days and all you can think of is her so it wouldn't do you any good to try anything with me."

I shut the door on his squawk and then threw the bolt that Jonah had installed thinking that if my brother had had a chance to grow up it would have been nice to have had him turn out like Cor though maybe not quite so silly about females.


	22. Chapter 22

_**Chapter 22**_

Cor wasn't kidding about having to leave in a couple of days; he and the Captain were so busy that we didn't even see them at meal times. In fact, the whole estate was a twitter and it was turning into a huge ruckus. I thought it strange but Jonah said it was normal and I would see why the next day.

I sure did see. Before luncheon the men arrived that were going out with Cor bringing with them the midwife that Mona sent to care for Winnie. With their arrival all of the supplies they would need were pulled together and then separated into individual portions as well as the portion that went into the wagons that would go on the run with them. And this work was on top of all the regular chores that had to be done including the gardening.

And then they were gone and it was so quiet that the whole estate felt deserted for a couple of days until people could get used to all the men being gone. No sooner had that happened than Francine's aunts prepared to return to the Lathrop estate. I worried about it and even took the aunt named Hazel aside.

"Er … Missus Hazel … uh … I don't know how to ask this except to just do it. Will … will Francine be alright when you women leave?"

Hazel was in the middle of folding her clothes to put in her trunk and stopped in mid fold. Slowly she stood erect and then turned her head to look at me. I thought she was going to bite me at first until I realized the reason she was showing all of her teeth … the good ones in front and the bad ones in the back … was that she was smiling.

"Fel … perhaps I have been too harsh on you. It is simply amazing that someone from the Outlands would have the sensitivity to see that Francine is more fragile than she lets on." I nearly told her that her precious Francine wasn't near as fragile as she pretended and that she was twisting them a clanker of a tale but I didn't. It might have been the truth but it didn't suit my purpose to tell it so I kept the words behind my teeth.

I wondered how much to play it but I finally just said in all honesty, "She is better with you here. She seems more clear headed." Looking around to make sure no one else heard me I told her, "I accidentally overheard Cor explain to Francine that there wasn't any coin for her to go over to the fort and shop with and that he had rescinded the letters to the merchants there. She seemed … upset."

Hazel asked in snooty voice, "And you would not be?"

I shook my head and in all honesty told her, "I wouldn't expect it in the first place. Cor is trying to pay off the estate debts so that he can provide a better life for those that are dependent on him. And anything we need can come from the estate or worst case the surrounding farms. Plus it takes outriders to ensure safe travel and with the harvest seasons starting men are hard to spare except for emergencies. And then there is Winnie."

"Ah yes, Winifred. That is a huge consideration."

"Yes'm. I don't mean to be uppity but … just in case Francine … that she …"

She looked at me then sighed. "Her mother was much worse. If her megrims are mild a tea of chamomile or lavender may prove helpful. If she is slightly more … upset … a tea of passionflower would be my recommendation. If her nerves are very taxed then a tea of valerian or black cohosh will be necessary. However …"

When she gave me what my Gran called "the eye" I acted like she had poked me with something sharp though in reality I could pull it off better than she could. "Yes'm?"

"Do not use the black cohosh if there is even a slight possibility that she is with child. Do you understand me?"

The last was said with gritted teeth. "I would never Missus Hazel. Never ever."

She sighed and said, "Very well. I will make sure that a supply is left with Mrs. Wiley if the estate does not have any on hand."

As I walked downstairs I considered her solution. While I'm not against using such teas my concern is that I don't believe Francine is really the hysterical type … at least not now having observed her for weeks on end. It is possible that she saw the attention it brought her mother and she is merely replicating what she learned by example. Plus Docia had told me that some such teas were addictive if you take them too regularly. It was a quandary that I would continue to be in over the coming days.

After Francine's aunts arrived they kind of …well … whipped her into shape is the phrase that comes to mind. She wasn't hard to be around. She didn't sigh and mope. She actually participated in the work though I did note that she got a lot less of it done than her aunts did. It almost made me like her aunts … well, maybe respect the old buffalo herd would be more correct. It would take a lot to get to like them as a group though I could stand some of them on a one on one basis without too much trouble.

In fact, those feelings made me even more leery. The Captain kept reminding me they were "the enemy" but I had a hard time seeing it. I could imagine it but they weren't acting like my enemy, at least not while they were in my presence. And they could have done a lot more to try and get me to their side. I didn't give them a lot of chances because I kept busy but still, they could have made chances and they didn't.

I think they would have manipulated me if they could have but I was beginning to think that maybe I had kind of turned that plan on its ear and they were returning to the Lathrop estate to regroup. It could have been anything. All I know is it gave me a headache to think about and I was more than glad to see the last of them as their carriage pulled away even though they also took with them a lot of extra hands that were nice to have around.

The first two days after her aunts left Francine remained as they had left her. Perky and more than willing to help. She even made a few jokes that were actually funny. The work was hard and the days were long and on the third day I noticed her getting where she would just stare off into the trees or have to be asked something twice before she would respond. The fourth day it was nearly noon before she joined the rest of us women even though I tried to fetch her earlier. By the time a week was up she point blank refused to come down due to a recurrence of her "sick headaches."

The midwife at first tried to do what she could but within a couple of days threw her hands up and told me in confidence, "There's nothing wrong with that girl that a good swift swat on the behind wouldn't cure. I'd offer to do it in the name of health and medicine but she's twenty not twelve for all that she acts it."

I could see why Mona had chosen the woman to be midwife to Winnie. She was in her fifties and looked it. She also had a ready smile that could light up a room. But you didn't let the smile or age fool you because she was strong in both body and mind. I watched her manhandle Jonah into letting her look at a boil on the back of his shoulder. I didn't think anything could move Jonah unless he wanted to move. I liked Rubine on short acquaintance. She reminded me a bit of what my Gran must have been like before age and sorrows got to her.

I was happy to leave Winnie to Rubine and Francine to her sick headaches. June was here and with it came the furnace blast of summer and just in time to make all the work that needed to be done that much more difficult.

The garden was busting out all over in a way not even my Ma's garden had ever done and all she had to look at something and it would grow. The beans that ran on their trellis reminded me of that old story of the giant and the beanstalk. The vines seemed to grow by the foot each night and we'd no sooner clear them off then they were ready to be picked again.

Jonah was happy as a drunk pig. He said, "Been many a year since the gardens have give so well. Must be all the purty ladies whats tending ter 'em."

I thought he really was drunk after that until I saw him giving the eye to one particularly still-buxom widow. I had to stifle a laugh and run behind a bean pole a couple of times to keep him from knowing I was looking. Mrs. Wiley caught me at it once and gave a small smile. "Reckon Jonah is tired of spending his winters cold and lonesome. Tish seems a likely arm full though Jonah would be smart rememberin' that she's outlasted three husbands now. Seems she might like to fill her winters up with something besides rocking and knittin' too as I hear all three of the men died with a smile on their faces."

I whooped with laughter loud enough that it drew attention and I had to haul my sack of beans to the kitchen to keep anyone from asking me what the joke was. I tried to explain to Winnie and the Captain about it but they only smiled wanly and changed the subject. I was confused as I had found it hilarious then Rubine caught me as I left the room and explained.

"Dear Fel, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. God created us to be one with another so long as it is marked by a covenant."

"Then why didn't Winnie and the Captain find it funny if there is no harm in it?"

Rubine smiled and sat me down and started brushing the tangles from my hair, something she seemed to enjoy doing. She said it reminded her of her daughter that had been lost to the plague. "There are different types of people in this world and they tend to stick together. It has nothing to do really with whether those people are good or bad but more with what they see as proper and not."

"So you're saying they think I'm not proper."

"No, not the way you mean it. They see it as a matter of propriety."

"Isn't that the same thing as proper?"

"Not really. Propriety is how people like to see how they act. It isn't that they don't see you as proper Fel, just that their own propriety gets in the way of them seeing the joy in the simple things that you can see."

I thought that over and then said, "You make it sound like I'm still a child and I'm not. I'm an Outlander that has lived rough and done things that …"

She stopped me, "I'm well aware of the life you led. I'm not judging you Fel. As a matter of fact I understand better than you think. You aren't making fun of two oldsters getting up to antics, you are finding the joy in it that they still want to and can."

Sighing as she finished braiding my horse tail I told her, "I know I'm rough. I know I'm crude. I shocked Cor all to pieces a couple of times teaching me that you actually could make a grown man blush. But I thought I knew where to draw the line and protect them from what I am. I thought I had it all figured out. What you say makes me wonder if I have anything figured out. Or maybe what I figured was all wrong. Maybe instead of being embarrassed Cor was just disgusted."

She put a friendly arm around me and said, "Now don't think that. You shouldn't have to protect people from who you are. If they can't accept you Fel then that is their problem and not yours. And where is that horse sense you usually have? I shouldn't have to tell you this."

I sighed and then shook myself. "Being silly. I get the megrims sometimes when the moon is coming but usually only when it is going to be a bad time of it. I hope that isn't it. I have too much work to sit around drinking willow tea or chewing the bark like snuff."

"The moon? Ah, you mean your womanly cycle. Too much willow bark isn't good for you. Before you resort to it let's try a tea of angelica or black haw."

Relieved that there was something besides the nasty tasting willow I asked her, "What are those?"

From there I got a lesson in a great many herbs for womanly afflictions from scant menses to late menses to menses too heavy to all of the other things that can come with the moon time. I wound up having to ask the Captain for more rice paper to keep all of my notes on. I know I'll have to ask for another bottle of ink soon as well. Quills were easy enough to fashion but it wasn't yet the time of year for the fall nuts and berries that I could get my own inks and colors from.

The heat seemed to go higher each day and I was surprised I suffered from it so much. It was sensible Jonah that explained. "Been out ter the Outlands a few times when I were a young and adventuresome man. Can't say I cared fer it over much. But the thing I do remember is the air weren't near so wet as it is here. Out there the wind would dry yer ter hard leather and yer'd never even noticed the heat because yer never seem ter sweat. Here, it fair spills from yer like a spring on some days."

After a moment he looked over at Mrs. Wiley and said, "Speaking of springs, yer reckon the berries out ter old Tumbler's Mill be ready?"

Mrs. Wiley, more than a little exasperated at the hijinks the two kitchen boys were getting up to snapped, "How am I ta know. How about yer head on out in the morning and find out. And while yer at it, take those two menaces with yer. Maybe a day long hike will take some of the wiggles out of their britches."

That night I casually mentioned that Jonah was taking the boys to see if the berries were ready for harvesting when Winnie moaned. She startled me so bad I nearly turned my plate over jumping up to see to her.

"Oh Fel, I'm sorry Dear, I didn't mean to frighten you. It's just when you mentioned Tumbler's Spring into my head popped the frog legs that Mary would fry. Remember Captain? I'd go to the spring and bring back a bucketful and oh …. They were the most delicious thing."

I looked at Rubine and asked her, "Can she still eat 'em or will they make that baby jump around in her stomach?"

The Captain harrumphed but in the end tried to hide a smile at Winnie's outrage. Rubine answered, "There's no reason why she can't."

Turning to Winnie I said, "Well, if it is hoppers you want then if there are hoppers to be had you'll have them. The hot weather may have driven them to swim deep but I should be able to catch a few. I'll check with Mrs. Wiley and Jonah."

They both said they didn't see a problem with me going to the spring and that I'd probably keep the boys from being left in the woods by Jonah if they irritated him too much. I noticed the boys listening and I could see mischief in their eyes that I intended to stop. "More like I'll tie them to a tree and just walk away and let the forest have them. It makes me irritable to have a lot of tomfoolery going on while I'm trying to hunt. Ask my sisters if you don't believe me. I left more than one of them to make their own way home when they wouldn't shut up and walk quiet."

That gave the stinkers something to think about and Jonah gave me a wink where the boys couldn't see.

We were already on our way as the sun came up. I wore my new moccasins and was glad I did. My skin is as tough as old whang leather so the saw briers and such didn't bother me overly much, but the skeeters and gnats like to chew me to ribbons. The spear I had fashioned from an old plow hoe that I had straightened and the ax I carried in my belt helped us to cut our way through the very overgrown trail.

A two-hour hike brought us to a cool place hidden in the forest and it seemed like everywhere you looked ripe blackberries and blueberries hung in clusters with gnats going after the sweet juice. Jonah made a face and said, "They're in early, way early. Never saw so many in all my days. Don't like it at all."

Not sure why he was upset I told him, "We haven't missed the season completely Jonah. We get people out here and we'll get gallons and gallons of them."

I popped a fat juicy blackberry in my mouth that was far bigger than any I had found around my home and then licked the corner of my mouth to keep the juice from being stolen by an annoying bug. Jonah, still looking around at what I thought of as vast abundance, shook his head. "Not that Gilly. Been thinkin' on it and don't like the signs that keep ter addin' up."

My Gran used to talk of signs and since she was right more often than wrong I listened to him. "God don't give abundance like this unless he means ter send a hard time. We gots the gardens givin' plenty. We gots the grain fields all over doing so well we likely won't get a good price for it come the fall. We gots us more heat than we know what ter do with but we ain'ts got no drought ter go with it. Tis all a blessin' true … but it leaves yer wonderin' if God thinks yer need a blessin' like this then what might He be sendin' next."

I shrugged. "Well I'm not stupid. If God's offering then I'm of a mind it would be a good thing to accept. I can't change the weather but I sure know how to put clothes on and take clothes off."

Jonah nodded and set the boys to filling the packs we had brought with us while I took my bow and quiver and the small net that Jonah had found for me and went to investigate the spring with Jonah's word of caution ringing in my ears. "Mind why theys call it Tumbler's Spring Gilly and watch where yer puts yer feet." As soon as I got near the spring I understood even better. Because of the way the vegetation grew around the spring.

The frogs were indeed staying deep and were of no mind to come to the surface to get scooped up and they just swam away from the net since I couldn't get close enough to them without causing a racket. I was beginning to get a little irritated by the croakers when I had the idea to tie a string to my bow and treat it like I was fishing. Soon enough I was pulling frogs out an arrow at a time. I was just thinking of teaching the boys the skill when I heard a shriek and then a roar.

Now normally I wouldn't run blindly into a situation but when I heard Jonah yell in pain and then a great bit of crashing I took off like an arrow. I skidded around the spring and then faced near about the only thing I fear … a grizz. I hadn't seen one in years; the drought and poor harvest had run them out of the area. Guess I know now where they run to … or at least where this one run to … or it's ma anyway.

It was a grizz and male but not as big as I was used to seeing them. This one was big enough though and it looked like it had already took a swat at Jonah and the boys were cornered against a big shaft of rock that rose from the ground. I needed to distract the grizz or it would go after the unconscious man on the ground or the small boys that could escape.

"Hey you mangy ol' thing. Want to chew on somebody then why don't you try chewing on me!"

Grizz bears are not particular with their meals. If you are going to offer yourself up they are not going to say no. I figured being on my menses probably struck its nose as interesting too. I should have thought of that and been more cautious. Stupid mistake. We might have been what passed for civilization but that didn't mean that there were still things in the forest that wanted to eat you.

I didn't have but a split second to set myself. Grizz are fast but this one had never run up against a hunter that knew how to handle them. The butt end of my spear was braced against the ground and the sharp end split the fur and skin beneath easily. The bear had impaled itself. But the grizz had long arms and it still managed to send me tip or tail knocking the wind from me.

The boys screamed and I scrambled trying to get out of the bear's way. When I did turn I saw that the bear was just kind of lumbering like it was trying to figure out what happened. It looked at first like it was going to leave and come back another day but couldn't because the spear was in deep. It even batted at the stick in its chest twice after it sat down. Then it made a grunting groaning sound and lay over.

I knew from experience it might still get up so ran over to Jonah. He had a serious gash on his head that the bugs were already swarming in and a bad gash on his arm that I tore my shirt to close up. I nearly came out of my skin when something thudded into my back but the noise they were making soon told me it wasn't bear but cubs.

"Hush now," I told them. "We need to get Jonah back to the house. I need you to sit with him and stay quiet. Only call if he starts to do something."

"Miss Fel … don't leave us!"

Trying to be calm for them I said, "I'm not leaving you. I need to cut a couple of saplings and fix a travois so we can pull Jonah because he is too big for me to carry."

The bear was already drawing flies when the travois was finished and I was able to secure Jonah to it. He had moaned a bit but didn't wake up. I was worried about running into something else that would eat us and I was aggravated at being unable to save my spear but it was too deeply imbedded for me to pull out and Jonah was too important for me to take the time to cut it out. I grabbed my bow and quiver and the hatchet and started pulling the travois.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

My nerves were telling me to stop and to hurry and go faster all at the same time. As I pulled the travois back down the trail I tried to keep an ear out for anything bad but I was feeling the bruises I knew I had and worried even if I did get a heads up I would be in no position to fight whatever it was. By force of habit I ignored my fear, Jonah and the boys needed me to keep it together.

Then I heard something vaguely familiar from down the trail. For a moment I froze and then I prayed that I wasn't causing us more trouble and gave the piercing whistle that I learned from the Captain's men so long ago. All was silent and I was set to whistle again when I heard someone blow a strange off-key horn but it sounded like they were going the wrong direction. I whistled again as loud as I could. Another blast from the horn sounded closer that time. I used almost the last of my breath, even falling to one knee, to whistle one more time and then I could hear them clearly on the trail.

I heard the creaking and jangling of the saddled horses hurrying up the trails as fast as it was safe to do so before I saw the riders. It was the Captain, Robbie, and two other men I didn't recognize. I was shaking, trying to hold the travois up because we were on an incline heading down and I didn't want all the blood to rush to Jonah's already abused noggin.

It was a real mash up as I tried to explain what happened between their sharp and pointed questions they threw at me. The boys' babbling only made things even more like a dream powder sniffer's confessional. Robbie had dismounted and was checking Jonah and the boys over and then finally said he could do nothing more until he got them back. The travois was attached to Robbie's horse and one of the outriders took the boys up with him while I took the Captain and the other outrider back to the spring.

The next couple of hours only come to me in flashes. I do remember getting mad and telling the Captain that I wanted my spear back when the outrider wouldn't give it to me. The Captain's patience was understandably strained at that point and he snapped, "You can have the blasted spear back Fel when we get you to the house and checked out. It would have been more helpful," he gritted. "Had you informed us that you had been injured."

At first, as I led them to the spring they thought it was only nerves that was causing me to act loopy. They found out otherwise when the Captain took me up on his horse while the outrider hauled the bear carcass back on another travois we had built after having field dressed it and carting the innards off into the woods a ways. I kept almost sliding off the horse and it was then that the Captain discovered that all the blood on my clothes didn't belong to just Jonah and the bear. To say he was highly annoyed didn't quite do it justice.

I hadn't been thinking too clearly and must have passed out myself at some point because I came to in the cabin in my bed. I couldn't place the time or location though because all I could see was the angel with Docia's face.

Robbie had indeed promised her that she would see me and when it became so obvious to him how important it was and how much she trusted him to keep his word he determined to do it sooner rather than later.

"Oh Fel. Oh Fel. When are you ever going to learn not to take on things that are so much bigger than you are?" After assuring myself that I wasn't going mad and that Jonah and the boys were well I went back to sleep from one of her concoctions and didn't wake up until the next morning.

For nearly a week after that you couldn't separate us by more than a few feet. We laughed. We danced and pranced around. And in general acted about half our age. It made even Jonah, who at first was in a great deal of pain, smile and shake his head at our silliness. Robbie didn't even mind when Docia slept in the cabin with me and he in the main house.

Jonah's injuries were serious but not life threatening. He was fine, just knocked around more than was good for a man his age. The buxom widow became his shadow and helped Mrs. Wiley manage her brother who was not at all pleased to be told it would be a couple of weeks before he had the full use of the arm back.

Mrs. Wiley got fed up with him only once but once was all it took. "Jonah! If yer don't do as the healer says yer are going ter think that bear tapped yer with a feather. A cause when I'm done with yer …" She didn't even have to finish the threat. The fact that she was brandishing a meat clever didn't hurt her case either. I think it is a good thing that Jonah decided to mind Mrs. Wiley otherwise his hide might have joined the bear's hanging on side of the tanners shed.

As for my injuries, I was bruised and some of my muscles were strained but that was all. I only had two punctures wounds from a claw rather than rips in the skin and they were soon cleaned and patched up. I refused to be kept abed much to everyone's consternation. Docia explained that I'd only go into a nasty pout and do what I wanted anyway if I wasn't allowed up to at least try and help so everyone gave in though none too gracefully. I couldn't do a lot that first day but with Docia helping I was at least able to cut the last of the cabbage and set them for pickling.

Francine took to her bed again as a result of a nightmare she claimed was induced by the bear and the ruckus afterwards. I heard by way of Docia that Robbie was rather surprised at how she was acting and then when he had spoken with from Rubine he came to see me directly.

Docia and I were pitting cherries on the small porch of the cabin. Mrs. Wiley and the other women had shooed me away after I had nearly tumbled from one of the ladders up in the fruit tree. The kitchen boys – their names finally revealed to be Topher and Benji – tattled. They've become rather enamored of me I am afraid, especially after I had the tanner drill a hole in two of the bear claws which I then turned into necklaces for the boys.

Robbie asked if we could go into the cabin for a moment. "Sure. But it is going to be hotter than blue blazes in there."

He gave me a grin. "I know it and I wouldn't ask if I didn't want some privacy for this."

I balked until he said that he had no secrets from Docia if I wanted her to be there as well. Docia smiled brightly when he said that and she sidled up to him but waited until he made the move to show her some affection.

As we sat, me on the bed and them in the only two other places to sit besides the floor – the table chair and the rocker – Robbie got a very serious look on his face. "Fel, how often is Francine like this?"

"You mean the megrims?" At his nod I answered, "It comes and goes. When her aunts were here they pretty much had her day planned out for her and we got along very well and she was helping with the estate work. Within a week of her aunts leaving it was like all of it was too much for her, or too much to be bothered with, and she'd slid back into her old habits of moping if anyone is looking and eating sweets and reading when she doesn't think anyone is … looking I mean."

"Hmm." He looked like he was trying to find the right words to ask something.

"Robbie, ask me a question straight out. If I don't know the answer I'll tell you. If it is just my opinion I'll tell you that and why I think it. I won't rat on you if you have to ask me something … delicate. And I won't make Francine look any worse than the truth already does."

He lips twisted in a small humorous smile. "Thank you for that. I'll be honest and it is the carrying tales that I'm most concerned with. I've never had quite the same opinion of Francine as Mother has. And Father only thinks that she is immature for her age. I lean towards father's diagnosis of the problem but there are other things that lead me to believe that there are other issues in play."

"Your Da might be right," I told him. "At the same time she is a grown married woman and I too think knows more than what she lets on."

"OK, let's start with that then shall we. You seem suspicious of her … er … condition."

I nodded then shrugged. "Look, Francine is OK … not my cup of tea but Cor truly loves her and it would hurt him bad should something happen to her. I think he is going to get a wake up call one of these days and I also think he already knows that things aren't always as she tries to make them seem … at least when he isn't nursing a real affection for her … uh … assets. The thing is I'm not sure that Francine isn't doing anything but replaying what she learned as a little girl. One of her aunts revealed maybe more than she meant to when she told me that Francine's mother's fragility was more mental than physical and that she was dosed regular with relaxing teas of various strengths depending on how she was acting. I don't think the aunts did it to Francine while they were here but they seemed prepared for it just in case. Francine may be playing her role the only way that she thinks is expected of her. And face it, if she was used to some great estate with lots of people doing for her and such and coming here may have been a bit of a shock."

Thoughtfully Robbie said, "Then you concede that Francine's behavior may be legitimate, just not for the reasons she ascribes to them."

I shrugged. "I don't know if concede would be the word I would use. I think it is possible that Francine is wound too tight and having trouble playing her role. I also think that making people believe that is how it is could be part of her act. Either way it isn't healthy or helpful. She doesn't do anyone any favors; especially not herself or Cor."

He remained thoughtful and then asked, "Has anyone brought this up with Cor that you know of?"

Unwilling to give chapter and verse of our private conversations I told Robbie, "Let's just say he isn't a stupid man. But he is in love and that makes him a lunkhead about certain things. He isn't completely blind, he just isn't around enough to have to deal with the full consequences of it. People have been enabling Francine for a long time. Here it was Mary or Winnie or her aunts when they visit. Even Mrs. Wiley and I do our share by not making a fuss … it is just the fuss isn't worth the effort because nothing you do for her makes her move any faster or do the job right. Underneath all of that pretty blonde hair is a mighty stubborn woman. You cannot move her if she does not want to be moved. We all work around her the best we can without doing anything that would be hurtful to her on purpose. Or that would hurt Cor when he suffers enough as it is."

He asked a few more questions but they always came back to the same thing. He was trying to figure out why she acted as she did and I really just didn't care why, it was results that I had to deal with.

I had to say goodbye to Docia a few days later but it wasn't a sad parting. "Oh Fel, Robbie said that we'll come back when we can. He has to get back because his father asked him to teach a course at the school to the very youngest students and I … I …"

I hugged her as her face started to crumple. "Don't you dare cry Docia. Now you listen here and this is for your ears alone. If … well … if someone cared for me the way Robbie cares for you, I don't think I would want to leave them either."

Docia looked at me with a troubled expression. "I haven't wanted to ask. I haven't wanted to spoil things. Is … is it … very bad being a second wife?"

I bumped her with my shoulder. "Naw. Not the way you're thinking. We've worked that part out between us but I'm asking you not to say a word about that, not even to Robbie … understand?"

Her eyes were wide then she whispered, "You mean …?"

I whispered back with my head close to hers, "Neither one of us wants what people seem to expect from us. We've worked it out and it is only between Cor and I, not for anyone else to chew over. It's important you remember that. I trust you Docia, but I couldn't stand for anyone else to make it their business. I'm … content I suppose you could call it to have it this way. He does love Francine and is miserable thinking he is being unfaithful. And he is as strange about some things as Da was."

Docia remembered my father and nodded her understanding. Then, like she had given it quite a bit of thought she told me, "Maybe it wasn't your Da that was strange but the other men where we came from."

I gave it some thought of my own and then said, "That might explain it but that doesn't mean that Cor isn't strange all on his own." I told her the story of the fancy under things and we both wound up laughing so much her worries were wiped away.

For a day or two after she left my heart felt like it had been carved up, so much so that I thought to give being a sister to Francine one more try. She was flat out nasty in her own way saying that I hadn't been interested in her wellbeing before so why should she believe it now. I couldn't deny it but couldn't explain to her either that it was because I just didn't trust her and the reasons for those feelings; I didn't know whether she would carry the tale to her aunts or not and from them to the Lathrops we really needed to worry about. The thing that made me give up though was when she said, "Besides, what on earth would we talk about? You are only civilized half the time and only because you have to be – fighting a bear of all things instead of having the sense to let the men do that – and cannot possibly understand the finer points of conversation."

That brought me to my senses and I realized I was lonesome but that I didn't need to let my lonesome make me stupid. I had continued to work in the gardens and help Mrs. Wiley and the other women set things aside for after the season was over even when Docia was with me but now I threw myself into the work as hard as I ever had in the beginning. I refused to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Even if I had still felt a little sorry for myself after that, all the tasks that were set before us would have stolen time from that useless past time.

The cherries were a lot of work but a lot of reward as well. I had only had a few cherries in my life and those had been dried and something Da had received in payment for some fancy smithing he had done. Fresh, ripe, juicy cherries was a different thing all together though I did like them dried as well. However I did note due to my folly that eating too many just plain lacked good sense as I spent most of one night dealing with the results and being glad that the outhouse wasn't all that far off from the cabin.

Cucumbers and potatoes were the two largest crops that month though summer squash came in a close second. The potatoes were a welcome change from having rice at almost every dinner. I also showed Mrs. Wiley how to bread and fry sliced cucumbers and we added a new dish to the menu that everyone seemed to like. Most of the cucumbers though went to pickling in the giant crocks down in the cellar.

And I feasted on two more new foods as well; nectarines and plums. It turns out I had tasted plums, but in dried form from the traders that would come through. Gran had them in her medicine box and while they tasted fine they had a foul result that ruined even the thought of nibbling on them. Gramp liked them when he had a stomach problem. After he ate the dried plums we all avoided the outhouse as much as possible though it was never exactly a good place to set up housekeeping.

The flavor of nectarines was something I couldn't describe except that I knew it was fruity. As I've said before, describing the flavor of something you have never tasted before is difficult when you have very little to compare it to.

It was only the end of June and Mrs. Wiley was very pleased to be able to tell me that the cellars were filling up nicely. To make room we had to reopen the old spirits cellar – not spirits as in spooks and haunts but as in fancy liquid courage and the like – which hadn't seen use in over a decade.

In the middle of cleaning the place out I came up with another bucket of dust and cobwebs to find a commotion in the yard. Topher and Benji saw me and ran over. "Oh Miss Fel … that midwife is asking for you."

Winne's time had finally come.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

According to my Gran, once upon a time a woman could have a baby and there would be all sorts of fancy healers and midwives and lots of old tech available to fix the things that might go wrong. Having a baby didn't even have to hurt which sounds like heaven to some of the women that listened to her stories. Things still went wrong with birthings but they weren't as likely to kill the woman or baby with the tech from before the Dark Days and the skills to use it. I have a hard time believing it. I've seen a lot of girls and women die or get so ripped up that the last thing they ever wanted to do again was have something to do with baby making, some of them my own girlhood friends.

There's more than one disadvantage of getting married off young, size and inexperience are just two of the most obvious. It wasn't unusual for the men in the Outlands to have been married a couple of different times because they lose a wife in childbirth and turn around to take another so that they'd have someone to take care of the children they still had. The Headman who had been married numerous times said, "Get 'em at fourteen and they'll last enough years that you won't have to train a new one every few seasons." I wasn't the only one that hated him.

My Gran, Ma, and Docia's gran used to help take care of the women in our town … at least so long as their men would let them be helped. Supposedly it is a sign of desirable womanliness to be able to go off in the bushes and have the baby by yourself. My Ma and Gran scraped up too many dead women that listened to their men and then went off and died because of it. And I tell you what, if a man had to pass a melon through his manly parts I betcha they'd have a little more care of the issues of childbirth and what they considered desirable or womanly.

As Winnie's labor got bad and she started to have trouble I began to wonder if we were going to lose the Captain. I finally begged Jonah to bring me some of that high test rice lightning and I used it to lace a mug of rye coffee that I had sweetened with cow cream and honey.

One sip and he looked at me and said, "Am I so bad that you think you need to get me drunk?"

"It's not that Captain. You just need to relax a bit. I just don't want you to bust a vessel and then not be here when Winnie and that new baby need you." He calmed down after that but he also drank that mug of mess I fixed him.

And I will tell you, though I'm not proud of it, that I just plain knocked Francine out. She was flitting about and causing Winnie to get nervous and upset and then acting like she was going to be sick or faint herself. I finally dosed her properly as her aunts had suggested and then all but tossed her across her bed fully clothed.

In truth, I could tell Rubine and Mrs. Wiley and the village midwife – a woman named Lollie Hudson – were beginning to get worried themselves. Winnie had been in labor a full turn of the sky … twenty-four hours. The Captain was beginning to lose hope and I was afraid that Winnie was as well. Then just when Rubine was ready to do what she could to ease Winnie's passing the baby finally came unstuck and if Missus Hudson handn't have been right there I swear that baby might of shot across the room with the flight it finally took out of its Ma's birthing place.

The poor little thing had a bruised shoulder where it had gotten hung up but it was all the maneuvering that Rubine had been doing with Winnie's legs and changing her position that finally unhooked the wee girl so that she could slide on out. She wasn't blue but she sure was floppy; it took a while to get her to act like a baby ought to, she was as tuckered and breathless as her Ma.

The Captain took one look at Winnie and the baby and I swear his bones must have melted right along with his heart. Mrs. Wiley seemed to have seen a few men like this and had a chair ready to slide in under him before he hit the floor.

We were all tired and stepped lightly to keep from disturbing the new parents. Since Mrs. Wiley and Rubine were kept caring for Winnie and her needs for a few days, I took charge of the outdoor area.

I tried to keep things quiet near the house so I sent most of the children with a couple of older boys to act as guards in case there were more grizz or other hungry things in the forest to pick blackberries and blueberries. I told them to put their back into it and strip all the ripe berries each place they stopped. "And when you come back, you can take home a sack of goodies for your family."

I almost had more helpers than I needed but because the children went in groups it was safer, more got done, and it made the kids feel like they were doing something for their family. They might not realize what a lesson that is but I do. I know I'm not very old and when I call myself a grown woman some snicker even though I've got a paper that says I'm married but the fact is I am grown, certainly more grown than many my age here in this settlement where the people have it safe enough that they can afford to be soft about some things. And since I am I can look back and see how important it was to me that I helped my Da, Ma, Gran, and Gramp do for our family. I am glad and proud that I don't have to regret not having had a hand in our surviving for as long as we did. And when they were taken from me I can say it is through no fault of me not working to try and prevent it.

That's how I see my life right now, or at least some of it. On my own my life doesn't mean much. It could be my time to go and I wouldn't leave much of a dent in the road for the next storm to fill in. To give my life some meaning, to make it worth my while to keep waking up in the mornings, I need to feel connected to something bigger. Some might be content to live out in the brush and alone. I met some like that that would come to the forge to have Gramp or Da fix something of theirs or trade something they found. Most of them were men but there were a few women as well though it was hard to tell the difference with a couple of them. But that isn't me. That's not the way God made me or Da raised me.

I have to be able to do for people. I know I'm prickly and I know I have walls and boundaries that I don't like people to cross. I've got good honest reasons for the way I feel. But I do like to do for other people. As selfish as it may sound it isn't so much to make them other folks feel better though that is part of it. I'm no saintly person. Doing for other people, being part of something bigger than my personal misery, makes me feel better. It makes me forget just how miserable and angry I could be if I let myself sit down and mope.

That is one of the reasons I have a hard time understanding Francine. She is her own worst enemy. I can understand that because I am too. But this moping and holding herself back from things, setting herself so far apart that there isn't any connection at all … that I can't understand. And I think over the last couple of days I understand Francine a little more … and at the same time a little less.

Working outside so much I missed all the little dramas that were going on inside. As much as I had learned in June about all the new foods I had never seen and didn't know what to do with July was even more of that. The blackberries and the blueberries were gathered by the children and split between the estate and the families that loaned their kids for the work. Cherries continued to ripen and now that we had all the preserves and dried cherries we could handle some of the men were taking them and turning them into wine.

Winemaking used to be a big trade for the Corman family even before the Dark Days. The last few years they hadn't done much of it except for the rice lightning but the men and women of the estate and village seemed happy to start it up again. Cherries, blackberries, blueberries, plums, and nectarines that were in excess of what were needed to feed folks were sweetened and set to ferment then later to be racked and bottled.

And this month we could add raspberries and a fruit that was like a nectarine only fuzzy that I was told was called a peach. I had a hard time biting that one because the fuzz just about made my skin want to crawl off; but, it tasted as good as the nectarines.

I was listening to Jonah report to the Captain that the first of the grapes were set to be harvested the next day when I noticed the new Da looking a little ragged around the edges. After Jonah had left I asked the Captain, "New baby keeping you up at night?"

I expected he would smile but instead he seemed to hunch up on himself a bit and then he asked if I would walk with him to the area they called the front lawn though why it was called that I haven't a clue when it wasn't anything but garden and fruit trees right up to where the drive went off into the forest. When we got there I saw that it wasn't so much fatigue but worry that was plaguing the Captain.

"Fel, I do not wish to leave you with this … this …"

His lack of words more than anything told me how bad off he was. "Captain, just spit it out. We don't have to stand on ceremony and you know it is awful hard to hurt my feelings."

He gave me a small smile. "Yes and I appreciate it more than I can express, especially now." He drew a breath and then straightened himself. "Fel, I have spoken with Rubine and she agrees with me that while it is very early for Winnie and the baby to be traveling, we need to get them to the fort and under Mona's care."

I was shocked. "Is something going wrong? Has … has she got childbed fever?"

"No," he assured me. "It is not her physical health that I am currently concerned with but it may turn to that soon. I am rather afraid that our choice to support this scheme of the Council's is turning on us."

The only scheme I knew of involved me. "You mean I'm bringing trouble on you? Or has something gone wrong? Did them Lathrop cows say something?"

"No my Dear. You are bringing a great deal more than I ever imagined possible to this situation and all of it as far as I am concerned is good. This has more to do with the … the reality of the position we put you in."

Shaking my head I said, "I'm still not understanding Captain. I haven't complained, not after the first little bit anyway."

"No you haven't but Winnie and I are not completely inured to the fact that you are in a very difficult position. As much as I love the boy, I begin to see that Cor could do a great deal better than he has with Francine and not even because he sought it out. It is right under his nose and …"

Whoa. I had no intention of going there and pretending things that weren't just to make myself out to look good. "Captain, Cor and I have worked things out between us. Please don't go on so. It is what it is and we have both figured a way to live with it. It is what life has handed us. And frankly, not that I'm not appreciative that you are concerned for me and Cor, but why would that prey on your minds so?"

He put his hands behind his back and stared off to the far tree tops. "Fel, it is Francine. Winnie mentioned that you said we would understand your plight better if our child turned out to be a daughter. You could not possibly have known how right that would turn out to be. But still I believe that with the way you have chosen to handle it we could have … have been more at peace simply because we believed that is was an isolated incident of forcing that type of situation on someone."

Quietly I asked, "And now you don't?"

Just as quietly he responded, "I am as sure as I have ever been that it should be a personal choice between families and individuals, that a young woman … or man … should have the freedom to choose if that is the life for them. That neither family nor society should be able to force someone to participate, or not, in free will choice between the people involved and God. But even I admit that the women were not really given much of a choice during the Dark Days. Then it could be rationalized as a matter of survival. Today there are other options for those that care to grasp them."

"You don't care for the Lathrops' way of doing things?"

"It is not my way, no. And unlike some others, so long as I am not asked to give up my freedoms in order to support their choices, I have no problem with them practicing their chosen lifestyle. What I do not care for is the direction that some of the Lathrops are beginning to take in making it, in essence, an evangelical process that they mean to see everyone living that lifestyle¸ perhaps even 'for their own good' as it happened during the Dark Days. They are using the spread of their lifestyle as a measure of their influence and to spread their family's influence. That I cannot abide."

"Well," I said. "Isn't that what having me here is all about? To stop that idea from coming true? Cor and I are the stop gap measure, the sacrifice, until the estate can get out of debt and this Council of yours can put other things into effect that finds the balance the way it used to be."

"You are," he agreed even though I could tell he didn't like the word sacrifice at all. "And even more than in the beginning I believe that it will work. The problem is Winnie is …" He stopped, like he was bracing himself to say something he didn't care to share. "Fel …" He sighed again then finally was able to say it aloud. "Francine has been … spending too much time with Winnie and the baby. We were all happy to see Francine once again engaged in what was taking place around her but what has thrilled her and made her happy has actually destroyed some of Winnie's pleasure in having a little girl."

Becoming disturbed by the turn of the conversation I asked, "Francine's been talking? About what?"

"Her dream of the future of the Corman family. She honestly expects the estate to become a mimic of the Lathrop's lifestyle. She goes on quite at length at how wonderful it is going to be for little Rachel to grow up and be part of a multiple wife family, that she will not be lonely, overburdened, and quite a few other things that I would find insulting if I didn't know much of what she inadvertently complains about is more a function of her own behavior and choices rather than the fact that Cor does not have a multitude of other wives for her to interact with."

I was silent for a moment, chewing on the facts that he had given me. I looked at him and said, "You know Francine isn't happy. I don't know why she isn't happy. Maybe it is just that she is used to being in a big family and now she isn't. I can kind of understand that; I miss my sisters even though we aren't blood kin. But it is like she either won't or can't be happy and maybe because her life here is so different."

The Captain shook his head. "Fel I will be quite blunt. I am no longer interested in making excuses for Francine. Making herself unhappy is one thing. Frightening my wife and upsetting her when she has just experienced a difficult birth is quite, quite another."

"Winnie is that upset?"

"Rubine said that part of it is that some women sometimes take a while to return to a normal behavior pattern after the birth of a child. Winnie also has the added stressors of remembering the three babes that we lost, coming to terms with the successful birth of Rachel when she had been preparing herself for the worst, and that in addition to all of the issues of being a first time mother at her age when we had given up the idea of having a child of our own at all. But yes, Winnie is upset and Francine's thoughtless dissertations on what she expects for our daughter's future as if she will have no other options has caused my wife's nerves to be so overset that she is beginning to have trouble sleeping which affects her ability to nurse which affects her view of her ability to be a mother. It is having a domino effect. Next will be Winnie's health. While she is improving she is still fragile and Rubine is worried that there may be a tipping point which could decrease Winnie's chances of a full recovery."

The Captain was angry. He tried not to show just how angry but growing up around the kind of men that I had I'd learned to read the signs. "Well, how quick does Rubine think she can have Winnie and Rachel ready to travel? If she needs Mona, that's exactly what we'll get for her."

He looked at me and asked, "You do realize we cannot leave the estate unattended and that we cannot take Francine with us?"

"Of course I do. I'm not helpless. Besides there is Jonah and Mrs. Wiley and they care what happens. They won't just up and run away because you aren't around Captain. And you know what I don't know now I can learn."

He nodded briskly, regaining his composure. "Which is what I told Winnie. We will be leaving tomorrow of a certainty now that I am sure that you can handle things here. I'll make certain that weekly couriers are available for correspondence and I will handle any council issues directly while we reside at the fort. I will inform Francine tonight after dinner. I doubt it will be pleasant so you may wish to take your dinner in the cabin."

Sounded good to me though I was a little surprised at just how bad it got. I found out the next morning when I came to help Mrs. Wiley with breakfast and saw a wash tub full of nearly a whole stack of the good dishes that were all smashed to pieces.

"Did the boys finally drop something?!"

Mrs. Wiley giving me a pinched and outraged look shook her head and said, "Miss Francie wasn't … er … pleased fer the Captain ter say she couldn't come with 'em ter the fort or that theys wouldn't drop her off at that Lathrop estate on their way."

"Um … I've never been but it is my understanding that the Lathrop estate would be far out of the way of going between here and the fort."

She sniffed. "Yer mayn't have been there but yers not wrong."

Mrs. Wiley was beating the eggs so hard I was sure they were going to be grateful to finally see the hot skillet so I backed away and went in search of the Captain to see if maybe the plates hadn't been dropped on him first. Instead I met Rubine in the hall and she pulled me into an empty guest room. "From the look on your face you've heard."

"I knew yesterday that you would be leaving and why. The only thing I know about last night is that there is a lot of broken dishes and Mrs. Wiley can be scary with a whisk.

Rubine put her hand on her mouth and looked away. Then she looked back and I saw the smile in her eyes. "I know it is no laughing matter but … after last night I tell you it is welcome to see it from a different angle." She sighed and became serious once more. "Fel, I don't envy you. There are things going on beneath the surface in this family that …"

She stopped and I picked it up. "We'll get things set right. It just takes time. How is Francine this morning? Should …" I swallowed really not wanting to but knowing I couldn't shirk my responsibilities. "Should I go see her?"

"Don't bother. She became completely hysterical last night … we were leaving her, no one understood how hard it was, Cor had promised her, why couldn't she go to the fort, why couldn't she go to her aunts, and on and on … and I forced her to drink a sedative. As late as it was she will probably sleep until noon and we will be gone by then. I am not trained in such things but it seems to me that more than half of her behavior was self-induced."

I shrugged, "I haven't been able to figure it out either. But it isn't your problem to work out. All I want you to do, if it is my place to want anything, is for you to see to Winnie and Rachel … and the Captain too as he seemed a little ragged around the edges yesterday … and get them to the fort."

She gave me a hug, surprising me, and then said, "That I can do. I am sure the Captain will send you word once they've settled in. The Captain keeps rooms in the building he rents out to the college of midwifery so they'll have lots of help close at hand should they need it and Mona will be right there as well."

"Well that sounds like a good plan then."

She gave me another look and said, "Take care. Perhaps you are the no nonsense influence than will be what Francine needs."


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"What do you mean they left?! They left without me?!"

I sighed. I had a feeling that the Captain and Winnie had made a good escape and at that moment I really couldn't blame them. "Francine, the Captain explained this to you already."

Like a little girl upset at having missed a treat she said, "He … he couldn't have meant it."

I looked at her. "Are you sniffing dream powder? Of course he meant it. Winnie is fragile, she needs quiet and to be under Mona's care. Think for a moment will you. They had to leave and get to the fort quickly and without a lot in the way of drama or anything else."

Switching tactics she moaned, "Cor promised me …"

Refusing to bite that bait I asked, "Cor promised you what? It was already explained to you that there are no letters of credit with the merchants at the fort. It was explained to you that this is harvest season and men can't be spared to carry you places. It was explained to you that anything you could absolutely need right now can come from the estate or the village. It was also explained to you that you need to stay here and fulfill your responsibilities."

She threw the back of her wrist against her forehead and then slid gracefully into a chair and said, "It is just all too much. The stress … the loneliness … the work … no one understands. I … I just don't know what to do."

I was momentarily distracted wondering what I would look like trying to pull off a move like she just did. More than likely I would wind up in a heap on the floor with everyone laughing their loin cloths off. I sighed. "Francine, do not try and fool me. Trust me when I tell you you will have to be a much earlier bird if you want to catch that worm. You pressured Cor into taking a second wife to address all the issues you are still complaining about. I heard the stories and now I've witnessed the facts. You even worked it out behind his back and he returned to an unwanted proxy marriage that still has him up in arms except for the fact he loves you so and wants you to be happy. So here I am. I'm doing all of the work that you normally would have done." I did not say if she could be bothered to actually do it because I thought it was obvious and wouldn't create any productive discourse. "You have no more excuses. From here on out you have to pick a different tune to sing."

"You have no idea how difficult my life has been. A fragile mother who left me too early. Married too young to a man that …"

"Ohhhhh noooooo," I laughed. "No one forced this marriage on you. You were free to say no or yes. There's no excuse as far as not knowing Cor because you've known him since you were both children."

Desparately she tried to continued her litany. "I'm too young for …"

"Francine," I told her trying really, really hard not to laugh. "You're twenty years old. I'm sixteen, won't be seventeen until nearly the turn of the year. That means that you are four years older than I am. And you've been married two full years. Are you trying to tell me in all that time you couldn't have figured out some of this stuff?"

Getting irritated at my lack of the so-called finer sensibilities she said, "Under proper circumstances there would have been an older woman to guide me through all of this."

"Oh puhleeeeze. You married Cor knowing he intended you to be his only wife. You certainly knew you were his first wife."

She sniffed delicately. "I did not know how tragically difficult this would all be."

I rolled my eyes and tried to find the humor or I was going to be seriously considering dosing her so full of tea she slept until Cor came home. "Francine if I'm too old to act like a child, you certainly are. Think will you? What happens when you have a child of your own to raise? Are you going to get up to all of these strange starts then? And as far as tragic, the only thing tragic about this situation is that you are wasting precious time feeling sorry for yourself when you could be learning and doing and just impress Cor all to pieces when he comes home."

"Is that what you are doing?" she snapped. "Trying to impress Cor? Your language certainly has improved since you've been exposed to me. But that is the only thing that has improved. I can tell you for a fact he isn't particularly impressed by the rest of your Outland ways."

I refused to be pushed around. "Well, if you hadn't gone and tried to pick someone for him then maybe he would have found someone more to his liking but since you took it out of his hands I guess you are the one to blame for that aren't you?"

She then tried the crying pitifully routine. "Oh you are so horrid. I want my Aunt Muriel. She is the only one who understands me."

"Be careful what you ask for," I told her with gritted teeth which caused her to look up. "Your aunts told me what I should do if you start showing the same nervous issues as your mother. I don't believe you are that fragile mentally – and I would hate for Cor to get the idea that he might have to …"

I saw a look in her eyes I hadn't meant to put there. She was afraid. It struck me then that for all the fact that it was true that Francine was twenty she didn't really want to grow up and take a leading role here at the estate. She didn't want the responsibility because in a real sense she was frightened of it. She learned to enjoy the attention her mother received but why she received it and perhaps what some of those attentions were wasn't something that Francine included in her view of herself.

But the fact was that Francine had made her bed and now she must lie in it. For all intents and purposes she all but made my bed too. I had to remind myself not to forget just what she was capable of even if she had no idea of the consequences of her actions. I sighed and tried to put my anger to the side. "Francine, the time for playing at being married is over with. This is serious business. People are counting on us to take care of them, not the other way around. You are going to have to choose. Your aunts can't help you with this anymore, they never could do it for you. It is passed time for you to start helping yourself."


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Toward the end, some of my Gran's days were really bad. As awful as how she died was, I don't think she actually regretted dying all that much. She was ready. None of the rest of us was but she seemed to be. My Da used to joke with her and say, "For an Outlander you sure are unnaturally cheerful." Gran would smile and say, "Humor is about the only thing that gets a body through their time here on Earth when life rolls along like a broken wagon wheel." The longer I live, the truer I find that to be.

The next few days after the Captain and Winnie left I came to realize you just can't change people. You can either learn to like them for who they are, or who they aren't. You can love them in spite of something or despite something or because of something. You can even try and help them to make themselves more "lovable." But until they are willing to help themselves you might as well be falling in love with the moon and talking to the wind. By trying to change people to make them lovable for you, you just make the same mistakes they do of thinking the world revolves around you and what you want.

A part of me had come to want so much to find a replacement for my sisters in Francine but the more realistic portion was beginning to learn that I was just going to have to forego that and accept Francine for who she was. It wasn't my place to show anyone who I saw her as; they would either see it or not. It wasn't for me to understand why Cor loved Francine like he did; I just needed to understand that he did. I needed to do what the Padre said and take care of the log I had in my own eye instead of telling other people they had splinters in theirs.

So I let Francine be Francine. I didn't try and tug her out of bed or out of her lonely sitting room. I didn't tell her that she shouldn't dose herself with those teas she was forever sipping on "for her nerves and headaches." I didn't force my company on her after she started taking her meals in her rooms; I ate in the kitchen to save the work of having to mess up an entire room when it was only me that would be in there.

Besides it was more fun to have my meals with everyone else. I might not have been completely part of the family of estate people but I wasn't completely on the outside anymore either. It made me feel a part of things. There were empty places in my life I knew that in a sense would always be there so I did the best I could to go about filling in around the holes so that they didn't feel quite so big. If I couldn't have a real husband or my sisters around me I'd find something else. If I couldn't birth a family of my own then I would create one from what there was around me. I would have to walk a careful line but then again my sisters and I had been forced to walk carefully or be torn asunder.

I learned a lot sitting and listening to the estate people. I learned about their families, the geography of the area, the history of folks other than those called "First Families." I learned that it was sometimes difficult to find brides because of how closely everyone was related, especially in the smaller farming outposts. I learned that old tech had still been pretty common until about fifty years ago. It wasn't really used in individual homes but in "libraries" and "communication centers" so that it could be shared by all. Then there was a huge storm in the sky and most of it just stopped working.

"It hurt some families more'n others but truth be told a lot of us had been forced to give up the old tech by the time the Sky Storm came anyway. The old stuff had started to wear out before the Dark Days were over with. There are places that still build tech, but it is on a small scale and they're using parts harvested by the scavengers, not really making their own. 'Tis how Young Cor started out before he got enough coin to get into other bartering. Scavenging is dangerous work and takes yer ter places like hot zones and graveyard cities. Yer can make a living at it but better do it quick and enjoy it as fast as you can because you'll die afore too long. Never was so relieved when Young Cor gave it up."

That sentiment was echoed all around the table. It told me even if they were disappointed in some of Cor's lack of training and response to their needs, they still considered him integral to the estate and important in their lives. It meant there was hope for both sides of that cypher. I deemed it my job to give Cor time to pay off the debts and secure the estate while at the same time making sure the people of the estate were taken care of or at least listened to.

It was about a week after the Captain had left that I received a letter by courier. The man said he was told that it was to be delivered into my hands alone. I noted that the packet had been sealed with wax and stamped.

I asked, "Do you need to head out right away or do you have time to grab a bite to eat?"

The man stopped, looking a bit surprised. "Well, trufe be Mistress … well … I could use sumping to eat. Been cutting across a couple of different estates for the last few days and the weather hasn't been good for a fire so me meals have been slim."

"Well then you've got to the right place on the right day," I told him. "Mrs. Wiley fixed a blackberry cobbler to go with the rice and beans we had for lunch. There is also some fried squash or baked cucumber slices that I think are delicious. And I'm sure Jonah can make sure that you get the right … um … beverage for your meal."

He grinned and then said, "Thank ee Mistress. Most kind of yers."

I led him around to the back of the house and Jonah came forward eyeing the man suspiciously until the man produced the badge that showed him to be an official Kipling Courier. I debated whether to open the packet immediately but decided to wait until I was finished braiding the wreath of hot peppers that I had been working on before Topher had fetched me.

I had finished up and was looking for the next half done task when Jonah pulled me aside. "Gilly, not that in the end it didn't turn out all right, but yer should have more care for yer safety. Yer is right when yer say that Kipling ain't the Outlands but it still ain't always safe as a cradle. Thet boy should have knowd better and gotten me or one of the other men afore he bothered yers."

"Jonah?" His attitude had completely caught me off guard. "You've seen me fight a bear … or you would have if you hadn't been knocked out. You don't really think I walk around unarmed do you?"

"Yeah I know yer keep that little sticker o' yers close ter hand and thets a good thing. But yer jest never knows so yer just let us men make sure afore yer go gallivanting and having talks with strangers."

I felt like he was being a little silly but he was so serious and so honest about it I had a hard time telling him to go to hades which is likely what I would have said to anyone else if they had tried to rein me in like that.

Before I could look at the packet I helped with the tomatoes. Tomatoes were something I knew and knew well. Gran, whose ancestors had immigrated into Saburbia from the south during the Dark Days, had grown them in abundance. I had taught Mrs. Wiley and the other estate women how to make salsa by the gallon; a real hit that livened up some of the duller dishes like plain white rice. I also taught them how to make tomato preserves and tomato beer.

After Jonah had a sip of the first batch to finish he said, "Bain't like rice lightning but not ter bad on a hot day likes terday."

That was the consensus of almost everyone and it also helped us to use up the unexpected abundance before they went overripe; it was getting hard to keep up with everything, the more we picked the more the plants produced. To make tomato beer you mash up ripe tomatoes and then strain them through a thin cloth to take out all the skin, seeds, and most of the pulp. For every gallon of this juice you add three pounds of brown sugar. Mix it up real good and then let it stand for nine days. All of the remaining pulp will have fallen to the bottom by that time and you want to siphon off the clear liquid that sits on top. Well, not clear because it is still tomato juice but the watery part that the pulp has separated from. You take this watery juice and bottle it up tight. When you are ready to drink it you take a half tumbler full and add it to a gallon of cold water … spring or well doesn't matter. Sweeten it some more if you want to and you can even add a little cider vinegar for some whang. Each batch of tomatoes comes out a little different so you have to learn to play with it to create the flavor you want.

The potatoes also started coming in that day and we were all tired. Supper was a quiet affair and then we all went our separate ways. Mrs. Wiley shooed me from the house saying, "Go on Gilly. The boys have already fetched Miss Francie's tray down so there's no need fer yer ter stay. Jonah's widder friend is trying to curry some faver with me and I've a mind to have a talk with her to see if she be true serious about my brother before he gets his fool old heart broke. Whoever heard of a man his age falling in love fer the first time. Honestly, might jest hang him on the side of the tanner's shed and get it over with." She sighed. "Might as well do the talkin' over a tub o' dishes as anything else. 'Sides, I know yer itchin' to see what the Cap'n has to say."

I thought about objecting for half a second but instead told her, "Thanks Mrs. Wiley. I'm not quite as curious as a cat but it's pretty close." She laughed and shooed me with her broom and I headed to the cabin feeling tired but satisfied that we'd accomplished so much that day.

It was too hot to light a fire but I could have done with a cup of tea. I wouldn't have minded a cup of willow tea in particular to take the thump out of my foot where one of the boys had dropped a bucket of potatoes they had been passing along. I almost decided to chew a piece of the dried bark and then just the thought of the taste was enough to make me realize my foot didn't hurt near as much as I imagined it did.

Still, I thought it a good idea to take my moccasins off and prop my feet up on the overturned bucket that I used like a foot stool. I held the packet in my hand for a moment feeling the weight of it and then broke the wax, untied the string, and began to read.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

The cover letter was from Winnie, surprising and pleasing me a great deal. It was all about how they had arrived and settled in and were doing well, how she and baby Rachel were both gaining strength, and for none of us to worry.

It was short but reassuring; however, the next note in the stack came from the Captain and told how Winnie's nerves were still rattled but she seemed calmer so long as you didn't bring up the subject of second wives or the Lathrops.

"Fel, this sojourn here at the fort may take longer than I expect and not simply because Winnie is having a rather difficult reaction to the situation that we've already discussed. The Lathrops have been busy. In my absence from the fort, and from the council, certain events have taken place that I won't bother to explain because they wouldn't really mean anything to you. Their result however is to have even more thoroughly divided the council, even causing some division within the families themselves. Some is a result of what I consider to be bully tactics where the Lathrops are using their status as primary fuel producer in Kipling to force families to take sides. Some is a result of foolishness where others believe if they support the Lathrops now they will curry favors for later. While this sounds bad for us, the reality is that forcing people to choose sides does not mean that they always choose the side you desire them to. We now have allies that we did not have before and some that were trying to stay neutral are beginning to understand that the Lathrops will not, in the end, allow neutrality."

"What has also come to the attention of some is that all is not as harmonious as the Lathrops are making Cor's proxy marriage out to be. I have intentionally refused to say ill of Francine but at the same time several that have met you have had good to say about your influence. Do not take this the wrong way but I must say I am surprised as Outlanders … well, we will not dwell on that. Your sisters have gone a long way towards adjusting people's attitudes about those from west of the Mississippi."

"Now for the difficult news. You will be receiving visitors from various families during the coming weeks, perhaps up until the snow flies unless Cor returns earlier than expected. On the surface these visits are strictly for courtesy's sake. Out of necessity Cor and Francine's marriage was quiet and small. Cor didn't have the funds or the time for a lavish honeymoon trip which is usually used to introduce the new couple around to the other First Families. Now with his second marriage, and this one by proxy, there has been some argument that the visits are needed to cement approvals and other meaningless social flotsam."

"You will need to work this out with Francine. You must try to at least appear to work in harmony. I imagine that right about now that may be the last thing you wish to concern yourself with but the estate cannot afford to offend anyone even if it is for what I personally view as a waste of time and funds. Usually the estates having the visitors try and use it as an opportunity to showcase their particular specialties. Speak with Jonah, he will bring you up to speed. I cannot offer any dates at this time as I suspect that visits will be used much like a pop inspection to ascertain the true situation at the estate. The first visitors will be the most critical, as well be the last ones I suspect. I will send word as soon as I hear anything definitive."

"If you get into any difficulties send a rider to the fort and we will try and manage a maneuver or two of our own. At the very least I expect weekly reports so that I can stay apprised of what is occurring on the estate, who visits, when, for how long. I should have thought of this and discussed it with you before I left but I allowed my worry for Winnie to override everything. Hopefully we can carry out a campaign that will prevent further incursions by those cursed Lathrops."

For a moment I gave into the luxury of panic then I kicked myself for being a fool. "They are just people Fel. So they might be a different kind of people than what you are used to but since you haven't heard of any people eaters here in Kipling your worries are only as big as you make them."

The situation did leave me feeling a little lonely. I had no one here that I could discuss all the layers of it with. Jonah would hopefully understand some of it. Mrs. Wiley would hopefully understand the meat and potatoes of having so many visitors come through. I knew I would have to speak with Francine about handling the people as they came through as I couldn't just sit around entertaining folks all day long when there was so much work to do. But the bottom layer, the real reasons why all of this had to be pulled off successfully, I had no one to speak with about it. The closest would have been Cor and he was off saving the estate and I wished him luck at it. As far as I was concerned, the sooner he saved it the sooner my neck came up off the chopping block.

I tossed and turned all night and was not looking forward to cornering Francine about visitors we were expecting, especially as I didn't know when the first one would arrive. At the breakfast table I announced the proposed visits and everyone froze looking at me.

I shook my head. "It's not my idea. Apparently the estate has suddenly become due some past due attention by the other families of Kipling." Turning to Jonah I said, "The Captain wasn't real specific but he said that you would know what he meant when we were supposed to 'show case' the specialties of the estate."

The man snorted. "And here I was all set to have a good day."

I asked him, "The visits are bad news?"

After a look around the table he said, "Not supposed to be Gilly. Supposed to be all friendly like but … well … with things being like they are …"

I smiled. "And how are they? The cellars are getting full to bursting. The rice and cotton crops are well on their way to being bumpers. The smokehouses are filling. And we aren't dependent on the other estates for the farm equipment fuel or fuel for our lamps." I continued looking around the house. "A speck of dust or lent wouldn't dare land anywhere near Mrs. Wiley because it knows its life would be forfeit. The village is getting well turned out too. What more could they possibly want to see."

Jonah rubbed his ear and then said, "An heir. Doesn't matter if it be boy or girl right now though they'd prefer a boy for the namesake."

My mouth got dry as we all knew for a fact, the way that a close household does where everyone's laundry is mixed, that a baby wasn't in the making in the moment. "Well, that is certainly none of their business. And if they weren't all in such a hurry to get paid back it would have probably gotten taken care of some time ago. I can't exactly make one appear out of thin air so let's focus on what we do have."

Mrs. Wiley nodded briskly, "Good sense Gilly. We can feed 'em both plain and fancy using what we grow here on the estate. Show 'em we don't need 'em as much as they think we do. Maybe throw some of them recipes yer been showing us. Jonah, you know the ones that likes to drink. The heavy drinkers you can dose 'em with rice lightning, them that are more picky can get a dibble of whats we been stashing in the spirits cellar onct its ready. A couple o' the real high flyers we can dose with the old stuff that was bottled when Young Cor was a boy."

Jonah's buxom widow added, "We can show off ther textiles too. My oldest boy is a worker out to the paper mill. I can send word that we need lots o samples of the prettiest stuff and the coarse ever day stuff. They cans be sat around or folded inter pretty flower shapes. I used ter do it fer Young Cor's mam."

Other people around the table added more bits and pieces and a basic plan was made. Now it was time for me to deal with Francine. And it proved considerably less difficult than I had expected.

"Well, it's about time," she said.

"Excuse me?"

Sighing and waving a fan made of painted rice paper she said, "Of course you wouldn't know but this is what is proper and right. My aunts were actually quite offended on my behalf that I received so few visits from the other families and it certainly hasn't been rectified since then. But if you said the Captain … and why would he be writing to you anyway?"

I can dance real fast when I need to … and sometimes I just don't care to. "Does it matter Francine? He gave the information we needed. You handle these guests since you seem to know how to play lady of the manor. I'll keep things running smoothly as possible in the background. Deal?"

She himmed and hawed and then finally said, "It is what Cor would want."

I told her "Most likely."


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

August is a sweltering month even for an Outlander like me. Breathing is like what Gran and Ma would do when my little brother Georgie would get the croup. They'd put a pot of water on to boil and then put a blanket over him and the pot so he'd have to breathe the steam in to loosen the junk up in his chest and throat. August is like breathing steam without having to put a cover over your head; with no place to run and escape it except down into the lowest reaches of the cellars and basement of the house and outbuildings. As bad as it was, at least I wasn't all cooped up in the house with a bunch of self-important, nosey, busy bodies like Francine was. I swear if she wasn't so happy I would feel sorry for her.

Not only is the month sweltering, it is busy. The last of the blueberries were picked the first week of the month. Even though the season started early there were still some left even into August if you knew where to look and by this time the estate children were expert harvesters and knew just where to look. I had them leave the berries that were in the deepest parts of the forest for the animals. My reasons were that I was hoping that by leaving the animals a share that it would draw them away from the estate and the farms at least long enough for us to harvest the vineyards and orchards that everyone had worked so hard on. The last thing I wanted was for a grizz or some similar beasty to work its way closer to the animal pens and the houses and outbuildings of the estate.

Even harvesting as we did we still had some trouble. Dogs can only do so much. I'd never seen such a collection of animals come in where the boys and girls acted as sentries. The raccoons that live around here are fat and almost too lazy to be bothered to hide during the day compared to the mean and scrawny ones that I used to peg for Gran and Ma. Mostly the coons seemed to like the melon patches but they weren't averse to climbing the fruit trees or yanking down thorny fruit canes to get at what they wanted.

And if it wasn't coons or possums or squirrels it was deer in the precious corn crop or smaller animals like ducks, black birds, and ravens in the other grains. We were eating well just trying to keep nature from taking over the gardens, orchards, and fields.

We did still get our share out of the garden however. I had my face buried in a slice of watermelon making the children laugh as they taught me to spit the seeds when our first set of visitors arrived. What a mash up that was. Not only was there a family to feed and house but their outriders and other attendants had to be taken care of as well. I got out of most of the hoopla except for the evening meal.

I kept as quiet and in the background as I could manage but when they asked me a direct question I couldn't help but answer. "Really Mistress Fel, don't you miss Captain Uhl taking care of the paperwork for the estate?"

I don't know where that boy-man learned to talk but he sounded more like the headman's wife than the headman. I gave him a half smile and shrugged but then turned to his Da and said, "We don't always get to pick and choose our responsibilities. The Captain has familial responsibilities as well as responsibilities with the council. There are weekly reports detailing events and activities here at the estate and on the farms. There are experienced members of the estate that lend me their expertise. The Captain, of course, is available for any unusual situation that might arise that cannot be handled in his absence."

A bit more conversation ebbed and flowed around me and I was making plans for my nightly escape when the elderly gentleman that traveled with them – an uncle of some type – brought something to everyone's attention, "Mistress Fel, I saw today that you converse quite comfortably with the estate staff. And here tonight I see you quite ably avoiding some of the rudder statements by my grandnephew while remaining exceedingly polite." The grandnephew in question looked like he'd have a thing or three to say to his uncle if he could ever find the courage. "Yet we are supposed to believe that you come from the Outlands."

Statements that weren't a question yet nevertheless seem to require an answer. I sighed and sat back in my chair and gave him the simplest answer I could without revealing anything he wanted to know. "Different people, different circumstances, different settings require different responses. You people are unused to the rough ways of the Outlands. You are guests here at the Corman estate. I do not wish to embarrass Francine and Cor - nor the Captain and Winnie - all of whom have accepted me and given me their confidence. Therefore, when in polite society I behave politely. However, I am perfectly capable of behaving … less politely … should the situation warrant it."

Strangely enough the old man started chuckling and then outright laughing. "Touché Mistress Fel. Touché. Now, tell me more about how the winemaking is going. You mentioned that the primary liquor in your area had been something called Mescal … made from a plant called agave. I've had it and was not particularly impressed. I've always kept a bottle of Corman rice wine in my cabinet since I was a lad my nephew's age but I hear that you are bringing some of the other varieties back into production."

The old bushel britches was really just wanting to see if he could be first to get in on the new stock of spirits we were putting back. Would have been a lot easier if he had simply said so than dancing around it and snooty. But that's people for you. Why make something easy when you can complicate it all out of proportion?

They left after nearly a week only to be replaced by another family. These were mostly men with only two young women with them and a different sort of people from the first group. The girls were not starchy at all and kind of nice, but silly enough to be irritating for me to talk to when all I could think about was work that I was wasting time being away from. I left them to Francine and they all got along well. The men I took hunting several days running just to keep them from being bored and grumpy. Jonah always came with us and it was he that told me that the unmarried son of the family was a boyhood friend of Cor's.

"You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard that Cor had taken another wife."

I know I should have been offended but it wasn't worth it. I wasn't sure if the man – his name Luke Jackson – meant it how it came out or not. "Why is that Mr. Jackson?" I asked as I continued to cut down cattails to bring back to Mrs. Wiley so that we could add another starch besides potatoes or rice to the table.

"Well," he said finally having the sense to think about what he was saying before he fell out of his mouth. "I suppose that might have sounded rude but really he was just always in love and completely snout over tail with Francine and … uh … that … I mean … hmmm …"

I shook my head and realized that Cor's friends were even more ham-fisted with their words than he was. They all still seemed to have a lot of boy attached to them compared to men of the same age where I came from. "He is still head over hills for Francine."

"But … er … he married you too … um …"

I looked at him and said, "It is a proxy marriage Mr. Jackson and you well know it. Cor was given no choice in the matter. It was either that or … or consequences for the estate that he has devoted his whole life to avoiding." I shook my head, part of me irritated with the fact that people seemed blind to the reality Cor and I had been force to face. Turning back to the man I said, "Cor chose responsibility over personal preference. And that is as far as I will go to satisfy you curiosity on the subject. I would prefer not to carry this conversation any further."

I started to walk away but he grabbed my arm. Had I felt the least bit threatened I would have scalped him then and there as I did not appreciate being manhandled. He saw the look on my face and dropped his hand like he'd grabbed a hot skillet. "Sorry … just don't … I didn't mean to …" He stopped talking and then really looked at me. "Cor and I have been friends our whole lives. I never understood his … infatuation … with Francine. She's a nice girl but … I don't know … just not my type. I was surprised to hear that family of hers let her marry someone they hadn't chosen for her to be honest. But looking at you and knowing Cor … you just don't seem his type at all … and I have to say it even if it does sound insulting, but I don't mean it that way. I just don't … it just doesn't seem like him to … to …" He faltered not knowing how to continue.

I gave him look for look. He may have been ham-fisted but at least he'd been honest enough with his questions. Finally I answered him, "I refuse to be insulted by the truth Mr. Jackson. You are correct. I'm not Cor's type. Anyone that knows him at all will know that. I wish you had talked to Cor about this yourself. Perhaps if more people had stood with him then maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he wouldn't have been forced into something so … so alien to what his life was meant to be. But we are well beyond being able to change things, they are what they are. Cor and I have worked out a way to live with the situation. It is not our problem that other people now can't understand how we live with what they stood by and allowed to be done to us."

He nodded with a serious look on his face and in his eyes and said, "I … I think I'll look Cor up when he gets back. See how he's doing. It's been too long and I'd like to rectify that."

There was a brief lull when the Jackson family took their leave and I was thankful for it. The apples and pears were coming in and they added an enormous amount of work on top of trying to find something constructive to do with the last of the fruit like nectarines, peaches, and raspberries. And to get away from the house and Francine's complaints of being bored with no company to keep her entertained I went harvesting in the woods with the children and they taught me about wild black cherries, ground cherries, mayapples, mulberries, pawpaws, and ground nuts. I dug peppermint plants and trimmed them to dry for tea and then replanted the clumps around the cabin to fill in the empty spots. Sumac, lambs quarter, and sweet flag also came home in my basket.

Every day it seemed we added a crock of cucumbers in the cellar, pickled squash, and then began to add dried corn and cornmeal by the sack. I ate fresh tomatoes to my heart's content – like some ate the apples – and what didn't get used fresh was used to make tomato juice, tomato sauce, salsa, and tomato preserve. We dried no small amount of all of the produce, keeping the large drying shed full to bursting with no let up. And if a fly flew too close to the wineshed it seemed unable to go in a straight line for several minutes afterward.

Great wagon loads of grapes were brought in every morning and it was a joy to watch the faces of the men and women in charge of that operation. A lot of grapes made it to the table as well and I don't think we'll run out of raisins until the Mississippi decides to run east and west. As a matter of fact so much food was so handy that I was "sampling" in between meals. I wasn't used to that much access to food with little to no restriction. Suddenly my boney areas were getting padding and I was struggling to keep everything covered.

I was putting another crock in the cellar when I discovered that I couldn't raise my hands as far over my head as I used to. I finally figured out why and let go a rather rude word.

"Gilly!" Mrs. Wiley said in pseudo shock. "Yer may be grown and married ter Young Cor but I hear such a word from you again and I jest might feed you cleaning paste for ter clean yer mouth with."

I snorted. "Jonah says it all the time and you don't wash his mouth out."

"Use ter. But then I had ter do it so often he grew ter like it and it weren't no use no more. No whats the matter thets put you in such a foul mood."

I sighed and tried to wiggle the shirt comfortable again and she figured it out before I had to explain it. "Ah ha, thet leather shirts giving yer fits. Noticed ta other day it were looking a bit snug."

Irritated I said, "I don't have time for this."

"No, yer don't. And why should yer when we can make yer up a nice cotton blouse in less'n half the time it would take to cut and sew another like the one yer have."

"I like my leathers," I whined. "They're mine. I made them. And besides, I'm an Outlander and …"

"Yer were an Outlander. Now yer belong to Kipling … and ter the Corman estate in particle … ter us. Tis no crime to put aside something in faver of something else when it jest plain makes sense. 'Sides, if yer wish ter keep them infernal leathers, jest split it and use it as a vest or jacket. It look like it just be the chest were it is growing too small."

I looked down and realized she was right. Somehow or other I was finally looking like a woman and not like a flat chested pole. I growled, "At least my skirt still fits."

"That's a cause it is just a wraparound tie up. My mam used ter be fond o that style too. Leaves room for a growing belly when yer is with child."

I squawked, "I'm not with …"

She laughed. "Yer take on so about the strangest things Gilly. Let's go get yer measured. The women will be fightin' over who gets ter fix what. They's always complainin' that our Gilly won't let anyone do fer her."

By the next morning there wasn't one, not two, not even three … but five blouses waiting for me to try on. It was so strange and I didn't know what to make of it. But as soon as I had gotten over my snit I realized I was being foolish and the cotton blouses were much more comfortable though it meant more laundry as they showed sweat and dirt much more than the leather ever had.

It was especially nicer in the evenings when I would sit and write the reports to the Captain. Each week he would respond, congratulating us on how well things were going and share what news he could.

"Rachel is a wonder. I've begun to forget what my life felt like before my daughter came into this world. Certainly it was less colorful … and less noisy. Winnie is so much better that I have hopes of returning to the estate once the weather cools. For now it is still better if she does not have to deal with the realities of so many guests and what their purpose is. She still becomes agitated when the subject that we avoid speaking of comes up but not to the same extent she did when we first arrived here at the fort."

"I am gratified to report that the estate's reputation has not been hurt in the least by the two sets of visitors. Quite the contrary in fact though I try not to insert myself into such conversations when I hear them. I prefer to let nature take its course."

"A rather strange thing has happened. Luke Jackson sought me out here and I was quite surprised to see him. He and Cor were as close as brothers before the marriage, even going on a few early runs together. We had a nice chat and he admitted that his father and older brother were quite impressed by how things are being run at the estate. It may be slightly different than in recent history but the results are more than sufficient to show that it has been a needed change."

"Frankly my dear I am not sure how to broach this next subject except crudely. As you are well aware women of suitable age are not numerous in the settlement. As I am sure you are also aware given how you handled the troops that were with me when you first came to Kipling, young men can be rather single minded on certain subjects. Luke Jackson isn't the only man to mention that it is a shame that Cor has two fine young women as their wives when they have none but he has been the first to have done so in such a way that makes me think that perhaps he could be a serious suitor for your hand."

"By that I mean that it is not beyond some men to perhaps pursue you – or Francine – for themselves. While I am aware that you and Cor are far from a love match you and he both agreed to the commitment of marriage and it would be unwise to allow any of the men to believe that they have a chance in changing that."

"Please do not be insulted by my warning as I mean no harm or disrespect to you. In fact it is a testament to you that so many, on such short notice, would have the temerity to say anything to me at all. And Luke, for all he is a bit wild, is a fine young man from a good family that have stood friends with the Cormans for many years. I know the situation was not of your choosing or Cor's but I would not like to see either of you hurt should you, perhaps, develop feelings for someone else in his absence."

The letter continued on a bit and then closed again with "I mean no insult" and some more kind words trying to make me feel better because he was basically saying I needed to be careful not to act like a saloon girl. I was mad for a long while until I calmed down enough to see his side of it. It didn't make me feel much better that someone would think I'd do such a thing, but on the other hand I put it down to the Captain maybe finding out he was more upset at what he'd let happen on his watch than he'd figured on being. Maybe Winnie wasn't the only one thinking about their daughter's possible future.

There were things I had come to accept were out of my reach. To be reminded of that hurt a bit and made me angry all over again. At the same time I'm pretty sure I believe the Captain is only looking out for my best interest in his own way and just being clumsy about it. It was a bad place to be in but I've been in bad places so much in life I eventually just shrugged it off and let it go as nothing particularly new. Lord knows I'd had men take an unwanted attention to me in the past with no expectation of being treated honorably. And Luke Jackson may have been a grown man in body but he still seemed to have some growing up to do if he thought he could just look at a gal and she'd toss all of her personal honor over the cactus heap just to be with him.

I just hope I don't have too much of that nonsense get in the way further down the road. It is hard enough to keep up the problems I already have without people wanting to add more to the pile.


	29. Chapter 29

_**Chapter 29**_

September starts the weather change in this part of the land, or so I am told. The first of the month started as hot as August had ever been but soon mellowed and became pleasant; a welcome change from sweating out my sheets every night; forcing me to hang them up every morning to keep them from turning sour.

The weather might have been pleasant but other things were not. I grow tired of the endless parade of visitors. There is far too much work to waste time playing at all this entertaining even if I do understand the reason behind it. I just don't understand how any of them get their work done gallivanting all over the territory. I understand that the Corman estate along with the Jackson estate are two of the most agrarian families and therefore have more work in the summer than say Acer estate that primarily operates the printing and bookbinding equipment near the fort.

For us winter is the time to relax – or at least take longer breaks – and make time for visiting. Francine has shrugged off my complaints and says that winter is the time several estates do the majority of their work. The Dunellons who work mines melt lead into bars while they also operate coal mines and an old diamond field. The Richelieu estate provides high skill in metalwork of all types and are in partnership with the Dunellons to whom they are closely related to; both families mine iron ore as well as trade for it from other territories. The Havertys are a small artisan estate that specializes in glass, clay, and specialized carpentry. The Kim and O'Reilly families are weavers of cloth and other fine textiles.

Each estate seems to have a specialty that makes them a vital part of the whole. Now that I see the bigger picture I begin to understand why that controlling Council has been so concerned with the estates that are in danger of ceasing to exist. Yes, there is a bloodline factor to it but there is also the very real worry that losing a part makes the whole weaker, of not having anyone left that is trained in the trade. But understanding their motivations does not mean I agree with their chosen solutions. I still get angry and struggle with what has happened to me; and lately it has been hard not to direct that anger at the people who are interfering with what I am trying to accomplish.

I can't demonize the whole lot of them though I am sorely tempted to. Some of the guests have been nice but most are just irritating and nosy or puffed up with their own consequence. A few like to stare down their noses at the Outland savage but I suppose I have to admit there are only a few that are quite that bad and the ones that are seem to be women with sons who need to marry. Seems to me that if they were so all fired concerned with the kind of females their sons brought home that they'd be the ones going out to hunt them up for them. But I guess that would be too logical for the likes of them.

And yes, as the Captain warned, a few men have given me attentions that made me uncomfortable. Compared to what I had to deal with back in my town all of but one or two are nothing but puppies but there were a couple that I came close to giving violence after their hands went places there was no excuse for them going. One did wake up after being dumb enough to get drunk and wander out to the outhouse only to find out he'd gotten locked in for the night. Who's to say just how it happened; drunks are awful stupid most of the time and can't remember half of what all they get up to when they are in that condition.

I debated but then felt forced to mention to Francine what I was dealing with.

"Yes," she sighed. "It is a problem."

Surprised I almost yelped, "They've bothered you?!"

Having some man hassle me wasn't new and I had learned from long and often bitter experience how to deal with it. She looked at me with an understanding I hadn't expected and it for a fact startled me for than a little bit. "Fel there are too few women in Kipling and the surrounding territories in general. More specifically there are nowhere near enough women for male offspring of the first families. That's the only reason they'd be so desperate they would bring in females from places as far away as the Outlands and the Southern Region where it is well known people aren't much above savages." I rolled my eyes at that but let it go. Her idea of what was savage and my idea were so different it almost couldn't be measured. "One pair of brothers went clear to the Nevada Coastline to get themselves suitable brides a few years ago. It took them five years but when they did come back with a few other women besides – you haven't met them as they are related to the Keystones who hold land in the far northeast corner of our territory. That incident is what initially encouraged the council to seek available females beyond this side of the Mississippe."

Well it was nice to know such a cockamamie plan hadn't materialized out of thin air. Oblivious to my opinion she added, "Just because our Kipling men are civilized doesn't mean that they don't suffer from the same urges as the men you've been exposed to. Ours are better trained but that doesn't mean they don't occasionally give in to their baser instincts. Men are men and very few seem capable of rising above their natural born desires. Elder Lathrop is one of the few who has always risen above some behavior - I wish you could meet him Fel as it is hard to explain to someone of your limited experience - and I measure all other men by the example he sets."

I wasn't sure what to make of that last part. I wanted to ask how Cor measured up next to her Saint Lathrop but some things are none of my business thank goodness. It was enough for me not to have to worry about Francine's honor as well as my own. Seems she knows what to look for and what to avoid. I wasn't foolish however; I asked Mrs. Wiley to make sure there was always a widow or other older lady present to be an extra set of eyes and ears.

The other unpleasant factor of having so many guests is that we were using up our resources as fast as we could set them aside, or at least that is the way it felt. That began to frustrate me to such an extent that I pulled Jonah and Mrs. Wiley aside and said, "We can't keep on at this rate. I feel like we are feeding hogs at the trough."

They both gave me tired laughs. Mrs. Wiley said, "Try cleaning up after 'em Gilly."

Concerned I asked, "Do you need more help? I can switch some of the children off harvesting."

"Naw. Got plenty o' help; can only has so many in the house at a time. This'll stop as soon as some serious cold sets in."

I turned to Jonah. "How about you? Need to switch some bodies around?"

He shook his head. "It's going fair. Could be better, could be worse but nothing worth changing the work charts over. Do need ter lock up the tobaccy as we got ter much borrowing going on by some. Has ter keeps the spirit cellar double latched fer the same reason. Now if the harvest wasn't so good we might be in trouble but ain't ter bad for now; can't keep this up ferever though."

I nodded and sat back. "That's what I think too. We're using too much of the extra we've been blessed with in the home gardens and orchards. I have some ideas but I don't want anything to reflect badly on us."

Jonah said, "Spit it out Gilly. Can't know til you tell us."

"Ok. I say we stop serving all that fancy food at meal times and mix it with plain fare like we eat when there's no guests around. "

Jonah was uncomfortable with my suggestion. "I don't know Gilly," he said. "The Estate has always set a real good table."

Mrs. Wiley on the other hand seemed to see some of what I was getting at. "Mebbee. Give us a fer example."

"You know that fancy soufflé of greens you make with the cut greens from the greenhouse? What about instead of that we use wild greens? I doubt most would be able to tell the difference, they shovel it in like a bunch of hungry chickens anyway." As I saw that she was nodding I added, "Same thing could be done with that cream of greens dish you make."

Looking between us Jonah started to get what I had been aiming at and finally started nodding. Mrs. Wiley smiled and said, "Got me some ideas along that line too since yer bring it up. Acorns are coming in and if you'd set some youngins to cracking' 'em and leaching the bitter out I'll use acern flour to piece out the wheat and rice flours and cornmeal. Ladies could have acern muffins up in their rooms with their morning tea and the men can eat boiled eggs since we ain't short of 'em with acern griddle bread and cattail pollen pancakes. We can fancy it up some by putting the syrups and preserves in the pretty servin' pieces and since we still got plenty of melons, pears, and apples coming in we can have a big bowl o mixed fruit fer whoever wants it. What fruit don't get et for breakfast can be blended into a fruit sauce fer the meat condiment at the dinner table."

Really into the spirit of the game I said, "And instead of fancy cakes we can fix jam tarts, ground cherry pies and nut pies. And if you don't already do it here I know of a way to make seasoned nuts to nibble on - like pecans toasted with chives or black walnut sticks - instead of those sugar confections that take so much time to fix."

The other thing Mrs. Wiley recommended as the weather cooled off was to have a first course of soup or broth. Cream of black walnut soup, dandelion broth, garlic and herb soup, and allium broth all made it to the table and no one was the wiser that we were feeding them what some would have called poor folks food. Whether it was or whether it wasn't there were no questions or complaints so we didn't enlighten them. Adding the broth or soup helped to control appetites in all but the most gluttonous of the guests.

I tried to leave the guests to Francine as much as possible but some seem to invariably find their way to wherever I am and will quiz me about how the estate is doing. Most were not rude. Most are just curious. For instance, they want to know why we left no fallow fields. I tell them, "We do, we simply put all of the home gardens into production this year as part of the rotation." Which is true as far as it goes but I'm not going to be laughed at for believing in old wives' tails. The apple orchards and crabapples are a favorite destination for the ladies who like to go for a daily walk and I make sure they can sample the latest batch of cider straight from the press if they choose.

Pumpkins, winter squash, and sweet potatoes are being harvested every day and go into the cellar in great piles, enlivening the dark space with their bright fall colors. Along with that fruit we collected bushels of muscadines and persimmons, and baskets of the bright yellow wild maypops that are the fruit of the passionflower.

I have been collecting flowers, herbs, and wild plants ever since Docia's medicine box arrived to remind me and this month I added chamomile, evening primrose, sumac berries, clover, and chicory root. Some of the women collected juniper berries for flavoring but we didn't have such where I'm from so I don't know all that much about them. Large, loosely woven bags hang from the floor joists and they are full of black walnuts, chinquapins, acorns, hickory nuts, and pecans. Ropes of garlic and onions adorn the upstairs pantry and wreaths of peppers hang like decorations on many doors.

There is a lot of satisfaction is seeing the evidence of our work. It carries me through the day and I can smile. It is only at night, alone in the cabin – supposedly mine though it is still hard for me to claim real ownership of it – when I think of Docia and Hannah and the rest of my sisters and feel so left out. I think of the lives they are living and though I'm happy for them and grateful that they have security and a chance at a better life than the Headman wanted for us, there is a part of me that is jealous.

I know it is a foolish thing to feel that way. It isn't particularly sisterly either. And in the dispatches from the Captain I always have a letter from someone, usually more than one, and some small gift or remembrance. The Captain is nice enough to make sure my replies to them get forwarded along but it isn't the same as having them here to hug and scold and laugh with by turn. Maybe I understand Francine's feelings more than I'll admit to anyone else.

But then again, maybe I don't. It is near to turning October and I am about to have to suffer one last set of visitors. I don't know whether to be happy these are the last or to be anxious because of who they are. The Captain sent a special courier to me to warn me as soon as he found out. This group beyond all of the others has the power to cause us trouble.


	30. Chapter 30

_**Chapter 30**_

After the way Francine spoke of him I had imagined the man to be built like a wall, sturdy as an oak, and bright as the sun. Uh … no. Elder Lathrop reminded me a whole lot more of a banty rooster without the attitude than he did a powerful giant.

I reckon he used up all the fat that could have been on him running from woman to woman to keep them satisfied. Sounds like a dirty joke but I really don't mean it that way. I mean it quite literally. The man has nine wives that range in age from one who wasn't too much younger than my Gran would have been to one just a tad older than Francine. Fact is if I've got it right Elder Lathrop has kids older than his youngest bride. I've heard that happens when a man is a widower a couple of times running but having wives and children all together all the time is some kind of different.

Elder Lathrop isn't a scrawny man precisely, but there sure isn't a whole lot of extra to him. He might be five foot six without his boots on but if he didn't wear boots I'd worry about him in a stiff breeze; I'm thinking they might be the only thing keeping him from blowing away.

Of course all those kids and grandkids always hanging on him might be something else that keeps him well grounded. And there is a whole bunch of them … both flavors from child to grandchild and from male to female ... though they have the same gap as many do here in Kilpling as there is a great big giant hole where many of the ten to eighteen year olds should be.

I'm told he does have a few girls of that age but they are kept cloistered on the Lathrop estate. As a matter of fact only the three oldest wives came with Elder Lathrop. For the most part I'm not sure what to make of them. They are … well … they are nice. And helpful. And … and I'm really not sure what I expected but as far as I can tell there isn't anything wrong with those women; we just don't share many similar experiences nor do we agree on this multiple wife thing though I don't tell them that.

As a matter of fact I've been able to keep my mouth fairly well closed which has to be some kind of miracle. Maybe I am starting to be the master of my mouth instead of it being the master of me. Docia would be proud … but she would likely pass out first from shock.

There is only one area that they make me uncomfortable in and that is how easy they talk of sharing the Elder Lathrop. Well for goodness sake it isn't like I want to hear anyone's bedroom talk to begin with but having to listen to them give me advice on how to make sure I get my "share" of Cor sure does make me want to go find a hole and crawl in it. The problem is they do it so nicely that I can't say anything, especially not when I've agreed to play this part for my sake and for Cor's.

What is even worse is that when I try and deflect it by saying that basically Francine got there first and that Cor is in love with her and I never mean to interfere with that, those women seem to take it a lot differently than all the others that I have given that response to.

I didn't mean to do it that's for sure but somehow or other those women suddenly decided they needed to protect me or champion me or something else fair strange. They'd talk me up at the dinner table, about how I was so industrious and obviously doing my best to fit in and help the estate; and then turn to Francine and ask her what she'd been doing all day with herself.

Of course they knew what she'd been doing. She'd been hanging on Elder Lathrop like he was a golden calf and she had just escaped from this place called Egypt. I thought at first they were on my side because they were jealous that some pretty young thing was spending time with their husband; but I was wrong. When those women said they knew how to share they were being quite serious. And I do suppose that the Elder in his own way did have a certain charisma to him … he didn't do anything for me but I can see how he might for others … they don't blame him for attracting Francine's obvious infatuation.

Nope, this was something different. Apparently since Francine was raised in a multi-wife community she should have been teaching me … what I do not want to know but she was supposed to be doing it. She should have been ensuring that I "got my share" of Cor's attention. Somehow or other those women seemed to think that I was being cheated by Francine. I swear I never said anything to that effect but boy did they twist it around.

I'm not sure who's idea it was to have the Elder "speak with me." Maybe he felt it was his duty or something of that nature. Either way there is no way it could have been much more uncomfortable for me than it was.

"Elder Lathrop, I appreciate that you are trying to be helpful in your own way."

The Elder has a deep voice that can mesmerize you if you let it. Not a bad voice but one of the type I've always been a little leery of since I was little and my Gramp used to rail against a peddler that would come through the area and work deals that in hindsight weren't very good for the people he was trading with. "I am glad you view me as trying to be helpful Child. I assure you it is my fondest wish that your relationship with Francine be a productive one for you both."

I sighed and gathered my thoughts. I had a feeling this was going to take more being civilized than I've normally got in me. "Yes, I do appreciate it Elder but you have to appreciate that I have responsibilities beyond who sleeps with who. And it is more than a little embarrassing talking about this with you so I'd rather not if it is all the same to you."

He shook his head sadly. "Unfortunately my dear, I cannot simply walk away from this. I have a responsibility to my estate and those from it, and while Francine automatically falls under that heading, you do in a sense as well because you are a co-wife with her. My wives state that they feel you are … underrepresented in this household; at least in so far as what is your rightful place as a wife of the estate. I've noted that the people come to you and see you as someone they can trust. But I've also discovered that as a member of our society you aren't being given your proper place."

"I don't really care that I have a 'place' elder so long as I don't lose respect for myself. What anyone else thinks doesn't matter to me too much."

"No one? Not even your husband?"

I'd fallen into that trap too easily and I needed to be more careful. "OK, you have me there. And Mrs. Wiley and Jonah too. The Captain and Winnie and …" I stopped and sighed. "Look Elder Lathrop, I just mean that what so-called society sees me as isn't as important as the people that care about me see me as."

"A commendable sentiment Child." He gave his own sigh. "I do not see Francine having the same sentiments. Underneath the gay exterior she seems like an unhappy young woman and I worry that she is allowing her … dissatisfaction … to impede the household she should be building. We must develop a plan to correct this unacceptable situation."

I shook my head. "You cannot help someone that won't help themselves. She has been happier the last couple of months than she has been since I was brought here. I'm not averse to seeing her happy – I can't make her be happy though – and it was my understanding that her happiness at least in part is why I was brought here. I've done what I can. I have divided responsibilities so that Francine isn't … er … anymore dissatisfied than I can help. I leave dealing with the visitors to the estate to her and I take care of the people already here."

He did the kindly man act well enough that I almost believed it. Would have believed fully if I hadn't known for a fact he is one of the people responsible for selling me into this sham proxy marriage for his own purposes. "The attention of the visitors will soon end Mistress Fell. Francine is lonely and will only become more so."

I shook my head. "Not because she has to be. There are people coming and going from the house all day long. She could come to the gardens; she has been asked repeatedly, she has chosen not to. She could involve herself in the kitchen or in numerous other areas including activities in the village; she does not."

"I have made a study of this Mistress Fel and based on my discussions with others before I arrived and then staff here I have come to the conclusion that you have Cor's ear in estate matters. You should utilize that voice and speak to Cor on Francine's behalf and get him to understand her needs." Like a wise owl he intoned, "She misses her husband."

I nodded vigorously and responded, "And he misses her I'm sure. I know for a fact he adores her. She's all he talks about and that's fine by me, gives me something to listen to. I know he is going on these long runs in great part for her. I'm telling you nothing you don't already know when I say he had an unfortunate Da who died before he could clear his own debts. Cor takes his honor seriously. He has responsibilities to Francine, to the debt holders, to the people dependent on the estate and even to the position on the council he will eventually take on. You ask Cor to understand Francine's position, how about she understands his and give him some support cause he could sure use it. She doesn't understand how much a good word from her lifts his day."

Seemingly gratified for some reason he said, "You love him."

Nearly swallowing my tongue at the man's audacity to make such an assumption I stuttered, "I ... I ... I am not romantic, I leave that for Cor and Francine." Not wanting it to end with me sounding pathetic I said, "I do respect him and what he is trying to accomplish."

Thoughtfully the Elder said, "I ... see."

Well I didn't see, not in the least. I can't stand for people to be mucking around in my business. One of my sisters maybe but they'd always had the sense to leave off before they got silly. In my eyes Cor was as much boy as man for all that he was older than me by a bit and some. If I had to pick how I felt about him it would be sisterly. Thinking anything else made me nauseous. Those Lathrops and what they want just seem to steal my breath with the arrogance of it all. It is my life and my business as far as who I do and do not fall in love with. Maybe the Elder didn't mean to leave me feeling dirty with his talk but he did. Cor and I have worked it out between us. Why do people feel the need to meddle?

I didn't exactly forget the conversation, in fact I recorded it for the Captain and then sent it out with the next courier, but I didn't exactly dwell on it either. I continued working. The harvest was coming to an end but that didn't mean that there wasn't still quite a bit of work to do. The last of the apples and pears were being gleaned from the trees. Jonah had left a few of the trees for folks down on their luck to pick from and they were cleaned out as fast as we were removing the last fruits from the rest of the orchard.

The last of the sweet potatoes were getting dug and stored away as well. Several rows of long season cabbage – giant heads that would have been too big for me to wear as a hat – came into the kitchen and Mrs. Wiley and her helpers shredded it into a slaw and dried it. Come the winter it would make a good addition to hot soups and fillings for fried venison pasties. Then the only thing left in the garden were some pumpkins, some winter squash and several rows of long season tomatoes.

The oldest wife of Elder Lathrop had taken a chill on a late night visit to the outhouse and I dosed her with chicken broth and garlic and within a day she was feeling much better. Francine flitted in and out of her room but she seemed to give Mistress Giselle a headache. I was sitting by her bed for a moment one night making sure that she drank what my Gran had called a posset when she caught me off guard and patted my hand. "You're a good girl Fel. I wish there was some way I could ease your way. You seem so young to already be a wife. I don't like to see the girls married off so young. It sometimes means later on that they get … flighty … and rebellious as to their place."

I tried not to laugh. For all the fact that I know the Lathrops are in a sense my enemy, I couldn't help but like Mistress Giselle. We didn't believe the same things but she was kind and meant well. And as far as rebellious, I could likely teach any number of Lathrop women what that word really meant. Likely a few of the men too. "Thank you Mistress Giselle but I'm … resigned and content I guess you could say … to making this my life. While it is different from what few dreams I might have had, and while it wasn't of my choosing, it is still better than where I came from and I've come to terms with it."

She nodded her head and stared into the fire. "Much in this life turns out different than we dream of. I lost six children in the plague; two boys and four girls. Six of my blood. My co-wives lost their blood children as well, so many it breaks my heart to think of it. No telling how many grandchildren to bring us we would have by now except for that." She spoke quietly, almost like her words were meant for me alone. "Francine should not have left the estate. She needs … a firm hand. That Cor … he is too … too infatuated, a bit too soft to govern her the way she needs it; he tries too hard not to be his father. He gives her everything she wants and still she can't find it in herself to be satisfied. You must watch her Fel. I worry she is … is susceptible to … to the wrong kind of flattery."

In her own way Mistress Giselle had shocked me as much as the Elder had embarrassed me. Trying to put her mind at rest I said, "There's been none of that going on I'm sure. Even if Francine hadn't told me herself and made me sure … me who has enough experience with men to last a lifetime … and convinced me she was serious that she didn't view that kind of attention with any kind of favor, Mrs. Wiley makes sure that neither Francine nor I deal with men by ourselves."

"Neither of you?"

I shrugged. "I leave Francine to Mrs. Wiley as she knows what to do and Jonah is never too far when I am out and about on the estate. Even if he isn't there himself he has someone trailing me like I need leading strings or something."

She smiled and the relief showed on her face. "Then I won't worry so much. Cor is a fine young man or Francine's father would never have agreed to the match but he is gone so often." She sighed once again reminding me a bit of my Gran. "Husbands with young wives shouldn't be away from home so much."

"He's got responsibilities Mistress Giselle. More than just to Francine … and me. The estate, the people … his Da didn't leave him with much choice. Cor's too honorable to give up without a fight. I support him in that." I was hoping she took my words to heart. She may have meant well but I can't fall in with folks that try and hurt Jonah, Mrs. Wiley, or any of the others on the Corman estate. "And I'm sure Francine does as well."

She was growing tired and let slip, "Does she? Hmmmm …."

I waited for her to finish but when I looked she was asleep. I took the tray back to the kitchen but as I passed the sitting area I noted that Francine was still up and I could hear the Elder's voice as well as the voices of his other two wives. Again, while a little late in the evening for visiting I thought nothing of it. The Lathrops were leaving the next day so I figured they were getting their last bit of each other's company in while they could. I was tired after a long day of work and was eager to get to bed. There was a lot to do yet.

The next day it was obvious that Francine had been crying … a lot. I mean she didn't even try to look her normally fragile yet beautiful self. Her nose was red, her eyes were swollen, and she looked … unhealthy. After the Lathrops caravan took off I went to the kitchen and got a pot of broth thinking that maybe Francine was coming down with whatever Mistress Giselle had had. They had spent a great deal of time in each other's company in the beginning.

I walked into her sitting room to find her crying pitifully. Not fake tears but great big ol' boo hoos that were as real as it gets. I knew she was likely to freak out when her kin took their leave but I had no idea what was heading my way.

I took two steps into the room and just had time to say, "Francine why don't you drink some of …"

WHAM! She was up off the sofa where she'd been drapped and knocked the tray and bowl out of my hand. She turned to come at me again and it took a lot of willpower not to backhand her. That broth was hot and it had splashed my neck and soaked the front of the simple cotton blouse I was wearing. I shoved her back and she fell into a chair.

"Have you lost your mind?!"

She came at me again and I shoved her back again. I was ready to call for some help to keep from doing her any damage and then getting blamed for it all when she said, "I hate you!"

"Then hate me for all I care but at least tell me why."

"You know why. You turned them against me. You … you … you Outland whore."

I hadn't been expecting her to act like she was crazy. I expected those words out of her mouth even less.

I gave her a look and told her as calmly as I could force myself to be, "You do not want to call me that again Francine. You really, really don't."

"I'll call you anything I please." I turned to leave the room but she screeched, "I'm not done with you!"

I turned and gave her a dangerous glare. "But I'm done with you. I don't know what has set you off … well, yeah I do … your kin leaving. But as bad as that must make you feel, it isn't my fault and I don't appreciate being blamed for it."

"You turned them against me!" she wailed.

"How on God's great creation am I supposed to have done that?!" I know I should have left but it was like watching someone fall off a cliff … it was so bad I just couldn't turn away.

"You told them lies. You said I was being lazy and not being responsible and …"

"Whoa right there. One, I never said anything about anything like that. Even if I thought you've been lazier than you needed to be I never would have said it. Hardly anyone would believe me anyway and it would embarrass Cor and the estate. And two, I said that you took care of the guests just fine as your responsibility and I stuck to the rest of it."

"Liar! Then why did they all lecture me and lecture me and lecture me about what was right and proper?! I know what is right and proper! Didn't I get them to get Cor another wife when he wouldn't do it on his own?! It isn't my fault they just didn't get a good one. They brought you into my home and my life has been a hellish misery ever since."

I snapped. "You've lost your mind. Is this how your Ma went?" OK, so that hacked her off a bit but by that time I didn't care. "Is it so hard for you to see that you are causing your own misery?! Stop wallowing, locked up in this room you treat like an ivory tower. Get out and get some sunshine. Make yourself useful. Do some work for pity's sake. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, trying to make a life for myself which is more than anyone else has been trying to do for me. I am not what is making you miserable. I didn't even choose to be here in the first place!"

"And you won't be here any longer than I can help it!" That got me quiet real fast. "I told Cor to accept you for my sake and he did. And now I'll tell him to get rid of you for my sake and he will! He'll set you aside and we will find someone better, someone who doesn't terrorize me at every turn, who doesn't undercut my authority. I might not be able set you aside until Cor comes back but I can banish you from this house and I shall! Get out! GET OUT! GET OUT AND STAY OUT!"

I was angry, just about as angry as I have ever been but not so angry that I was going to stand there and let her peg me with all the throwables that were in that room. I got out all right and slammed the door before she could hurt me or anyone else.

I was so angry in fact that I realized I was grabbing my knife and that shocked me. I had never gone after anyone weaker than myself and there is no way Francine can best me in a fight. She was also unarmed. For a moment I realized how close I had come to doing something I wouldn't be able to live with. I turned loose of the knife and fled down the stairs and straight into a crowd of shocked people. I looked around and couldn't stand it. Mrs. Wiley, all the other women, Jonah, the boys … I had to get out. I couldn't breathe.

I ran into the forest feeling like a deer on the run. There was no place I could go. Everywhere I turned all I found was a kind of anger I thought I had put behind me and nothing and no one that I could loose it against.

But even I get tired. Jonah found me up near Tumbler's Spring. I was about to make off when he said, "Naw Gilly. Don't run. I'm too tired and so are you. We gots a mess on our hands and we needs ter figger out what ter do about it."

Sullenly I said, "I never said any of those things to people. I never have."

He nodded, "Nope. You coulda said a lot but never have. Maybe yer should have."

I shook my head. "Said what to who? And what difference would it make even if I had?"

He sighed. "Reckon yer've got the right of it. But yer cain't run away."

Gruffly I asked, "Why not? Run before I'm thrown out."

"'Cause ya silly Gilly, the estate needs yer. Miss Francie will play Queen Bee for a day er two but she ain't got no sense and will lose interest as she always has before. All she has done terday is sit in that room o hers and give orders that has me sister running but not accomplishin' nothin'." Furitively looking around he whispered, "We finally dosed her up good. She'll sleep through the night and give us o chance to talk things out." In a normal tone of voice he said, "Yer need to come back and help us out o this."

I banged the back of my head against the tree a few times. The pain felt satisfying. But only a couple of times because I also had more sense than a ram in heat. Their heads may have been made for banging against something hard, mine wasn't. I sighed and stood up. "I don't know what I can do Jonah. You know when Cor hears what she wants he'll give it to her. I can't change squat about that."

Catching a glimpse of Jonah's sad face I knew that he knew it too. Still he said, "Let's cross that bridge when we's come ter it. Fer now, just come home."

Home. I don't have one. If I had one I wouldn't be in this pickle. It's almost like being in the stocks again. Held captive and in full view of everyone else, just waiting for the real punishment to begin.


	31. Chapter 31

_**Chapter 31**_

"Out!" I came out of bed as the door burst off its hinges.

Two days after the big blow up with Francine I was still struggling to get my feet under me. I didn't know what I was going to do or where I was going to go. Jonah and Mrs. Wiley had started to turn optimistic and say that Cor wouldn't send me off but I knew what my luck was and I knew what men were like except for the rare few like my Da or Jonah … and even that most likely didn't come until they got some age on them. Most of all though I knew how much Cor loved Francine and how easy it would be for her to work him around to see her way.

I was dead asleep, fatigue from worrying and warmth from the fire sending me to dreamland to escape for a while. It was a couple of hours before dawn when the crash had me flying out of bed with my knife in hand.

"I don't care what it takes or how much it costs I am getting rid of you!"

I tried to stay calm. You don't run from a charging bull but I couldn't help but try to defend myself. "Cor …"

"Shut up! Start packing. I want you out of here and if that means I haul you to the fort then so be it. I won't let you corrupt my household one more moment than I have to! I can't believe I fell for it you Outland who…"

I didn't let him finish. I ran. I could take a lot of things but having him call me a saloon girl wasn't one of them. I felt so stupid. So unbelievably stupid. How could I trust a man?! I ran into the night with the words "Good riddance!" ringing in my ears.

It took a while for my panic and subsequent anger to subside and once it did I realized I needed more than a sleeping shirt and a small knife for protection. Before the sun came up I snuck back to the cabin. It was in a shambles. The rocker was broken like it had been thrown against the wall but my belongings had been stacked carefully and neatly on the still rumpled bed. I took the bow and quiver that I had been using and pulled out my old rucksack and stuffed it with my clothes, the medicine box that Docia had sent, and few other things that I had been collecting.

I slunk out feeling beaten in spirit if not in body and still having no idea where I would go. I had failed to take the time to really get to know the territory, only caring about the small part of the estate that I had wandered and the forest that surrounded it. I thought about taking food but knew I wouldn't be able to carry enough to make much difference. And I didn't want to take anything from the mouths of the people that I'd been working so hard to feed. I felt bad enough as it was, I didn't want to add that sorrow on top of it. Part of me wanted to say good bye to Jonah and Mrs. Wiley but hearing raised voices at the house dissuaded me … I didn't want to bring any trouble on anyone.

I needed to regroup and decided to fall back to a place that I knew I could hunt some dinner and fill my wine skin with water at Tumbler's Spring. I couldn't stay there long so I made a dash, caught a couple of frogs and then took off deeper into the forest. I stayed deep in the woods but my mind was in such a jumble that I got little done; I couldn't even rest. I did wander around a bit but didn't find any water source and knew I would have to go back to the spring.

Carefully I crept back. I did not want to run into Jonah who seemed to be able to hunt me down no matter where I was. I saw nothing unusual. I heard nothing out of the ordinary. Slowly I moved through the brown and dying grass and refilled my wine skin but as I corked it all of the crickets stopped. I froze and then made to sprint but something that felt huge landed on me from behind. I fought to escape but it wouldn't let me go.

Growling a voice said, "Stop. Fighting. Now. I don't want to hurt you."

I froze. Cor. I was flipped over and I prepared for what I thought was coming. I had fought hard and won my freedom too many times. I knew eventually I wouldn't be able to escape. I might not be able to stop him from using my body but I refused to give him power over my emotions or mind. When he flipped me over I spit in his face. I tried to scratch his eyes and he pinned my wrists.

"Stop Fel," he growled using his whole body to weigh me down so I couldn't move. "I told you I don't want to hurt you."

Unable to fight I used words instead. "Hurt me one way or hurt me another. Does it matter?"

He stilled and then shook his head he said, "God Fel … no, I … I deserve that don't I? I'm not … that's not what I'm trying to do. Uncle Rob told me you know how to fight and I've seen it myself in how fast you can move. But I'm a lot bigger than you and could hurt you without meaning to. I knew I'd have to get you in one move or you'd run and I might not be able to find you again."

Still unable to move I said, "So you found me. If you aren't going to rape me then let me go."

I couldn't see his face but I felt him shudder. "I'm not out to hurt you Fel. I know you don't think so but I'm not. I ... I swear … for what it's worth I swear on my own life. I … I've got to fix this somehow. I can't … Fel … Fel I'm not like my father! I'm not!"

God help me I heard the pain in his voice. Real pain not the pretend kind that some men use to get their way. I stopped squirming and said carefully, "Get off me."

"I will just … just don't run. I'll chase you and … God Fel just don't run."

I sighed. "Give me a reason not to."

"Give you a …" The shadows were so long that I couldn't see his face but I heard surprise in his voice. Then he said, "You hold my life in your hands Fel. I can't live with myself if I don't fix this … I have to fix this somehow."

I snorted in disbelief. "It's your life, not mine. Stupid to put your life in someone else's hands willingly."

"Stupid or not, you have it. All I'm asking is … is you … you hear me out. That's all. I swear it."

He got slowly up and carefully and moved away. I sat up just as slowly and even more carefully and then put a few more feet between us but didn't run. Cor's voice had a deadness to it I'd never heard from him. "I shouldn't have listened to Francine, not without talking to someone else before I … before I went off half-cocked like I did. I owed you that and I haven't got any excuse for what I said. I haven't got any excuse for what I did. I was wrong … wrong for what I did and said, wrong for the way I treated you."

I'd never heard a man admit to such things. Even so, I don't know why I believed him. I can't point to a single thing. Frankly I had every reason not to. But I knew how he loved Francine. I knew how easily it would have been for her to wind him up with her words, had even expected it. This … this abject misery coming off of him I hadn't expected, hadn't even considered a possibility.

I shrugged. It wasn't like my temper and mouth hadn't dug me a few holes in my life. "Fine. I believe you."

My words threw him or a loop. I could tell. "You do? But you … you can't."

I shook my head and didn't know whether he could see it or not. "That's foolish. You ask me to hear you out and then tell me I have your life in my hands. I tell you I believe you and you just say that I can't. Does that make the least bit of sense?"

There was an uncomfortable silence that was only broken when Cor asked quietly, "You really believe me?"

I sighed. "I suppose I must."

He leaned forward and I jumped and worried I'd been a fool again when he grabbed my arms and pulled me towards him. I put the flat of my hands on his chest to hold him off but he just said desperately, "Come back Fel. Jonah … Mrs. Wiley … so many … I can't stand the look on their faces when they look at me. I feel like a fool. Worse … I feel like … like I'm turning into my father, like a monster. God Fel just come home."

"It's not my home. It never has been so don't call it that."

He shuddered again, like a dog that has been kicked so many times but can't seem to stop looking for human companionship. "That's my fault too. I … I haven't been taking any of this seriously have I? Been so worried and making it all about me. Doing the same thing as … as …" He shuddered again and I felt bad for him. It's hard to find out your golden idol really has feet of clay.

I patted his arm and said, "Not so tight. I don't like bruises."

He released me immediately and I almost fell on my rump. Setting myself right I told him. "I'm not going to ask why you did what you did because it is a stupid, useless question. Besides, I can guess. Francine got her heart pinched over something them Lathrops did or said and needed to blame someone and I was what was handiest as a target."

"Fel …"

"No Cor. I don't want any explanations or reasons. I don't want to hear excuses for her or rationalizations or justifications for what happened."

I had learned the hard way that if I stayed calm other people did as well and this seemed to be true of Cor as well. He said, "Will you come back?"

"Back to what? Back to the next time she says something against me? I may be an Outlander but we aren't near as stupid as people think we are. If nothing else I know when I'm being set up for an ambush."

I could just barely make out that he shook his head. "I won't do that. I make a lot of mistakes Fel … a lot of them … but I rarely make the same mistake twice. As much as it … as it kills me to say it, I swear I won't take … anyone's … words against you without …"

The struggle he was in was almost a physical thing I could feel. He's loved Francine since he knew what love was if Luke Jackson was telling the truth. Love does strange things to people and not all of them good from what I've seen. I saw my Da break when he knew my Ma and Georgie were gone, that he couldn't save them. I don't know if he would have stayed that way, never got the chance to find out. Cor seemed a bit like that as he realized that Francine maybe wasn't perfect … maybe a lot less than perfect … and that he had some hard truths to deal with for his own self as well.

Suddenly it seemed that all I really wanted was to see Jonah and Mrs. Wiley again. I just wanted to see them … and the other folks who had accepted me. I wanted to make sure they made it through the winter, to see if what we did has been enough. That's all I wanted. I didn't want to be with Cor or see Francine but the other was so important that I was willing to deal with it if I could just have a place even if that place wasn't mine.

"We do this I want your word Cor … your solemn word on the life you say you are putting in my hands … that you won't kick me out until after Spring comes. Not until after I know that the folks here have made it through winter with enough to eat."

In a serious voice Cor told me, "Fel … I'll never do this again. I won't ever kick …"

"Don't make those kinds of promises Cor. One, right now I don't think I can bring myself to believe it and two … two I'm not sure that maybe one day I won't want you to kick me out." Talking to him in the dark where I didn't have to see his face I could tell him that. The dark meant I didn't have to see his face but didn't mean I couldn't sense him kind of fold in like that kicked dog I already mentioned. "Cor I'm not saying it to be hurtful though I feel like I should have a right to after what happened. I'm being honest. I don't want anymore … misunderstandings. I've been holding up my end of this bargain. You haven't been around to see it, to give me a chance to prove myself. You don't know me from Eve and that's fine, got it and understand it, and not too sure I want to get known that well by a man anyway. But you blow in after being gone all summer and just … just didn't even give me a chance to say boo without even looking around. Life ain't fair but what's happened to me is going a bit far on the other piece of that. I don't want to be treated like that for the rest of my life."

"You won't," he said quietly. I could tell he meant it but no way was I in the mood to believe in fairy stories.

"Just forget it Cor. I'll go back for my own reasons. But you'd best keep your word that nothing like this is going to happen until at least past Spring."

"It won't ever happen again."

"And don't try and sell me a bill of goods. I've seen what men can be like. Know what women can be like too for that matter. I just have a whole lot less reason to trust people than maybe you do … and this hasn't changed my mind about that."

He just sat there and finally I stood up. "Well, might as well go on back. I probably have a scold coming from Jonah if nothing else."

Cor got slowly to his feet as well. "He won't … he's already spent it all on me. I swear Fel … I …" He fell silent as he realized there wasn't anything he could add that would change things.

The moon was full so while we had to take it slow the trail was lit up enough that we didn't break our necks getting back. Cor stopped me when I would have left the path to head to the cabin. "Come to the house Fel. I … I haven't fixed the door or cleaned up the mess I made. And besides, you deserve to live in the house and I'll tell Francine that and …"

"Oh no," I told him. "No way are you getting me to live under the same roof as her. I may have to pull together to keep this estate going but creeping around like a mouse trying not to set her off ain't happening. And don't go giving me the 'she's sorry' routine either. You I can believe are sorry. I've seen it and heard it in your voice. Her … I don't know Cor. I'll work with her 'cause I don't seem to have much choice but … to expect me to …"

"All right. I'll stay outside so you can …"

Surprised I said, "You'll what?! Uh uh. No. I don't need you or any other man to guard my door like I'm some kind of prisoner."

"That's not what I meant. I've heard we're having problems with bears and …"

I snorted. "Like you're going to stop a grizz if it comes for me. Besides, I've already done for one grizz. I might not be in the mood to take on another but I'm done being chewed on for a while so if there are any grizz around they'd best just carry themselves on down the trail."

It took him a moment to catch up. "What? A … a grizzly? You killed a grizzly bear here? When?"

"Don't come out of your skin. It was back not too long after you left. It wasn't a big one." More honestly I added, "It wasn't a cub but he wasn't a full grown one either. Probably just kicked out by his Ma to make room for a new cub. Ask the tanner to show you, he has the skin. Either way that should tell you I can take care of myself. Now leave off already."

He did but I found out the next morning he hadn't really gone far as I found him sticking his head in the creek where it flowed away from the cabin. I told him, "You don't listen very well."

"No. If I had listened better we wouldn't be where we are at."

Wasn't anything to say to that so we walked towards the house but I didn't like the idea of walking in with him like I was something he had caught and reeled in. I didn't get a chance to stop though because Jonah came hoofing it after he saw us. He gave me a concerned look. "Gilly?"

I sighed. I didn't feel like going into it but knew I needed to say something. "What have we got on the list today? I don't like getting such a late start but sometimes you just gotta take things as they come."

I could see Jonah wanted to ask questions but with Cor there he wouldn't. Jonah did give Cor a closed look which Cor accepted with a sigh. Jonah looked at him a moment more, then nodded and said, "Lots of pumpkins that need to be peeled and dried. Need to get out and see if we can't clear the fields of some of these geese that are flying in. My shoulder is aching and that means a weather change is coming."

I went toward the house while Cor asked Jonah to show him the smoke house so he could see just how much meat the estate had to work with so he could figure how many of the hogs would need to be slaughtered.

That left me walking towards the house alone … it was a feeling I knew I needed to get used to but no matter how many times I try and remind myself it is a lesson I seem to have to relearn the hard way.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

That day was rough but I lived through it by doing what my Gran had always said was the only way to live through such times; by putting one foot in front of the other. Cor just about drove me crazy. He'd come around and make out like I was some important person and the others around me would nod and act like Cor was coming to his senses. Me? Just made me feel like he was losing his mind more than he had already. If he would have left well enough alone it would have been easier to ignore.

"Cor! What are you doing? I didn't ask to be treated like … like … well, like whatever you are doing. Stop setting me apart and giving me so much attention. I don't want whatever it is you are offering."

"I'm trying to give you your rightful place as my wife. What I should have been doing all along."

I looked around and whispered fiercely. "Have you forgotten that I'm not really your wife? Stop this right now and stop changing the rules of our agreement."

Quietly he said, "I was wrong Fel. We'll stick to our agreement. I … I won't dishonor Francine or myself … or you … by taking this any further and I hope you know you can trust me on that, or at least you're willing to pretend you can trust me until you really do. I still don't believe they should have forced this proxy marriage on us. What they did was wrong but two wrongs don't make a right. I owe you more than you've been getting. And that gets fixed starting now."

Frustrated I asked him, "Did bugs crawl in her your ears and nibble on your brain while you were gone?!"

He tried not to but he slowly caved and gave me a small, bashful smile. "Maybe."

I swear some people are just impossible to stay mad at no matter what the circumstances. I kept my distance but at the same time it is awful hard to beat on someone that seems to expect it at every turn. Cor's da must have done a real number on him.

I finally sat back against the tree I was sitting under while I sorted through the mess of pumpkin seeds I was cleaning so that I could season and toast them. Changing the subject to something safer I said, "Those men that ride with you, they seem to be in a good mood. Did you do ok on this run? Make some headway?"

A genuine smile lit his face. "After all that you're still … still interested in … in …"

Honest to pete he is three-quarters puppy half the time. "Yeah, I'm interested. What is the point of it all if we aren't working on things from our own angles?"

"Oh." He was quiet so long I had to ask again. "Yeah, I did …" He stopped for a minute then he got a big grin like a boy that has swiped the baker's best pie and lived to tell the tale. "Fel, I cleared off three-quarters of the debt that was left. In a single run!"

Astonished, especially since I knew the amount, I asked, "That much?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "We took last season's rice thinking that we'd get an OK price for it going up to the northeast. At best they only have wild rice up that way. But they'd had a long hard winter followed by a wet spring all through the region. No one had gardens in yet despite it being so late when we reached the area. They needed that rice real bad by that time. I gave them a good price for it too, didn't gouge them like some might even though I could have. They couldn't pay me in too much coin but I got some good lumber, gallons of maple syrup, some textiles and some ivory work. Got some whale oil too from a village on the coast. Best though was a large load of salt, about half of which I brought back to Kipling. Took what we traded to a couple of other places and traded for other things and brought in a little more coin. Coming back this way we ran into another trader group and they offered to take the remaining stock I wasn't keeping for personal use off my hands for pure gold and silver plus a few odds and ends. And I've got a contract with them for a bulk order of everyday use paper. Said they might be interested in some of the specialty stuff we produce as well. Fel … I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! Only have a few folks left to pay off and then we're done … no more owing people ever again."

When he talked of paying off the debts you could tell it was a burden coming off him. I'm actually kinda sorry it got spoiled with the mess between Francine and I. It must have really nipped at his male pride. But it did make me wonder once again what place I would have after all of the debt was gone. I had thought I was satisfied to live the life fate seemed to hand me but I'm beginning to wonder if it is going to take more work to be content with that than I had planned on.

The next morning I could tell people were starting to calm down. Things were going back to normal though folks skirted around the issue a bit or would stop talking or change the subject when they saw me coming. People wanted things to be OK between Cor, Francine, and I. They needed things to be OK. In a sense we held their lives in our hands because if our plan failed, the debt holders could come in and take things and maybe dismantle the estate. People don't like that kind of uncertainty. Realizing that it made me feel guilty for thinking I could just run off without looking back.

At lunch time Cor insisted on sharing the noon time meal with the estate staff the way I have been doing. He kept looking at the house and then losing his concentration and after a while wasn't following the conversations around him at all. People began to sense something was wrong. He wasn't looking like a black thunder cloud yet but everyone that wasn't blind could see Cor was heading that direction.

After the meal was cleared away I tugged him off to the side. "What is wrong now?!"

"Nothin'," he said sullenly.

I crossed my arms and gave him my Ma's best hard look. Gran could do it better but Ma always made me feel worse somehow.

He sighed in an extremely irritated way and then burst out, "I told Francine to come down and share the noon meal with everyone. Show everyone we were doing OK. She said she would. And she … she …" Quietly like he couldn't quite believe it he said, "She lied to me. She … she didn't come down."

Uh oh. "Maybe she got a headache at the last moment. Queasy. Something like that."

"No she didn't," he said getting wound up into a snit all over again. "I saw her at her window and she saw me see her. She looked straight at me and then pulled the curtains shut. She didn't come down on purpose."

"Cor, maybe …"

He looked at me incredulously. "After what she said? After the predicament she got me into? You're going to make excuses for her?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm telling you to calm down. If she wants a scene don't give it to her. Daphne – one of the girls that came east with me - used to like to get my goat and a lot of the time the only way to deal with her was to ignore her. You react, you make her feel like she has power and it only makes it worse."

This time he was the one who shook his head. "This isn't a game Fel, or a girlish tantrum. I know how I acted and I see … or I'm learning … just how wrong I was. Every minute goes by it only gets worse. I … I love Francine. I always will but I don't understand why she turned on me like this. Why she would lie like she has … first about you and then about coming down to the meal. If she is lying now has she been lying all this time?"

I opened my mouth to try and calm him down but he kept going and asked, "And why do I feel so free to talk to you about this?! And why are you listening to me after all that has happened? Are you women all just crazy or something or is it me that's fallen over that waterfall?"

Part of me knew how serious he was being but part of me wanted to laugh at the same time. I'm not sure why. I'm even less sure why the laughing part won out. It wasn't a huge belly buster but I did let myself smile. "Cor, I swear sometimes everybody that is east of the Mississippi has some kind of crazy wrong with them. Being an Outlander is a whole lot less complicated. You live, you die and in between the two you fight to survive. You feed your belly, you rest your body, and you try and save your skin. That's all there is except for small bits and pieces here and there. On the other hand you people around here get too wound up in things that in the end don't have anything to do with anything but giving you a headache."

He opened his mouth and I stopped him with my hand. "Listen to me. Right now for whatever reason you and Francine are like two ticks with no dog between you. Each of you are just draining the other, expecting them to provide all you need and no person can do that for another person no matter how much they want to. Let's just figure out what set her off, fix it, and then move on."

I took my hand away from his mouth and he opened it, then closed it, then grunted like an old razor back that was irritated. "I know what set her off. That Elder Lathrop gave her a talking to, a big one, and none of it included a blessing. Apparently it has come to his attention … and now to mine … that Francine hasn't … er … hasn't …"

"Gotten into the spirit of things?" I asked trying to find a polite way of saying it all in as few words as possible.

Sadly grateful he nodded. "Yeah. That."

"There are some mules that are willing to pull and some who aren't. Sometimes the ones that aren't can be brought around to the farmer's way of thinking but it takes patience and practice. Sometimes the only way is with a willow switch. Contrary to recent experiences, I still don't think you are a hitter by nature though anyone can be pushed too far, especially when their heart is involved. That leaves trying to figure out what is going to … um … encourage Francine to pull her part of the weight we all three are under. "

Sadly he asked, "And if I can't find out how?"

"Then we have to pull without her."

I thought that Cor had calmed down and in fact looking back at it I know he did. Lollie Hudson told me she heard Francine egging him on when he went inside a couple of hours later to get the inventory books so we could update them with this week's reports. Within thirty minutes they were both shouting loud enough that we could hear them out back in the garden.

We all tried to ignore it but it was hard. Thirty minutes it went on and it wasn't anything but one of those circular arguments that never went anywhere. People started to mutter. It wasn't angry muttering; it was concern and in some cases fear. Too many remembered Cor's Da and how he could get. Lollie told people that it was Francine that had started it but the way Cor roared made it hard to believe.

I stood up and dusted off my hands. I'd had enough.

Jonah tried to stop me. "You don't want ter get in the middle of that Gilly. Young Cor … well ain't he already flayed yer once?"

"That was a misunderstanding. "

I heard someone mutter, "Some misunderstanding. Just about ruined everything."

I don't know who said it but everyone heard it and I had to address it. "Cor is exhausted. That's no excuse but he's been on that run for months trying to save the estate, does a good job, and then comes home to the mess he found. Now Francine, who he has loved since he was a boy and you all know it, is all twisted up for some reason … family has a way of being able to hurt you more and deeper than anyone else and she really took whatever it was to heart. They're going to tear themselves apart if someone doesn't get the guts up to stop them. I reckon two lovesick fools can't be much worse than a cranky grizz so I might as well give it a try."

They were still going at it when I walked into the room Cor used as an office. Things were really heating up and they had started to ask each other whether they really loved one another.

"OK, that's enough," I told them quietly but forcefully. "You are taking this all way too far." They both opened their mouths but I stopped them. "You can't control who you fall in love with. I don't know why but my observation is that's the plain truth of it. When you first find out it must be something really beautiful the way people carry on so, you two included. But in my experience beauty doesn't last. Life rides it hard and sometimes it gets hung up wet and winds up wrinkled and out of shape. Newness wears off. As sad a fact as it is, beauty just doesn't last in this world. Now love can, but it might not look the way it did when you first felt it."

Turning to Cor I told him, "When you love someone you have to accept them for who they are."

Looking at both of them I said, "This battling has to stop. The people on this estate need each of us in our own way and they need us together. They need you Cor because you are the head of the family. You represent continuity and security. They see you working hard and being responsible, part of the past and the road to the future."

"Francine, you are the first lady. You can bring beauty to life and make them remember there is more to their lives than just work. You are also the connection to the other estates, the other long time families of Kipling."

Francine asked bitterly, "And what about you? What do they need from an Outlander like you?"

I shrugged. "Me? I remind them the way I should remind you why they work as hard as they do, what could happen if they don't. I show them, up close and personal, what exists outside the settlement boundaries. Nobody living today went through the Dark Days. It is too easy for people to forget that time. But when people see me, they see what was. I have known great loss from a battle I did not choose. I have known brutality. I have known subjugation and slavery. I am with them every day, sharing their lives, sharing their labor, working with them to secure their future so that they do not have to share my past."

When they tried to start the squabbling again I told them, "Enough! They need each of us … responsibility, security, continuity, reminders of the past and hope for the future. We have to work together or we are not going to pull this off. Bad times are coming and in my experience bad times breed like feral cats. We have to be strong together so we can be strong for them."

Looking at Francine I told her quietly, "I will live with whatever opinion you may have of me, but I won't live with not doing my duty. If you can't find it in yourself to understand anything else, at least understand duty to others means more than feeling sorry for yourself and wishing things were different. Put it aside. Cor will. I will. You don't have to keep on at this. Aren't you tired? Don't you just want some comfort from Cor to make it feel better? He didn't do anything to deserve you being so angry."

I'd given her an out and she took it. She burst into tears and ran into Cor so hard he just about fell over into the book case. The great big lunkhead just stood there with his arms outstretched holding the account books and looking like he'd been kicked in the head by a buffalo. I shook my head and took the books out of his hands and finally he hugged Francine and I could tell that he really was willing to work things out. He looked almost as relieved as Francine did.

If love makes that kind of fool out of folks I'm pretty sure that I never want to be in it.


	33. Chapter 33

_**Chapter 33**_

"Fel! Fel! Open up … it's cold out here and I can't see to get in!"

What on earth?! I opened the door and then had to move fast to avoid Cor taking me down as he fell face forward in a mighty crash. At least I thought it was Cor … I was sure it was his voice. Problem was the man was buried under a bear. OK, not the whole bear but the skin.

I had my knife in hand and when I didn't see any threat I thought it was just him being silly. Sometimes the boys of my town would drape an animal skin over themselves and then come to the long house trying to scare us but as I helped him to untangle himself where he was rolling around on the floor I realized it was something different all together. When I finally managed to lift the bear skin off of his face I got a wiff of fumes that were so thick and strong they probably cushioned his fall.

"Cor!" I yelped falling back for a moment to let the smell thin out a little bit. "Did you fall into a vat of Jonah's spirits?!"

He moaned as he sat up. "Don't you laugh."

I hadn't been up to that point but the look on his face in the firelight was enough to set me off. Cor doesn't do drunk very well. I told him, "You better sober up or Francine is going to have a fit."

After Cor and Francine made up a few days back things had settled down nicely. In fact they were back to billing and cooing enough to turn a sane person's stomach; which is to say they were back to where they used to be. I couldn't believe that Cor would mess that up.

"Francine is why I …" A noxious burp almost had me gagging.

"Ugh. Point that breath some other direction will you? Preferably outside the cabin if you don't mind."

Sounding pitiful he said, "I would if I could but she won't let me."

I shook my head. "That bear skin came off a male bear, not female, and if you will just hold still I'll get it untangled from your legs and you can leave."

"You're still laughing aren't you? Well, you won't be laughing when I tell you it ain't the bear that I'm talking about."

Drunk he may be but Cor wasn't completely senseless so I grew cautious. I got him untangled and watched him use the table to get to his feet then weave his way to the door almost running into the frame. He looked back at me piteously and said, "It's stuck."

I shook my head and went over to see what he was going on about. The cold air was coming into the cabin faster than the fire could push it out. Whatever he was on about I wanted it over with so I could close the door that he had fixed. And yes, he'd fixed it himself explaining that he believed if he broke something then he was responsible for repairing it or making it new somehow. He called it being personally responsible for the consequences of his actions. I called it being just bull headed enough to make people forgive him for acting like a donkey's behind.

Outside the cabin a little ways down the path was a wheel barrow piled high with stuff and on the top of the pile was a rocker. Looking closer I realized the wheel was hung on up a root. "Oh for pity sake. I'll pull, you push … where do you want this stuff? And hurry up, I'm in my night clothes and it's turning off colder that a gravedigger's daughter."

Another burp made me really glad we were standing outside where the fumes could waft someplace besides the fire where they might lead to an explosion they were so powerful.

"Here," he said looking like a hound trying to curry favor.

"Here where?"

"Here here. It's for you," he said going back to looking grumpy.

"Hmmm. Well I might can see why the rocker would fit here since you kinda broke the other one but since I don't have a garden growing inside the cabin I don't see why the barrow belongs here."

Cor groaned. "Don't Fel. My head hurts and this is such a mucked up mess and I need to explain it."

We got the wheel barrow to the cabin door but instead of bringing it inside he brought what was in the barrow inside, starting with the rocker.

"Cor! Stop swinging that thing around. Just set it down and I'll move it. Remind me to put a bell on you so that I can tell if you are heading to the spirit cellar. You are a menace when you are drunk." I gurgled another laugh and he leaned against the doorframe for a moment and groaned.

"I'm telling you it's not funny," he grumped. "Here, take this stuff so I can tell you what she is up to now."

He handed me a pile of sacks and crates then shut the door, barred it, and leaned against it. He started to slide to the floor but I caught him up and then turned him and said, "It's time for you to go Cor. Go sleep it off."

He really groaned pitifully then. "Fel I would if I could, I swear I would, but I can't because she won't let me."

"Seeing as how I don't see anyone stopping you …"

"All you have to do is look off towards the main house and I'm sure she is watching through her window … standing guard to make sure I don't sneak back to the house. For all I know she has someone watching us and if word gets back to her our whole plan is going to fall through. You think the stink she just made the other day was bad? If she gets wind of our agreement I can't guarantee either one or both of us won't wind up like that grizzly did."

Beginning to get concerned I said, "You mean Francine."

"Of course I mean Francine! Who else could turn our nice, simple agreement into being akin to getting skinned alive?!" He stumbled to sit in the chair but it was full of stuff and so was the rocker so he settled on the edge of the bed, holding onto the post to keep himself from sliding off. In a drunk monologue where everything turned into one long sentence he lamented, "First she acts the way she acts then she acts like she has lost her mind then she is sorry and goes back to acting the way she is supposed to act then out of the blue she gets a bug that we aren't a 'real' family like she grew up with and she won't … won't … well she just won't until I spend a week in your bed so she can prove to that deranged family of hers that she's doing things all right and proper! A … whole … flaming … week!"

I was flabbergasted. The problem was that the last sentence seemed to be the last I was going to get out of him. He'd fallen backwards on the bed and no matter how I poked at him he wouldn't wake up. The breath coming off of him was turning my stomach so I finally just took his boots off, dragged what clothes off of him I could and rolled him into the bed so he wouldn't catch his death of cold and leave me in an even worse pickle.

I stood there looking at him, shaking my head. He would give me news to drive me nuts and then pass out. How like a man.


	34. Chapter 34

_**Chapter 34**_

Even with the door closed the cold was pressing on the cabin. Jonah had said a weather change was coming but it seemed it was changing a bit more than we had anticipated. I thought about my nice warm bed and then smelled Cor and thought, "No." I'm not averse to sharing warmth, my sisters and I did it, but I refused to gag all night long because of drunken belches.

I scooted the heavy rocker over near the fireplace and then pulled the chair over as well to prop my feet on. It was the first I'd really taken to look at the rocker and discovered it was a fine piece. Looking even closer I could see a carving had been burned into the wide piece where my head would rest. I was startled to realize it was a picture of this cabin from the outside, complete with cedar trees, pines, and the little foot bridge over the stream. Just barely discernible in the bottom right of the headboard were the words "Fel's Cabin".

I looked over at the sleeping man and shook my head. He was such a mixture. Man one minute, boy the next, part clumsy puppy, and part something else altogether that I didn't have a name for. Down deep there was a part of him that was sad and needy that made him do stupid things but he could also be strong and kind and be responsible when others needed him to. Most of the men that I had known weren't all that complicated; if you fed and watered them enough generally they wouldn't bother you too much except for the obligatory rousting when they got together to egg each other on. Cor on the other hand was complicated; no wonder he made himself miserable so often. Men who think see too much and once you've seen something it is awful hard to unsee it.

Thoughtfully I picked up the bear skin and draped it in the rocker. I sat down and propped my feet in the chair and then wrapped the rest of the bear skin around me. I would be snug as a bug in a rug assuming I could fall asleep. Between thinking about Cor – who by then was snoring in time to the wind that had picked up outside – and about what all he had said I had an awful time putting my new concerns aside so I could rest.

I would need to do something for Cor. I wasn't going to owe him for the rocker. I knew he broke the old one but this was something above and beyond and it made me uncomfortable. It was out of pecan wood and was fresh made; I could tell by the smell. I'd discovered that Cor was a fine carpenter – I'd watched him fix the doorframe he'd broken and watched him refashion a new door out of a thick panel of seasoned wood from the estates wood shed. He'd even cut the panel so that there was a small door I could look out without having to open the whole door. He'd also nailed in a metal grate on the outside while the small sliding door was on the inside. As nice as the door was, the rocker was another level of woodworking completely. There wasn't a rough edge or sharp corner on it anywhere. It didn't just look sturdy it felt sturdy and the rocking motion when I tried it out was dead smooth with no squeaks.

As much as that gave me to think on the more immediate problem was trying to figure out what Cor had meant when he'd described Francine's ultimatum. I had accepted we'd have to do some playacting when we made our agreement but what she wanted was definitely not part of anything that I had considered. Cor didn't either from his reaction. I suppose I could have been insulted but I wasn't. If I had been a man and faced with coming to me and trying to explain what my other wife was determined to have I might have knocked back a jug or two myself.

I finally dozed off some hours after the little clock that had appeared on the mantle told me it was midnight. And when there was a hesitant knock on the cabin door when gray light was just filtering in the windows it didn't take me much to open my eyes and sit up.

I discovered I had buried part of my face under the bear skin and when I pulled it out the cold in the air curled the hairs in my nose. I dragged it with me to the door and slid open the little door to see Jonah standing there wrapped in a heavy coat.

"I know yer … er … keepin' company Gilly but we needs yer and Young Cor. Bad freeze come in overnight and some o' the pipes from the pumps ter the house hadn't been wrapped yet and we gotter mess. Everything that was still in the garden is rurnt too."

I said a foul word that had both Jonah and Cor growling. Jonah because he was reminding me not to put Mrs. Wiley in a mood with such talk and Cor because he claimed it was a rude thing to wake up to. After Jonah left I said, "It's just because you're hung over. Serves you right. And you better not puke your guts out in here … you are starting to look a little green."

He ran outside and into the bushes just in time and then came in hopping and skipping and swearing where the frost had tried to cut his feet and asking for his boots when it was too late. "And what happened to my clothes?!" he growled too loud before grabbing his head. He looked at me through bloodshot eyes then whispered, "Did … did I … I mean …" Going a deeper shade of green he asked. "Did I do … anything … to um … I mean … I was in your bed and …"

I rolled my eyes and said, "Do you think me such a weak ninny I couldn't deal with a drunk?" At his sad look I shook my head. "Honestly Cor, lighten up. No, you didn't do anything you need to apologize for. Now stop standing there like the cabin is going to fall on you and come in so I can shut the door. I'm not dressed either and don't want to catch lung rot in this cold."

He finally came inside shivering and went over to the fire and poked it up. He started to put a piece of wood on it but I told him, "Don't do it for my sake. I need to get out in the garden. Didn't you hear Jonah?"

He sighed as he tugged on his shirt. "I heard. Uh …"

I looked at him and once his brain caught up with his ears he realized I was serious when I told him what my state of undress was. He wrenched around to face the fire. "Fel … you … you shouldn't …"

Growling because I was getting tired of his foolishness I told him, "Cor … if we are going to get thrown together like this you are going to have to deal with those scruples of yours some way other than the way you are going or you are going to blow out a vessel in your brain. Honestly, if it turns your stomach that much to be around me just try and think of me like a sister or something."

He mumbled, "It's not … that's not what … Fel, you sure this isn't bothering or upsetting you?"

I snorted impatiently. "Cor, I know we haven't spent a particular amount of time together all things considered but do you really think I'd let something go unsaid if it was bothering me?"

He was silent for a moment that turned around to find me walking being a maple paneled screen. He made a little racket when he realized I was getting dressed but not enough to be a bother. He did say, "We need to talk."

I came out from around the screen dressed for the day – it was too cold to take long doing it – and told him, "And how. But right now isn't the time for it. Jonah wouldn't have come to get me … us … if it wasn't serious."

We walked together over to where we saw Jonah standing with some others. Regardless of what I said I was squirming inside over what everyone must have thought was going on in the cabin. I hid it since it was all part of the plan but Cor wasn't doing so good. If he squirmed any more he'd look like a worm in hot coals. But it didn't take long for all of us to put such thoughts out of our heads. A mess was before us.

I left Cor and the other men digging out around the pipes that ran from the well house to the rest of the outbuildings and the big house while I walked over to where the women were standing with Mrs. Wiley lamenting the loss of what was left in the garden.

"Why should everything be lost?" I asked.

"Gilly, just look around Honey … this freeze done kilt ever thing," said one of the women.

"It may have gotten the plants but for pity sake, I'm not leaving any of those fruits on the vine to rot. Tell me you know how to save green tomatoes and pumpkins and such."

Mrs. Wiley sighed and said, "I would if I could Gilly. The stuff has frozen though."

"So?" I said almost getting sassy. "My Gran always said that God gave you trouble just so you could feel good about overcoming it. I can't tell you the amount of green tomatoes I've eaten since I was just learning to chew." Surprised they were still looking glum I said, "If the pumpkins are green but their skin is still soft you can cook them up just like a summer squash … I'm in favor of squash and onions if anyone is asking. Reckon we can cook up a bunch today and have it eaten up too 'cause I can just imagine how hungry those men are going to get digging in this cold weather."

Turning around I spotted some boys trying to slink off. "Topher! Get your gang over here right now."

"Yes'm Miss Fel," he called glumly.

I explained to them what I expected and they grabbed some baskets and started picking the remaining pumpkins and sorting them into two piles – soft skinned and the ones with skins that had already hardened.

Turning to Mrs. Wiley I said, "We can use the soft skinned ones up today and tomorrow too if they'll last. After they're used up we can switch to the hard shelled green pumpkins and peel them, cut them into chunks, flour them up and then fry them. You can also batter those chunks and deep fry them then sprinkle them with sweetening and I bet the boys would clean you out of any extra that might be left over."

Given the notorious appetite that Topher and his crowd had there were several chuckles at my words. Then I went on to the green tomatoes. "My Gran and Ma did all sorts of things with green tomatoes. Made them into pies that taste kind of like your apple pies, pickled the little cherry sized ones, mixed them with apples to make something she called a chutney, she breaded and fried big slices and then smothered them in white gravy, made relish the same as I saw you do with pickles. Then there was salsa verde we had on founding day and green tomato mincemeat pies that we only ate when Padre came to celebrate the Christ's birth with us. Gran and Ma never let anything go to waste in the Outlands. If you let something go to waste God is going to think you need less since you are being wasteful and next time you might find out you don't have enough." Mrs. Wiley startled me with a hug and we got down to business.

I was not joking when I said my Gran and Ma used up everything until there was nothing left of it. When I saw the boys pulling plants out of the field and tossing them into the fire Mrs. Wiley laughed so hard when she said I looked like an angry goose chasing after them.

"Well," I said a little embarrassed after I'd come back. "You don't waste anything green that can go on the compost."

Ma explained it that for everything you take out of the ground or that the ground gives you, you have to give something back. If you don't the ground stops giving you things. Da said she was superstitious but that it was true that you needed to put compost and stuff on the garden or you would steal all of the minerals for the ground and plants couldn't grow in it. I didn't see as there was much difference in what they meant, only in the way they explained it but I wouldn't have dared to sass my folks by saying such to them.

It wasn't the work that was miserable so much as it was the cold and wet we were working in. I was also bleary eyed from very little sleep. The cold was probably the only thing keeping me awake.

Some kind soul kept a couple of cauldrons of warm drinks going and every once in a while Topher or one of the other boys would put a mug of something in my hand … midmorning it was broth and that suddenly made me realized I hadn't had a first meal and that I was hungry.

Topher was still there dancing a little from foot to foot. "What?" I asked him.

"Um … Miss Francie said she … um … wants to … um …"

I said, "Where is she?"

"Over at your cabin with Mr. Cor."

Hmmm. "OK, tell Mrs. Wiley I'll be back as soon as I can."

I started walking toward the cabin wondering if Francine had finally come to her senses but as I approached I realized I was out of luck again.

"Cor, you promised," she whined. "You said we would be a real family and here you are covered in mud and out playing with the men instead of taking care of your responsibilites."

Highly offended Cor retorted, "Playing?! I'm working!"

"And you promised me that you would honeymoon with Fel and make us a real family. Can't you even stop for just one week and treat a woman right?!"

Well that put a snarl in Cor's voice all right. "Fel and I do not need a blasted honeymoon. I have given in to this need of yours to replicate the family you had growing up but dammit Francine … don't tell me how to treat a woman. If Fel isn't complaining I don't see why you should."

"That … that woman is uncivilized and doesn't know any better. I've come to accept that as a second wife she isn't the perfect choice but that I can live with it if it gets us closer to our goal. But your next wife …"

"Next wife?!" Cor yelped.

I was beginning to think Francine wouldn't know commonsense if it slapped her across the face like a fresh caught fish. I was cold, tired, wet, and cranky … in other words not in the best state of mind to deal with Francine's brand of foolishness. I came up on her and snarled, "The flaming plague scourged world does not revolve around you and what you want Francine! Do you think I, that any of us really want to be out grubbing in the cold mud and muck?! There are things more important than honeymooning and doing what would be easy ... if we don't do this people will starve! Do you know what that means? Have you even ever had to miss a meal? No matter whether I could put if off on someone else or not, the plain fact of the matter is I will not. I will not put my head down tonight or any other night knowing that I haven't done what I ought for these people. I won't live knowing I wasted this last opportunity God gave us to take care of our people. And frankly I don't know how you could." Getting real wound up I told her, "What is more you won't! You will get up off your self-pity and misery. You will get in that kitchen if I have to roll you there in a barrel. And you will do it to make your aunts and Elder Lathrop proud if you can do it for no other reason!"

I took one step towards her and Francine took off running back to the house. Beyond exasperated I stuck my hand out to Cor and said, "No more wives."

He looked at me, then at my hand, then back at me and then stuck out his own and we shook on it. "No more wives," he agreed.

In a sour mood we both stomped back to our work. I caught Francine trying to disappear back into the house by a side door but stopped her. "I'm not kidding Francine. If it takes writing a letter to your precious aunts or Elder Lathrop I'll do it. You are going to start participating in the life of this estate instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Play … time … is … over. I won't be pushed around and I'm done standing back and letting Cor be pushed around. He doesn't deserve it from you and I could care less if I deserve it as no matter what I'm not going to take it. You want to eat then you are going to work just like the rest of us."


	35. Chapter 35

_**Chapter 35**_

Well, maybe I did it and maybe I didn't … fix Francine's wagon that is. She's been fairly decent to be around and work with … for Francine anyway. I was irritated that it took a threat to get her rear in gear but whatever; sometimes you take what you can get in this life. To be honest I'm not sure if she came to her senses or if she worried that I'd really write that letter … which had she pushed me I surely would have … but either way life is starting to roll along better than a bent up baby carriage like it had been.

Cor seems to really like the new Francine … except for one thing. The new Francine is just as big a busy body as the old Francine was about demanding that Cor "honeymoon" with me a week out of the month. I suppose you can't have everything in this life because it wouldn't be good for you … like too many sweets or something … but if he had been given a choice I bet he would have been willing to give up something really nice to get out of that particular "pleasure."

The day of the freeze we were both exhausted and filthy by the end but the pipes were replaced – good thing that Cor's da had stockpiled a bunch of cast iron pieces when he originally had the well dug and run using some old tech he had managed to replicate. "Could have used clay," Jonah told me. "But still nice ter have all that cast iron."

When my part was finished I went off to the cabin and then realized that even though I was so tired my head felt like it was going to fall off there was no way I could sleep in the mud and dirt I was caked in. I felt like saying another bad word but figured I had used my quota when I had said one that morning. I stumbled into the cabin and re-lit the fire. I was so tired I was shivering and if I hadn't been so filthy I would have just said to heck with it but I was and there was no getting around it. I would rather wash my body on a cold day than before forced to wash all my bedding because I had been too lazy.

I went back outside and brought the small tub in that I used to wash my clothes and my body in when I wanted to do it privately. It was still a little light so I didn't have to worry about falling into the stream to get water but gracious that stuff was heavy and cold. The fireplace in the cabin was decent sized so I was able to have a pot over the heat to get the water boiling while I put more in the tub just to have it ready.

I pulled out my drying cloths and hung them on a rack by the fire too to get them warmed up. Took long enough that I started to doze but finally the water was boiling and I took it off the fire, replaced it with my teapot, and then poured the boiling water into the barely above freezing water already in the tub. It warmed the water up so I wouldn't feel like a piece of ice floating in a small pond, but it wasn't much warmer than that.

I washed my hair first. That was a major chore right there and I wouldn't have done it if the heavy mass hadn't soured. I'd been glad to find soapwort in the estate gardens and dug a bunch of roots. I used a solution of defused soapwort root and dried chamomile to get the dark brown mess clean and after rinsing used what had gone into the tub to wash the rest of my body. I was just about ready to come out of the tub and dry off when the cabin door banged open.

Seeing who it was I shouted, "Shut the door! I swear one of these days I'm going to scalp you! Didn't your Ma ever teach you manners?!"

Cor shut the door with a bang then kept his back to me and shouted, "And didn't yours ever teach you to lock doors?!"

Shouting right back, "This is the first door I've had to lock in several years. I keep forgetting there's a latch to keep looby men like you out!"

He was still facing the door but I saw he shoulders shaking. "I am not looby," he snickered.

"Are too," I groused back just as ready to chuckle at the situation as he was.

"Uh … we need to talk," he said.

I said, "Not until I'm dressed we don't. Don't peek."

I hopped out of the bath and dried off as fast as I ever had in my life but wound up wrapped in a quilt trying to dig out clean clothes. Cor asked, "Can I turn around yet?"

Frustrated I said, "Only if you want your eyes to burn from your head. I haven't done any wash and I'm trying to find some clean clothes in all this mess. I put your packages over in the corner but …"

"They aren't my packages and there might be something in there you can use."

"Huh?"

"Are you … uh … decent?"

I mumbled, "Depends on who you are talking to. Why?"

He snorted. "I mean have you got all of your … uh … parts covered that are normally covered."

"I'm wrapped in a quilt lunkhead. What do you think?"

Carefully he turned around and peeped between his fingers. When he saw I was more covered than normal he relaxed. I told him, "There was this monster called Medusa that used to turn men to stone. That's the way you treat me."

"Ha!" he muttered. "With your hair all over the place like that you might just be kin to her." Then he stopped and looked at me. "Where did you hear about Greek mythology? I thought you said that your town didn't approve of females getting education."

I nodded. "They didn't but Da didn't care much what anyone thought. He said he wouldn't go to his grave not doing his duty as a father and leaving me ignorant in the world. What he didn't teach me directly I picked up here and there. I used to find pieces of stories and books in old buildings and bring them back to my sisters. Usually it was only bits and pieces but one time I found this whole book and it had all these stories in it. The author was even a woman. Her name was Edith Hamilton."

Cor nodded and then randomly he said, "One of my sisters that died was named Edith. She was the one closest in age to me. I can barely remember her except for the time she threatened to drown me for doing something to some doll of hers."

He'd caught me off guard with his story and I laughed. "You probably deserved it."

"Probably," he agreed. "I was a rotten kid. Now here, open this."

Before I took it from him I said, "This is that thing that you can't bring Francine back things unless you …"

Impatiently he admitted, "Yes but that's not why I did it. Look, I just … felt bad … that you got dumped into this situation because my father couldn't pay off his own debts. I just … look, open it already."

Trying to think of a way to tell him that he didn't have to make up for every little thing his Da wrought I pulled back the paper and found what I thought at first was a dress. Only it wasn't a dress it was a real night gown like I had seen in Francine and Winnie's laundry. Only it wasn't the thin see through things that didn't do much but add a layer of shadow; it was thick like a man's shirt and kind of looked the same around the neck.

"What is it?"

"It's … er … a … um … night gown."

"I know that I mean what is it? It's so soft and warm and what are all these squares of color?"

He relaxed. "Oh. The material is called fleece and the pattern is called plaid. It was one of the things we traded for up in the north east. I figured you wouldn't have anything warm … I mean … coming from the Outlands and Winnie suggested … uh …"

I shook my head. "You um and uh and er more than just about anyone I've ever met. But if you really mean for me to have this … it is mine to keep?"

"Of course it …" he started outraged. Then he got that kindness in his eyes that always confuses me and makes me wonder what kind of person he could be if he didn't have all the worries always hanging onto him. "It's yours Fel."

I scooted behind the screen and then shivered my way into the night clothes and then laughed at how I looked.

"Does it fit?" he called.

"Sure," I said. "I've just never had anything new and that came all the way to the top of my feet before."

I came out and pirouetted for him and he smiled and shook his head. "Come here and open the rest of these. You'll like them too I hope."

I'd never gotten so many presents at one time in my whole life. Da would give me things when he could but life was hard and if he had set me too much above the other girls that wouldn't have gone over very well with the town elders.

"What are these?" I held what looked like moccasins only they were made of the same material as the night gown.

"Slippers. They'll keep your feet warm on cold nights like this. And that's a robe and will help too. We don't usually get real cold weather until January but Jonah said he thinks this year is going to be bad."

In another package there was a comb, brush and a couple of things that Cor told me were hair nets. In another there were several pair of wool leggings to go under my skirts. Feeling overwhelmed I said, "Cor … you … you didn't have to do all this. Besides, wouldn't it have been better to pay off debts with all the coin this cost?"

"It didn't cost me coin Fel. It was part of the barter." Seeing the look on my face in the firelight he added, "I really did want to make sure that you had things of your own. Winnie told me you didn't have hardly anything when you came but the clothes on your back. There are some bolts of fabric up at the house. Mrs. Wiley said she'd get them made up into clothes for you. I see they got you to give up some of your leathers but you need more than what you've got. I don't want people to say … well … what some of them are probably already saying. And I saw your sister Docia again when I was taking the salt the fort. She told me to tell you not to be such a fuss budget and that I was doing my husbandly duty by you."

I rolled my eyes. "I think we've had that conversation already."

"We have. But think on this … it makes me feel better to know that members of my household are taken care of. Our agreement might be a little … different … than most but that doesn't mean I don't still consider you a member of my family which means I have a responsibility to take care of your needs. At least Francine has that part right."

I looked at him and saw an awareness in his eyes that hadn't been there before. Francine was messing up. It didn't have to be as hard as she was making it and if she didn't stop things would get a whole lot harder.

"Maybe I shouldn't have hollered at her like I did," I said regretfully.

He sighed. "You weren't wrong. What's wrong is that it took hollering to reach her." He sighed again and then looked around like he wanted to change the subject but couldn't. "She … she still won't let up about me … us … spending …"

Trying to make it easier on him so I would have to see the pain in his eyes I asked, "Does it have to be all day or will she settle for you sleeping here at night for a week?"

He shrugged uncomfortably. "She agreed that we both had work to do during the day but she's adamant that I spend the night in … uh … your …"

I shook my head and told him, "The word you are looking for is bed."

He cleared his throat and said, "Yeah. She made me promise to sleep in the bed Fel. She'll ask me and I can't lie to her about it on top of everything else. She'll know. For the … you know … that other part … sex … I can say we are sleeping together and that'll satisfy her, she won't ask intimate questions but she'll know if I try and hide that we aren't at least sleeping in the same bed." Then he steeled himself and looked at me and said, "This has to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't believe my wife wants me to sleep with another woman. Why?!"

I shrugged and then sat on the rug in front of the fire since he seemed in the mood to keep talking. "It's the way she was raised. If you were raised like that it wouldn't seem such a strange thing to you."

"Strange isn't what I call it," he muttered. "Could you … share I mean?"

Looking into the fire I thought about it. "Cor, I never thought too hard about the future if I could help it. The picture was never pretty and was often just plain frightening. If I thought about it at all I figured some man in the town would finally force himself on me giving me no choice or I'd be sold to another town and given no choice that way. As bad as you find this situation we are in it is still better than what I was living and had to look forward to."

He shook like a dog that had felt a flea crawl on him. "That's bad all right, but that doesn't answer my question."

I snorted impatiently. "Well then the answer is no. There are a lot of things I have no problem sharing but my body with more than one man would be at the top of the list of things I wouldn't do."

"Why?"

I looked at him thinking he'd lost his mind and then saw he was really serious. The things I talk about with this man I wouldn't have ever even talked to Docia or Hannah about. I sighed and answered, "Because I have enough trouble with the idea of sharing my body with one man. I doubt I could get that close with more than one, especially not at the same time."

After a moment Cor nodded. Finally getting up the nerve I asked, "Cor, are you and Francine … you know … getting along OK? I mean you don't think it is some kind of excuse so that she doesn't have to be … I mean … with you … like a … you know … a wife?"

He adjusted his shoulders and then settled back down. "I suppose you deserve a chance to ask questions if I ask them of you." He shrugged. "That's part of the reason I don't understand Fel. We're just fine in that department; always have been right from the beginning. She seemed awful surprised by it too … like she'd been listening to the wrong kind of stories. She was … uh … eager and … well, let's just say even being parted from her for months at a time I've never even had the least desire to stray. All I've ever wanted was to be with her and now she wants me to … to be unfaithful."

He seemed so forlorn I reached over and patted his knee. "Well we fixed that part of it. Thing is, I work all day … I can't just sit up all night talking Cor. And there's only one bed and it would look funny putting in another one this late in the game. It'd probably make people talk."

He sighed and said, "Yeah."

Taking the problem in both hands I said, "You know how I told you to think of me like a sister?"

He turned his head and gave me a cautious look. "Yeah."

"Well, what I propose is you keep on thinking of me like a sister. It is too cold to sleep on the floor for either one of us. I shared warmth with my sisters when we lived all together in the long house. I think we can share the bed … sleep … and no one will be the wiser and twit us about it. What do you say?" He looked alarmed but after a few more minutes of talking he finally admitted it was the only real solution to it.

It was growing late and there was still a lot of work to do tomorrow as we intended to start slaughtering animals to cull the herds down to a manageable size for a hard winter. I crawled into the bed and then sat up waiting for him to do something besides stare into the fire.

Finally he sighed a deep sigh that sounded like it came from his soul. Not looking at me he said, "Turn your head." I opened my mouth to say something and he added, "Humor me."

So I closed my eyes and turned my head towards the wall. After what seemed like a long time I felt him get in bed. "Lay down and go to sleep Fel."

I don't normally put up with being bossed around but he sounded so sad and uncomfortable that I did as he said and felt him dragging what turned out to be the heavy bear skin over us. It had been a long day and I was exhausted. It didn't take me long to fall asleep but something woke me in the middle of the night.

The cabin was dark except from the glow of the coals in the fireplace. I could see a lump sitting in the rocking chair and realized that Cor had gotten back up at some point. I sighed and got out of bed. When he didn't react I realized he was asleep. I shook my head at his foolishness and then pulled the bear skin off the bed and draped it over him.

It was early morning but still dark when I felt the bear skin being laid back over me. Then Cor crept quietly toward the door. I stopped him with a question. "Did it freeze?"

After a moment he said, "I think so but not as hard."

"OK. Give me a minute and I'll be up to the house."

And that's all we said. He came the next night and we talked for a while and then he climbed in bed, I woke up to find him in the rocker and I covered him with the bear skin, and then he left the next morning early. This went on for four nights. That night when he got in beside me I said, "When you get up, take the bear skin with you."

He grunted, "I don't want you to get cold."

"I get cold having to get out of bed to cover you up so you don't get lung rot. Just take the bear skin.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

It seems to me that Cor is holding onto his scruples to the point of foolishness. But if they bring him comfort I'm not going to tease him about it. I did almost laugh when the week was over with. He acted like he'd been pardoned of some heinous misdeed.


	36. Chapter 36

_**Chapter 36**_

October turned into November and we got unexpected visitors in the form of a couple of Francine's "cousins" and one of her "aunts." By this time I had gotten curious enough to ask Cor what was up with all of the female relatives that Francine had and he explained the cousins were cousins but not related by birth but through one of her father's wives' sisters. The "aunt" was basically related the same way.

"Doesn't that give you a headache trying to keep that stuff straight in your head?" I asked him as we sat in front of the cabin fireplace drinking some warm cider and waiting for the sun to go down so we could go to bed without embarrassing the daylights out of each other.

"Pretty much," he admitted. "That's why all I can give you is a general description and not specifically who or how they are related. And unless you want a headache too, don't ask her for her family genealogy. The whole lot of them will start citing chapter and verse and it will take the rest of the year and you'll end just as confused as you started."

I laughed although in a sense I suppose it wasn't funny. I imagine keeping who all you are related to and how closely would be serious business in a society where multiple marriages were the rule. The Lathrops had once been one of the largest families within the Kipling territory. The plague that took so many girl children had hit them inordinately hard in part due to how closely packed they were in their living arrangements. It probably led, at least in part, to how … er … forceful they are being about making their lifestyle more acceptable in other Kipling families.

I could laugh, despite how serious the consequences had been for the Lathrops and through that now for Cor and I as they strove to reinvent their way of life, because Cor and I were easier in each other's company. Easier that is in almost any place excepting the bed part. He still got up at some point to sleep in the rocker. Sometimes it seems that he is afraid of me … or himself. I'd try and put him at ease but I'm not sure it would do any good and I don't like to waste breath on fruitless endeavors. We get along fine and that's all I really look for. And it's nice to have someone to talk to that I don't have to play pretend with. I know what everyone else thinks and while I mean for them to think it, it still bothers me some that they can yet know me the way they do.

Truth be told I didn't want to upset Cor by bringing all of that up too much. Unlike September and October, November was a slow month. September we had the garden and harvesting. October there was that first early freeze with unseasonably cold weather behind it and then the animal slaughtering and getting all the cuts of meat and sausage and the like into the smoke house or dried into jerky. After all that November was just plain boring. There was nothing to do. It was hard to find ways to keep myself busy. Francine and her female relatives have the house. Mrs. Wiley has the kitchen. What little bit of outdoor work there is Jonah takes care of and when I try to help he shoo's me off. H

The cabin isn't a lot of work to keep up with so that leaves hunting to keep me occupied and sometimes it is just too cold to do that. The only relief from my own company is the time that Cor spends with me.

On the one hand I resent Francine and her family forcing me into this ridiculous act of pretending I am Cor's wife. On the other hand … well the other hand doesn't bear looking at too closely if I can help it. Actually spending time with a man and learning to consider him a friend is not something I had ever thought would happen. I consider my Da a special person and no one like him existed after he died. Now Cor is nowhere near up to taking my Da's place, no one ever will, but he isn't difficult to have around now that some of his nervous puppy-ness has been gotten under control. He is a wonderful partner to hunt with.

Unlike my sisters I don't constantly have to shush him. Cor is big and wiry but he doesn't tromp through the woods like some I have seen. Jonah is the only one that beats him and Jonah is small and wiry though he has gotten almost too cautious since the bear smacked him good. Jonah's caution is what started Cor coming into the forest with me. Trying to teach Topher and the other boys to hunt during the winter was a frustrating effort; they figured if there was enough domestic animals to eat why waste the energy hunting. I was looking for something useful to do so I was bringing in a bit of fresh meat and Cor started going with me when I finally admitted the boys weren't worth the effort.

"You don't need to follow me all over the place Cor. I've been hunting since I was old enough to follow my Da's footprints."

"Maybe," he rumbled. "But you wouldn't deny a drowning man a rope now would you?"

I looked at him and asked, "What are you going on about now?"

"I can only hide in my office for so long before I'm pried out to come look at something, listen to something, give my opinion on something … I've had enough."

Figuring out he meant Francine and her family I smiled. "So you're saying I'm rescuing you?"

He shrugged. "Might as well be saying that. Let's just get while the getting is good or they might pull you into whatever they are getting up to next. Unless you want to play cards or listen to one of them read some lecture on the state of the family in Kipling."

I'm smart enough to recognize a threat when I hear one so we got … just as fast as we could.

After that we went hunting pretty often. Not every day of course because Cor had estate responsibilities that took him in different directions. Sometimes he would even take me with him. That's how I got to see the paper mill, the grist mill, and the huge silos where the rice harvest and other grains were kept. Occasionally on these outings I got some funny looks. I never know if it is because of being an Outlander, being female, or supposedly being a 2nd wife.

I enjoyed getting out around the estate and seeing things but after a particular incident Cor wouldn't let me come with him anymore.

"What did you want me to do Cor? Let that man take me?"

Cor was still so angry there was steam coming off of him. "Of course not. I'm not blaming you for having to cut him. I'm angry because one of my own men – a worker on my own estate – would … would …"

"You can't control everything Cor. And so long as you aren't mad at me then I'm fine. Just forget about it."

"Forget about it?!"

I winced at his volume. "Geez, no need to get so loud you knock the birds from the trees. I can see why you'd be upset. I'm not exactly happy myself. I just mean I'm fine … as my Da would say no permanent dents or discolorations. You don't need to fall apart over this."

He'd still been so angry by the time we got back to the estate he had told me to go to my cabin. Well fine I thought but I did stay there just because I didn't feel like making a big huge explanation of everything. But then he shows back up well after dark and he's still roasting hot with anger.

"I … am … not … falling apart," he growled. "I take loyalty very seriously. I placed that man in a position of responsibility because in the past he had proven I could trust him. The fact that he would abuse that trust, be so disloyal, and to try to …"

I finally got him to sit down in the rocker and drink a mug of something warm. "Cor. Listen to what I'm saying. He's not the first man to try to … to force himself on me. Now wait, just hear me out. No need to get so frayed around the edges." Once he had settled back down I said, "If he had tried this with Francine it would be a different situation but I know the look that was on that man's face. I've seen it on the face of others … some were even guests in your house. I'm nothing more than an Outlander trull to some of them. They don't think it is fair that you have a pretty wife and also have a useful whore."

He slammed the mug down so hard he almost cracked it, sloshing cider over the table I kept between the rocker and chair. "Will you stop saying that?! You are not a … I'm not even going to repeat it. I don't want to ever hear you say that again."

I snorted. "I know I'm not. You know I'm not. Most folks don't treat me like I am. But face it Cor, you aren't the only one this side of the Lathrop estate that can't wrap your head around the idea of having more than one wife. To many Francine isn't just your first wife she is your only wife. I was only seeing our side of things until you took me around to other parts of the estate. If it is the Lathrop's plan to spread their way of life through all of Kipling, I'm thinking they have a lot further to go than they probably suspect. Add to that the shortage of marriageable females you've got around this place and it is going to be just plain awful for some men. In hindsight I'm surprised there haven't been more problems than there have been."

Twisting his neck this way and that Cor tried to let some of his anger go. "There's been problems, they've just been managed. We lost a lot of male children to the plague too so we aren't in as bad a shape in that respect as some of the surrounding territories are – the ratio is bad but not catastrophic so long as females continue to at least trickle in. We also send groups off on exploration runs, trade and barter runs, tech and resource collection runs, and other avenues the council is using to bleed off some of the tension."

"Well, there you go. And part of that man's problem might be that he lost his wife not that long ago to another man. Might have made him a little crazy."

Cor shook his head, "I refuse to allow that to be an excuse. That was a choice he made, not something he was incapable of controlling. He deserves the punishment that is coming to him."

I let it go. Cor can be as stubborn and as unmovable as a wall when he sets his mind to it so that was the end of me going around with him. He must have sensed though that I was getting bored and worried that it would lead me to mischief because when he went off someplace he would come back and tell me what he'd done and seen. Sometimes he would even bring his account books and work on them at the cabin explaining that Francine and the others were banging away in the music room and creating too much racket for him to think.

When Cor wasn't around or we weren't out hunting I was working on some projects of my own. I started with a pair of leather slippers for Cor to wear when he was in the cabin. The moccasins let him leave his boots at the door instead of tracking in mud; it was just too cold anymore to go barefooted even with the fireplace lit up and roaring. I made him a coon skin hat from one particularly fat fellow that had been turning pig on what he snitched from the pumpkin patch back in late summer. The biggest piece however was a leather hunting overshirt that he could wear to keep his cotton shirts from getting snagged to pieces when he was out in the part of the forest where the trees grow so close together you sometimes have to wiggle between them.

I owed him for all those presents he gave me and for making my life better than it was even with all the unnecessary complications we had to deal with. But I don't guess I did him any favors because after Francine caught him wearing the hat and overshirt she accused him of "going Outlander" just to spite her and that she was so embarrassed to have had her cousins and aunt see him dressed like that.

Francine didn't use a lot of sense in how she attacked him and he took to wearing the hat and shirt everywhere just to irritate her I think. I snuck it out of the laundry to try and keep the peace but he came stomping down to the cabin asking me where it had gone to.

"Don't drop the flap on your long johns. I put it away until you and Francine calm down and can act as civilized as you claim to be. I know she didn't have the sense not to get you riled up but you don't have to egg her on the way you've been doing either. What's got into you anyway?"

He grabbed the tea kettle and seemed happy to find something in it for his mug then flopped down into the rocker. "I don't know. We were getting along fine … really good in fact. She hasn't had one of them headaches in a while. Then out of the blue she's started acting strange again. She expects me to work all day and then get dressed fancy for dinner and then stay up what feels like half the night entertaining her and her family. She complains I have started to act too rough and that I never listen to her."

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Listen to her."

"Of course I do … at least when she is making sense. She started on about me getting another wife the other day – in front of her family no less – and I just got up and walked out of the room rather than make a scene. I can't believe she would bring that up again. And if it isn't that she's going on about all the wonderful things she misses about the Lathrop estate. She's trying to talk me into all of us going to visit them and I am not – absolutely not – doing that until after I pay off what I owe to them and can do it as a free man."

That was a bad day and I finally appeased Cor by suggesting he wear the gear when we were hunting or if he wanted to he could wear it around the cabin but that wearing it just to put Francine in a snit wasn't the best use of his time.

Other days they would be so sappy sweet it would curdle your stomach. I swear Francine could live the life of a queen if she would just let up a little bit on some subjects. All she has to do is just barely offer him encouragement and he is sniffing at her heels. It is sweet in a nauseating kind of way. Not that I do a lot of watching. Francine's cousin, the one named Glyssen, caught me one time and she started to giggle and say wasn't it just the cutest thing. Gag. I guess it was cute but it is too much when force fed a steady diet of the stuff.

As November turned to December the first real snow fell and I wound up more alone than ever as Cor, Jonah, and a lot of other estate people were busy tending to repairs, cattle, and I don't what all that got complicated by the bad weather.


	37. Chapter 37

_**Chapter 37**_

"Doesn't do any good to latch the door Fel if you don't latch the windows. All I had to do was pull back the shutters and push the window open to climb inside," I heard Cor scold.

I gave him a bleary eyed look and knew I should have some smart answer handy but couldn't find where I had left it. Even had I found it I was unable to use it as a series of booming coughs left me gasping for breath.

"Teach you to take a dip in Tumbler's Spring this time of year." He was teasing me. I knew he was teasing me but I was having trouble remembering why, then it clicked.

"It was either me," I rasped. "Or Topher followed by most of the other boys. I still haven't taught them not to walk like a bunch of ducklings all stepping on top of each other. And half of them don't even know how to swim. We would have been digging floaters out of the spring for who knows how long." I started coughing again and then tried to push him away so I could get out of bed and get something to drink.

"Yeah, it was you worrying about pulling out floaters and had nothing to do with the fact that you play big sister to them little orphan boys every chance you get." He shot back at me. Then as I continued coughing around what Gran would call post nasal drip he asked me, "How long have you been coughing like this? Wait. Don't tell me let me get the door open and you can tell them at the same time." Following the insistent knocking followed by Cor sliding the latch back, in came Mrs. Wiley and Lollie Hudson who wasn't just a midwife but one of the village yarb women. If their tut- tutting was to be believed, neither one of them thought much of the sounds I was making.

After a few minutes where I learned that I was in no shape to get my way Lollie declared, "It's not down in her lungs but all that snot needs to break loose and come out if for no other reason than so she can rest. Someone needs to keep the fire going so she doesn't catch a worse chill and make sure she gets enough to drink. She seems to know what she's doing … gargling with cayenne, honey, salt, and cider vinegar … so the only thing I'm going to add is a warm ginger bath for the aches and pains from rolling down that bank on them rocks."

Since I'm not fond of being treated like a piece of furniture I groused, "I'm not dead ya know. I'm even in this very room."

Finally they stopped poking and prying and left me in peace but just as I was dozing off again Cor woke me back up. "Need to sit up Fel unless you want to wear this broth."

I cracked my eye open and glared at him as balefully as I could but it didn't seem to have any effect. I finally sighed, "Just leave it. I'll eat it in a minute."

"You'll drink it now or we'll both be on Mrs. Wiley's short list. C'mon … here let me help you sit up."

I coughed and told him, "I don't need help. I need to be left alone so I can sleep this off. It was just a little dunking for pity sake."

I felt as limp as a rag doll and about as strong compared to Cor who was manhandling into sitting up and then held the mug to my lips giving me no choice but to drink the flaming stuff or wear it. I finally pushed his hands and gasped, "Enough. You're worse than Docia. I don't want to drown in chicken broth."

The smart aleck said, "Should have thought of that before."

"Ha. Ha," I told him tiredly. "Now will you let me be? I just want to sleep."

He shook his head. "Sorry Fel. Worst is yet to come for both of us. The better you cooperate the faster this will be over with."

I was only half way listening to him and almost didn't react to the door of the cabin banging open again. The cold air made me pay attention though. "What the …?" I would have barked it out be all I could do was sneeze when the cold hit my nose hairs. Once I sneezed I started coughing.

I finally got it all under control as the door was closing. I rasped out, "Was that the boys? What are those tree rats doing banging in and out of here like a bunch of half loco calves?"

In this really silly voice Cor says, "Your bath awaits Mistress Fel."

I looked at him like he had lost his mind. I did not feel like funning. I did not feel like getting out of the bed. I sure as heck didn't feel up to a bath. All I wanted to do was sleep. Cor's slightly playful look began to wilt. "Look Fel … I know. I'd feel the same in your place. And what is worse … this game we're playing has got us and we have to play it out a little further than I figure either of us expected."

Feeling grouchy I asked, "Are you making sense yet?"

He shook his head. "You'll be sorry when I do. Mistress Lollie says you need to bathe and wash the sickness off of you and she's put a bag of chopped wild ginger and something else strong smelling in the water – probably turpentine, rosemary, and camphor giving how it is making my eyes water. The faster we get this started the faster we get this over."

It took a minute for his words to make it through the fog my brain was in. "The bloody blue blazes we will," I coughed. "I'll send you into Tumbler's Spring for your own dip if you so much as …"

The only thing I got to do was give a weak squawk. He flipped the covers off of me, picked me up, carried me over to the tub, stood me briefly on my feet, grabbed the hem of the night gown, wrenched it over my head, and then plopped me into the water that was hot enough that his manhandling wasn't the only reason I was making noise.

Looking everywhere but at me he said, "There. That wasn't so bad. Getting you out is going to take a little more … uh …"

"I … will … skin … you … from one end to the other," I growled at him. "You give me just one excuse and I'll do it right now. I …" I started coughing again and the harder I tried to stop coughing the deeper the steam from the bath got into my lungs. I felt his arm go around me and he held me up from behind. I struggled until I realized it wasn't his arm but a drying cloth I felt on my bare skin.

Finally I was able to get my breath back but felt so weak I was just about ready to lose my composure. Startled Cor bleated, "Hey, you … you aren't crying are you? Fel, I'm not gonna … uh … hurt you."

"I … I know. I just … don't look. Don't look you hear me?"

"I'm not. Just sit in the tub a few minutes more and let that steam open you up. I need to strip your bed."

"Nooo. Just go away Cor. I can take care of myself."

"Nope," he said shaking his head for emphasis. "Not gonna happen. For one thing this is the week I'm supposed to sleep here and for another I'm not leaving you to cough your insides out by yourself. Francine is already pitching a hissy about germs and how we might have a plague on our hands and I don't know what all. Even if I wanted to sleep in my room she'd stick me on the sofa in my office rather than risk a cold herself."

Feeling awful I snapped, "Well then go sleep on your old sofa. Francine can take a flying leap and I don't care what you say about it. I ought to go sneeze on her just to give her the green willies … her and them wet hen relatives. I swear I'd rather have Muriel and Hazel here acting all sanctimonious than those giggling ninnies always pointing out how cute you two are and how I could learn a thing or three if I would just pay attention to how civilized Princess Francine is and …" He was bending down by the tub and I tried to throw the wet towel at him but he dodged.

"Fel don't be so upset. Francine isn't the only reason I'm here and neither is the dem calendar. I … well … I just figured you would be less upset about this if you thought it was."

Feeling embarrassed about being such a cranky, crybaby I told him, "Oh just go away and stop being so nice. It's irritating."

I curled up in the tub and leaned away from him and put my head on the rim, trying not to fall asleep and slide under the water and drown as properly as I almost had when I fell in the spring. It didn't work; I didn't drown but I did fall asleep and was being lifted out of the water and wrapped in a big drying sheet before I was fully awake.

Sternly Cor said, "Stop fighting me Fel. You're going to need your energy to get into some clean …" He stopped talking and sat me in the chair by the fire. Someone – I hope it was Lollie or Mrs. Wiley but I'm too chicken to ask – had laid out a clean night gown (one of the new ones they had sewed, this one out of heavy muslin) and loin cloth and I got the idea from Cor's rigid profile that his patience was at an end.

"Go over there," I told him quietly. He did as I asked and I got dressed the best I could. It wasn't fast but I didn't need any help. As soon as he heard me making my way back to the bed he turned around and came over and picked me up. I didn't complain; the floor was cold. I didn't say thank you either though. I just wanted to be left alone.

I slid back under the covers and was ready to sleep when I heard him pull the chair over to the bed. "Cor honestly," I sighed. "I'm fine. If you've got things you need to do I don't need a babysitter."

He didn't say anything but I could feel him staring at me. "What?" I finally asked.

"You're … you're marked up hard."

If I had had the energy I would have sat up straight in bed. But I didn't so all I could do was groan. "You said you wouldn't look."

"I didn't mean to," he admitted quietly. "But once I started … look Fel, I didn't see anything … er … vital. It was just … too hard … to look away once I realized what I was seeing." After a minute he asked, "Will you tell me what happened?"

I sighed. "I'm an Outlander. I'm female. I've got a mouth on me. Shouldn't take much more explaining than that."

"Your … your father … he didn't …"

"No!" I yelped which started me coughing again. This time a glob of junk came up and I had to spit it into a handkerchief. I made a face. "Da would have killed the men that did this to me only he wasn't around to do it. Just forget about it Cor. It would take too many stories to explain it all."

He couldn't seem to stop. "You … you were lashed. I can't believe they would do that to a woman."

He sounded more hurt by what had happened than what I chose to feel about it. I reached out and patted his hand. "I had a way of irritating certain of the men. Mostly because I refused to let them see they scared me. I refused their sexual advances too … sometimes pretty roughly when no one was looking. I tried to be careful but that wasn't always enough." I shook my head. "Just let it go. I have. That part of my life is over. All that's left are the scars. No matter how they tried to control my body I refused to let them get my soul. End of story."

"I can't believe you can even … Fel I … I don't know what to say."

I patted his hand again since it seemed to make him feel better. "Then don't say anything. Bad things happen. Sometimes we deserve them and sometimes we don't. It's up to us what we take away from it either way."

"Is that something your father taught you?" Cor asked.

"No. That's something Gran would say when something bad would happen to a woman of our acquaintance."

"How can you even … even … I mean … I swear you must hate me."

Too tired to figure out the logic of that I looked at him and said, "Don't be stupid. You haven't given me any reason to hate you. Now can I sleep?"

I groaned when he ignored my question with one of his own. "Haven't … ?! I dragged you into this … this sham marriage. You're caught … stuck …"

"Cor, you didn't drag me into this … your council did and if not them then those Lathrops did. Even then I don't think I can hate some of the individuals I've met. I don't care for Muriel but I don't hate her. Hazel … her I could probably live with if I had to; she can be as rough as an old corn cob but she's honest. Your aunt and uncle are on the council and … and I'm pretty sure I don't hate them … don't know Mona and her husband really but they aren't bad people from what I can tell. Mona is all right anyway even though she just thinks she knows what's best for folks; but, the Captain says that this situation has poked holes in that and now she is as touchy about it as Winnie is. I sure don't hate the Captain – or Winnie – and he's the one that brought me here. I guess I don't even hate that Elder Lathrop; he creeps me out but I don't hate him for it. He seems like he could be nice if I could get passed the lifestyle choice he's made."

He still had a confused look on his face so I tried to put it another H "Cor, I don't even hate the Headman and he's the one that did most of the stuff you saw … or ordered it done which is the same thing as him doing it. Hating is just a waste of energy and when you are trying to survive wasting energy isn't a good thing … it'll get you killed just as fast as any other mistake. Your Da wasn't a particularly nice man and you don't hate him do you?"

He got real still and his face became shuttered. Quietly he said, "I … don't know. Depends on what day you ask me. He's messed up my life so badly."

Pretty sure I was seeing a side of Cor he didn't share with too many folks I treated it with the respect he'd offered me by sharing it. But I wasn't going to just let him go on wasting energy either. "Your life is only as messed up as you let it be. You've got struggles sure and … and I admire you for not just throwing up your hands and walking away from it all. It took me a little while to see it but you really do care about folks, you're just not sure you can trust them with you caring about them." He gave me a look that told me he wasn't sure he liked someone seeing that part of it. "It's all right you know. Just because some of 'em realize you don't have all the answers doesn't mean you aren't still important to them and that they aren't wanting you to make a success of it as much for yourself as for them."

Quietly he asked, "How do you know that?"

"The way they talk about it and you. They know your Da didn't give you a good foundation but they see you trying to build one for yourself. And trying to shore up the one they live on too." Choosing my words carefully I said, "Your Da made mistakes … sounds like he made a lot of them. It is a good thing you are trying to fix the ones that you can … but you gotta stop letting the ones you can't fix eat you up. Cor, your Da's gone and not gonna say he's sorry for being such a donkey's behind. I don't know had he lived if he ever would have. I'm not sitting around waiting for the Headman to say he is sorry for what he's done to me … it's water under the bridge that no one can take back. And I'm not gonna let him destroy what future I can pull together either by worrying on him for the rest of my life. He's gone, out of it. If being blood related to me didn't matter to him then I'm not gonna let it matter to me and make it out to be more than it was."

It took a moment for it to sink in. "Wait. You were related to the man who did this to you?"

"He was my Gramp's nephew. Used to come around the house all the time. He used to be a nice man too as far as them men of my town went; he wasn't fond of women but he wasn't mean to them either back then. Only something changed him … power, the desire for power, maybe he got kicked in the head by a mule, who knows and I surely don't care anymore. Used to ick me out when he wanted to … I mean the laws don't forbid cousins from making babies but still … Gramp raised him like a son, like a brother for my Ma; I used to think of him as an uncle the same as Daphne does. That he … well, never mind about that. He chose his path and I chose mine. And now I'm here and he's there."

"But you have to live with what he's done."

"Well sure … but I gotta live with the fact that there are some nice things that he did at some points too. When Gramp died sudden from a sickness in his guts he was right there helping to dig the grave even though it was winter and the ground was almost froze. When Gran's bones got to hurting really bad, he went and got some powerful medicine from the Lakesider shaman even though we were in a feud with them; that took courage or craziness, still don't know which. When I went half-crazy after them Lakesiders killed my family and I killed them right back, he wouldn't let the man that was headman back then chopped my head off for being insane. He carried me to the long house himself and told the girls that was already there to get me washed up and keep an eye on me til I come back to myself. People are strange Cor. They aren't all evil any more than they are all good; I know sometimes it seems that way but it's not even though you might have to go back a ways to find something good an evil person did. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone does good turns even if they don't necessarily mean to. I reckon I've done enough bad things in this life, whether I did them meaning to or not, that I've got my own problems to deal with come Judgment Day. Gramp always said, and my Da said it too just using different words, that we don't forgive people so much for their sake as for our own. We keep dragging around on our hearts all the bad things that people have done and we're eventually gonna get to a place where our hearts are so heavy they just give out. Haven't you ever felt that when you hold a grudge it hurts you more than the person you're angry at?"

He nodded so I let it sink in. Eventually he said, "My father used to … to talk to me when he wouldn't talk to anyone else. Most of what he said didn't make any sense to me at the time and some of it still doesn't but it was still to me he said those things. And he'd build things for me to play with out of bits and pieces of broken tech; crazy stuff like a wind up dog that walked all on its own … or a catapult that really worked. And he took me on runs even when people said I was too young and … and he taught me about bartering and how to get a good deal and what to watch out for, that people lied or made what they had to be more than what it was. And he taught me how to deal with being disappointed … in deals that go bad and in people that … that …"

He fell silent. After a few minutes he stood up and leaned over the bed and pulled the covers over me. "You warm enough without the bear skin?"

I wasn't going to say anything about him changing the subject. I figured people can only deal with stuff so much at a time; I know that is how it is for me. "Fire make this place any warmer and we're gonna feel like we're in a sweat lodge."

"Get some sleep Fel. You need to get well. The boys are about to drive everyone to distraction."

"Then give them something to do to keep them out of trouble. Hard work never hurt no body," I said yawning.

"They're just boys and winter can be a dangerous time to be out working."

I snorted and woundd up sneezing before saying, "And they're gonna be men before you know it. Wouldn't it be a lovely thing for them to know what that means before they get there and have to figure it out on their own? I can give 'em a taste of what it means to be a man but I'm female … they need real men to show 'em what being a real man means. Who taught you?"

I didn't really hear what he said but I think he got the idea … and it seemed to give him something to think about besides the mistakes of the past.


	38. Chapter 38

_**Chapter 38**_

I will remember December as the month of cold … both the weather variety and what seemed to take up residence in my head and not want to go away. Doggone sniffles hung around for weeks leaving me cooped up in the cabin more often than not. I got reacquainted with relying on my own company and I was never as interesting as I wanted to be. Jonah, Cor, and others came by when they could but they were so busy during the day and tired at night that even when they came they weren't really there.

Towards the end of the month there were a few extra visitors arrive but only for a few days. Just like where I come from Christmas is quiet, spent either resting or in thoughtfulness for those so inclined. The day after there was a fancy dinner up at the house where both the family and their visitors and the workers shared their meal but I stayed at the cabin; I was still coughing and hacking and sneezing and it wouldn't have been very nice for people sitting anywhere near me.

I was in the middle of a long series of violent sneezes when Cor stuck his head in. "Well, at least I know why you didn't come to the dinner. I thought maybe Francine had forgotten to … uh … I mean … hmmm …"

I shook my head and then had to sneeze two more times before I could explain, "Francine didn't forget to tell me. She sent a note and everything. But as you can see, I wouldn't have been a very good guest. I sound like someone is holding my nose and I spend more time with my face buried in a handkerchief than is polite."

He gave me a small smile tinged with some relief that he hadn't been right about Francine and said, "It's more polite than not using a handkerchief."

I gave him a small, tired smile back. "That's finding the silver lining right enough."

"Hungry?" he asked.

I shrugged.

Cor placed a basket on the table and then turned to leave but stopped when he spied what I'd been doing to keep myself company. "Topher mentioned that you'd asked for some scraps from the woodshed. Who taught you to do this?"

"No one."

"No one? But surely someone …"

I shook my head. "My Ma used to carve buttons and buckles to bring in some trade and she and Da would sometimes carve fancy wood or antler knife handles for the blades that Gramp would make. Not too many though because there was only time for the fancy stuff during the winter and most people found it too expensive to bother with at the markets. Mostly Outlanders are plain folk unless it is ceremonial dress. Besides, things that click and clack and make noise aren't good for hunting or feuding."

"So your mother taught you."

I shook my head. "No. No one taught me. I remember watching them do it, so every once in a while when I have time on my hands … I put my hands to work. Better than sitting around doing nothing and being bored."

"You just learned by watching? Amazing."

His words were making me uncomfortable. "Don't. I don't want anyone to think I'm uppity. I just did it because I was bored. If you like it go ahead and take it."

"Take … no Fel, this is yours. Brother Tayburn tells the story a couple of times a year and sometimes we have a live crèche scene for Christmas in the village but it was too cold this year. I bet he would like one of these for the church though."

"Well then take it and give it to him."

He shook his head. "I already told you I'm not taking …"

"It's OK. I told you I just made this one to keep me busy. I have the one my Ma and Da made when they were first married. A couple of the animals are a little scorched but it was one of the few things that survived the fire since it was stored down in the cellar. You want to see it? Oh, wait, you better get back before you get in trouble for …"

He snorted, "I go where I want when I want. Francine's a little busy entertaining anyway. They've got a line dance going and I don't like to dance."

That stopped me short. "Uh … like it or not maybe you should really go back to the house. I mean … those men and all and …"

He stopped and gave me a searching look. "Francine just likes people to admire her, she isn't really interested in going off … it would … uh … tarnish her reputation."

"It'd do more than that," I said sarcastically. "And even if she wouldn't – though why she'd want to in the first place is beyond me since she's already got all the creature comforts and then some around here – you still don't want some man to get the idea …"

I was uncomfortable but he wasn't which was strange. "Relax. Francine already said you two had to put up with a little flirting. She said …"

"A little flirting?!" I blerted. "Well if that is all she had to put up with I'm glad but if you want my druthers I'd rather not have to put up with more visitors of the same nature next summer thank you very much. Some of those men had more arms than Shiva."

His mouth fell open and then he got an angry look on his face and asked, "Who is this Shiva fella? I've never heard of him."

I tried to laugh only coughed instead. "Sorry," I told him after I spit the wad of phlegm into the ever present handkerchief. "Shiva isn't a who really … he's a what. There was a small tribe of people that used to trade with Gramp when I was little and one of their gods was named Shiva. They had these little metal figures of him, it, whatever and the man-god always had at least one extra set of arms. Gran didn't have a lot of time for folks who believe in more than one diety and she used to say that men that were fast handed with the ladies had more hands than Shiva. I didn't mean anything bad by it."

He looked like he was ready to get wound up so I told him. "Water under the bridge. Besides, today isn't a day for that kind of anger. Now do you want to see what my Da and Ma made or not?"

I could see how he forced himself to calm down and then he said, "Sure."

I went to the corner cabinet and pulled out my old ruck sack and brought it over to the table and started carefully unwrapping the figures from pieces of an old serape that had burnt edges. I sat them out so that Cor could see how much finer the figures were than the rough ones that I had whittled were. "Every year Ma and Da would add another pair of animals. Gran said they were mixing up the stories … cows and goats and chickens were supposed to be for the nativity but all the other animals belonged in an ark. Da said it didn't matter, that all animals bow to the Christ Child and besides he meant to make Georgie an ark to play with but … but he ran out of time."

Cor picked up each piece reverently and looked at them. "How did your father know about all these animals. I've been all over and have seen some of these but I don't even know the names of some of these others."

"Da had an itchy foot before he run across Ma. From the time he was a little boy he'd roamed all over the place. Plus he said where he was from there was a building that had nothing but books in it and there were also stuffed animals on top of the shelves and hanging from the ceiling. His uncle was something called a taxidermist; means he fixed animals in poses – stuffed them sort of like dolls – only he was so good that he could make it look like they were still living. They kept the animals in a building called a mooseum."

"Museum not Mooseum," he corrected.

"You know what one of them places is?"

He nodded still looking at the animals then started pawing through some of the other stuff that had tumbled out of my rucksack. "They've got a small one at the fort. They have stuff there that tells us what life was like before now … some all the way back from way before the Dark Days. And the building with the books is called a library … like the one in the house only a lot bigger with a lot more books. What is all this stuff?"

I started trying to shove it back in the rucksack but he put his hands over mine. "You don't have to tell me Fel. I was just asking a question. I didn't mean to upset you. And I'm not going to take anything away."

I blushed. "I … I didn't really think you were. Just the only other person that has seen this stuff is Docia and Hannah and only Docia really knows … anyway … it's just stuff."

Persisting he asked, "Did it come from your house?"

I considered ignoring the question but then relaxed. "Some of it. Most everything from the house was stolen or burnt up by the time the Lakesiders were done with it. And it was weeks before I could … could stand to go back and sift through things. The only reason I did was because I needed clothes. Someone had already been going through what was left so there wasn't all that much. There was a stable that used to go with the carvings but it was crushed by a floor joist. This is my Gramp's pipe. He grew his own tobacco when he could and when he couldn't Gran would make up some smoking mixture for him out of catnip, lavender, hops, marjoram, passion flower, marigold or any number of things she would gather out of her garden. Mostly it was to relax him and help him sleep when even a long day at the forge didn't make him tired enough to forget the aches and pains of age."

I picked up a scrap of fabric tied to large ring of bone that had been rubbed smooth. "This … this is a piece of one of Georgie's nappies and this was his teething ring. He was just starting to get his first back teeth and they were pain … paining him a lot. He seemed to cry all the time."

I put the ring and scrap in the bag down deep so I wouldn't have to see it and think about what little had been left of my brother after the fire. Ma had tried to protect him but the fire had gotten her too; she was all curled up around him when the house finally cooled down enough for me to try and dig them out to bury them beside my Da.

I picked up a blade with a chunk missing out of it. "This was Da's. It was one that Gramp made. Da used it to hold off a big Lakesider – it chipped when he used it to block a tomahawk – but then another one snuck in behind him and … and split his head open with a couple of heavy blows. They scalped him in front of me … only they didn't know I was there. Probably would have done for me if they had known." I picked up a metal tomahawk head off the table. "This is what they used to kill my Da. Gramp made this too, you can see his stamp on it right there. The Lakesiders and our town used to be allies until we both wound up with stupid Headman more interested in what was in their pants than what happened to their people."

"Why's it all misshapen like that?" Cor asked.

"Because after I killed the one that held it I beat it on a rock until it couldn't be used to kill anyone else's da," I told him quietly but fiercely.

Cor reached over and gently laid his hand on mine. He said, "I burned down what was left of the building that fell on my father."

I whispered, "It didn't help did it."

"Nope."

Slowly I pulled my hand out from under his. I picked up a green glass bottle and said, "This used to hold a scent that my Ma and Gran liked to wear for special times. It all boiled away in the fire but sometimes I imagine I can still smell it. Lemon Verbena. You've got some growing out in one of the gardens. I thought about … about trying to make some … just for old times sake you know. It really isn't that big a deal."

"You can if you want to. You could wear it to the village church when they start having services again in the spring. My mother liked roses and carnations. Dad always said she smelled like a wake when she wore it … but she didn't, she smelled nice."

"Francine likes rose scent too," I said.

He shook his head. "No she doesn't. She only wears it because Winnie told her my mother did."

I looked at him and said, "You can't know that."

"I can too. She told me when we were fighting … after … you know … after I came back and had that big argument with you. And since she doesn't wear it anymore I guess it's true. Now she wears lavender."

"I know … she smells like the old sheets that come out of storage when we check them for moth holes."

I'd caught him off guard and he gurgled a surprised laugh and suddenly we weren't sad or serious anymore. He said, "Uh … maybe … maybe when you are up to it you can tell me more about your family. They sound different from mine."

I smiled, "I reckon they are though maybe my Da came from someplace sort of like this. He gave it up for Ma … and because he said he needed to be free and not locked in to someone else's plan for his future."

He leaned back in the rocker he was sitting in and said, "I almost gave this all up … the estate, my name, everything. Uncle Rob and I had a rip roaring fight the night I turned fifteen. He kept going on about how important it was that I learn how to manage the estate because he wouldn't be around to do it forever and all I wanted to do was be a boy and have some fun. That was also when I lost my last illusions about my father when I found out just how deep my father had sunk me in debt. I nearly ran away that night but something held me back. A couple of months later I was on my first barter run by myself with Luke Jackson and a couple of our friends; most of them were older and were talking about going out and finding brides for themselves. I could have run away again and no one would have known what happened to me … but turns out I got more satisfaction out of paying off the bills than hiding from them. I've gone away too many times to count since them … but I've always come back. The estate always pulls me back. It's home and where I belong."

I looked away, serious once again and he noticed. He asked, "What are you thinking?"

I shrugged, "Just wondering what that feels like … to belong some place like that."

"You belong here."

I turned to look at him … really look at him and let him see my eyes. "Like a piece of furniture maybe. Bought and paid for. I'm useful for now. One of these days I'm not going to be useful anymore."

Vehemently Cor said, "It's not like that Fel. You're family now. You belong here. The same way the rest of us do."

It was sweet of him to think so but I knew better even if he didn't. About the only thing that I could see keeping me here was to stop Francine from trying to bring on anymore wives for him to deal with. Maybe I could make that enough. Or maybe she'd give up that crazy idea altogether. Of course pigs could grow wings and start flying too.

"What are you smiling at?" he asked with a smile of his own I guess relieved that I had accepted what he said.

"Nothing."

Suddenly I started sneezing again and he said, "You better eat your dinner and get back in bed. And whether I want to or not I need to go back to the house before someone comes looking for me. Luke wanted to come say hello but I told him you weren't up for company." He gave me a look and asked, "You … you didn't want him to …"

"No! Uh uh. Nothing against your friend but he's like being around a sack full of puppies."

Giving me a suspicious look he went on to ask, "He … he didn't … er … uh …"

"No. He didn't er or uh or um or hmmm or anything else for that matter. He's your friend and wouldn't do that … or didn't do that with me even if he might be inclined to do it with some other female. Got it?"

After a moment Cor said, "Jonah said you took the Jacksons hunting every day they were here. I think Luke expected you to do the same thing again."

"Well what that boy expects and what he gets ain't necessarily gonna be the same thing. Now stop messing around. Your friend is still your friend and I know how to protect myself from men that aren't your friend. Enough said. OK?" I punctuated my statement with another sneeze.

Cor gave another relieved grin. "Sure. Still, I better hear you bolt this door after I leave and I'm going to check these windows too."

As soon as he left I ate and then crawled back into bed to sleep, but my dreams were uneasy; they were all jumbled up with real scenes from the past and imagined scenes of the future. When I finally woke, I was more tired than when I had gone to bed. As bad as the memories of some of my past are, it feels like I might have even more to fear from my future.


	39. Chapter 39

_**Chapter 39**_

January. The start of the new year. But to start something generally means ending something too. With the way things have gone I'm trying to decide exactly what that means for me and my future.

My illness ended just in the nick of time. We had a break in the weather and I was actually able to enjoy it. It was still cold but not the killing kind of cold or the storms that we'd been having. Two days after it warmed up we were all surprised by a caravan of wagons pulling in late in the afternoon.

A rider came up and when I recognized that it was the Captain. I sent one of the boys that were standing around gawping to get Cor and another to run in the house to tell Mrs. Wiley we needed warm drinks and that we'd need to get their rooms aired out real quick.

The ruckus drew the other people in the house's attention. Francine came out to the porch and was honestly pleased to see Winnie and the baby. I know it is bad of me but I thought for a moment she would resent having the attention taken off of her. I was wrong and I'm glad.

We were all happy for about five minutes. I stood back and watched the hugging and carrying on but then Winnie pulled me into it which caught me off guard. I was barely able to untangle myself before we hurriedly went inside to get baby Rachel and Winnie out of the weather where more ooo'ing and aww'ing went on as Francine's relatives saw the baby for the first time. I have to admit that she is a cute little thing with a head full of golden curls that I suspect will eventually cause the Captain to get mighty protective. She's a little spindly compared to what Georgie was, but then again Gran said Georgie was a whopper when he came out cause Gran thinks Ma had sugar sickness right there towards the end.

While the other women were still cooing at Rachel the Captain pulled the rest of us aside to give us some awful news. "Cor, yesterday riders from the Lathrop estate finally made it through the snow and to the fort. There's been a tragedy there."

Immediately Francine and her female relations got into a pucker. Now, I say that and I know it sounds bad but I don't blame them for their feelings. I suppose if I had family like that I'd get into a pucker too upon hearing there was a tragedy. I just wished they would have waited to get so upset until after the Captain had explained it; it would have made the telling a little quicker if we had only had to calm them down once.

"It isn't just a problem for the Lathrop estate but for everyone here in the territory … and some outside it for that matter."

My first thought was plague. They were a regular problem ever since the Dark Days and tended not to stay in one confined area but spread as people tried to move to avoid infection. The Captain's news wasn't plague but now that I've had a chance to think on it I'm sure some folks consider it to be just as bad.

The Captain asked, "You know that last bad storm that blew through?" At Cor's nod and with everyone hanging on his words, including Jonah who'd come in to welcome and Mrs. Wiley who had wheeled in a tray of warm drinks, the Captain continued. "It was bad at the fort, and looks like you suffered from downed trees from it here, but over the ridge at the Lathrop estate it had an unexpected component of lightning to it. Overnight they took a bolt to one of their fuel processing barns that was powerful enough that it escaped the lightning rods and ran across the grounding wire and caught some dry grass around the outside of the building. The best that can be determined is that it smoldered, passed under the building and then came up into the holding tank area. It was out of control before they even realized a fire had started and how widespread it had gotten."

Cor asked tensely, "How many killed?"

"None which is completely astounding under the circumstances. They've been warned for years that they were putting living quarters too close to their production facilities." He shook his head. "The fire burned too hot and too fast for them to even marshal a defense and get close enough to get physically hurt. However, it occurred at their largest production barn and spread to two adjacent structures. Best estimate from their report is that their manufacturing capacity has been cut by over half, possibly closer to seventy-five percent if they can't salvage any of the equipment and get base materials to get back on line. They also lost two large silos of grain when embers drifted on the wind and some silage for their animals."

I knew it was bad but Francine and her relations – and the others too – seemed to consider it an even greater catastrophe.

I said, "But no lives were lost."

Glyssen moaned, "You just don't understand. Without the fuel our family … they … they … they will starve!" Then all of them started up to crying and moaning.

I looked at the Captain and Cor trying to understand. "But they can plant crops in the spring."

One of the other cousins snapped, "Have you no feeling?! Our people are not Outlanders that grub for …"

Cor snapped, "That's enough. Yes, this is a tragedy but you do yourself nor the rest of the Lathrops any good descending to that kind of behavior and I won't have it under my roof."

There was something in his voice I'd never heard before. I saw momentary surprise on the Captain's and Winnie's faces as well. And quickly hidden satisfaction on Jonah's. Francine gave a little moan and then fainted dead away.

Shame on us but I think we all thought for a minute she was playing but it turns out that she wasn't. When she finally come around she was a green as a new pea. Cor carried her upstairs and Lollie, who had come by to see one of the men who'd gotten chilblains on his feet, was called to check on her.

I helped Winnie and the baby get settled while the Captain kept Cor busy until Lollie finished looking Francine over. A very irritated Lollie eventually all but threw Glyssen and the others from the room so she could actually do the looking over. I'll admit I had half an ear turned that direction and then Cor was called in.

I already had my suspicions. If it had been nothing Lollie wouldn't have taken as long as she did. The triumphant looks that Glyssen kept throwing my way also gave me a pretty good clue. When Cor walked into the Captain and Winnie's sitting area looking like he'd had an anvil dropped on his head I knew before he even said, "I'm … I'm going to be a father."

The Captain got a huge grin on his face and started the congratulations. Through the upstairs window I saw one of the boys run out to Jonah and a couple of men he was standing with and I could see they'd gotten the news too. There was happiness and relief on each of their faces. Part of me was happy and relieved too … but another part of me was scared of the unknown that gapped even larger in front of me. But if I've learned nothing in life I've learned that you can't let fear rule you or you are already dead twice over.

Winnie touched my arm and I forced myself to smile at her. "Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later."

My voice drew Cor and the Captain's attention and there was another awkward silence. I kept my smile firmly in place and told Cor, "Stop worrying, you'll be a good Da." He blinked and I told him, "I'm going to go see if Francine needs anything then make sure that Mrs. Wiley has all the help she needs down in the kitchen."

The door was ajar so I just went right on in to the sitting room. I don't know what those ninnies thought but they ringed themselves around her like they were her protectors or something. I rolled my eyes but kept my smile in place. "Just wanted to wish you happy and to ask if you want anything like ginger tea or biscuits or something."

Francine puckered up, "I don't like ginger; I prefer my special blend of tea. You know that."

I shrugged. "Well, you may prefer it but you can't have it. Most of the stuff in that blend of yours isn't safe for to drink when you're pregnant unless you want to give yourself a miscarriage or have the baby be born with something wrong with it. Your Aunt Hazel reminded me of it when she was here. Frankly I'm surprised she and Muriel didn't take it away from you then. It might have been part of the reason why it has taken you so long to get caught with child." At her arrested look I added, "Matter of fact, I'll get Lollie to make a list and we'll get rid of all the temptation you might have since you're used to drinking so much of it. You'll have to find some other way to settle your nerves from here on out … at least until after you're finished nursing this one. Of course by then you'll probably be caught with another one so you might as well give up all thought of that special blend from here on out. I'll talk to Cor so he knows too. Men don't always think of those things."

Glyssen snapped, "You're just jealous and trying to make her miserable."

My smile disappeared real quick. "Excuse me but you're looby. The whole point of me being brought on was to take some of the stress off of Francine so that an heir could happen. I've known and accepted that from the very beginning. Why on earth would I be jealous because I've done my job and Cor is getting the heir he needs?"

That stopped her, "You … you mean you … you really aren't jealous? I mean Francine … I mean she said …"

Francine pinched her cousin hard enough to make her say "Ow." I snorted. "I don't know what you think you know but I can assure you that I never figured on it being any other way than Francine having Cor's heir." I didn't tell her why I knew it would be that way of course. "He loves her. I'm just … just the extra. I'm here because Francine kept pushing at Cor and when that didn't work somehow or other she had a hand in convincing the Council to force a proxy marriage on him without his knowledge. The time Cor spends with me he spends because Francine forced him to, not because he especially wants to. Those are the facts. You might not have known them before but you do now. I'm no threat to Cor's heir and never have been." Looking at Glyssen especially I told her, "Yes, I'm an Outlander. But there isn't anything wrong with that. I doubt anything but an Outlander could have put up with this ridiculous situation for as long as I have. I'm … I'm practical. So, practically speaking, it only makes sense that after two years Francine is finally pregnant. And she's going to stay that way and you are going to help by getting rid of all the teas and concoctions she has hidden up here and don't tell me she doesn't. Because if you don't, I will write to Elder Lathrop and I don't think anyone is going to like what I have to say on this subject."

I turned and left the room leaving them to think whatever they would. I hadn't really thought too long and hard about Francine being addicted to those teas and such. I know it happens just like some of the men from my town would get addicted to the ceremonial pipe blend and as Gran would say would ceremony way more than was seemly. I don't know, maybe I should have thought more of the possibility but I didn't. The subject had come up and I'd skirted around it but nothing had ever forced me to take it head on. It all just came at me full tilt when Francine turned her nose up at the ginger tea the way she did. I don't even know if my suspicions are correct but for sure I've put her and everyone else on notice to be careful about what she drinks. No one else made much of it … no one that is except Winnie.

After dinner – a celebration dinner I would have avoided if I could have without making myself look petty and ridiculous – Winnie asked me to come up with her and see Rachel before she put her down for the night. Once we got to her room she closed the door firmly and turned to me and asked, "Is that smile on your face ready to crack yet?"

I hadn't been expecting the remark and the surprise caused the smile that I had plastered on my face to slip. I was having a hard time putting it back where it had been so I shrugged and gave it up. "Not really. Mostly I'm choking on the crow that Francine keeps trying to feed me but I figure she has some of it coming. I kind of pulled a fast one on her earlier today."

"About her teas and such; I heard," she stated.

I admitted, "Yeah."

Giving me a quizzical look she asked, "Do you … hmm … how do I say this?"

"Well, don't ask me since I don't know what it is you want to say," I told her with a smile to take the sting out of my words.

"Humph," she said and then made a face as Rachel's nappie said it was time to be changed. She got serious as she pinned the little wiggle worm into a clean and dry one and said, "Fel … I … I'm sorry I had a hand in putting you in this position." She looked down at Rachel and I could see how troubled she was. How can you be upset with someone that is truly sorry like that?

I reminded myself that it was water under the bridge. "Let it go Winnie. It isn't going to do you … or Rachel … any good to let it eat you up. I've … I've carved out a place for myself here. It might not be … well …" I stopped and changed direction because the last thing I want is anyone feeling sorry for me. "It is what it is and it is more than what I had before. Just … just let it go 'cause at this stage there isn't a whole lot either one of us can do to change things."

She looked at me but I could tell she wasn't done feeling bad but there was nothing I could do for her. I'd already told her to let it go but I couldn't force her to let it go. And maybe remembering would keep her from falling into the trap of good intentions in the future. Sad I have to look at it like that but better than choosing to be bitter and angry.

Then putting it aside for now she asked, "Do you think that Francine is too … too dependent on those teas of hers? I always thought they were merely an affectation but could there be something else to them?"

I shrugged. "Don't know. And before you get the idea that I don't care that's not it either. I'll see she stays away from them until this baby gets born, after that it's back to being her business … hers and Cor's. I'm not Francine's keeper. I wouldn't live my life like that but that's why I'm me and not her."

She nodded like she understood but whether she agreed or not I couldn't say. What she did say however was, "Cor needs to be aware of it. And he also needs to deal with it. Will you tell him?"

I sighed. "Looks like I will."

Then she got down to business and said, "The Captain shared that there have been problems between you and Cor."

I crossed my arms and told her, "All worked out."

She gave me a look and then said, "In other words mind my own business?"

I uncrossed my arms realizing I'd sounded like a belligerent two year old. I shook my head and sighed. "Don't take this the wrong way Winnie 'cause I really do understand that you mean well … for Cor … for me … the family … your sister's memory … all of it. But to my way of thinking people have meddled enough. Whatever there is of it, Cor and I are grown and we're going to have to … to figure this out on our own. I don't know exactly how we'll do it but we've managed with what's been thrown at us thus far. And this baby? It was inevitable. And Cor loves Francine."

Quietly she said, "I never said he didn't. In fact I know he does. But where does that leave you?"

I snorted. "The same place it was always bound to leave me Winnie. This is what folks wanted. This is what you all are getting. The rest of it? Well, that's a big fat unknown but whatever it winds up looking like I don't want it dictated to me anymore."

I turned and opened the door to leave only to find Cor standing there. I rolled my eyes and said, "Listening in at private conversations now?"

He opened his mouth automatically to deny it but then shook his head. "It wasn't intentional."

I shrugged and then scooted around him and down the hall. I headed for the kitchen and then detoured out the side door when I heard all the happy laughter in the kitchen. I had to detour around my next destination – the greenhouse – when I heard the same thing there.

It's not that I'm not happy for Cor; or for Francine for that matter. But the situation just brings home to me that there are things that if life keeps on the way it is that I'll never have. Might not even have them if things change either but I wasn't certain which way it would go right at that moment. I was trying to decide what I wanted to do, immediately and in the future, when Jonah found me staring into the forest considering a hike to Tumbler's Spring.

"Weather change is coming," he said.

I was about to say something about the weather always changing when I got a look at his face and realized he wasn't just talking about the weather. I shrugged. "Nothing stays the same forever."

"Might have been providential intervention getting them Lathrops off our backs."

"How so?"

This time he shrugged. "They's was getting ter big fer their pants. This fire is gonna hurt 'em … hurt 'em bad."

"How bad?"

"Ter hard to tell right now Gilly. Depends if it is as bad as the Cap'n be making out. If it is, gonna set that whole estate back a good spell. They's was always too dependent on that there fuel makin' operation."

I thought about it for a moment, "And you think somehow now they aren't the threat they were before?"

"Mebbe. But could make 'em worse if they's start calling in the loans or asking for payment in goods or land rather than coin. Gots ter see where this heir being half Lathrop leads. Right now there's no tellin'."


	40. Chapter 40

_**Chapter 40**_

I sat for a while and then decided that I was being stupid so I climbed in bed and tried to go to sleep. After an hour I was almost in dreamland when there was knocking. I groaned but got up quickly since the only reason someone would be knocking was for an emergency. I opened the door and there was Cor.

"What? What's …"

"Move and let me in Fel. It's late. And it's cold," he growled.

"And you're foul," I told him as I moved out of the way. I noticed he had a duffle in his hand that he dropped to the side. I just stood back and watched him prowl back and forth, too agitated to sit. "OK Cor, enough. You're going to wear the finish off the floor and I just got these boards sanded to get rid of the last of the splinters. What are you doing here?"

In a sing song voice he said, "What's wrong? Didn't you look at the calendar?"

"She didn't," I said having a feeling who he was mimicking.

"Oh yes she did. She finally tells me I'm going to be a father and then acts like she doesn't want anything to do with me. Says her stomach is upset and she's got a headache and no one cares how bad it is. She's even mad at her relatives because they are leaving tomorrow. Oh, and as for you, I wouldn't go near her for a bit … apparently you've turned the whole world against her somehow. She wasn't making much sense by that point. Glyssen and Winnie came in and started to calm her down and told me to go so she wouldn't get hysterical, that it wasn't good for the baby."

I finally pushed him into the rocker and put a pot of water over the fire and threw in a handful of basil. I found that when Cor was agitated I could use smells to calm him down … an old book I read once called it aromatherapy or something equally silly sounding. Basil was good when he was stressed out. There were other things I used too. Lavendar and Coriander oils mixed two to one made a good sleep aid. I would put a few drops on his pillow and he'd drop off real fast. Didn't mean he didn't get up in the middle of the night and move to the rocker but at least he got some sleep first. But tonight was definitely a basil night.

Cor's fists were bunched up and he had them lying on his knees tight as rocks. I looked at him and not knowing whether I really should or not I still said, "For you to have just found out you're going to be a Da you sure don't look too happy."

I watched him try and let the tension go out of his shoulders. "I am … about that. I … it … I mean …" He turned to look at me and I stepped back because the anger was deep in his eyes. "Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does life have to be this hard?!"

I sat in the chair and pulled my feet up under me. "Because I doubt we would appreciate stuff as much if it all came easy."

Almost in a snarling he said, "But it shouldn't be this hard!"

I sighed. "Cor, I can't know what to say unless you explain it better."

He opened his mouth and then closed it, shook himself, and then sat back in the rocker. "I don't know how to weave all the threads I've got in my hands into the right pattern Fel."

"Try."

He took a moment but finally seemed ready to talk. "I'm … I'm trying so hard to do the right thing, the honorable thing. Between Francine and everything else I'm so turned around. I thought her being pregnant would make things easier, more black and white. I had plans on how this was supposed to work out. I was going to get the estate out of debt. Francine and I would be free. She would get over me turning into her father with all these other wives to deal with and take care of. Instead, she's a good part of how I wound up in a proxy marriage I never wanted … and … and I … I didn't mean …"

I snorted. "Sure you did but I'm not one to take offense easy and you know it. Better that we can trust each other to be honest rather than have to go stepping around and tripping over the truth at unexpected moments."

He shook his head. "But the truth shouldn't hurt like this. Neither one of us should be in the position we're in. It's not f…"

"You better not say fair because that'll be the dumbest thing you've ever said."

He sighed. "Yeah, I know." He raked his hands through his hair. "I … even … she …"

"She being Francine?"

"Yeah. She hasn't … hasn't changed. She's known for almost two months that she's pregnant. She said she waited to tell me to make sure that I would build us a real family. It's like this test I keep having to pass over and over and over again. Fel, I don't know if I can keep doing this but if I don't … I … I think she'll take off for the Lathrop estate and stay there. Just take our child and … and …"

I was beginning to see it. "Are you … ok let me start again. Did she say this or is all this skullduggery from the Lathrops making you think that she might?"

Quietly he said, "She didn't say it out right but it feels like an unspoken threat. Either I do what she wants, what she expects, or she'll take matters into her own hands like she did with the proxy marriage." He looked at me desperately. "She wasn't like this when we were courting or when we were first married. I … I don't understand."

"Maybe she was and maybe she wasn't. I don't know, I wasn't there. I'll admit I don't know what to make of Francine most of the time. On some days it seems like she must know exactly what she is doing and on other days … she's like little girl lost and I'm sure that if anything is going on there is someone that has to be pulling her strings. I'm pretty sure I could like her if she would let me, but for all that it is at least partly her fault that I'm here, she can't seem to get over me being an Outlander."

"That's not the reason she … she has problems with you."

"What then?" I asked half of me wanting to know and the rest of me not particularly caring.

"Oh, this and that," he temporized. "But mostly it's because you're just so different. From what she's said she expected them to take into consideration her preferences and needs when they picked out someone for the proxy marriage. It was more like she expected them to get her a wife rather than another for me."

For some reason that struck me as funny, not that I hadn't thought the same thing. Just to hear it from Cor's own lips it tickled my funny bone.

"It's not funny. Why are you laughing?" he demanded.

"Oh … oh I know it's not exactly funny," I snorted from trying to control the giggles that wanted to control me. "And I'm not laughing at you Cor, honest. But I always wondered why they picked me for this second wife plan of theirs and now I'm beginning to think that someone decided to spite the Lathrops in general and Francine in particular and told the Captain to get the most ornery, backwards, independent, cussed female that he could find for the job. I knew from the beginning … even before they closed the deal … that I was set apart from my sisters. They must have asked the Headman who was the biggest problem or something along those lines. You have to admit they got their money's worth."

I wanted Cor to find it funny too but he stayed serious. "I think that I got dem lucky is what I got. And that you must have the worst luck in the world to have gotten put in this position."

Trying not to let Cor's weird mood infect me I said, "I'll tell you like I told Winnie earlier. This may not be the life I expected but it is better than the life I had. What I make of it is my own responsibility. We might wish that our lives took a different path but wishing never changed or fixed anything. It is what it is."

He turned to stare into the fire and slowly between one thing and the other the fight finally went out of him. "I want so bad to do the right thing Fel but every day that goes by I'm not sure I even know what the right thing is anymore."

"Don't be foolish," I said, swatting him with a small pillow that Cor used on his neck when he slept in the rocker. I kept its small inner compartment filled with fresh pine needles, rosemary, lemon verbena and chamomile flower. It helped him to sleep.

He took the pillow from me and put it behind his neck, probably to keep me from swatting him with it again. He made a face and said, "I feel foolish. I feel like I'm walking at the edge of a cliff and the dirt and rocks keep shifting under my feet."

"Then take things one step at a time until you get back on firmer ground. Let's look at the things we know. You love Francine even though she's done some strange things."

"Yeah," he whispered.

"And you're going to be a Da come summer."

"Yeah," he whispered again.

"You know you need to get out from under the debt and one or two more trips could do it after the really great one you just had."

This time he nodded, more confident.

"So keep doing what you planned and clear that mess off your plate before you try and fill it up with anything else."

He looked at me and sighed but this time it didn't sound so sad, like he was coming to terms with the day. "I suppose you've had time to think about what this accident at the Lathrops could mean."

I nodded. "A bit but I don't know them well enough to say which way it will jump. It could mean they're weak and aren't such a threat to the estate anymore. Could mean though that … well, with Francine being the unknown here … that they might try and get to you through your child."

He surprised me by nodding calmly. "I'll admit I'm a little worried about that. That's one of the reasons I'm inclined to overlook Francine's snit and just continue on as we have been."

"What's the other reasons?"

Looking a little uncomfortable he said, "Nothing … I mean they're something but they're just … uh … personal reasons that wouldn't make much sense to anyone else. I … uh … just …"

I shook my head. "There's nothing wrong in pacifying Francine right now if it keeps her from running off to her relatives. Plus, you love her and want her to … I don't know … get over whatever it is she is going through. But here's a bright side to think on, if things are as bad as the Captain said I doubt that family of hers is going to want her to come running … it wouldn't look right and you'd almost be obligated to fetch her back and if they objected to that people would start to talk. And, if I took Elder Lathrop's measure, what people think of them is important to the Lathrops. They seem to be real proud of their personal reputations."

He reached over and put his hand on mine surprising me. "Then you'll help me to keep that from happening? I don't know who all I can trust anymore Fel."

I patted his hand because he seemed so sincere but he sat back like he was startled and had been caught doing something he shouldn't have. "Cor, I know what you're saying. You wonder if the Captain and Winnie are going to start getting in your business the way they did before. I'm pretty sure they won't … at least not to the extent they have in the past. I think having Rachel kind of brought it home for them and they are rethinking their position. I know you don't think they would understand the deal we've made between us. I'm not too sure all of my sisters would either. But that's all between me and you and no one else has to be involved. We do this for our own reasons because it is just the two of us caught up in it. As for who you can trust, no one around here is going to calmly watch Francine take off to the Lathrops I can tell you that. As much as you're invested in saving the estate, the people of the estate are invested in you. They're trusting you to save their future, trust them to do the right thing too."

He was starting to drift off so I stood up but then he stopped me with a question. "Fel, does it ever bother you that … that we're lying like this?"

I sat back down. "Yes it bothers me. I don't like people thinking I'm no better than a saloon girl that I would settle for this kind of life. But I wasn't given any choice." I thought carefully before I admitted, "Most of the time I'm at peace with it Cor. If we were forever at odds like we were in the beginning I don't think I could keep this up … but for you … and to protect other people from the conniving of people like the Lathrops … I'm pretty sure I can keep this up as long as we need to."

"That easy?"

I wanted to throw the pillow at him again but he was using it. "No. And I never said it was easy. I said I could do it, don't assume because I can do something that I'm assuming it is going to be easy to do."

Groggily he asked through mostly closed eyes, "Did that make sense?"

I had to laugh if for no other reason than I was remembering the few times I had asked the same question of him. "Maybe not. All I'm saying is that I think I can do this if I have to. I'll probably go through days when I'll give you a different answer though so be prepared. My Gran always said the hard stuff is what makes us better people. My Gramp always told her that you had to want to be a better person for that to work. Today I feel like I want to be a better person. Tomorrow might be a completely different story."

He smiled then sighed. "I'm wrung out."

This time I did get up and move the pot off the fire so it wouldn't boil out and then added a log to the flames that were left. "Then go to sleep."

"I suppose I have to. I have to ride half way to the ridge to get Glyssen and the rest of them to the courier route. They want to go home and help with the cleanup and to see how their family homes faired."

Knowing how that probably went over I asked, "How torqued was Francine?"

Another tired sigh as he started to take off his boots. "Let's just say those hens are taking home a few singed tail feathers."

"Do you think it would be all right if I sent a letter home with them to Hazel?"

That woke him up a bit. "Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"Just want to … er …" I sighed. "I don't want to add more to your plate but … uh …"

He nodded then went back at his boots. "Winnie already told me that you think Francine is too dependent on those teas of hers and that she didn't like getting bossed around about it."

Well that was one way of putting it I suppose.

"I just want to let Hazel know that Francine is pregnant and that we are going to take care of her and just in case anyone is thinking of sending her special packages or treats that she should put her foot down about certain things being included."

He nodded. "Maybe you better. Sounds like you'd say it better than I would anyway."

The same old routine was repeated though he didn't crawl out of bed to sleep in the rocker until almost dawn. After he slipped quietly from the cabin I enjoyed a few extra moments of warmth below the bear skin then got up and wrote the note to Hazel making it as politely clear as I could what was going on. When I had finished I carried it over to the wagon driver and asked him to put it into the private correspondence for Elder Lathrop. Glyssen saw what I was doing and I saw her swallow but she didn't say anything about it.

After the wagon had turn the corner and was too far away to be called back I could tell Francine was winding up for a huge scene. I looked around but saw everyone getting ready to duck for cover. I had to apologize to Jonah later for the trick I pulled but the blessed silence that resulted from it was worth it.

"Now Francine, if you get wound up you are going to make yourself sick."

"I haven't been sick once and …" I had taken her arm and steered her right into Jonah's pipe smoke.

She got a great big face full and was trying to fan it away with her hand when I said, "Well, it'll be happening any time now. My Gran said it never failed and each woman would find something in particular that would set her off. The smell of an overripe outhouse. The smell of cleaning out the guts of a chicken before cutting it up for dinner. A great big dose of cooking cabbage or perhaps it would be the steam coming off a pot of boiling dirty socks. Or …"

She'd gotten more and more green with each smell I had reminded her of and suddenly she was puking. The more she puked the more she made herself puke. When it was over she was as limp as a dishrag and everyone had run for the hills. That was fine by me because I was going to get it in her head that I knew what I was talking about and if it had to start with the pukes then so be it.

"Come along Francine. This just won't do. You need to stay quiet. Let's get you a nice cup of ginger tea or a warm mug of broth with some biscuits. You can sit until you feel more the thing but expect this to happen ever so often. If you get worked up, you're gonna puke. You stay calm, drink your broth and eat a biscuit and your stomach will stay settled."

Gran and Ma always taught me that there was more than one way to skin a cat and while Francine wasn't a cat she was about to learn that I was done playing by her rules.


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

There are days when time passes so slowly you want to pull your hair out one strand at a time and then there are days that move as fast as a hummingbird's wing. Even though the days were normal if not downright boring it feels like I completely missed the month of February as it flew by. I barely even remember it. I stayed busy tending to Winnie and Francine but it wasn't as onerous a task as I thought it was going to be.

Winnie of course didn't really need me to fetch and carry for her but she seemed grateful that I was willing to; Rachel wasn't always the angel she looked like. For such a wee pretty thing she has a nasty little temper. If she doesn't get tended to fast she arches her back, throws back her head and cries loud enough to shatter glass. I don't even want to think about what she is going to be like when she starts teething. Georgie was an easy baby from what I remember but he just about gnawed the legs off the table when he started cutting teeth. He tried to chew off my leg a couple of times too.

Francine didn't really need me to fetch and carry either but keeping an eye on her was the job I had set for myself. I think I've managed it pretty well though a few times I've had to be a bit of a stinker and trick her into things. It's not that what I was telling her wasn't the truth but I laid it on a little thick to get the desired result. Like when she wouldn't get up and do anything I kind of mentioned that she looked like she was … ummm … spreading along the backside area and that if she didn't get up and move some it might stay spread and that labor would be worse for her. Another time I caught her eating sweets and then playing at being too pathetic and ill to eat the good meals that Mrs. Wiley worked hard to provide. That time I got her with the suggestion of spots and how people with spots would scar in unseemly places.

I honestly didn't understand why I had to do anything like that. You would have thought that she would have been eager to do everything she could to have a healthy baby … a Corman heir … and all that it would mean for her down the road to be the mother of the Corman heir if she couldn't do it for the baby's sake alone. It isn't like she had to do all of the work herself; people were tripping over themselves trying to make it easy on her. It is very confusing and there are moments when I swing back and forth between Francine playing at being stupid and helpless and her really being stupid and helpless.

Her mood swings could get pretty uncomfortable too. I know some women are like that but I'd never been on the receiving end before. The moon coming for a visit could make some of my sisters a tad cranky but nothing like what Francine could dish out. Crying like you've been handed a death sentence just because you are out of rice powder is way more than strange. And if I took heat Cor took at least twice as much. It got to where he was eager for his weeklong "vacation." Strangely enough that week seemed to be the only time he and Francine could get along. I had to listen to him tell me how much better she's doing and how she must be getting better because she was like she was when they first married. No sooner would the week be over and he moved back into the house and Francine would start on him all over again. I just couldn't figure the situation out. And it was making Cor just heart sick. He tried so hard but she seemed to know exactly what to say to set him off … and worse, sometimes she seemed to do it on purpose.

I'm beginning to think that maybe Francine is scared of something or just worried. The letters from home don't seem to help her and in fact she almost shudders when she gets one in the courier packet. I've asked her if she wants to talk about it, that I had a thick skin and wouldn't mind if she needed to let off some steam but every time I tried it only seemed to make her more upset.

I'm not exactly sure what is in those letters but if I had to guess I would say that some of it must deal with the bad news that is circulating all over Kipling about the Lathrops. Boy are they getting paid back for all of their maneuvering. The fuel production situation is bad, very bad. People in the territory are scared and worried. They want to know how they are supposed to run their field machines in the spring if the Lathrops aren't going to produce any fuel for them to buy. Most were counting on a spring resupply and that simply isn't going to happen.

The Lathrops took coin to secure most of the spring deliveries and now they are up a creek because they have to return the coin. That leaves them with very little to buy the supplies they need to keep their people fed. And no coin to barter or buy the replacement equipment they desperately need to rebuild with. Plainly from all the rumors not too many people are in a hurry to help them.

One of the worst arguments that Francine and Cor had was over the fact that she demanded that Cor take supplies to the Lathrops; she wasn't talking about a little bit either.

"Don't tell me there isn't enough to do what I want! I helped put just tons and tons of food aside! There has to be enough!"

"Help?! Don't give me that. You sat back and watched food be put aside but you didn't have a whole lot to do with the actual work involved. And that food is to get our own people through to the spring that in case you haven't bothered noticing doesn't look like it wants to get here any time soon. I already told you I'll take a wagon load of rice on my way out to my barter run but I won't put all the people that I am responsible to on my estate in danger in order to try and take care of the Lathrop estate at the same time. Other estates can share the burden."

She wailed, "But they're not! Everyone is turning against my family! It isn't fair!"

"I am your family, the people on this estate are your family. When you married me you left the Lathrop estate remember? As for what hasn't been 'fair' for the last few years is how the Lathrop elders have been really squeezing people over the fuel. I'm not saying it is all the Lathrops fault … other estates could have built their own fuel production set ups like we have here but they chose not to. But people have long memories Francine. Some of the deals that were made were pretty brutal whether you are willing to accept that fact or not. There are consequences. I'm not against the Lathrops making a profit; however, I'm not real fond of their methods and the influence peddling they had taken up doing. Now calm down before you make yourself sick."

She cried, she begged, she threw tantrums, but it wasn't until she threatened to leave and go back to the Lathrop estate that any of us realized just how much Cor had grown in his ability to handle Francine's strange starts.

"Leave? How? No one is going to escort you there and in fact from this point forward you are not to go anywhere out of this yard without an escort. You are five months pregnant and have no business throwing these kinds of fits; you are going to hurt yourself, and possibly the baby too. I'm also going to put the Council on notice of what is going on and if you do try and go to the Lathrop estate I'm going to make dem sure it gets hot for them harboring you and trying to take our child away. I'm not above thinking that maybe someone in your family hasn't put a bug in your ear to try and use our baby as a blackmail tool. Am I right?"

Francine is a poor choice of pawn, or maybe she is the queen on the board. I'm still not sure. But if she was acting she was doing a pretty doggone good job of it. There was no more fussing, no more scenes from that point forward. By another week going by Francine did another flip flop. She was calmer than she has been since she shared with us that she was with child. She was so good I was suspicious but Cor, being the huge lunkhead he is, swore to me that he had just needed to step up and be the man.

Trying not to say thing wrong thing all I could mutter was, "Uh … well …"

Cor smiled with so much confidence I couldn't bring myself to even think about busting his bubble. "Fel, that's what was needed. I needed to be a man instead of a boy. That's what Francine needs. I … I remember now how her father was. I used to think maybe he was too strict and he reminded me of my father at times. Oh he never yelled but all of his wives and kids knew where the boundaries were. I don't want to hurt Francine but … but I've made my bed and made a commitment to her and I've got to fulfill it, no matter what."

I shook my head. "Stop sounding like a martyr. You know you're goofy in love with her." Smiling I added, "You're such a lunkhead and top over tail that she's finally settling down. She's spending a lot of time with Winnie and Rachel. Might be the reality is finally settling in and she will lose her fear of whatever has been bothering her."

He looked uncomfortable for a moment before saying, "I fell in love with Francine the first time I saw her. She looked like an angel … acted like one too. This … this trouble we've had … it doesn't change that. I … I can't let it change that."

Cor had surprised me and come to visit for a while at the cabin even though it wasn't "our week." He looked at me and then sighed. "You know I asked my mother one time why she loved my father. I wasn't very old at the time but remember she'd cried most of the afternoon after one of his 'lectures' before riding off on one of his trips. She said you didn't get to pick the people you fall in love with."

Concerned and not real sure where his statement had come from or where it was going I told him, "Francine is not your father."

He shook his head, "I realize that but she does use her emotions to get her way too often like he did; different methods but with the same goal in mind. It just wears you down. I couldn't understand why my mother would stick around for my father doing that … I didn't realize at the time that if she left we wouldn't have any protection from him. Didn't really understand what her leaving would mean period. I thought if she would just stand up to him … well, as you say it is water under the bridge but there is one other thing I do remember vividly. I remember Winnie and Mona visiting while he was off on one of his runs; one I wasn't allowed to go on for some reason. They were talking to her about starting over or something along those lines – I wasn't supposed to be around, I'd skipped out on my lessons down in the village – and Mother said that she had to guard her heart against temptation of the wrong sort, that my father needed her even if he didn't know it and that she'd made a commitment that she would stay by him through thick and thin and that that was what she was going to do, that if she didn't she wouldn't have any self-respect left."

"Cor? Are you saying you don't think you are being a good husband? Because from where I stand you are … and you've had a lot more patience with some things than I would have had in your shoes."

"Have I really been a good husband Fel? I've … I've failed in so many areas. I … there's things … I … can't talk about them. Feelings … I've had … have … I … And you … look at what position I've put you in."

I reached over and put my hand on his arm. I could feel how stiff and bunched up the muscles were. "Cor, I'll tell you the same thing my Da used to tell me when I couldn't master a lesson right away … if you're looking for perfection you'll never find it. Not in others, not in yourself. All we can do is try the best we can to try and do it right as often as possible. Stop beating yourself up because you've figured out you've got a few flaws." I snorted. "Look at me. Look what I've done in my life. I'm not sure I could look any of my family in the eyes. I killed men before I was anywhere near grown and have killed since then too; sure I've got reasons for it but that doesn't change what I've done and that I'm answerable for it. Add to that I've got a mouth on me that would try the patience of a saint and get a little overly proud about it. I am so not perfect you would think I wouldn't be able to stand myself. And there are days when I wonder how I can if you want to know the truth. But I'm not sure I would have done anything any different if given a second chance at it. All I can do is try to be better from any given moment forward. Trying to go back and change the past is fruitless and stupid. Whatever you regret Cor, just try and not make the same mistake twice."

He sighed and it was a deep, troubled sound. "Easier said than done when … when what I feel …" He stopped and sighed again then closed his eyes like he had a headache. "Fel, I have to go in a couple of days if I'm going to make that contract deal and to be honest I just can't afford to miss it. Circumstances are such I need to make sure as few people as possible have any hold on me and the estate for any reason … especially the Lathrops. There are two scenarios that I'm worried about. First is that the Lathrops are so desperate they'd sell my debt to someone else and that would leave me in unknown territory. The second is getting crops in the ground, coming close to harvest, and then having the Lathrops or some other estate call in a loan and if I can't pay it they'll demand land instead … and it would be the land that held the ripe grains or the orchards or something. The Captain and I have worked out who would be the most likely to pull such a stunt and I think I can come back with enough coin to pay off those debts with this spring barter run, but I've got to act fast. Francine doesn't know it but I'm going to try and get part of the remaining debt written off in exchange for the rice I'm taking over there. I won't gouge them with the price, won't even charge them for all of the rice, but if they are in as bad a shape as is rumored, I might be able to get some benefit from it."

I shook my head. "Is that what has you all upset? I wish you wouldn't let it. Some of that is good business and some of it is just good sense. They had you in thumb screws, all you are trying to do is get out of 'em and prevent worse from happening."

He looked at me and some of the trouble had cleared from his face. "Yeah, that's some of it. The rest I'll just have to deal with on my own. But … but I've got something to ask of you and … and I … I don't know if I've got the right to."

The look on his face bothered me for some reason. "How are we going to know if you don't ask?"

He turned to stare into the fire. "I … I always had in my mind that once Francine got pregnant I'd be able to offer you some kind of … of freedom from … from this mess we are in." He chuckled cynically and shook his head. "Now I find out that … that I … I need you to stay Fel. I need you to. Jonah relies on you. The other people on the estate rely on you. They love their Miss Francie and they respect Uncle Rob and Winnie … but it is you they … they turn to. Even when I'm here they pull you into things, value your opinion or just want to have you involved because it seems to make them feel better, like someone is listening to them in a way no one else does. As much as I would like to free you from this mess if I do … I … I … Fel … I'm … I'm sorry … I …"

He was really broken up. I mean I could see the battle writ all over him, not just his face. "Cor I told you already, you really need to stop beating yourself up. I sometimes wonder if I'm needed around here … especially now that Francine is gonna have your baby and there will be the heir everyone has been waiting on. I do wonder what my place is going to be after a while. Like I told you before, most of the time I'm at peace with it but sometimes I'm not. But if you need me … if you aren't just saying it because you think it is something you have to say … then I can live with that most of the time."

Still troubled Cor asked, "Are you sure Fel? Because trust me if you can, you are needed. I … I need someone I can trust when I'm not around. I need someone that I know will not only speak for me but … but will do the right thing for the people … who will think of them in a way … uhh … others might not."

I think it is the closest he could bring himself to admit out loud that Francine couldn't now … and may never be able to … be a part of the estate like was needed.

I nodded, "Just remember, working for you doesn't mean I'm going to agree with you all the time. So don't blame me if we go logger heads at it sometimes. We're both hard headed and fond of having our own way."

That got a real chuckle out of him. "True. And look, I hate to add to it to make it even harder but … but you keep an eye on Francine. She … she doesn't seem able to … I don't know what to call it."

He didn't stay long after that. He opened the door and left and most of the warmth seemed to get sucked out of the room and I was left shivering and alone with my thoughts once more. And now I had even more things to think about.


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

For a few days after Cor left we continued to rock along gently. But then something new got into Francine.

"Francine will you relax?! Cor said he will do his best to be back before the baby is born." She started up on the theme that if anything happened to her or the baby it would be Cor's fault. "Will you please tell me why you think something is going to happen?"

"I … I have a … a premonition. And it won't be my fault. I've told Cor and told Cor what I need. I can't seem to get anyone to understand! If Cor would only listen to me everything would work out; I wouldn't be forced to these extremes."

Her doom and gloom was a little difficult to handle. It wasn't just because it was depressing. Cor had given me the responsibility of taking care of Francine. Having her forever go on and on about something bad coming … well to be honest it wore me down and made her a real burden that I had trouble carrying. It was hard to stay cheerful in the face of such utter belief in the worst coming to pass.

There was an old man in my town that used to be the same way. You know what happened? Eventually something bad did happen. It was only Gran's commonsense that settled a lot of people down. She said, "Something bad is always coming. The point is to be ready for it not to sit around living in fear of it." I will always love and honor my Ma and Da but after everyone died it seemed that it was Gran's words as much as what Da taught me that kept me sane. I wish I could be that for Francine. It can't be good for her or the baby for her to be always waiting for something bad to get her.

Two weeks of it and I didn't know how much longer I could to listen to it. I tried so many things to get Francine to beat her depression but trying to help her only made her angry. I thought maybe it was that spring wasn't springing. I tried to get her to get some more sunlight but then she screeched that I was out to give her lung rot. I wondered if it was her diet and Mrs. Wiley and I went over the menu to do everything we could to build up her constitution. She complained that we were trying to make her fat and unattractive. I thought maybe she was just bored but she didn't and wouldn't do anything but sit around and stare mournfully into the fireplace or outside and down the road.

Not wanting to but feeling I had no other choice I finally went to the Captain and asked him if he thought we should send for Mona. He gave me a cynical smile. "And here I thought you would see through every one of her games."

"Excuse me?"

His smile turned into a cynical chuckle. "She's been dropping hints as large as boulders to Winnie even before Cor left and hasn't let up since."

I asked suspiciously, "Hints about what?"

"Basically my Dear, since her relatives can't or won't come to her she thinks the only thing is for her to go to them. Now she is working herself into a lather that we are imprisoning her or preventing her from getting the best care possible. You missed it helping Mrs. Wiley prepare warm drinks for the courier but yesterday Francine was terribly disrespectful to Lollie Hudson."

"What?! Why would she do that? She specifically called for Lollie."

He nodded sagely. "Because she thought Lollie would tell her what she wanted to hear. Instead Lollie all but told her she was being childish and inconsiderate for wanting to hare off to the Lathrop estate and that she was in no fit state to travel. In return Francine was as rude as I've ever heard her be to nearly anyone but you or Cor. We are lucky that Lollie is not easily offended but I'm afraid that if this doesn't cease Francine may find she has created a situation for herself that may lead to some rather severe repercussions. People are starting to talk and not just here on the estate. Word is getting out that … that perhaps it was a good thing that Cor was forced into a second marriage for more than the original reason."

Outraged I almost yelped, "Now that's just fair stupid! What they did to us was – and is – wrong. Cor and I … we've worked it out … but it still pinches and neither one of us …" I huffed and turned away from the Captain. I wanted so badly to explain things to him but I kept my promise to Cor to keep it between us.

Quietly the Captain said, "I know this has not been easy for either of you. Winnie and I … but it cannot be changed Fel. I won't ask … do not want to know … what terms you and Cor finally settled on but whatever they are, they satisfy all concerned as far as I can tell."

I snorted, "Yeah right. Everyone is real happy and thankful that the heir that is on the way is from a native Kiplinger and not by the little Outland savage."

"Fel …" he started reproachfully.

I shook my head to forestall him. "Don't try and dress it up pretty Captain. I had to deal with enough of it during the summer. I know the truth of it and so do you. It was always meant to be Francine. And you can get that look off your face, I'm not jealous of her. I just get tired of it all sometimes and Francine is wearing on my nerves."

He sighed. "Well, here is some news that will make you feel worse. The courier that came yesterday brought reports from the fort that raiders have been striking the surrounding territories. A few have been caught and encouraged to reveal information." Read into that anything you want it I thought. "The winter was not just difficult in this immediate area but was a fairly widespread phenomena. While the Outlands did not suffer as badly – their winter was even quite mild in some locations – they view this as the perfect opportunity to strike us. They perceive that we are weak after a long winter where our supplies have run out."

Something savage in me began to bubble up. "Don't plan on them staying away from Kipling. They'll pick off who they perceive to be the smaller and weaker estates first. Then if they become bold or just stupid they'll go after the bigger ones. They'll be after anything that isn't nailed down that can be carried off and what they can't carry off they will try and destroy. If you haven't already set up patrols and guards …"

"I spoke with Jonah yesterday as well as the managers at the various facilities here on the estate. The word is also going out to the village and the smaller free farms between us and the surrounding estates. Do you wish to move to the house Fel? I can make …"

"No," I said a little abruptly then regretted it. "Sorry Captain, I didn't mean to snap. But I won't move in here. This is Francine's place, the cabin is mine."

"Very well. Jonah said that would likely be your response but I had to ask. However I have asked him to double check the shutters and bolts on the cabin and I would like you to begin keeping a water barrel inside the cabin just on the off chance that you are forced to take extended refuge there."

That's not all I will be doing but there are some things the Captain is too civilized about. I'll mention a few man traps to Jonah and I'll speak with Mrs. Wiley about a few things being set up around the house. When I told the Captain that if they couldn't carry it off most Outlander raiders would be just as happy to see it destroyed I wasn't exaggerating. My Gramp used to tell how his father lost their original forge to an attack of flaming arrows.

Fire pots are another tool that Outlanders use if they get ahold of fuel that is just lying around unprotected, which is something else that needs to be secured. The fuel production bar needs to be protected and not just from Outlanders. I've been thinking that some unscrupulous or desperate folks from Kipling might try and steal the Corman estate fuel and try and disguise it as a raid from the Outlands.

There isn't a lot of defense against flaming arrows and fire pots but you can minimize damage by building fire breaks, making sure flammable material is minimized. They are a greater danger when you have a field of grain ready to be harvested. I've seen an entire farm wiped out that way. While winter dries a lot of stuff out, it has been pretty wet around here so hopefully the mud and the damp will keep fire danger to a minimum.

We also need to be careful of wells and water sources being poisoned. Hemlock and Castor Beans are a favorite way to do this but there are plenty of other plants and plant saps that could do this: jimson weed, nightshade, lantana berries, mistletoe berries, oleander, ragwort, and the berries and foliage of the yew.

I've also seen particularly vicious groups save the feces and urine from sick comrades and dump it into wells and water ways. It is completely disgusting but very effective. You don't even have to kill your target, just make them sick enough to be weak to any attack.

Depending on the raider group we might also be facing other attacks. I know some tribes that raise deadly insects like giant hornets that they carry around in boxes that they will sneak up and release against their enemy. I've seen some that use a certain breed of snake or scorpion to do the same thing. The Lakesiders used to catapult large pots filled with fire ants into forts or encampments. They also liked to catapult flaming pots of tar and the bodies of people who died of sickness.

Other tribes salt or destroy field crops in some way. Water holes used by domestic and wild animals are targeted for poisoning. Corpses of animals and humans are left around to create a nauseating smell and disease. Predatory animals are introduced to small flocks and herds of animals. The tactics used all depend on how long they have to prepare and whether it is all out battle or some type of siege or simply mischief to weaken their opponent before a hit and run type attack.

Waiting to be attacked isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, but the waiting does not have to be an empty and wasted time. It is almost impossible to prevent every type of battle tactic but you can prepare to defend against them as must as possible; and that is what we will do.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

"Topher, the forest is no longer a place to play. If I catch you out here again …"

He shook his head, "Not playin' Mistress Fel … honest. I'm protecting your back."

I gurgled a laugh and asked, "You're what?"

With all the dignity a ten year old boy can muster he said, "I'm protecting your back. I know you're an Outlander but you're still a girl and shouldn't be roaming around without an escort."

I gave him a particularly baleful look and asked, "Who did you hear that bit of wisdom from?"

"Uh …" I cocked my eyebrow and he sighed in resignation. "I heard the Cap'n say that it wasn't seemly for you to be roaming around all over the place alone and that people would talk."

I snorted. The Captain couldn't seem to get rid of his double standard where I was concerned. He needed me to be the Outlander I was but he wanted me to conform to his idea of femininity so he wouldn't be so uncomfortable with his need. It would take someone as feisty as Winnie to put up with that batch of silliness that is for sure; how she managed it was beyond me, she must be a bit of a lunkhead over the Capitan is all I can think.

I told Topher, "And if I was one of your gentle Kiplinger girls that might just be right. But as you say I'm an Outlander and …"

"No'm … you used to be an Outlander … yers is ours now and I baint too sure I want no no account nobody to be talkin' 'bout you when theys ain't got the right. If'n I'm here they cain't say nothin' 'bout it cause I'm your escort."

I caught myself before I laughed right in his face. Boys are unaccountably sensitive about their manhood even if they aren't old enough to have any yet. "Well, while I appreciate the sentiment Topher, I've been setting man traps and I would feel terrible if you stepped into one."

"I wouldn't feel too good 'bout it neither I reckon," he said shaking his head sorrowfully, almost making me laugh again.

"You aren't going to give this up are you?"

Full of stubbornness he said, "No'm."

I looked Heavenward for patience and finally told him, "Well I guess then you'll just have to make yourself useful. Though if you want to stay with me you'll need to keep up and keep quiet. Understand?"

"Yes'm."

As good as his word … and Topher was a good boy when he wasn't running with that pack of older yahoos that he tries to keep up with … the boy helped me that day and several of the next to set spring nooses, wire snares, foot traps, deadfalls, tripping holes, man pits, and a few other vicious little dillies all of which were taught me by my Da. And in the early mornings and in the afternoons while Francine was resting I taught the boy how to make poisoned arrows.

"Topher, I learned about this stuff when I was younger than you. But to be truthful my people would not have been happy had they known that my Da was teaching me. I'm not sure your people would be happy about me teaching you what I know either. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

He nodded. "I won't tell no one. Besides, I don't think some of the lads would understand that this isn't anything to play games with."

I tugged his forelock affectionately. "Good that you're smart about not everyone being responsible that way. Even if they don't mean any harm they could practice being stupid too much and someone could get dead. I expect you to be responsible. I want to trust you Topher."

His little chest swelled up and I knew that I'd chosen the right path. "You can Mistress Fel. And don't you worry about not being a parent to me … never had none anyhow since I was dropped on the church door and no one knowing whence I come from; wouldn't know what to do with any if someone was suddenly to decide that's what they'd be to me."

I ruffled his hair. "Having parents isn't like getting sick or being born with a birth mark you goof. I liked having a Da and Ma. Most such people only want the best for you … even when you don't always think they do."

"Kinda like the Cap'n wanting you to be a fancy lady when it would be just the worst thing for us all?"

I looked at him sharply. "You shouldn't say such things Topher." Sighing I stopped what I was doing and spoke to him seriously. "I know people compare me to Mistress Francine. But we're two different people and she's Cor's wife and …"

"So ere you be," he pointed out.

I sighed not knowing how to get myself out of that trap. Finally I said, "Francine and I serve different purposes … we have different jobs. I couldn't be like Francine and she can't be like me. I don't know why, it just is that way. But that doesn't make either one of us better than the other. For Cor's sake don't act like it does. OK?"

He sighed. "I asked Jonah one time why things were like they were and he said it was complicated. Why does being grown always make things so complicated? You'd think it'd make it sum easier. But the older I get the more complicated things get."

I almost laughed again at him acting like a little old man. Instead I told him, "I remember asking my Gran the same question."

"What'd she tell yers?"

I did laugh then. "She swatted me with her broom and told me to stop asking questions there were no answer to."

He nodded sagely. "'Bout the same thing Jonah old me only he swatted at me with a willow switch that he'd been using to guide the cows."

With that subject out of the way and hopefully put to rest permanently we went back to work and made poison from water hemlock, hellebore, and monkshood. Most I used for arrows but a few blow gun darts filled an apron that I now wear everywhere I go. I've also got a few small bags of goodies stashed under my voluminous leather skirts but I decided no one needed to know that. The skirts and bags underneath were practically chamois they were so soft and quiet as I moved … no swishing … and I spent extra time waterproofing my moccasins and the rest of my leathers – old and new – with a mixture of linseed oil and beeswax. The blades that I carried were always well sharpened but I double checked them all the same and made sure my bow and quiver would do what I needed them to do. If I had to be in a battle I wanted to have all of my equipment in top shape.

I also started braiding my hair tightly with strips of hide to keep it from snagging bushes and leaving evidence for hunters to find. And I took off all of my Outlander jewelry and accessories and put them away. A few people noticed what I was doing and I could see them discussing it behind their hands. I don't care. Let them talk and whisper. It is a waste of time that they should be using to prepare their own persons and homes for battle.

And battle it would be. A few reports of raids inside the Kipling territory were already filtering in. What I didn't like is that they were coming from different directions and spread wide apart. No single tribe of Outlanders I knew would have a force that big much less split themselves that many times for that many different, simultaneous assaults. That meant more than one tribe or band or raider group was moving in. We would just have to defend against one enemy but many.

"Hi Jonah."

"Gilly you be wantin' to speak ter me?"

I nodded. "I've never been here for a fight. Do you have fall back positions? Are any of the buildings besides the house set for a siege?"

He smiled wickedly. "Oh sure Gilly. They's been stocked good. And I seen you been bringing that boy along real good. Some of the men are surprised he already knows how to tie some knots and make some traps. Didn't have to wonder where he learned 'em from."

Giving him a troubled look I said, "Don't blame him Jonah."

He rolled his eyes and said, "Haw, as if any would. If you've decided to take him under yer wing so much the better. Some of these young un's are too soft. Been too long since we've battled on our own land. After the plague it gots ter where young un's were treated like glass as ever one was afraid of losin' another. But I'm not so sure that's the way it should have run. More like we should have toughened 'em up. Ain't done 'em any favors to make 'em weak, 'specially not if we's gonna see blood."

I nodded. "My Da used to say that when Ma would worry he was ruining me for a man. He said I was only ruined if I was weak. If I was strong and could take care of myself then I would have more sense than to pick a weak man that would only bully me."

Jonah picked a piece of meat from between his teeth and muttered, "And did yer Gilly? Get a strong man even if yers didn't get to pick 'im?"

I looked at the man and realized he was asking me a question, not so much of a personal nature but whether he could trust Cor to lead if it did come down to a fight … and lead if it came down to a fight against others wanting to take the estate. I told him with complete conviction, "Cor's got a core of fire and iron and is a true and honorable man; having a hard beginning in life didn't take that away from him."

Jonah nodded and seemed reassured. The fact that my words could reassure him told me that as much as they wanted and needed Cor to succeed, that at least some of the estate people were unsettled about something.

I went back to the house to hear the latest courier report and found out the estate on the other side of the Lathrops had been attacked. Either it was attacked simultaneously by two different groups or a band of Outlanders and some fighters from the territory just to the east of Kipling had decided to be allies. They didn't lose too many lives but a few women from outlying farms were stolen, though they were caught and returned before they could be removed across the border. However, some food and goods were stolen and some destroyed; food that couldn't be easily replaced this time of year.

A week later I was walking the estate perimeter while showing some of the people from the village a few variations on the most common booby traps when Topher shot down the path and stopped breathless at my feet. "If ya sees 'em Mistress Fel, don't shoot 'em … it be Cor's done come home."

I became immediately concerned. "This is a lot earlier than he said he'd be back. Did they run into trouble?"

He nodded. "Yes'm. Some. Nothing they couldn't handle but the Mister wants ter see you lickety split."

"Why?" I asked becoming worried.

But Topher just shrugged. "Ter hear what yers been up to I expect."

I heard a few sniggers from the men and I knew just what part of their anatomy was doing the thinking at that moment. I snorted but took off at an easy lope taking a different path than Topher had taken. This one brought me up and around one of the orchards and I used the tree line to hide my approach the best I could then used a hedgerow to get close to the house.

There was a bellow of alarm when I came up behind the man that was supposed to be guarding that side of the house. The noise was due to the fright I gave him when I shot him with a chalk bag arrow and marked the front of his pants. Jonah came running and getting an irritated look on his face said, "I'll handle this Gilly."

I grinned evilly and told him, "I thought you might like to." Then I jogged up to Cor who was standing there shaking his head.

"You enjoyed that a little too much."

I shrugged. "We'll be fighting Outlanders. Better they get a taste of what that means from me than at the point of a blade."

He nodded and didn't seem the least put out by my stunt. Unusually there were several men with him that nodded approvingly as well. A new man then approached through the crowd and I immediately went into a crouch.

"Peace Fel McConnell. I have no war with you."

The man was a little older than Cor and wore leathers similar enough to mine that it took someone who would know to recognize the differences. To me they screamed Lakesider.

I stood up out of my fighting stance but didn't put away my blade. The man nodded. "Wise." I waited and after a moment of quiet contemplation he told me, "There are bad men coming."

It was unusual for an Outlander to simply reveal information like that and I felt my face go carefully blank. He nodded again and said, "A man came from the west. He wore the old colors and spoke the way of the oldsters and told us that across the Mississippi people had too much. That they had sent us to our deaths by preventing us from escaping the bombs and plagues of the Dark Days and had stolen from us when they didn't let us have any of the old tech that used to run the land. That the people east of the Mississippi needed to be punished. Many believed him and if they didn't they followed him anyway because of their love of war and blood."

Cautiously I asked, "Jake?"

He nodded. "You know my father's other son well."

"Well enough. Which makes me wonder what you are doing here and not nursing his head after a bought of drink."

A cynical twist of his lips told me that I'd guessed right, that their father had sent him along to keep an eye on his older brother who was their headman's oldest son. They shared a father but not their mothers. "There is not as much fun and profit in the fighting as Jake came to find. He has grown tired of the other men and dreams of our father's hearth. I lead him and a few other men back across the Mississippi. But not all are weary of battle as my people are."

I asked, "How will we know this man should he come?"

"Oh, he will come unless Yahweh sends him to hell first." It was a common enough statement where I was from but it was usually reserved for the most wicked amongst us and gave me some idea of how he was seen by others. "Some say he comes from a hot zone. If he does not come from there his mother spent time near one. Half his face belongs to a monster. He is the size of a rugaru but is hairless wears the curse of the wendigo when he captures an enemy. Beware him Fel McConnell."

A huge, bald cannibal … lovely … just what I need to have the sweetest dreams about. "Alo, why are you sharing this? Certainly you have no reason to share this with me of all people."

He shook his head. "I do not hold my uncle's death against you. He made his choice. Your father was always fair with us and we had no quarrel. Certainly no quarrel with an old woman and babe. And your mother counted my cousin's first wife as a sister. It was Yahweh's judgment that a fighter such as he should die at the hands of a girl child. You gave him a more honorable sending than my father would have when he found out."

I relaxed somewhat after that. Alo was painfully honest. He always had been, even when it cost him or his family standing. He had been picked on since he was a child because of his tongue, nearly as badly as I had. He was close friends with Yahweh and counted his walk with Him more important than his walk with others, even of blood kin. Don't get me wrong, Alo was still an Outlander and all that that meant, but he was an honorable one and he wouldn't lie to get his way.

Alo said seriously, "You were never paid for your family's death. You should have been adopted and raised as a cherished daughter … as my sister … but it did not happen. My mother begged my father but he said it would start trouble and perhaps it would have. I do not know but it could not be any worse than the trouble we have all lived with since. Not honoring my family's debt has weighed on me. I talked with Yahweh and he said to bring this news to you and it would ease my heart."

I knew that something needed to be said. "Alo, you've always been good friends with Yahweh even when it cost you much in this life. If Yahweh told you this then it must be true." I sighed and then let a knot go that I'd been holding in my heart. "Do you know the dry well near the large field of agave next to the old highway?" Alo cautiously nodded. "Your uncle wore an ancient blade that belongs to your family. It has a sword crossed with three lightning bolts. If you go down into the well about six feet you will see a stone block with my grandfather's mark on it. Take the stone out and behind it you will find that blade."

Alo could not hide the surprise on his face. "That blade belonged to my grandfather and to his father before him. My family thought it lost to us forever."

We nodded at each other and Alo turned and left. I knew he would be rendezvousing with the other Lakesider men some ways off.

I turned to Cor and demanded quietly, "How did he know I was here?"

A troubled look crossed his face. "I asked him the same thing. He said it was common knowledge that you and your sisters had been sold to Kipling. He then added that Yahweh led him the rest of the way."

I relaxed. "Well if that is what he said then that is what he believes. Alo doesn't mess around when it comes to Yahweh." I looked around and saw a few men giving me a look and I didn't care for it. I like my skirts on thank you very much. I ignored the trolls the best I could but didn't have to for long because Cor growled at the men to get back to work, that they could go gawp at the mares if they were that lonely.

After the men turned tail at being caught out I said, "You didn't have to do that. They didn't really mean any harm."

"I don't care what they meant one way or the other. They'll either treat you with respect or answer to me about it." Guiding me towards the house he said, "How has Francine been?"

I opened my mouth to lie and then decided not to; I just had to tread lightly. "She's been fair upset at your absence."

He stopped me and looked straight into my face. "Thank you for not lying, but you don't need to sugar coat it Fel, I've already heard it all from Lollie Hudson and the healer at the village. They pulled me aside when I stopped to leave supplies at the church."

I shook my head. "Some women just get …"

"Don't make excuses," he said cutting me off. "I plan on staying until the baby is born. Hopefully that will help. If it doesn't, I'll send for a healer from the fort if they can spare any. And if I have to I'll write to Muriel to see if this is how Francine's mother acted." He sighed and a weight seemed to descend on him. "I love Francine. I do. And I owe her respect and tender care as I pledged to her; but I can't blind myself to what is going on. These days it is not safe to take anything for granted. Danger could come from anyplace and if she takes off …"

I shook my head. "I don't think she'll go so far as to run away. She's too afraid."

Concerned he asked, "Afraid of what?"

I shrugged. "She won't be specific. All she'll say is that something bad is coming."

He sighed. "Will you come to dinner tonight?"

I thought about it. "Better not. You take the time to see her when I'm not around. I don't want to influence things and maybe she'll act different for you. Besides, you'll need to get caught up with the Captain."

He looked everywhere but at me but then asked, "If … if it isn't too late … would you mind if I … uh … came to the cabin to talk for a spell afterwards?"

He'd managed to surprise me. "Why would I mind? It's not like people are gonna talk. Besides, I'd like to hear how your trip went and why you are home so soon."

He grinned then. "And I'll tell you. I'll make sure the Captain doesn't keep me too long."


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

There was a tap at the cabin door and I drew back the latch cautiously until I was sure who it was and then let Cor in.

I told him, "I was beginning to think you weren't coming even if you meant to. Bet they were giving you the third degree up at the house."

He carried a rucksack and set it against the wall. He saw me looking and said, "I … I wanted to stay the night but Francine wouldn't ease up until I promised to sleep in the house tonight."

I gave him a surprised look. "I don't expect you to … I mean … I'm surprised you even wanted to come … and Francine needing you … goodness." I blinked a couple of times and couldn't for the life of me figure out why I was so embarrassed.

I shook my head to clear it and backed away feeling strange and a little out of sorts. I stepped over to the fire place and lifted a tea pot that I had there. "I … I made Sherpa tea if you want some."

He rubbed his hands together and said, "Yes. Please. I can't believe how cold it still is here. I was in short sleeves and sometimes shirtless down south. I expected to come back and at least find the trees leafing out."

I poured the mixture, which was warm sweetened milk with a bit of strong tea mixed in, into the mug he favored when he stayed over. As I handed it to him I said, "There are plenty of buds just waiting for a little warmth to spring to life. Is everything up at the house all right? You sound troubled."

He grunted around a mouthful of the liquid then said, "As right as can be expected I guess. Things balance out. The Captain was pleased with the result of the run and with the information on the raiders we brought back, but the Francine situation kind of takes some of the shine off of it."

I didn't want to bring him down more but for some reason felt forced to say, "Francine isn't a situation Cor, she's a person."

He sighed. "I know it and know you're right for reminding me; but right now it is hard to see the person I married behind the problems that she is creating. I left thinking that this baby would be what finally made Francine happy … or if not happy at least content and then that would be a start to getting back to the way things used to be. Now I look at her and wonder if things are ever going to get back to what they were … or sometimes I even wonder if they were ever what I imagined them to be in the first place."

He had such a pensive and closed look on his face that it told me he'd been thinking those kind of thoughts long and hard. "I can't fix it Cor but like I told you and Francine both, sometimes you just have to love someone for who they are and not for who you think they ought to be. Can I tell you something?"

He shrugged and said, "Sure."

"You know I told you my Da came from this side of the Mississippi and from people different from my Ma's." At his nod I continued. "Da was … more different than just being born in another place and wearing different clothes. He was educated, knew things and ways that were completely alien to a lot of people in my town. My Gramp was smart, real smart, but not educated the way Da was. Gramp's smarts were hard won and from experience. But he could take that and think ahead of a problem to head it off or come up with some kind of contraption that would fix a problem. My Da always admired that and respected him for it. But … but my Ma … she was more like Gran only some bit sweeter and gentler. Gran didn't care who you belonged to but if a kid was near her and behaving foolishly she'd snatch an ear or whack 'em with her broom or walking stick. Ma wasn't like that … she was quiet, would talk to 'em and in her own way she could be just as effective as Gran at getting kids to mind their p's and q's."

"You going some place with this?" Cor asked.

"Yeah, it just takes explaining people before I can get you to understand the purpose to what I'm gonna tell you."

He nodded again and I went on. "In a normal way of things I'm not sure my Da and Ma would have ever come together. But they did and they worked well as a couple but that doesn't mean they didn't have their problems. I was one of those problems. See my Da wanted to raise me more like him and Ma … well, she wanted a daughter that would grow up and do the same things, enjoy the same things she did. Ma never really fought with Da and never in front of me, but one time I overheard her say something that really hurt my feelings. I had chosen to go with Da over staying home and letting Ma wash me and do up my hair for some ceremony or other in town. Women didn't have a very high place in our town and those ceremonies were one of the few chances they had to shine and one of the places they shined was showing off how well they were raising their daughters. I hated getting my hair braided with dyed strips of cloth or leather and having things hung all over my clothes. It always twinked me that I wouldn't have a chance to escape an enemy all dressed up like a flaming doll." I smiled. "Even then I was already 'ruined' and was definitely my father's daughter."

"Let me guess," he said. "You overheard your parents arguing. My parents went at it a few times though usually it was my father screaming and my mother just sitting there stoically waiting for it to be over."

I nodded, feeling a little sad for the memories he had. "Only it wasn't an argument exactly. Ma never raised her voice but she could stand up for herself when she felt like it; she didn't have to do it often because Da all but worshipped the ground she walked on. But that time she said something that made it through my pride and struck deep. She told Da that he was taking me away from her, that he was spoiling me for the life I was meant to lead and that half the time she didn't recognize me as being her daughter. Looking back I don't think she meant it the way it came out and I didn't stay to hear the rest of what was said because I ran off. You never hear anything good about yourself when you eavesdrop."

I looked into the fire and tried to explain the best I could. "Da found me when I didn't come back to see the contests. At first he thought someone had been at me … you know what I mean?" He grimaced but nodded. "I was a mess. I'd been running through the woods and I looked more like an Asin than one of the people."

"Asin?"

I scrunched up my face and tried to think of something that would explain it. "Uh … I don't know if you have one around here. It's like a female boogey monster. She lives around the woods that surround towns and lures children away to eat them. Some say she can take the shape of a girl and some say a woman … either doesn't matter. When she eventually shows her true form it isn't pretty."

Cor snorted. "OK, got it. You looked pretty rough."

"Yeah. Da finally figured out what had upset me after asking enough questions and he sat me down and told me a few things. I didn't understand them all the way then though I did manage to take 'em to heart the best I could considering my years. He explained that Ma was just … well, she was a simple woman with simple tastes. To her I was a changeling … different. There'd been a baby girl before me that had been born sickly and she died a week before I was born. Then there were several lost babies before Ma was able to have Georgie but this happened before Georgie was born; Ma's belly was barely showing. All those lost babies hurt my Ma's spirit in a way I was too young to understand. Da said that sometimes women that were going to have babies said things and felt things they might not if they weren't spending so much spirit and energy making a baby. And that since Ma had already lost so many blessings that she was scared she was going to lose that one too, the one that turned about to be Georgie. It made her want to hold onto me, the one she knew was strong, even harder. And because I had what Da called the misfortune to be born more like him and Gramp that it only made it harder for Ma."

"OK. I can see that, but I assume you are trying to tell me something from this story and I'm not seeing it Fel."

I shrugged. "Da said that Ma and I were different and that sometimes Ma wouldn't always be the person I wanted or maybe even needed her to be. For that matter he said that one day I'd likely see him that way too. He said the point was that God put love in our heart for someone for a reason. Maybe it was to make us better people or to teach us lessons or even to help us overcome something we wouldn't otherwise be able to without the experience of loving someone. Or maybe it wasn't especially for us but that the other person needed something and that maybe we were the person He expected to meet that need. Da also said that like and love didn't always go hand in hand. We could love someone without liking them and like someone without loving them. But no matter what, Ma was my Ma because God said so and that it was my duty to honor her and that he hadn't been encouraging me to do it very well. And from that day forward I needed to be as much my Ma's girl as I was my Da's girl even if it wasn't always what I would druther be doing. That maybe if Ma got more secure that she wouldn't try and hold on so tight and at the same time maybe I wouldn't feel the need to fight her hold so much."

Cor sighed. "You mean I need to practice being loving as much as I need to feel being in love. And that it is my responsibility to do that even if Francine doesn't always make me feel like I want to."

I smiled a small smile. "I knew you were smart. And I knew I wouldn't be explaining anything you didn't already know. Sometimes though it is good to be reminded that other people understand the road you have to walk. Makes life a good deal less rocky and lonely."

He rocked for a few minutes then asked me quietly, "Are you lonely Fel? I've imagined what your life must have been like, how hard, but after meeting that Alo I'm beginning to wonder if I've missed a few things."

His question surprised me. Part of me wanted to turn him away from thinking on it because it would mean admitting things that I shied away from admitting to myself but while my walk wasn't as good as Alo's I'm still not real comfortable lying and especially not to people that I've let get so close. Softly I said, "Sometimes. I miss my sisters. Letters are nice and I get one from at least one of them every courier run but it isn't like being with them every day, doing for them and have them knowing it was me and comforting me with that knowing. And I miss being able to walk free without people pointing out all my differences though that doesn't bother me the way it used to. I got into more trouble than I want to admit by being different from the folks where I came from." I stopped and laughed as something struck me once again. "Topher says I'm not an Outlander anymore, that I belong to the estate about like he does. He's a funny little thing though he's not so little as when I first came. His winter clothes are already getting short on him though he is still about as bird chested a boy as I've ever seen." I shook my head and smiled as much for my sake as for Cor's. "Now, enough of this maudlin stuff. No need for either one of us to give the other the mopes. You said you were going to tell me about your run south to meet them folks that wanted Coreman paper and other words make it seem like you did well while you were gone. So get on with telling me already."


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Slowly Cor smiled, more than willing to put away his troubles for a few moments. He stood up and went to get the rucksack he'd brought with him.

"Here, taste this," he said after reaching inside the bag for something.

He held what looked like a small sun in the palm of his hand. I asked, "Is that … an … an orange?"

He nodded and then tried to make me take it. "Cor … that's … that's gold where I come from. Da said they had a greenhouse where he come from where they used to grow some but a winter storm put a small hole in the glass and all the trees died."

"Here," he said and he took his knife and cut a hole in the top and then rolled the fruit in his hand like he was warming it up or making it soft. "Now suck on this hole. Go on Fel … trust me."

I put the fruit to my lips cautiously and my eyes just about crossed when the tart taste of the juice hit my tongue. I must have made a pretty funny face because Cor started laughing and laughing and nearly fell out of the rocker.

I shook my head at him acting worse than Topher after a prank. "Cor, I'm serious. This is an … a naranja … or that's what the Mexi people call them."

Cor grinned. "Naranja? Yeah, I've heard them called that too. Then there are yellow ones like this …"

Those I knew too though I'd never seen one except in pictures. "They're called lemons. Gran told me about those and little orange balls called tangerines. One of her brothers married a woman from this place called Yuma and he used to bring her presents when he'd come to visit. He called them seetrooss fruit."

Cor smiled and said, "It's pronounced citrus, not seetrooss." He went on to explain, "There are green ones called limes and great big yellow ones called grapefruit even though they don't look anything like a grape except for being round … I think it is supposed to be a joke but everyone down there swears that's what they're called. And I brought wagons of the things back … all sorts. I was able to do it a couple of years ago and the Council offered me a bounty if I was able to do it again this year. They have greenhouses at the fort that they are growing little citrus trees in and I plan on giving that a try here as well. We won't grow near what they can down south, weather here just won't allow for it, but it would be a good novelty item."

"I reckon so," I said agreeing enthusiastically. "You know you can dry the peel and use it to flavor stuff if I remember what my Gran used to say about it. She had this wonderful book full of pictures and recipes that had been handwritten by the women in our family back to before the Dark Days … but it got burned up in the fire." I was always a little sad thinking of all the things lost in the fire, my family being the worst of it.

I was caught off guard when Cor asked, e H"Why don't you start a new one? It's not like we don't have the paper and ink for it."

I shrugged. "Who would I leave it to? Not like I'm ever going to have …" I stopped as it was a subject that I wasn't comfortable talking about with Cor. "Let me get you some more tea."

He grabbed my arm as I got up and I could see from his face that the idea has struck him as well. "I …"

I shook my head and pulled my arm gently from his grasp. "Don't Cor. Life is what it is. There's no profit in wishing it wasn't." I cleared my throat and said, "So the bonus from the Council was good?"

He was quiet for a moment but abided by my wishes not to continue on the other subject. "Yeah, it was. I've cleared off the debt from the Lathrops."

I nearly dropped the kettle. "What?! Oh Cor, that's wonderful news! Why didn't you say so to begin with?!"

His grin grew and then he started to chuckle. "You know you are the first one to act like I did something grand and heroic?"

Shocked I asked, "Wait, didn't the Captain …?"

He shook his head. "Uncle Rob thought it was good but as is his way all he said was 'about time.' I mean it's true. If I had gotten them out of the way first maybe none of this other would have happened but it's only in the last year that I ever saw the Lathrops as a threat. Mostly I was just bogged down trying to figure out a way to pay the bills as they came due to keep everyone off my back rather than how any single debt could break me … break the estate."

I fell back and my chair and just smiled. "I bet you feel a whole lot better getting it out of the way though don't you?"

He nodded, stilling grinning as well. "Feel like I could walk on air if that was the only thing going on." He reached down into the rucksack and started putting a few other things on the table between us. "There's more where this came from but I thought you might like some to keep here. Jonah said you've been digging out the old root cellar. I'll help and we can put up some shelves down there and you can have your own pantry or what have you if you want. Jonah mentioned you might like your own stove to cook on instead of just the fireplace."

"I … well … you don't have to help. I know you've got lots of stuff that you need to …"

He looked at me and said, "I want to help Fel. I've been doing a lot of thinking … going on runs gives me time to think I don't usually have when I'm dealing with stuff on a day to day basis here on the estate. You really drew the short straw and I haven't done much to make it any easier. In fact I've asked stuff from you I had no business asking but you've … you've done it anyway. Should have been Francine making your life easier and not the other way around. But that's gonna stop. It might take both of us to manage whatever is wrong with her until she can get better but once she is she is going to understand that she is the one that wanted this situation so she is going to have to share responsibility in how it turns out and in making it better. And she is going to understand that there won't be any other wives; I'm putting my foot down. This whole situation is just … just a mess."

He shook his head dolefully. "I can't offer you what I'd like to but I don't intend on treating you like something to be ashamed of anymore either. I'm not sure how it will all work out in the end but … but …"

I was pleased but at the same time suspicious and not a little bit worried. "You … you are talking about changing the rules."

He shook his head. "Not all of them … just … just I have to be able to live with myself Fel. Seeing you tucked off back in this cabin like you are some unwanted crazy female relation just doesn't suit me any longer. It's just wrong. I know you won't come live in the house and I understand why. I'd want my own space too. But something has to change. I'm not sure what and I'm not sure how but changes need to be made. I don't think it does anyone any good to see how you get treated compared to Francine and …"

"Uh uh," I said forcefully. "I never wanted Francine's place and don't intend on taking it away from her. And I don't want to share it with her either. I promised myself that and I've all but promised her that too."

"I'm not asking you to do that and know you won't. I just …" He raked his hands through his hair in frustration. "It's like this Fel. I don't like this multiple wife business. I've never liked it and never will but we're stuck with it. The laws are pretty specific and I couldn't get us out of it without hurting a lot of people … people that count on me. The fines for a man divorcing his wife no matter what the cause are pretty stiff and I'm just now getting the estate out of the danger that my father put us all in. Push comes to shove the Council might even try to put someone else in charge of the estate, especially now that the Coreman estate has fuel production capacity that many of the other estates that had been dependent on the Lathrop estate do not. It's a boon for us … but there's also danger in it. I can't … can't risk that, not for my pleasure, not when it would cost so much more than anything that could be written on paper. People expect me to behave a certain way, and they have to know they can trust me with their lives regardless of the situation. But it … it hurts not to be able to do what I feel is the right thing. And in the beginning I got it all messed up trying to protect Francine … from you, from herself, from everything. And I didn't understand you at all; you wouldn't fit into the mold that I'd come to expect of women … like my mother did, like Francine did. I didn't see how either one of them would have lived with this life that you've managed to not only live, but live well. And now, now that I've come to know you it drives me crazy. I've been really looking around for the first time in my life and I see that my mother and Francine are not really what women are all about. I find I listened to my father about women a lot more than I should have Fel. I … I like …."

He grappled with his words and then said forcefully, "Yes I do … I like being able to talk to you without having to worry about you crying or getting upset at things that don't make the least amount of sense to me. I like not constantly having to worry that something is going to hurt you … physically, emotionally, all of it. I like being able to work with you, go on walks with you, hunt with you, plan things for the estate with you … I like the time we spend together Fel. But … but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't, at least not the way I do. And now instead of wanting you to be more like Francine I wish Francine could be more like you. I'm so confused Fel … I … I'm worried that I'm going to lose my honor one day if I'm not able to figure some way around this mess we're in."

His words could have been taken several different ways and none of them made me particularly comfortable. In fact, in a way they scared me. I couldn't figure out what exactly he meant but was too afraid to ask him to explain. All I could say was, "You are an honorable man Cor. If you get into trouble it won't be because you went looking for trouble. I've had to learn a few things too you know. I thought my Da and Gramp were the exceptions to how men were. Now I'm learning that it wasn't my Da and Gramp that were the exceptions but the other men from the town where I lived that were the exceptions. They were the ones that were off and crazy, not my menfolk. I don't think I could have seen that near so well if … if you weren't who you were. So whatever it is that is bothering you so … I trust you to work it out right. And I'll go one further to say I'll work it out with you. That sound OK?"

He looked at me real close, so close it made me want to jump up and head for the teakettle again for some reason but then he smiled a gentle smile, the gentle he could be sometimes that confused me most of all, and said, "Just keep being you Fel. That'll keep me in line."

He kept looking at me so I turned to look at what was on the table. Looking inside a crock I nearly let out a squawk and slammed the cork back in place.

"What?!" Cor asked surprised my reaction.

"What's in that jar?! They look like … like green eyeballs!"

Cor looked at the jar I was talking about and then busted out laughing. I was just about ready to swat him when he gasped out. "Lord Fel … those are olives. They're … they're a type of pickled …" He started laughing again but then took the cork out and cut one in half to share with me. "The red thing inside is a piece of a pimento … kind of a pepper. These are stuffed olives. Here, take a bite. They're a little salty but good. My father used to trade for these things all the time when we'd go south. He'd never bring any home though, he said they were our secret." He shrugged. "I've been thinking and if I'm not going to be my father the least I could do is break some of the taboos he used to set. He said olives weren't good for women. I knew it was a lie then … I just … never got around to … you know …"

The piece of olive he'd given me was OK. I didn't like it near as well as I did the orange but it wasn't bad. Got a little squeaky on my back teeth for a moment reminding me of underdone green beans but was better after I got passed that point. I could see eating them with cheese and crackers and those little pickles that Mrs. Wiley called gherkins; or maybe using them to add salt to something so I wouldn't have to use up the small supply I've been building in a crock that I kept hidden under my bed.

When the squeak was out of my teeth I said, "Old habits are hard to break. About like that knife that I took from Alo's uncle you heard me tell him about. You hold onto things even when you know there is no good profit to it." As I gazed at what all but covered the table top I told him, "Cor, you didn't have to do this."

"Yes, I did. If … if something happens to me I want you to know that … that I … that I valued you Fel. And even if you don't use some of this, you can get a good bit of coin for some of it or can probably barter it for even more."

I looked at him sternly. "You shouldn't talk of such things. It's bad luck."

"It's just commonsense. Look what you were left with after your family was killed. If something happens to me and … and things don't … well, if things don't go well for you here, I want you to be able to leave and start over someplace else, wherever you please, and not have to do it destitute. Next trip I plan on making more coin and I will be setting some aside for you and …"

"Cor!"

He stopped, startled. "What?"

More quietly I told him, "I don't want to hear you talking like that. It's bad enough that Francine goes on and on about something bad coming. I won't have you starting it up."

He put his hand over mine and said, "I didn't say anything would happen Fel … but I'm the head of the family and it is my responsibility that if something does happen to me that I fix it so that it hurts those I'm responsible for as little as possible. My father … well, you see the mess he left us in. I won't repeat his mistake. Don't ask me to."

I sighed in acceptance but then mumbled irritably, "Fine. Do what you feel you must … but I'm in no mood to hear about it. Thinking about … about such is … it doesn't … I don't want to think about it and that's final."

He pulled one of my braids and said, "All right, I'll drop it for now but we'll have to talk about it at some point. Now, let me tell you what the rest of this is because if I don't get back to the house soon I'm afraid Francine might come looking. These pots here have what's called marmalade in them. They're sort of like the preserves you and the women made all summer long but made out of citrus fruit. Little different but still good, especially on biscuits. Tomorrow Jonah is going to bring a wood crate and it's got some bottles in it … vinegars and wines. We can build a little storage place in your cellar and they will keep for a long time down in the coolness. This jar has something called hearts of palm in it and this jar is of artichoke hearts." He laughed again at the look on my face. "Not real hearts. They are the center out of a couple of things that can only grow in the Deep South. He'll also bring over the bottles of oils … olive, sesame, and a couple of others … so you can have your own. As soon as he locates some crocks you'll have some of the beans and legumes that I brought back too. I doubt you'll want to have mice in your cabin if we just string them in gunny sacks."

"Not particularly," I agreed dryly.

"And here's something else for you to taste." He held something up that was all crinkled and golden in color.

"What are you trying to get me to eat now?!"

He laughed and said, "Just open your mouth. If you don't like it I'll … hmmm … if you don't like it I'll eat a spoonful of grounds from the bottom of the coffee pot."

Ugh. But there was no way I was going to let him think I was a coward. "I let the thing sit on my tongue and then when the flavor hit it was even better than the orange. How could something that looked like a bit of dried rough leather taste so good.

Cor smiled at the look on my face. "That's dried pineapple and if you think that is good you should taste it candied. There's a bit of that in here as well."

There were other things too but I wouldn't let him convince me to taste everything. I wanted to save and savor what I could. It was enough that he'd thought to bring these things back to me and the why mattered even more. I'd never heard of most of what was there: plantain chips, cassava roots, a jug of cane syrup, a container of vanilla beans, paste from a fruit called a guava, jars of fruits called papaya and mango, hard cones of raw sugar, dry sausages called chorizos, dried shrimp that looked like the husks of some large bug, grated coconut in syrup, and a box that had some candies and cookies in it.

"Cor … I … I can't accept all this," I told him quietly. "I can't take … I mean … what about everyone else?"

He pulled my braid again irritating me just a bit on purpose. "Everyone else is taken care of … and yes, Francine as well though she …" A momentarily hurt look crossed his face before he hid it. Then from his coat pocket he took a smaller bag. "Now this … this is just … from me to you. You don't … uh … you don't need to tell anyone else about it. You … um … er … Well, here. I thought maybe if you wanted to you could put it in that medicine bag you keep around your neck."

I laughed and said, "Memory bag … I'm no shaman."

"Yeah, memory bag. Anyway … here." I opened the bag he thrust into my hand and in the center was a little roundish pink ball. He told me, "It's called a conch pearl. We were eating conch … that's the animal that lives inside the type of shell that's on the edge of the table … and this was in the one that I had chosen for my meal. Next time I go south I'll see if I can find you a white or yellow one or if I go to the Northeast maybe I can find a lavender or dark one from a quahog. My father … he used to use them almost like coin and metal when I was a boy. The way they are made isn't very pretty – they start when something irritating gets stuck in a mollusk – but the end result is …" He shrugged.

I held the delicate looking thing and then folded the soft fabric back over it. "It's beautiful Cor. But should I …?"

He folded my fingers over it. "I gave Francine the pearl earrings that my mother wore. It was her bridal gift before my father showed … well, it was her bridal gift. This … I wanted this to be from me to you … something new with no other kinds of memories attached to it. Not from my side or yours."

I carefully opened the bag around my neck and placed the little square of fabric with its hidden treasure inside and then pulled the string tight again. Quietly I told him, "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

He was looking at me in a way that made me feel like a deer caught in a hunter's flame. I'm not sure what would have come from it but there was a sudden hard banging on the cabin door. "Mister Cor! Bad trouble … you need to come right now!"


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

Cor ran to the door and I had to practically trip him to stop him. He glared at me and I glared back and hissed, "Did you leave your brain in the south?! Just because that's a friend's voice out there doesn't mean they aren't being coerced! I swear, it's a wonder all the land east of the Mississippi hasn't been overtaken by Outlander clans the way you all react."

That stopped Cor and as the banging started again I called sharply, "Jonah, you out there? Are the boys behaving?"

I heard a scuffle and a muttered, "Get out of the way before she scalps you son." More loudly he answered, "Yes Gilly, the boys are behavin' such as they are."

I peeped through the door hole and saw Jonah standing there in torchlight bright enough that I could see only a single man was with him, then cautiously opened the latch. Both Jonah and the man with him had eyes wide and glued on the Green River blade that I had pulled and ready. Jonah was the first to recover and then snorted and said, "Reckon I know what you've been doing at the blacksmith's now don't I."

Cor, getting impatient, bodily picked me up and moved me to the side so he could step out but was putting his own blade – a Bowie by shape – in its sheath which got an approving nod from the two men. Talk about your double standard.

Cor asked, "What's the trouble Jonah?"

"Miss Francie is fit to be tied and making a spectacle of herself. Rider came from the Lathrop estate. He's half dead near about. They done got attacked and some of her female relations been took. The Cap'n begs you to come and hep get her calmed down and hear what the man's saying."

Hours later, at dawn, a reluctant – and exhausted – Cor had halved his men and left to go lend aid and succor to the Lathrops. Before he left he drew me aside and said, "Stay sharp Fel and keep an eye on Francine. I've never seen her like this. I can't be sure this isn't a gambit by her family but somehow I don't really believe it is. And if it is, Francine doesn't know it … that hysteria over her relations is real."

I nodded. "Just be safe and come back as soon as you can. And watch the road and your back. They'll fan out into the trees and hit you from both sides if you aren't paying attention. Keep your guard up."

He stopped for a moment then reached out and gently tugged my braid. "I'll be back, just take care of Francine and the baby for me." With that he rode away.

I turned to Jonah to ask him if there were any men amongst the ones that Cor left behind that he didn't trust when Topher came running up to me. "Mrs. Wiley says come right away!"

I could hear it as soon as I walked in the imposing and heavy front doors of the main house. Francine was screaming and crying to the point of wailing;

like some women get when they are grieving. I bolted down the hallway to the parlor to find Winnie and Mrs. Wiley trying unsuccessfully to control Francine who was struggling. She was so loud that Topher had his hands over his ears. I walked up and slapped Francine's face, breaking her hysterical focus, and she went still in shocked disbelief.

You could have heard a feather hit the floor. Everyone stood frozen where they had been. I asked Francine calmly but seriously, "Are you trying to lose this baby?"

"I … I … I am losing my baby," she moaned clutching herself. Winnie and Mrs. Wiley did a double take and after ascertaining she wasn't playing a cruel joke tried to guide to guide her to the settee but she wasn't cooperating as she seemed set to have hysterics.

I dashed from the room and whistled for the man that usually runs for the village when there is an emergency. He's Lollie Hudson's son from her first marriage. "We need your ma lickety split. Do what you gotta to get her here safely. Tell her it's Miss Francine and that it is very serious … tell her the message is from me." Then I turned to Jonah. "I need two men to carry Miss Francine upstairs and I need the boys assigned to kitchen duty to get in there and take over while Mrs. Wiley does what she needs to."

The Captain had followed me in and then followed me out. "I'd best send a rider after Cor."

"No." He looked at me sharply. "Look Captain, any rider coming up behind them that fast is liable to get hurt or give their position away to the enemy or even run into trouble themself. Let Cor stay focused so he can stay safe and once Lollie gets here we'll see what is to be done on our side of things."

He still looked like he wanted to object but I was past caring. I had seen all those men in the yard just milling around and it tore my last nerve. "Hey! You lot! You gonna sit on your thumbs and spin all day?! Set a perimeter like Cor told you. I don't want to hear that a gnat escaped your notice!" When they were looking at me like I'd grown a third eye on the end of my nose instead of moving I used my Gramp's best gonna-tear-me-an-arm-off-if-you-don't-do-what-I-say voice and shouted at them, "Move!"

When I got back inside the two men were gently carrying a whimpering Francine up to her room with Winnie and Mrs. Wiley hovering around her. I started to follow them up when the Captain grabbed my upper arm. I was in no mood and turned to give him a sharp look.

"Do no usurp authority you do not have," he growled.

"Then don't make me have to. Cor left orders; he's the boss around here. His orders weren't being followed. Now he's asked me to look after Francine. I can't do that and wonder if the men are going to do their jobs. You want to lead then get out there and lead. Or you stay here and lead. But you can't do both. Whichever you are going to do you'd better do it quick."

I'm not sure what he would have done but I'd struck a nerve and he was not at all happy with me. I respect the Captain but he was a little slow in acting when it was him as should have been chewing some legs off of the men instead of me. Maybe he'd grown a little soft after months at home with Winnie and the baby. Maybe he wasn't used to Cor actually leading and ordering. Either way he opened his mouth but was forestalled by a call from outside. I went on up the stairs and after seeing that Francine was willing to be bossed by Mrs. Wiley I started to fetch and carry what Lollie might need.

An hour later a disheveled Lollie came through the kitchen as I was putting more wood in a box to take for the upstairs fireplace. Lollie was in her element and all business though there was still a kindness to her that couldn't be hidden. As she took off her outer wear and put her basket down she asked me, "I don't like to walk in blind and my boy was nervy as a nannie in heat. What is the situation?"

I explained about the Lathrop estate, Francine's hysterics, then how she started having pains. "We've got her up upstairs and in bed with her feet elevated. We are doing what we can to keep her quiet but I didn't want to give her anything before you came. My sister – the one that married Mona's son – sent Cramp Bark and a few other things if you need any supplies."

She stopped and looked at me, "You know how to dose women in need?"

I shook my head. "I'd never dose anyone else with someone trained around. My Gran wanted me to follow her into midwifery and yarbs but she got frail and then got dead before there was time to do it properly. I know some things, but only for emergencies."

She patted my arm. "Didn't mean to be sharp Fel. I know you're a good gilly. I just have to be sure she hasn't taken anything else before I can prescribe anything. Is she spotting?"

"She won't let anyone near her. We even look like we're trying to do more than she wants us to she starts to get hysterical. Doesn't make any sense to me. She does have pains, I've timed them, but they are far apart and lazy."

Lollie pursed her lips. "Well, let's see what she'll let me tend to."

Lollie, with liberal application of tough love and good sense was able to get Francine's pains stopped but she wasn't at all happy at what she'd discovered. "She's been spotting more than a few hours," she told Winnie and I privately. "Something is going on here and I'm not the least bit comfortable with it. I'll stay by her side for the next few days. I don't like her signs or how she's acting. I hate to say it but I don't think she's telling us the truth of it."

Lollie wasn't the only one uncomfortable with that knowledge. I tried to talk to Winnie but she wouldn't talk. Then I remembered that she'd lost babes and must be reliving the nightmare. Then I tried to talk to Mrs. Wiley but all she did was get sour and I wondered if she'd been through it herself. I started to feel like a heel and then did what I could to help throw a quick, warm meal together.

Noontime came and went. It was the three o'clock guard change when a man came running down the road followed by a volley of arrows. The raiders were at the gates.

I sent Topher to secure all the doors on the house and to set the women to closing the shutters on the second floor; the ones on the first and top floors had already been closed to retain heat so that Francine wouldn't catch a chill. I then ran back and forth between the areas overlooking the avenues that I would have picked to sneak up on the house. Sure enough there were men coming from those directions. I didn't recognize the leathers they wore but some of Cor's men cursed, recognizing the cloth clothes and head gear worn by some that didn't look like any Outlanders I had ever seen. They were men from territories to the east of Kipling which proved the rumors of unnatural alliances.

We all knew to destroy as many invaders before they came near the house as we could. Any that escaped the arrows would then be faced in more dangerous hand-to-hand combat. It didn't take long for me to turn savage. I decided to take the battle to the enemy and slipped over the stone fence and into the hedgerow.

These men, though fierce, were poorly led and were themselves either stupid or overconfident. They assumed that no one would dare face them and turn their own tactics against him. And I wasn't the only one that decided to take advantage of that; a few of Cor's men followed me out and nodded as we took turns luring the raiders to their doom. A fighting party hunted down the few that escaped the Coreman troops and brought the only five that lived to the yard of the house.

Unfortunately, the Captain and I strongly disagreed upon their fate.

"Did you or did you not leave a whole troop of highwaymen strung up in a tree when you brought my sisters and I to this land?" I asked him fiercely.

"I don't care for your insolence Fel. I'll have information from these men …"

I spat, "You'll get nothing. Look at them. Listen to their curses! Do you want to see them, their children, and their children's children forever at our gate?! They will never surrender and they will never willingly stop! Death is the only coin that will stop them!"

At that moment one of the men got loose from where he'd been tied and grabbed the Captain at the same time pulling the Captain's short sword from its scabbard. I saw blood and started screeching as a man of my town would have. I grabbed the knife off my belt and lept on the escapee opening his throat from ear to ear in one smooth move before he could do the same to the man, that despite all the circumstances surrounding it, I had come to respect as I would have an uncle. I turned to the remaining captives and grabbed a tomahawk and stone war club from the pile of weapons taken from the dead and before anyone could stop me, and in a few precise blows, ended four more lives.

I stood there, my chest heaving, then chucked the weapons to the side and started checking the Captain for injuries as he was covered in blood and still gasping for breath. Spotting a slice in his neck where I almost hadn't been fast enough I pulled him to the steps and started ripping my shirt to make a pad to staunch the blood that was pouring down his neck.

The pad was nearly soaked through before Lollie arrived and pushed my shaking hands away to fix a more proper bandage. She turned to me and put her hand on my forearm but the Captain stalled her speech by snarling at me, "This is not the Outlands! We do not kill our enemies like savages! And we certainly do not then ignore their lifeless bodies while they draw flies just to tend to …!"

I hissed like a cat right back at him, half because of the scare he had given me. "Get it through your thick civilized skull Captain … these men will not stop until we are dead or they are. Look at what almost happened to you. How would I answer to Winnie for that?! Outlanders like this will fight, lie, cajole … whatever it takes until you let your guard down and then they will laugh with joy while slitting your throat. Their sole reason for being on this side of the Mississippi is revenge for some imagined injustice that happened generations ago. You cannot fight an Outlander by your outsized code of honor … if you persist, you'll die and take a lot of innocent people with you. The only reason there weren't more injuries is likely this is a pathetic band that's been kicked out by the main group to harry and create chaos so to soften the estate up before the main body strikes. Had they been better led they would have struck at night or before first light. For whatever reason these did not and that is the only reason we routed them as easily as we did. There was no loss of life this time thank God."

Lollie pulled at my arm and I was forced to turn to her. It had finally gone dark and the bonfire where the bodies of the raiders were being destroyed illuminated her face reminding me of my Gran right before she spoke something awful. "Mistress Fel, you need to come. Miss Francine lost the baby."


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47

"No," I said with a finality meant to demand that she be wrong.

"Now Gilly …"

"No. No, no, no. She … Cor needs … He … He told me to take care of … Oh God …"

The Captain expression of anger had turned to shock at Lollie's words but somehow turned to even greater shock when he looked at me. My knees were trying to buckle and I heard buzzing in my head. No, it just couldn't be true. Cor needed this baby, wanted this baby. He'd told me to take care of Francine and the baby and this happens.

I kept trying to hold it together and asked Lollie, "Francine? Oh no … nothing has happened to Francine?! Cor won't be able to stand it!"

Lollie looked as stunned as the Captain by my reaction. Here I was the hard and heartless Outlander coming undone. I'd just killed five men, practically in cold blood, and yet now I was in an emotional panic.

"Easy Gilly," she said like some would talk to a half wild horse. "Miss Francie is resting." Under her breath I heard her mutter to Jonah who had come up, "Calmer than when that Lathrop rider got here with his news."

A look passed between them at the time I couldn't even begin to decipher. All I could wonder is what was Cor going to say. What if something happened to Francine too? What would it do to Cor?

I started to go in the house to pay my respects to Francine's grief but Lollie held me back. "She's resting I told yer. I've given her something to slow the loss of blood and while she's not out o' the woods she isn't in any immediate danger. She needs quiet. I'll let you know when she can have visitors."

"Tell her … tell her …" I looked at Lollie and felt lost. "I don't know what to tell her. I … I don't know what I'm going to tell Cor."

Jonah took that moment and stepped in. "Cap'n?" Whatever look passed between them meant something too but I was passed knowing or caring.

The Captain, using the handrail to come down the stairs, told me, "Fel, go to the kitchen and let Mrs. Wiley see to you. When the time comes I'll tell Cor …"

"But it was my job to watch 'em and take care of 'em! Cor told me to …"

In a stronger, more authoritative voice, "Fel, go inside. You're exhausted and as distraught over what has happened as the rest of us. Let Mrs. Wiley get you something to eat."

Then one of the older boys that Topher used to follow around ran up and speaking to Jonah while trying to ignore me said, "We can't find Mickey or Topher. We've looked everywhere you told us to Jonah."

My heart added a layer of ice and threatened to crack. I croaked, "I sent Topher to the house!"

Quietly Jonah said, "He was sent to fetch arrows Gilly. No one has seen him since."

As if to hold back the next terrible truth I said, "No! He shouldn't have gone missing between the house and the weapons shed!"

"Calm down Gilly," Jonah told me sharply but not unkindly.

"You aren't listening. If they made it through that side they came through the forest. They …"

Jonah took me from the Captain who was beginning to look at me with a great deal of concern. "They did Gilly but my men did for 'em all. They didn't get to the food or water and weren't able to set the backfires they planned."

Trying to grab my threads that threatened to unravel I put my brain in gear and muttered, "The front attack was a feint. The real attack was supposed to come from behind and be too subtle to detect until it was too late."

Jonah nodded. The Captain cursed and started calling for reports from the men under his command. He was beginning to remind me more of the man that had fetched me from the Outlands. Guess in Kipling they think they can take their warrior on and off at will rather than wearing it all the time. Da used to tell me that it was the same where he came from and for those men – and women – that couldn't do that, life could be uncomfortable.

For the rest of the night I roamed as far from the house as Jonah and the Captain would permit. And when they thought I'd gone to sleep at the cabin, also under their orders, I slipped out of the tunnel I had dug – the real reason I had been digging out the old root cellar – and went tracking farther afield. Most of my forest traps had been effective though some had been sprung without doing any harm; all but two had blood on them and several still had an occupant. They must have turned cautious though because I found a spot where a large group had stopped while a smaller one had broken off and headed to the house.

They must have milled in that spot for a while given the evidence and how trampled the area was and then left the way they had come. I continued tracking their path and was deep into the forest when I found Mickey's body.

Mickey was older than Topher but not much bigger. His body carried two arrow wounds but they wouldn't have been fatal unless they became infected. The fatal wound was at his throat. I surmised he'd been taken but had slowed them down too much or become too troublesome so they had disposed of him. Tucked in Mickey's hand was a piece of leather fringe that had been dipped in walnut stain to darken the end. I knew for a fact that it had come from the moccasins I had made for Topher. The only hope it gave me was that the boy was still alive at that point. But it also depressed me. I knew the kind of painful indoctrination he was in for. They'd wipe his memory of any life he had before they captured him or they'd turn those memories to their own purpose of hatred so he'd never want to return even should he have the chance.

I carried Mickey's body back. I couldn't bear to leave it for the animals until the men could collect it. The sun had been up for a few hours by the time I met one of Jonah's patrols and turned the body over to them.

One of the men told me quietly, "Better get back to the house Mistress Fel. The Cap'n be white hot mad and Jonah ain't much better. They's be needin' you." My concern over the men's anger was only a distant thing. The ice that had coated my heart had grown and expanded to cover the whole of me; mind, body, and spirit.

I stumbled into the yard, heading towards my punishment for disobedience but a voice from the porch stopped me. It was Winnine. "Fel, leave the men to it for a while yet. They are overset. You need to come hear it from Francine herself."

I sighed, knowing she was right. I turned my feet to the house feeling Francine had greater cause to berate me and that I owed it to her to take it.

Strangely Winnie put her arm around me and drew me into a hug. "You have to be strong Fel."

"She'll get her pound of flesh Winnie," I assured her. "I won't deny her that."

Surprise and then concern crossed her face. "That's not what I mean." After looking me over she asked, "Fel, are you all right? I realize this is all very difficult but … but you don't seem yourself."

I hung my head in shame. "I failed Winnie. I failed to protect Cor's child. I failed you and the Captain by almost letting the Captain get killed. I failed Topher … he's gone and I won't ever see the boy again. Worst of all – as if it could be worse – I failed Cor." I shook her off and climbed the stairs leaving her staring after me in shock.

I reluctantly faced Francine's door and then went in. Immediately the hysterical woman on the bed started screaming at me, "You! This is your fault!"

Lollie bustled briskly about the room and said, "No Francine it is not." She stepped between me and Francine and guided me back out of arm's reach of the bed. She gave Francine a sharp glance and she at once stopped carrying on. A strange sensation filled the room. Normally caregivers are all kindness and understanding toward the grieving woman in such a situation but there was none of that that as far as I could feel. Lollie was not being unkind, nor were the other two women who were there – one cleaning the hearth, the other sitting by the bed – but their objectivity and lack of emotion was unnerving.

I kept waiting for Francine to continue her diatribe but all she did was glare at me. There was no doubt she was suffering. In addition to her emotional imbalance her hair was limp and lifeless, her complexion the color of paste. Great dark circles nearly swallowed her eyes and she grimaced often in pain. I turned to Lollie who pointed to the bundle of sticks that lay on a small table.

I stared at the bundle and then, after realizing what they were, it clicked. "No," I denied. "No, she wouldn't have."

Lollie sighed and said, "She did and freely admitted to it."

I shook my head still in disbelief. "She couldn't have. I checked her room over myself several times."

A shrug was my answer until Lollie added, "She didn't need to keep them in her room when she had the keys to the pantry from her housekeeping ring. The only reason I found these half used things is because no fire had been laid in her sitting room yet. They were hidden in the tender."

I continued to shake my head at the horror of it. Lollie saw I was struggling with shock and denial and she put her arm around me once again. "It isn't just the sassafrass. We found the mugwort's been gotten into plus several other things. But I think it's the combination of the sassafrass and mugwort that did the damage."

From the bed Francine cried, "It's her fault. She wouldn't leave me in peace, wouldn't help me get what I needed. And then she turned everyone against me. No one would listen. Not Winnie, not the Captain … not even Cor!" Looking me and blatting like a sick goat she croaked, "You even turned my aunts against me. Every letter … EVERY LETTER … Aunt Muriel and Aunt Hazel would lecture me. They wouldn't send me any comfort what so ever. They wouldn't come to me no matter how I begged and no one would take me to them either!"

She was quickly getting out of control and was struggling up off the bed. I ran over with Lollie to help hold her down. Lollie told me, "Hold her Fel or she's liable to do herself worse harm. I'll fix another sedative."

Holding her without injuring her wasn't easy. I almost had to put my full weight on her. She was screaming and crying, "Your fault! Your fault!"

Suddenly I was wrenched backwards and ripped off the bed. I tripped and fell. I quickly got up but stopped in horror.

Cor.

He had Francine in his arms and she was crying into his chest while he rocked her. Then she pointed at me alike a shamaness and shouted, "She killed my baby. She's a jealous huzzy and poisoned me. That wicked girl has killed our baby!"

Cor turned his shocked eyes to me. I could see the pain in them. I knew he was confused and grieving and likely had come straight up upon hearing the news. And my guilt tore at me, making me feel some of what he had to be feeling. His words though tore me wide open. "I asked you to keep them safe!"

I felt pummeled. So few words yet they left deeper marks than even the Headman could ever make even when he tried his hardest. But I wasn't going to defend myself. I had failed. I had let him down.

I jumped when I felt Winnie put her arm around me and pull me to the door. As we stepped across the portal she turned to Lollie and said, "Explain things to him."ere


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter 48

Winnie led me downstairs and I went willingly enough. All I really wanted to do was escape. Escape to what I had no idea at this point but I knew I needed to do something … preferably something that would make whatever end there was for me useful to those I cared about, but end it must just so it would stop hurting.

In the kitchen Winnie made me sit down. Mrs. Wiley thrust a mug of something rich and warm into my hands but after one sip I nearly gagged and I tried to push it away.

Mrs. Wiley unceremoniously pushed it right back at me and said, "Yer'll drink that and like it. Yer won't be starving yerself on my watch." When I turned stubbornly away she snorted and said, "Mistress or not, yers just about ter find yers is not ter old ter switch with a willow. Ain't had no sleep. Ain't had no food. Well 'tis goner stop afore you leave my kitchen or I'll know why."

She started banging pots and pans as she slammed them on them on the stove top. I'd managed to rile her even more than Jonah and I hadn't thought that possible.

Winnie placed her warm hand over my cold one. "Fel, he'll be sorry he spoke as he did, even more so when he finds out the truth. He's changed so since you've come; so rarely thoughtless in his words. He was just grieving and upset."

"Why?" I asked in a monotone. "Why expect him to be sorry for something that is simply the truth. I was supposed to …"

In a voice heavy with exasperation Winnie said, "Enough. And I had better not hear another word about failure either." I winced. Having both Mrs. Wiley and Winnie upset with me on top of everything else went beyond uncomfortable by a few miles.

Continuing more kindly she asked, "Do you think you're the only one feeling guilty my Dear? How many of us missed the signs? I even more than you should have seen it. My own sister, Cor's mother, became dependent on a pipe of Lobelia every evening towards the end of her life. Cor's father was not very … kind … to her and she believed it was the only thing that made his attentions bearable though after Lee's death I read entries in his journals that suggested that … well, never mind, they are both dead now and hopefully they've found peace together where they are even if they could not here on earth." She shook the memories away and added, "Then there is the fact that Rob and I … we knew Francine's mother … we should have seen the resemblance in their behaviors."

I put my hand up to stop her. "Don't make excuses. And … and don't say those things about Francine. We don't know if she is or isn't like her mother. Right now she … she does have a problem but to say it is anything more than that … inherited instead of learned … It will hurt Cor that his wife …"

In a voice that held the promise of something I didn't care to examine right then Winnie said, "You're his wife too."

I blanched as the lie stabbed me again and again. Instead I told her, "Not like Francine is his wife."

She said a heartfelt, "Thank God." I shuddered but she mistook it for a chill and insisted we move closer to the fire. I agreed simply to get her to a different subject but she wasn't finished yet. "The opportunity will present itself Fel. I will never repeat the mistake of meddling in your life in such a way again and pray no one ever does it to Rachel or any other girl in Kipling forever more, but what happened cannot be undone and God forgive me, it may be Cor's and the estate's salvation."

"Winnie," I whispered fiercely looking around to see if anyone heard. "Don't say such things. Do you even know what you are saying?"

She looked at me calmly and answered, "I don't expect it to happen overnight nor am I saying that Francine should be boarded up in the attic some place like Rochester's wife. But you should think about it, think what this could mean to everyone."

I shook my head denying the future she was trying to map out for me. It felt even more repugnant than the one that had originally been meant. "I will not … usurp … Francine's place at Cor's side. I never agreed to that. He and I have spoken about it. No … no … I …"

A cat footed Lollie entered the kitchen startling everyone and said, "Might not have any choice in it Mistress Fel." To Mrs. Wiley she said, "The Mister will be down shortly for Jonah to take him to the ice house. He wants to see with his own eyes."

Mrs. Wiley paled but nodded and sent a boy to bring Jonah to the back porch. I shook my head, "Surely there is no need for him to put himself through that. I understand there will need to be a burying but … but the babe would be so small so …"

Winnie spoke quietly. "It isn't that Fel. I believe what Lollie means is that Cor has to see the proof of what Francine has done."

"She's lost the babe … there's no need …"

It was Lollie who spoke the bitter truth. "It won't be pretty to look upon, I agree. The babe's been dead at least a few days afore Francine's pains come on. But it's more than death. Seven months and the babe would have been small but should have still been built like a babe should be at birth. But truth be told, even had the babe been born ter term and alive it would have suffered. The babe be withered on one side from head to toe and it ain't from womb death. I'm not even sure if that little one ever could have ever been strong enough to have drawn breath in this world."

I moaned and put my head in my hands. I felt silent tears, tears that shouldn't have been there. I had no business crying … but they wouldn't stop no matter how many I wiped away. I was so involved with my own pain I mistook his footsteps for Jonah's. His hand came down on my shoulder and I turned to tell Jonah to leave me alone only to realize it was Cor.

The shock of it was too much. The pain in his face was too much. I jumped up and backed away trying to wash away the tears with my hand. He opened his mouth to speak but, cowardly or not, I ran.

I don't remember where I ran but I awoke in the orchard with the Captain's great coat draped over me and him sitting against a nearby tree. I jumped awake and realized it was past noon. He must have thought I was going to run again because he said, "Don't Fel, I'm too stiff after yesterday to track you down again. You've given Winnie and everyone a good fright though I think we all understand. Here," he said tossing a slab of pemmican at me. "Eat this or Mrs. Wiley will be the one to finish what that Outlander started and I'd look awful strange to my daughter with an extra smile where one didn't belong."

I gave him a look wondering if he had cracked during the night. He gave me a small, sad smile. "I owe you an apology Fel. I must be getting old … or idealistic which will get me just as dead. My only excuse is that I've always tried to keep the two parts of myself separate. I never had to concern myself with what would Winnie think of me as I always left my less civilized self on the other side of the border. I can no longer afford to do so … and I worried needlessly anyway. Winnie took me quite to task and reminded me that she knew who and what I was when we married and she expected me to do whatever it took to stay alive to help her raise our daughter."

Munching on the pemmican so that I would not have to have a peel rung over my head by anyone else, least of all Mrs. Wiley who had a great talent for that sort of thing, I told the Captain, "Winnie has always had good sense."

The Captain nodded and said, "Yes … yes she has much to my blessing." He sighed and asked, "Now as for you, you seem to have lost all sense. Running off in the dark like that, not eating … I found you passed out under this very tree and if you hadn't been fiercely wrapped around that Green River of yours and brandishing it in your sleep I might have simply hauled you back to your bed and tossed you there for being a brat. Would you mind explaining exactly why you ran the way you did?"

I didn't want to but felt I owed it to him. Reluctantly I told him, "I couldn't stand to see the pain Cor is in. I failed … No Captain … Winnie and everyone else can try and say it is something else but it's not. I failed. I did not complete my mission. A babe is dead and a lot of people are hurting because I didn't see what I should have. And the estate, the people on the estate … I don't know if they are in danger again, if that flaming Council will try something else next. Or the Lathrops … what will they do when they get word of what has happened? All because my eyes didn't catch the signs that seem so obvious in hindsight."

Calmly he asked, "And … Cor's words aren't the reason? You aren't … pouting?"

I growled, "I deserve every horrible thing he has to think of me." I jumped to my feet and tried to walk away but the Captain wasn't nearly as old or as frail has he tried to pretend because he was right there with a panther's grace.

"Fel … there is no shame in the fact that Cor's words hurt but I tell you, whether you are ready to believe it or no, the memory of his words are hurting him much worse. Do not turn on him, he needs you now more than ever."

I shook my head not wanting to believe what he was saying. "He can't. You don't understand."

"No, not fully. And I'll not go delving into yours … or Cor's … business over this. What I will add is that it is not just Cor that needs you. The estate – the people – they are confused and frightened. The attack was bad enough, it has made them feel vulnerable in a way most haven't in at least a generation. But this business with Francine, it is threatening their future."

His words reached me in a way no other plea would have. I sighed quietly and asked, "What do they need of me?"

He patted my shoulder. "For now, just come back. Try and project some stability." When he saw the face I made he said, "I know. I hated the fakery of it when I was managing the estate after Lee died and before everyone realized just how bad things were. But projecting confidence eventually helps you to find confidence just like using patience teaches you to have more patience. In this instance it is even truer. We cannot expect our people to fight a foe when they are too busy fighting their own fears. Fear is a mind killer Fel and if the enemy senses it, they'll be on us like a dog pack."

Now that I understood and even though my heart was breaking I knew I had a score to settle with the Outland raider that had stolen my Topher from me. And even if I never got him back I was going to make sure that the enemy was paid for every bit of pain they had inflicted a full seven score times over.


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter 49

Time has passed and the pain is as deep as ever. My shame though, if possible, is even deeper. It is not just my failure … but why the failure cuts so deep that has me wishing that I had died in the stocks so many months ago.

It is horrible. I love him. Despite all my protestations of honor I have fallen in love with another woman's husband.

There it is, the thing that keeps me up at night when I'm not exhausted enough to force sleep. I'm no better than a saloon girl. And how stupid I must be not to have seen it sooner, not to have seen the danger of it. Did I really think I could continue to convince myself that I only saw him as a brother? And a little brother like Georgie of all things? Where did my vaunted commonsense disappear to?

I had a man, not my true husband, sleeping in my bed and I thought I would remain unaffected, untempted. It doesn't matter that there was no physical act beyond sleep; the thought is as good as the dead. I had come to depend on his company, enjoyed spending time alone with him, imagined that he came for me and me alone. What a fool I've been. It was not kindness from me to him that asked for him to stay … it was my need of him, a need to pretend, not just to everyone else but to myself. Well now my pretending has spawned something awful and real and I am so ashamed I can barely look anyone in the eye for fear they will see it.

I certainly can't face Cor. I've tried what few times I've seen him but every time he comes in my direction I have to run. I can't bear to have him know … for that knowledge to make him feel even worse than he must already.

Seeing his pain … his and Francine's … beside the small hole in the graveyard where they laid the mortal remains of their baby was bitter medicine that woke me up to my own behavior. Francine looked as fragile as spun sugar and she was quickly whisked away back to the house, unable to even toss a handful of dirt in the grave, as just as soon as the last words of the graveside service were spoken the sky opened up and began to cry great tears.

I felt I owed it to the babe to watch the burying to the bitter end. It had started with the washing and the dressing of the poor small thing and dressing it in a wee dress barely as big as a lady's handkerchief; then laying its body in a velvet lined coffin that had started life as a jewelry box. Some questions were raised at that but I told them the babe was a jewel after all, a lost one, and nothing could be more appropriate a final resting vessel.

The hole that was dug wasn't wide or long, but was just as deep as all the others that surrounded it. A stone would be raised there as soon as it was carved. All it would say was "Daughter" because Francine has refused to name the child and Winnie told me that Cor could not bring himself to do it without her. After I had watched them tamp the small square of sod back in place I finally gave up and ran across the forest and hid in the cabin. I puked for hours, praying that God would cut the feelings out of me; the grief, the shame. I couldn't shake that this was as senseless and unnecessary a death as those of my family had been.

For his part Cor could not leave Francine's side for more than a few moments at a time or she began to suffer anxiety attacks. Even with him there Lollie shared that she went through great shaking cycles of illness as her body was forced to adjust to the loss of the babe and the loss of the substances she had been dependent on at the same time.

After that first week she quieted down but then developed a fever and he could not leave her for fear he would miss her death. A courier was sent to the fort but the rain that had started on the day the babe was laid in the ground had continued and travel on the road was next to impossible on horseback or by foot … it would have been impossible to try it by wagon and several rivers were swollen well past their banks and unpassable.

I realized after the funeral that in order to live with myself I would have to find some purpose, spend my grief and shame in atonement. It doesn't matter that I didn't mean to fall in love, all that matters is that I did and I let it go too far; let the lie become all too real.

In order to sleep I had to work myself into exhaustion. I helped cart wood so that the carpenters could rebuild a bridge that had been wiped out by a tree coming down the river it went across. I planned the spring plantings with Jonah and the other field supervisors. I helped move all of the goods out of the village church's cellar when word came that it was flooding. I helped to lay a corduroy road when a small wash out made traveling even more difficult. Anything I could find to do I did.

And it worked. I was too exhausted to think much beyond everyone's immediate needs. I would collapse as soon as I entered the cabin and awaken before dawn and rush to start it all over again. I stayed away from the house because I had heard that any time Francine thought I was near she would become agitated. As a result, I spent as much time working in the village as I could. I got to know the people there that I had never met, renewed acquaintances of those that had come to help with the harvest over last summer; paid them for their help then by helping them in this season with leaking roofs, flooded cellars, and soggy sheds. I helped with great cauldrons of soup to feed those that were running out of food because the planting of the spring gardens was being pushed back so far.

There was only one moment when I nearly gave in to my loneliness and pain. I had blown out my candle and was banking the fire when there was a knock at the cabin door. I automatically ran to open it but with my hand on the latch I froze. I knew that knock. I dreamed of that knock. I could feel him on the other side of the door. I could hear his breath through the spy hole. Then I heard his sigh and the scuff of his boots as he turned and walked away. I cried myself to sleep that night even though I knew I'd done the right thing.

The rain finally stopped leaving a mess behind which I threw my back into to help clean up. As the rains passed so did Francine's fever. As the mud dried, so did her tears. And as soon as the roads were passable – a month after the baby's death – Mona finally arrived but she was not alone; Docia was with her. Another wagon expelled a great number of Lathrop women including Muriel, Hazel, and Glyssen.

I waived Docia off from my place in the tree I was helping to prune. I knew that Mona brought her for a purpose and would need her. After the pruning was finished I went into the forest to gather the wild greens that were springing up everywhere knowing they were needed and welcome to feed the people until the gardens that were quickly being put in the ground could produce their own bounty.

It was late evening when I stumbled up to the back porch and silently left my offering for Mrs. Wiley and her helpers to find and take down to the cellar to keep for the next day. I thought I would get away undetected but Docia had been waiting for me.

"Fel!"

She ran down the stairs and her embraced swallowed me. I tried to hold back but then nearly crushed her in a return hug.

"Come into the kitchen so I can see you," she ordered in a way the old Docia never would have.

I shook my head. "No, I don't want to create work for Mrs. Wiley and track mud into her domain. Go on inside Docia, it's warmer than it has been but it is still cool for April. Best you go in before you catch a chill."

She was adamant. "I'm not going to catch a chill." She sighed, "But I suppose I can understand you not wanting to go into the kitchen right now and it has nothing to do with mud." She put her arm through mine. "So let's go to your cabin."

"Docia …"

"Fel."

I knew that tone. She hadn't used it much but she could be as stubborn as I and that was saying something. I sighed and started to lead her to where I had been laying my head so long that it was a temptation to call the place mine even though I knew that temptation was the last thing I needed to give into.

We entered and I lit a small fire to take the damp off and then turned a full circle. "See? I'm as dirty as I claimed."

I started to bend back down when she stopped me. "You're not fooling me Fel McConnell. Now sit down here and really let me look at you and don't you go hiding anything either. I bet I'm as good at seeing through you as I ever was … maybe better."

I rolled my eyes and tried to pretend that things were the same as they ever were and let her have her way. When she was finished we sat for a quiet moment, she in the rocking chair I couldn't ever see without thinking of Cor and me in the chair. The table between suddenly rocked as her fist hit its top and I jerked out of the doze I was falling into.

"What have they done to you?!"

"Huh?" I asked, wondering if I had finally slipped off into the next world. An angry Docia was something I hadn't ever expected to see this side of the Pearly Gates, and on the other side there would have been no need.

"Look at you. You're as thin as you were when we came east but if possible harder. Do they work you like a slave here?"

I gave her a look of incredulousness. "Of course not!"

"Then why do you look like a half downed cat? Your hair is a briar's nest. You need a bath, and not just from today's mud. Your leathers haven't been waterproofed in I don't know how long … your moccasins either. I don't even want to get into the state of your feet. Fel! Had any of us sisters gotten to looking like this you would have taken us to the river and dunked us yourself. You know how important it is to stay clean! Are you trying to catch your death?!"

"Well, excuse me. When did you become such a lady?" I was sorry as soon as the words fell from my mouth. "Oh Docia … I'm … I'm sorry. I'm just tired. Go back to the house where you belong. They'll take good care of you there, better than I can."

Docia's shocked face was the last thing I glimpsed before the dam burst. I tried to stop but all I could do was cry. Docia somehow dealt with my falling apart while at the same time getting water heated, filling the tub and putting me in it. She washed me, my hair, tended my scrapes and cuts then got me out again, dried me off and into clean clothes. I had to cinch the waste of the skirt more than I expected and the shirt hung on me in a way that it had never meant to but at least I was finally clean.

And I was clean on the inside as well … or at least I had made a start. I had confessed all to Docia. And when I say all I mean all.

"You mean … you and Cor have never …? Not even with him … you know … sleeping in here? I know you had made that your plan to start but … but I never thought you'd be able to stick to it. Not with Cor such a fine figure and him obviously admiring you … and you have a marriage license, a real one."

"Never," I admitted. "We made a pact, a promise of sorts, so that neither one of us would have to lose our honor. We've pretended for everyone's comfort but even pretending has pinched us both something awful. Only I did the one thing I never should have Docia … I fell in love. I can barely stand myself. I wish …"

Then I heard the shutter bang and steps quickly running away. In a flash I was up and I saw a woman running toward the house. I knew that trot … it was Glyssen. And I knew the world was about to explode all over again.


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

I turned to Docia who was wide eyed with concern. I whispered a frantic, "I have to go. I have to try and … and …"

I ran towards the house, my bare feet barely feeling the hard ground or my cotton skirt flapping around my knees. As fast as I had flown though it was already too late. I had just put foot on the kitchen threshold when I heard an infuriated shriek from upstairs.

Ignoring the startled eyes of everyone I passed, I ran through the rest of the house and up the stairs. I didn't have to stand at the door and wait to be invited in … and wouldn't have had they tried to stop me. Francine was in the process of furiously attacking Cor with her knitting needles while everyone stood rooted to their spot in with various looks of horror and a few shrieks of fear.

In a quick glance I saw Cor was holding Francine off but just barely. His cheek was bloody and there was blood on his arm and chest as well from deep scratches where she got in a couple of whacks before he could grab her wrists. I ran forward and struggled to get between them and finally managed to wrench the needles from Francine's hand and throw them in Winnie's direction who grabbed them up for safekeeping. Lollie and Docia had run in behind me. Lollie helped me to wrestle Francine to a chair while Docia tended to Cor's wounds.

As Francine continued to struggle I shouted in her face, "You will either calm down or I will tie you down. Do you hear me?! You want to be mad at someone then take it out on me, not Cor!"

I looked a question at Lollie and then turned to Hazel who was white faced with shock while a hand fluttered at her throat. "Hazel, do you have any of that powerful tea … the one you said was for emergencies only?"

Glyssen who would have likely joined the brawl had Muriel not had a hand holding her back said, "You can't give that to her! What if she is with child?!"

Mona who had entered not too far behind Lollie and had a potion already in mid preparation said, "Girl do not be intentionally obtuse. Wishing does not make something so. I have already explained in detail to you that your cousin cannot have any more children … and not just because she has ruined her body either. Do not make me wonder if you are not suffering from some of the same problems as she."

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I barely noticed the frightened look that had crossed Glyssen's face. I tried to gulp for air but wasn't having much success and it felt like my scalp was about to crawl from beneath my braids. The look on my face must have been something awful because Hazel came up and drew me gently away from Francine who had stayed in the chair once she'd seen she was not receiving support from the right quarters. Quietly Hazel told me, "Mona explained it earlier today. Obviously your sister has not told you."

"No … no, no, no," I moaned. "It … it can't be like that. Cor needs … I mean …"

My words set Francine off again although she only attacked with words.

"Cor needs this and Cor needs that! What about my needs?!"

I snapped and finally turned on Francine. As gently as I could I broke out of Hazel's grasp and then screamed, "The world doesn't revolve around your flaming needs! What about the fact that you never asked Cor and I what we wanted?! Huh?!"

She cried, "We … we were supposed to be a family!"

I shook from head to toe. "We are a family you … you vicious … ARGH! And we would have been an even bigger family if you hadn't … hadn't …" I wanted to scratch her eyes out. Even though I had known the baby would never be mine I would have been like an auntie or something. "Now look what the results are. You've hurt yourself beyond all measure, taken away a future that wasn't your right to take away … if you hadn't wanted the baby for whatever reason I would have …"

"See!" she screamed to everyone in the room. "See! She's jealous! She wants my life!"

Cor's fist hit the wall making us all jump. "You put this in motion Francine! This proxy marriage that I didn't ask for. You caused Fel to be bought and sold like a piece of meat for your own pleasure. You knew my feelings on this subject. I had no problem with you having whatever female relatives you wanted to have here for as long as you wanted them if it was female companionship that you needed … but I have never understood why our private life couldn't be private … why you felt it absolutely necessary to burden me with a second wife …"

He winced and turned to me, "I didn't mean …"

I sighed and shook my head but still could not meet his eye. Finally calming down I said, "I know. It's … it's this lie we've had to live. Trying to make everyone happy. Francine … her family … the Council … the estate people … No one asked us what we wanted, what we needed. The only thing we could come up with between us to save our honor was to compromise it … and I haven't done a very good job of that. I'm … I'm sorry."

"Fel," he whispered. "Don't. I'm the head of this family. I'm responsible …"

Francine screamed, "There they go again. Making plans. Talking to one another. Like I don't exist."

Quick as a flash I was back to snarling. "This whole situation is because you exist you ninny. Because we were trying to give you what you want … to make you happy. Your happiness above everything else was our mutual goal. Cor loves you … you great big blithering … ARGH! How can that not mean anything to you?! How can you treat it with so little value?!"

Then as often happens in life, just when the pendulum crashes into the wall on one side, it gets thrown back just as violently in the opposite direction so quickly that you are left trying to figure out which way you are going.

Jonah rushed into the room, "Begging your pardon as I'm sure this all needs airing out but you'll have to save it for later. We're about to be under attack. Gilly, you need to come down here now … Topher's done found his way home but he's in a bad way."


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

God Himself must have guided my feet down the stairs because I swear as fast as I took them it is a wonder I didn't tumble down and break my neck.

The cool night air hit my face like a slap as I ran out of the front doors and in a circle of torchlight I saw a huddled figure trying to stand. I ran over and then pushed bodies out of my way to reach him. He fell into my arms but he wasn't crying like a boy, but was trying to deliver a message like a man though he was obviously in pain. I was so proud of my chosen little brother at that moment I could have burst.

"Mistress Fel," he gasped. "They're comin'! The bad 'uns. They attacked the village but got more than they expected and decided to head thisaway to try and chew on something smaller. I … I got away … used what you taught me … and came as fast as I could but they've got horses … it won't be anytime …"

His knees buckled and I could feel the weight he had lost since he'd been captured. In the firelight I saw the lash marks across his back and his arms and I'm sure the backs of his legs would match. How he'd manage to walk, much less run in his condition I couldn't even begin to wonder at since I had experienced a few lashings myself.

Bodies moved out of the way as the Captain rushed over to see Topher for himself. He took one and I fought him for possession of the now unconscious boy's body. "Fel, let me have him so he can be taken inside and tended to. God bless the young man he has become, he's bought us time and we need to use it to advantage."

I felt Cor's hands on my shoulders pulling me away and I was finally forced to let go. "Go in the house Fel," he said in my ear.

I jerked away from him and said, "What?! No … no I'm a fighter. I'm staying here!"

Cor spun me around and said, "Go … in … the … house. If Francine acts out during the battle … I have to be sure there is someone there strong enough to manhandle her if necessary. Mona, Lollie, and Docia are going to be busy with injuries. Mrs. Wiley can only do so much alone. Jonah has said the force coming against us is larger than the other was by three or four times. And they are coming in the dark."

Still shaking my head I said, "We'll need a perimeter …"

The Captain returned and patted my arm bracingly. "The boy says all of your toys in the forest have spooked them and they think something called a Giwakwa inhabits the land, laying traps for men like men would lay traps for animals."

I grinned evilly and a couple of men saw it and gave me a wide berth. "They might find that is closer to the truth than even they think if they cross me again."

Cor sighed in exasperation as he directed men to set up defensive positions. The Captain shook his head with a wicked smile of his own and said, "You just won't do, you just won't do at all." Then he got serious and said, "Do as Cor asks Fel. If you absolutely need to fight, there are arrow ports in the shutters on the third floor."

Cor looked irritated but didn't gainsay the Captain's words. The Captain understood I would not and could not be kept out of the fight that was coming but he was smart enough to try and channel how I participated.

Reluctantly I turned to go back in the house. Cor stopped me and said, "We need to talk."

I was outraged at his timing. "Not in the middle of a battle we don't," I reminded him, shying away from the confrontation that was bound to come.

"No, not in the middle of a battle. But people are going to want answers. They are going to demand …"

I spit like my Da would when the words in his mouth tasted foul. "They can demand all they want. I'm done dancing to someone else's tune." I finally looked him square in the face and added, "Especially hers."

He sighed and nodded. I looked away but continued and said, "But that's for another time. Right now keep your mind on what is at hand. I shouldn't have to remind you, Outlanders are vicious."

Quietly he responded, "And I shouldn't have to remind you that you're not just an Outlander anymore. You belong here as much as … as anyone else does, maybe more at this point. If you insist on fighting you keep that in mind. Understand?" I nodded and then we parted.

I ran back through the house, stopping only briefly to assure myself that Docia had Topher firmly in hand. When he looked like he wanted to fight her I told him, "Docia tended to me when I'd gotten a good sized hurt on. She's the best and she doesn't twit you because of how you feel. And she's got some of the gentlest hands God put on this earth." Given him a bit of sternness I added, "And she's got a tender heart as well so you just keep that in mind."

He looked at me and then growing weary of fighting he sighed and nodded. "I will Mistress Fel. And I'll keep yer sister safe when she's done patching me up."

Docia snorted. "You've been teachin' him your bad habits haven't you Fel."

Topher gave a small grin and said, "Bain't such a bad thing. Kept me from croaking more than a few times."

I looked at Docia and she nodded. "He'll be all right Fel. He just needs tending so he doesn't catch a fever."

I had turned Topher's fate over to God. And God had given me back my rami – my little brother – but not even the old words that Gramp's father had taught him sufficed for what Topher was for me. He was the start of the family I had tried to rebuild, like my sisters before him. I know he'll grow up and go his own way as it is meant to be but until then he holds a place in my heart no one else can occupy. I am a person that needs to be needed and for a time Topher needed me, and for a time he still would. But I could not do everything for him and I needed to trust Docia to spend her talents on his healing.

I couldn't afford to spend any more time on my emotions. I ran to the cabin and grabbed up all I thought I would need. My bow, quiver, and all the arrows there; I also grabbed the bag that held my poisons for dipping arrows and darts into. Into a belt I quickly tied around my waist went my hand-to-hand fighting tools … my green river, a tomahawk, a stone hammer, and a sling with a pouch of river stones. I also grabbed my water skin that I kept filled out of habit. I would not want anyone coming up the stairs behind me when I was in a killing mood even if it was just to try and ease my thirst. Too many accidents happen that way.

I doused the fire and then locked the cabin down so it couldn't be used as a hide out. I knew that Jonah would be locking all of the other buildings down as well and stationing guards in or near by each one. When I got back to the house I saw that barrels of arrows were being rolled in both the front and back doors. Jonah winked at me and said, "Don't figure on sending boys running around in the middle of a fight no more. And we'll be dousing all the lights to save us from turning into targets. No need to make their job any easier eh Gilly?"

I nodded in relief, secure in the knowledge that these men learned from their experiences both good and bad and adjusted their tactics accordingly. I also wasn't averse to grabbing up a couple of extra bundles of arrows for my own use. I slung them onto my back and then moved on.

I went up the first flight of stairs and stopped, listening to see what sounds came from Francine's rooms. I heard soft crying and prepared to enter to see what I could do but Hazel came out of the darkened hallway and stopped me. "It's Glyssen. She's finally accepted …" The older woman stopped and shook her head. "I think it has been fear that she would go the same way …" She stopped again this time pursing her lips over a subject she wasn't prepared to discuss. Finally she startled me by saying, "Might I ask you something Fel?"

I grimaced. I wondered how to tell her that now wasn't the time but she apparently understood. "Not a long discussion as I know time is of the essence but I must know before I go to turn out all of the lamps. Would you truly have been willing to continue as a pretend wife to keep Francine happy?"

I sighed. "That's been my intent. Cor loves Francine and it has always been his desire to not hurt or harm her. All we wanted was to … to be allowed to retain some self-respect for ourselves."

She patted my arm surprising me. "You might find it strange to know but I … I was not always enamored of the life I lead. But …" she sighed. "But it was the life my parents led and the life they'd chosen for me, a life I'd been given no choice about. I eventually came to terms with it but it was far from easy and I must say I did not complain when my husband eventually took on younger wives and allowed me to live a life separate from … well … separate from my wifely duties. And I never had daughters to …" She shrugged then tilted her head like a curious bird. "But as much as I struggled I never, not once, thought of taking the road you chose. I wonder what would have happened if I had." She sighed and shook her head again. "Muriel and I are trying to … to come up with a way to manage this … this …"

"Mess?" I asked helping her find a word.

"Hmmm, I suppose that is the word for it at this point. But tragedy and catastrophe aren't far from the truth either wouldn't you say?"

With that she floated down the hall in the direction of Francine's bedroom and I shook my head to clear the questions that she had raised in my mind. I bounded up the last flight of stairs, putting away all thoughts except of the battle before me, and then began to set up my defenses.

At each window notch I peered out to see what vantage point I had. Not all of the notches were useful as trees had been allowed to grow up and in the way since the notches had been installed. At the rear of the house, regardless of Topher's assurances I placed a few extra arrows at each window. At the front and sides I placed the majority of the arrows that remained.

I was in the process of dipping some arrow tips when four men brought two barrels and a couple of buckets and placed them in the center of the large open space at the center of the upstairs. "Jonah sends his compliments Mistress Fel and figgers yers know what ter do with this should yers need it."

I waved to the men that I did indeed understand but continued to dip arrows and they tramped back down the stairs; but I did stop to admire how they managed to do it with so little sound, even in the dark of the enclosed stairwell. Someone had taught them that silence was golden.

I was in the process of dipping the last arrow when there was a cry in the dark. I heard horses in the dark and knew that the battle was on.


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52

A horse screamed and I heard it thundering riderless down the lane. Riderless? It was then I realized I saw the animal as well as heard it. Calm poured through me steadying my nerves. Was it simply that my Da had raised me and put me on a certain path? Was it that I'd learned even more the hard way from the Lakesiders – a people very skilled at night attacks – what was smart tactics and what was not? I'm not sure but I had to ask myself what kind of fool attacks in the light of the full moon when his opponent holds the high ground?

I smelled smoke and realized they were trying to hide behind a backfire but they had reckoned without the fact that it had been so wet not a week earlier. This land was far different from the Outlands; wet took a lot longer to dry out. The dead grass had already been sheered and thinned and fields plowed in preparation of planting, and the trees were ripe with sap leaving little for the fire to even catch on. So long as we could keep them away from the buildings and the barns, fire was not the weapon they had planned on it being. There weren't even many haystacks left for them to light, and those that had remained after their attack a month before had been moved to more secure and protected areas.

Then I saw the enemy creeping along the orchard and through the hedgerows. They moved slow and I decided to teach them even more caution.

I favor a long bow. I've had people laugh at me for it saying it was nearly as long as I am tall but that's not quite the truth although the weapon is more than half my length. But the results aren't just due to the bow but how many pounds you can pull. My Da could put a metal headed tip clean through a small tree with his pull. I've never been able to duplicate his strength but my accuracy is nothing to sneeze at within my range. And that range was enough given my vantage point.

Jonah's archers could throw a mass of arrows three hundred yards from their positions but it was for volume not accuracy. They took down some men but not enough to warrant more than a volley or two of such capacity. Had they kept it up they would have wasted too many arrows. Me on the other hand, I was deadly within a hundred yards needing barely a moment to aim and I did well enough as far out as a hundred and fifty yards so long as there was no rush and I could get the wind and direction to favor me. On very rare occasions I've shot accurately up to two hundred yards but that was with the wind behind me and lots of luck riding on the fletching.

This night there was no wind to drive the few fires that had been set which meant there was none to spoil my aim. As soon as any raider came within my range and sight I sent an arrow their way. I didn't even have to affect a killing shot as a nick would soon have the man down from my poisoned tips. As soon as I noted caution from one direction I would switch windows and pick off more from another … and teach them a dose of caution as I had the others. As a single shooter I drew no attention and never suffered an attack on my position. We kept them at bay for over an hour but given the number of men with the raiders it couldn't last forever.

A volley of flaming tar-tipped arrows came in next and it took time to put them out. That time allowed the raiders to work their way closer. I did what I could. I watched for the telltale flicker of the torches being used to light the arrows and I would send my own arrow into the bodies at that spot. I didn't always strike but it made them jumpy. That's when they brought their makeshift catapults.

The boys of my town would play war and practice with these oversized slingshots by shooting rotten gourds at each other's positions. The boys had stationary uprights that operated much like a bow laid on its side. Two boys would brace the uprights and a third would load, cock, aim, and then fire which would chuck the rotten fruit in the appropriate direction and much further than one could ever be thrown by hand.

These raiders were doing the same thing only the slingshots were portable and could be moved from position to position, and instead of rotten gourds they were chucking fire pots at us. The one disadvantage to the weapon is that the operators had to get into the open in order to shoot it and I wasn't the only archer that caused a flaming mess to explode before it could be released.

By two hours it was a war of attrition. They would move forward then be forced to retreat. Come forward again under a volley of arrows that would cause casualties on our side then we would pay them back and kill them until they retreated once again. A few times they came close to damaging the house and outbuildings. I had to go out onto the roof more than once to put out lit tar splatters; and at one point was forced to rip part of my skirt off up to my thigh when it caught fire when I slipped near the edge. An outbuilding got singed deeply before it could be brought under control but eventually the enemy rain out of fire to throw at us.

Both sides of the battle lines were now well passed their first wind … and possibly their second as well. Adrenaline can only carry you so far before a body cries for rest. I have no idea how long the raiders had been on the move; they had to have run in quickly against the village because their presence hadn't been noticed and given the number of raiders I was seeing, a force of that size would have been obvious to all but a blind and deaf post. Our men had been hard at work all day and were tired as well, but we had what my Da called home field advantage. And we used it well.

Their last assault almost broke us. They came at us in the shape of a wedge with the thick point facing our front line. When the point reached and engaged us, still unable to break our line, the outer wings of their assault swept out and tried to flank us. We had marshaled many men to meet the point and as a result our sides had thinned. Their strategy almost succeeded. But as my Da always said, almost only counts in horseshoes and fire pots. A few men made it onto the porch of the house, I heard splintering wood and breaking glass, but they were quickly cut down by our own injured who had refused to do any more than pull back for a bandage to stop the flow of blood and return to provide rear guard support for those that remained on the line.

Then the tide turned. We had them on the run and everyone knew it was demolish them here and now or have them come back another day to try again. Our men assembled and took off after the enemy.

Soon the bulk if the enemy was in full retreat but that did not mean they were not still dangerous. I watched Cor and the Captain leading a contingent … and then I sensed it. A feint much like they had pulled before.

I wanted to scream a warning but it was too late and they wouldn't have heard me anyway. From the sides came a band of a dozen men, and then more men jumped up where they had been camouflaged to engage us to allow their brethren to escape. The Captain and Cor were pulled from their horses. I saw the Captain gain his feet, saw his sword flash, saw men running to their aid … then … then I saw Cor being dragged back to the house. He didn't move on his own. And even from the distance I was I knew the wound was bad, perhaps fatal.

In the moonlight the blood that covered him looked black and silver and something in me snapped. The shutter was nothing; it burst away from me like it was rice paper. I slid down the wall, across the porch's roof, and then down the columns of the veranda. I shot arrows until my quiver was empty … as empty as my mind and heart had gone of all that was good. Then I grabbed the nearest weapon, a war hammer that rose from the skull of an enemy raider who wore the cotton clothes of a neighboring territory. It was like a pick axe that had one side forged into an axe blade.

The weight of it in my hand felt good. The battle scream that exited my throat felt even better. Right in a way nothing had felt right in a long time. It was at that point that all the civilizing that my Da had pounded into me from birth left and I was fully Outlander for only the second time in my life.

War hammer in my right hand and green river blade in my left I attacked viciously anything and anyone that got in my way. Death had nothing to do with it; neither did leather or cotton or color or age or affiliation. My only purpose and satisfaction was to rend and maim, to cause what pain I could until they fell away and then went on to the next body that presented itself to me. It had nothing to do with fairness or justice or even emotion. All I cared about was being the instrument of vengeance against the monsters that had dared to touch those under my care. I was the black ghost, the poison spirit, and the deadly stonecoat all combined into one. No one could touch me, I was smoke; but every time I touched them they fell … many began to run but I was not going to let them go without paying a price for the pain that surrounded me on all sides.

Then a monster equal to the one I was becoming attacked me from behind. I rolled and came up swinging. He hadn't expected that and I sliced across his exposed chest drawing a hiss of pain from his misshapen mouth.

My monster was on the inside screaming to crawl onto my skin and take up residence there for eternity. His already lay across him like a well-worn cape. I recognized him for what he was … people eater, soul eater, trickster that led the men who followed him to their death.

We traded blows. He was large and powerful but I was small and fast. He saw nothing but a puny woman. My puniness hid a lifetime are hard won experience in the art of pain … both the giving of it and the surviving it.

His wide, swinging blows caused me no fear and only gave me time to run underneath his arms and prick him like an ever annoying mosquito. Where I suffered a few cuts, his body became covered with many and they all streamed his life essence.

"What are you?!" he hissed spraying rabid spittle.

In a voice tinged with madness I told him, "I go by many names. Jokao, Asin, Binaye Ahani, Nunyenunc, Witico, Tzeltal … more names than you can ever know from the deepest waters to the tallest mountains to the darkest forests. Not even the strongest warrior can stand before me. And this is MY land and these are MY people you worthless worm. You came where you were not welcome and you … will … pay … the … PRICE!"

I launched myself at him. I no longer cared whether I lived or died, but the one standing before me would cease drawing breath if it was the last thing I did on this plain of existence. My hammer was blocked by his axe … but my blade slipped passed his defenses and cut a deep sliced across his throat. Sensing the approach of his Maker fear replaced fire as his eyes began to cloud with death. With one last heave he threw me from him, catching me a painful blow on my head.

The last thing I remember before the darkness claimed me was stumbling and grinning as the monster toppled. I screamed in triumph and men ran from me in all directions, running from the woman who just barely remembered once being Fel McConnell.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

I dreamed. No. No I relived my waking nightmares. I burned with fever and across my eyes danced Alo's uncle still holding my Da's bloody scalp … the hooded discipline-giver with his heavy lash … the men who had degraded me while I was locked in the stocks … the laughter of the Headman as he sold me away from the only home I had ever known … the half-faced monster that had led the attack on my new home.

I grappled with these nightmares for three days. I don't remember the end of the battle. I don't remember being found just inside the main gate just after dawn. I don't remember that it was only Docia that I would allow to approach me. I don't remember finally collapsing into her arms, barely able see through the sticky blood that had cascaded across my face from a head wound.

I didn't see the fearful looks some people gave me or the loyal looks of the village and estate people. I was senseless to Jonah and some of his most trusted men as they bore me on a stretcher to the cabin and to Docia and Mrs. Wiley tending my body and my wounds. Nor did I hear the village women that would come every day to carry news of my health back to the ones that were busy putting all the damage to rights.

I didn't know that Topher, despite his own injuries, would snarl and snap at anyone that came too close to me when he wasn't expecting it; that he slept at the end of my bed on a pallet barely bigger than a cradle like he was a pup, refusing to leave my side except when Docia would remind him that I would be worried if he didn't eat or allow his wounds to be tended.

But I was told all these things within an hour of regaining my senses. I also demanded to know what our casualties had been and who was injured and whether they were likely to live or die. I was terrified of the answer but I had to know.

"Fel … please … not so soon," Docia begged.

I looked at her and asked point blank. "Is he dead?"

She shook her head. "But … but he's sorely injured. He cannot stay awake more than a few moments at a time. Some of it is Mona is keeping him sedated due to the pain and to keep him still until his wounds start to knit properly. Some of it is that he lost so much blood before it could be brought under control."

A man came through the cabin door and smiling brightly asked, "Are you upsetting my wife?"

"Robbie," I said by way of greeting.

"Well, your head can't be too damaged if you recognize me."

Dealing with a headache and annoyance I rasped, "I won't be the only one with a damaged head if you persist in being that silly."

Docia squealed in delight making me shudder as she cried, "Oh she's better! I knew it! Topher! Come quick, she's awake and fussing like her old self!"

I groaned and Robbie's smile got even wider. "Serves you right you know for worrying everyone."

He was trying to tease me into forgetting the questions I wanted answers to. "It won't work. Move so I can get up. I have to know what is going on. I'll … I'll be needed … I … I think …"

Flashes of memory – real or imagined I'm not sure – reminded me of the looks that were turned my way … the horror, the disgust. I blanched. Robbie saw and said, "None of that. How long have you known you were a berserker?"

"A … a what?" I asked, thinking it was some mental condition that would have me locked up for everyone else's safety.

He looked at me. "Hmmm. Docia mentioned she saw you in this state once before … or rather after you'd experienced it. It was when your family was killed."

Shamefaced I looked away from him. I'd barely been keeping my feelings at bay and to be reminded so baldly was almost more than I could bear.

"Easy Fel," he said kindly. "Usually it is men who have this trait. Some seem to … to wallow in it almost like it is a talent; some in fact ritualistically seek such a state. From what I see however I take it that you do not."

"Lord no," I whispered in disgust. "I'm … I'm a monster. What person in their right mind would want to be that … that thing I was … to put all they care for in harm's way … to completely lose control …" I shuddered again and wished I'd never woken up.

Robbie for his part pulled a chair up to the side of the bed I faced and said, "Fel, there are things in life that we cannot always easily control. Why God burdens us with such aspects I cannot tell you. Perhaps it is a challenge that we have to face, to overcome, to give us a goal so as to be better people. Perhaps He gives us those aspects so that at His time and His control He can use those aspects for His own purpose. Who knows, I do not. But I can tell you what a beserker is so you can better understand the state you were in."

He became the professional doctor and despite myself I listened. "Berserker is just an old name for it. A more modern term is battle trance. If you read the books from before the Dark Days it is a term denoting a specific and altered state of consciousness – a purely psychological state if you will – that is brought on by stressful situations or in some cases purposely sought through wrote actions designed to create the trance. While in the trance state the person rarely, if at all, feels fear or pain. They can act very differently from what their normal daily behavior is – from extreme altruism such as when a mother will sacrifice all to save her child with absolutely no thought for her own life – what I call the mother bear effect in the extreme – to being outwardly aggressive to the point of a killing rage."

"That's me … a madwoman killing …"

He shook his head. "Did you hear me mention madness? You are no more mad than I. I suspect subconsciously you've known or at least suspected about this personality trait and you've done everything you can to avoid activating it. From what I've seen it takes something extreme to bring it out. In fact," he grimaced. "If your trance state were that easy to bring about it would have come out at least once during all the times that your life has been threatened over the years. It has not. The only time it has come about is when …"

"Enough," I said trying to find the strength to prove to him I didn't want to hear the rest.

"Very well, but hopefully you understand and will not descend into self-pity."

I croaked, "Self-pity?!"

"Good. Outrage. Use it. Get better Fel. You are needed." At my continued look of stubbornness he sighed. "You are not mad … in love yes but that's not really madness in the traditional sense."

I gasped. Robbie smiled kindly. "Docia and I discuss everything Fel. And I think my cousin is lucky to have you. The problem is that after Uncle Lee died Cor began to develop an oversized attachment to his honor."

"There's not a thing wrong with his honor," I said hotly.

"Not if it comes with commonsense. He allowed what he thought was his honor to lock him into a situation that no matter what he could have done was only bound to get worse." He forestalled me with a raised hand. "No, I'm not trying to second guess him Fel, hindsight is much more clear than foresight. But once the trouble with Francine began he – both of you – tried to manage it yourselves with no help. You tried to keep it hidden when you could no longer deny that there were problems beyond what normally would have occurred during a marriage."

"Are you saying that … that it is our fault that Francine … that she …"

"No! Perish that thought now." He sighed. "Francine must take full responsibility for that, but at the same time she may well be beyond taking responsibility in full." He shook his head. "Let us return to Cor. Mother and Father have done what they can for Cor. They are fairly certain he will not die." His words stabbed me. "But more than medicine he needs to want to live and right now … right now that flame is not flickering very brightly."

"Francine …"

" … Is useless." At my sharp look he said, "I know. The dunderhead loves – or at least the memory of what they once shared – her despite it all and I suppose that is what happens to every man at some point but we aren't all blessed with happily ever afters. Mother and Father had no idea that Francine would inherit her mother's temperament and then take it to this extreme."

Trying to sit higher in the bed I asked, "You mean her mother wasn't … wasn't … this bad?"

"Well, at least you're willing to discuss the truth of it," he said. "No, she was not this bad. Nervous, frail, easily discombobulated, occasionally manipulative … all those yes but not so self-centered in her approach as Francine has become. Father thinks it is Francine's addiction and the particular teas that she became dependent upon to manage her mood swings that have actually exacerbated the problem. She chose the teas rather than behavioral modifications to intervene and keep her balanced."

Not quite understanding what he meant I asked, "Uh … be … behavioral mod … if … fications?"

Before he could explain Docia was back with Topher in tow. I spent a few minutes assuring myself that the boy was mending, making sure he was eating and letting his wounds get tended. "I'm minding Mistress Fel … but don't ever scare yer ol' Topher like that again. I didn't fight off them crazy Outlanders only ter come home and lose yer. Yer've still got ter much ter teach me!"

I smiled for the first time since I awoke. But then I felt my eyes grow heavy and I nearly cursed. "Docia! What was in this mug?!"

She brushed the hair out of my eyes and gently took the mug from my suddenly limp hand. "I didn't dose you silly … as if I'd risk you wrath over it … it's only that nasty Sherpa tea you're so ever loving fond of. What you're feeling is your body telling you it is time to rest so listen to it Sister. Stop fighting and rest … you'll need it."

I woke the next morning in a start. I heard Topher whisper fiercely, "Now yer've done it Jonah. She's awake and Mistress Docia is going ter tell Mrs. Wiley and we'll be sitting in hot water and get no dinner."

The older man snorted. "Yer leave me sister ter me. Gilly needs ter waken afore they leave. If we don't fetch her she'll ne'er forgive us."

Sitting up groggily I asked, "Before who leaves?"

Jonah came to the bed and helped me to pull myself up. When I was upright but still on the bed he answered, "Them Lathrops … all of 'em … including Miss Francie."

"What?! She can't!"

My head ached so badly it wanted to fall off … and I wouldn't have minded if it had … but I shooed them out and struggled shakily to tie a skirt on over the top of my nightshirt. I wasn't an appropriate outfit for polite society but it didn't sound as if there was time to armor up and they would simply have to take me as I was.

At the door I leaned on Jonah. I could see that Topher wanted to pout about that but I told him, "How do you think it would make me feel if I was to lean too hard accidentally and tear at one of them scabs you likely have under those clothes you're wearing?" When he realized I had at least considered leaning on him he seemed satisfied enough but he stuck to me like a shadow … a limping shadow but a plucky one.

It seemed to take forever but at least as I went along some of my strength seemed to be returning and I mounted the front porch stairs mostly under my own steam. I heard voices in the parlor and it was that direction I headed. Both Jonah and Topher stopped at the door and I entered alone.

Hazel saw me first and came forward. "Oh my Dear, I am so glad to see you awake."

"Hazel," I asked in a whisper. "What is going on?"

She fell silent and unusually docile as she looked behind me. Elder Lathrop had followed me into the room. He stood stiff and uncomfortable. "Mistress Fel," he intoned. "Would you permit me to have a word with you?"

My first thought was you better believe it buster, but I merely nodded to him and followed him into the adjoining room. He closed the door behind me and said, "Perhaps after your ordeal you should sit."

"I'll stand," I told him.

He sighed, "Very well. What I have to say is … uncomfortable." He seemed reluctant to start but once he had I could well understand why he would feel that way.


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54

"As I am sure you are aware there is an … embarrassing situation … facing both our families."

With Robbie's words still ringing in my ears I forced myself to remain calm. "Embarrassing? Elder Lathrop this situation is well beyond a description that simple."

The man sighed and then said, "Please Mistress Fel, let us sit. You may be young and of limitless capacity to bounce back from an injury but I am not."

I started to look more closely at him but he forestalled me by shaking his head and saying, "It was a month ago but I am not a young man and this … this situation we find ourselves in has drained me."

I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we both sat down. Frankly I was glad of the excuse to put my pride aside.

"Francine's mother – her name was Eleanor - was the daughter of my best friend from boyhood. At one time I had even proposed that she become my own bride. But for some reason my friend discouraged me and as a result I allowed us to become less … close as the years progressed. It was only after his death that Eleanor married and I began to suspect that all was not as well as it could be and that my friend had been both trying to protect his own family as well as me; it has left me with bitter regrets, regrets that I have tried to make up for by watching over Eleanor's daughter. Then Francine was born and for a time it seemed Eleanor well … but then she began to deteriorate; however, it was never unmanageable and was mostly attributable – or so it seemed – to a late in life case of the spots that caused her health to deteriorate significantly." He smiled. "And Francine was an angel." His smile faultered. "Or she was until she entered puberty. Unfortunately, by that time she had drawn the attention of Lee Corman and his son, both of whom were frequent visitors to our estate."

Staring at the past through the open window he continued. "You've heard of Lee's … personality. Francine's father and Lee were friends but there was also fear that should Lee come to know the truth that he would somehow use the information against the family for his own ends. Then Lee died but Cor continued to be smitten with Francine. To have denied him access after all that time would have created bad blood and raised questions that neither estate could afford given how closely we had become aligned by then." He turned and looked at me. "I will say here Mistress Fel that our elders have not been united in the strategy that was chosen to expand the estate and its influence in Kipling. I am one that believes that rather than expansion, we should have curtailed our contact with the other families. Too many outside influences have distracted our families from our way of life and confused our children from the path they should trod. Many have chosen to seek a life outside our culture, a sad thing for us all as it drains our people. I and many others now believe that it has been this wonton desire for power that has brought our own destruction upon us. We will be a generation rebuilding what has been lost as our punishment for taking our eyes off our true purpose of being fruitful and multiplying."

I couldn't say much to that. Never having much of a purpose beyond survival I wasn't going to tell this man and his people what their purpose should be. But I would have never chosen their way.

"And against good sense Francine's father allowed her to marry … but note it was marriage outside of the Lathrop clan. He was trying to give her a proper future, one she would not have had had she remained on our estate, and was hoping that a marriage and child would settle her as it had her mother. There was never any suspicion on our side that Francine had started to … to dose herself to deal with her own issues – issues of separation from the steady and structured life she had always known and needed. Obviously she knew something was wrong and was trying to recreate her former life and she was encouraged by certain factions within our estate. Poor girl was as manipulated as Cor and had fewer defenses against it."

I didn't see it quite that way but I allowed him to continue uninterrupted.

"And now, now there is the aftermath."

"I don't see how running away will accomplish anything and it will hurt Cor who is already injured enough," I told him forcefully.

Stiffly Elder Lathrop told me, "No one is running away young woman but this situation is unsupportable. Cor loving Francine is immaterial, a wrong must be righted. Unfortunately Francine is in no condition to make such reparations herself; nor can she be allowed to. Action must be taken on her behalf to safeguard her safety."

"No one is threatening her!"

"Not yet. But if word spreads before we can enact a suitable recompense I have no doubt that they will. What she did …" At his word I realized the man was as shaken as any of us over what Francine's actions had wrought. He tried to hide a look of disgust but was only mildly successful. "Neither of our estates are in any condition to withstand a full on onslaught by certain members of the Council. Corman cannot support the fines for a divorce, even one warranted in the eyes of all of Kipling … wait … I am not finished." I was having a hard time maintaining my calm and he must have seen that. "And and our estate is already prodded at every turn by those seeking to subjugate us. There is only one action that will remove the weapons from the hands of our detractors Mistress Fel and I have decided, in the memory of my friend, to make the sacrifice."

I wanted to ask him what in the blue blazes he was going on about but his next words effectively silenced me.

"We will transfer Francine's matrimonial contract from Cor to me."

I gagged. "What?!"

"In effect, Francine will divorce Cor and marry me."

"And how exactly is that a solution?!" I was fast losing what grip I had on my calm.

"Young woman if you do not stop using that tone of voice …"

"Now listen here, do not threaten me. Cor isn't here and while I may not have done a good of a job as he wanted in protecting Francine – I didn't truly understand her greatest enemy was herself – I haven't been released from that responsibility. I'm not going to turn her over to some fate I don't understand much less am able to trust is true!"

He lips twisted sardonically. "Very well, I concede the point that you feel you have a responsibility to continue to safeguard Francine; but I assure you she was given a choice in the matter and has made the choice herself."

"And what of Cor?" I asked outraged. "Has he been asked what he wants?"

"Cor is in no position to make his wishes known much less have them heard." I was ready to blast him again but he continued on. "Whether you understand why or not in Kipling the laws were written in such a way to protect a woman's position, to in essence protect the weaker sex. During the Dark Days too many females were abused with no way out of their predicament. The future of our population had to be insured and since it was most often the men that were the abusers …"

I spit, "Cor is about as far from abusive as you can get."

He shook his head. "Do not be idealistic, it does not suit you. Cor's … let us call it temperament … may not seem abusive to you as you are a strong individual with … hmmm … temperament issues of your own. Francine on the other hand is a delicate flower, one not able to withstand the rigors of Cor's needs and attributes."

I was ready to gag again.

"So he is a man … I still fail to see that as abusive. Sounds like you have a pretty good lock on your household yourself."

Appreciatively he said, "Just so. On the other hand I've never had to raise my voice or hand to achieve my ends."

Well, I didn't know whether that was true or not so I had to let it pass except I did say, "Shouting is not the same thing as hitting."

"To some. Not to others," he replied calmly.

He had a response to everything I could say so I shut up.

He finally got down to nails and tacks as my Gramp would have said. "In our civilized society it is very difficult for a man to divorce a woman without severe repercussions. Divorce is not much easier for a female except under the circumstances where she is leaving an undesired marriage for a desired one. The husband being divorced can fight it …" he got a deceptively kind look on his face that warned me I wouldn't like what he was about to say. "But he opens himself up to certain … accusations shall we say. Abusing a woman is a very serious offense in our society Mistress Fel. Even if you cannot see them as people and valuable in their own right, you must understand they are a resource that our society cannot live without."

"Yeah, yeah … preservation of the species and all that. But Francine cannot have more children … and the one she did …"

His walking stick struck the floor. "THAT will not become known. I assure you the consequences for both of our families would be devastating."

"Devastating because people would worry that the lot of you are crazy or …"

"Devastating because the death of a child – any child – is an offense warranting hanging. And as wrong as I believe that Francine has been, I cannot allow that to happen. She is ill and doesn't truly understand what she has done."

Horrified I said, "But if she's ill surely no one would …"

"Oh I assure you they would. Madness is culled from our society as necessary. There is a demand that you either control your family or Kipling society will do it to protect the whole. Do you understand?"

Unfortunately I did. The Outlands was a brutal place. Many children that were seen as defective were left in the wilderness to live or die as the spirits decreed. The elderly were allowed to pass with dignity when at all possible. The injured and maimed were given the dignity of living or dying as was their wish so long as it did not burden the people. But madness was seen as a judgment on an entire town, village, or family and was rooted out and destroyed whenever it was at all suspected.

The Elder continued, "I will marry Francine and take her on as my responsibility. That will effectively end my opportunity to bring in any new wives to our family. I have spoken to my wives and they understand and agree that they will take over Francine's care to make sure she is not a danger to herself nor anyone else. By accepting responsibility for her I remove that responsibility from Cor's shoulders which will allow him to move forward unburdened so that he can contribute to Kipling's future unfettered. What you personally make of it is your own responsibility."

"What if Cor doesn't wish to rid himself of the responsibility of Francine. He loves her."

He shook his head. "Such idealism. Who would have thought it of an Outlander?" He sighed and then very directly and succinctly said, "In this particular case love is insufficient. Cor is incapable of providing the care and constant attention that Francine needs. More importantly he has an obligation to allow Francine to go leave if she wishes to and I assure you she does. However, since you seem so unexpectedly protective of her I will allow you to question her on this yourself. But be warned, I now consider Francine under my strict protection and I will not allow her to be upset."

With that he stood and then left the room and Hazel brought Francine in. I got the creeps as soon as I saw her. She was calm … too calm. I knew right away she'd been drinking those teas of hers again. But what choice did I have? I had to try and reach her, if not for Cor's sake then for her own. Did she truly know what she was doing or was it only a bit of revenge she was after?

"You can't leave him like this Francine," I told her. "I'll leave, go off someplace since you hate me so, but don't leave him. Don't punish him because of me. He's barely clinging to life; this could send him over the edge. If it's begging you want of me, I'll do it. Please ..."

An arrogance that always lurked beneath her dealings with me tinged her voice when she said, "Nothing you can say will change my mind ..." But then in a false voice of forgiveness she added, "I do not hate you Fel, I feel sorry for you."

However, some anger and resentment began to show through her façade as she said, "You could have been a co-wife with me and instead you chose this PATHETIC half-life. Even then I don't truly blame you. You are from the Outlands and know no better. No, it is Cor that I cannot live with, whose choices have cut me too deep. He married me knowing who I was. I married him sure that I could bring him to understand the joy that could be found if he would live the way I wanted. My aunts and the elders said that I could be one of the first to spread our joy to others. It should have worked. It would have worked. But it didn't and the only reason is because there is something inherently wrong with Cor. I do not know what it is but I cannot live with it."

Outraged I said, "Something inherently wrong with Cor?! You are the one that drank those infernal teas even knowing what they could do!"

In true anger she said, "I would not have been forced to put myself and my baby at such risk if Cor had been a better man."

I was as close as the width of a shade to scratching the cat's eyes out right then and there. Francine had always had the ability to set me off and I should have been more prepared for it. But I wasn't; the sheer injustice of it all was like a boulder in my chest.

Topher saved me. He had slipped into the room unnoticed and then just appeared at my side. Sounding far too old for his age he said, "Let her go Mistress Fel. She's made her choice and may she have the joy of it." He spit and then added, "At least the woman who bore me let me draw breath and didn't try and rid herself of me with potions and poisons just to have her way."


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55

"Fel, there was no way around this. We couldn't hold Francine against her will. It doesn't work that way here in Kipling," the Captain told me quietly as we all stood on the porch watching the carriages holding Francine and the rest of the Lathrops drive away. It was unutterably troubling to watch Francine waving a handkerchief merrily from her window as if she merely were going on a holiday and would be back soon.

"But if she isn't in her right mind …" I said quietly.

It was Robbie's father who said, "In order to prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt and remove her freedom to self-determine, it would all have to come out Fel … her family history, her addiction, the baby … all of it."

"Everyone already knows all that at this point."

He shook his head kindly but firmly and said, "No my Dear, people may suspect but they do not know for certain and this is not something people will attack without extreme caution. Many of us witness to the truth are forbidden by our oaths from speaking of it and many others will not out of loyalty and good taste. Others will simply assume but they won't openly accuse for fear of it rebounding onto them. No family is without its eccentrics and some … shall we say … are more eccentric than others. It could start a witch hunt and the truly innocent would be hurt." Seeing that I was still stubbornly clinging to the idea of airing the laundry in public whether it was dirty or not he added, "If it comes to that Fel, Cor might even be blamed for not seeing the signs before now. You could be blamed for taking advantage of Francine's weakness to insert yourself into a position of greater authority. Rob and Winnie's names could get dragged through the mud and his career ruined."

I could give a flying turnip whether someone tried to blame me or not, part of me did feel guilty; but I was less sanguine about the idea of others being made the object of scorn. Doubly upset I asked, "So it all just gets swept under the rug and Cor is left holding the bag? Again? Isn't that what people did to him before with his Da? What kind of justice is that for him? And what of justice for that wee babe that was planted, forever to only be known as Daughter? Is she to bear the debt alone because her Ma was a broken minded soul?"

No one would look me in the eye and I was disgusted. Part of me understood but at the same time part of me had a hard time dealing with the cowardice of it all. I snarled, "Hang your civilized society. It is getting exactly what it deserves. Maybe the Outlands are a good place to die but Kipling seems that it is a hard place to live."

I turned and entered the house knowing what needed to be done. When Topher went to follow me I stopped him at the bottom of the stairs. "Not this time. I'm not sure if Cor will understand but he has the right to know what is going on in his own house."

The boy shrugged his thin shoulders. "Then I'll follow yer half way. The Mister always done me good and never turned me out when he could have. I won't repay him by running just 'cause he be troubled."

I agreed to the compromise and then walked the rest of the way to Cor's room alone after leaving Topher on the upper landing. Lollie was sitting with Cor and came over as I entered. "Is it finished?" she asked quietly.

I nodded. "The first part of it is."

She patted my arm and then sensing my purpose told me, "He already knows. She came and told him, supposedly didn't want him to make a scene and try and stop her."

I shook my head. "And exactly how was he supposed to, him all bandaged up and barely livin' like he is?"

Lollie shrugged. "Miss Francie never was one to make much sense. We accepted her for Cor's sake but truth be told she never fit in here. You've always been much more to our liking."

I was flummoxed but refused to show it. Already people were changing their tune to suit the memories they wished to keep. I'd seen it before as the survivors of the feud that took my family disremembered evil deeds they'd done and battles lost, and praised those that they won as being greater than they were until they came to believe it their own lies. During one of our many lessons Da had called it rewriting history to make it more comfortable to live with. I wasn't sure where it would leave me in their eyes but I had no taste for being put on a pedestal.

I asked Lollie if it was OK that I gave her a break. "Hmmm, don't mind if I do. Ring the bell to beat all if you think he is in trouble and we'll come running."

Quietly I sat in the chair next to the bed. A gruff voice startled me from saying what I had meant to. "She gone?"

"Uh …"

"Lollie … is Lollie gone?"

I cleared my throat and said, "Yes. I'm sure she just stepped out for a moment. Do you want me to fetch her?" I was afraid he didn't want me around and it hurt to think it.

"No," he sighed. He tried to sit up and I jumped to stop him from moving.

"No you don't. You've got a fearsome wound in your side Cor. You move too much and you'll split it open again."

He groaned. "My throat's dry and full of sand."

I spooned a bit of water into his mouth, doing it slowly to keep from choking him. He raised his hand and put it on my arm and I froze. "Has she left?"

This time I knew the "she" he was referring to. "So Lollie was right and she told you."

"Some of it I even remember. You tell me the rest."

His voice was dead. It tore at me but I told him … the whole truth of it. He was a man and deserved to be treated as one and not like a child to be managed. "I tried to stop her Cor. I tried. I just don't know what else I could have done with her family and yours standing against me."

"You did what you could," he said quietly. "Francine … didn't want to stay." I wanted to comfort him but I had no idea how to take the sting away from all the pains he must be feeling. He turned his face away and said in the same dead voice, "I'm going to sleep now."

Each day I sat with him for a while in the afternoon. Sometimes he was awake but mostly he slept, slipping in and out of the fever that seemed to be sucking the life out of him. Eventually everyone began to leave, being called away to other emergencies. Our battle with the raiders had taken the head off the snake but it still thrashed yet, unaware that it was dead.

Even Docia eventually left but not before delivering wonderful news. "I hadn't wanted to tell you and make you feel bad. It seemed cruel."

"Oh Docia, I don't expect you to turn away from your own happiness – yours and Robbie's – just because my life is in the manure heap. If anything your happiness gives me hope that this world will keep turning."

Docia was four months along and happy as a lark. She was the last of my sisters to get caught with child. Hannah and Nel are both expecting. Daphne has already had her child and is working on her next one. Docia says if her Lem's mother crows any louder somebody is going to wring her neck. The others were all in various stages of pregnancy or nursing. With Docia I think it was just a matter of Robbie travelling so much as first and being so careful of her, but they seem to have settled down into a fine couple, one that can play as well as be serious.

Was I jealous? A bit. But I had vowed to put off the fairy stories and simply accept what came my way in life. Pretending did no good.e

Yes, I still love Cor but he is so hurt – in body, mind, and spirit – that I cannot force myself upon him. In a way that would be as wrong as what Francine has done to him and I would never know if he would have chosen that path if he had been given his way.

Besides my days became as full as they ever had. April was turning May and May would soon be June and the harvest would start again. The long winter and wet spring had forced our fields to be planted later and everyone was in a rush to catch up. And because of the raider attacks plenty of families needed help to get it done. The village and farms came together and helped one another. Boys were brought up into men's positions to replace those that had been lost to injury and death.

Because of his experience Topher was called on to help with patrols and spent a good part of every day in the saddle with the Captain and his trusted lieutenants; but he always had time for me though life had taken away the little boy that had been left in him. There was no more tramping through the woods, carefree and light for either one of us because our responsibilities lay like a heavy mantle across our shoulders. I was still the one he came to when he hurt. I was still the one that played mother. But he was turned eleven and it was in the time of life when a boy begins to need a man's company far more than a nurse maid's.

I made a point of bringing reports to Cor every day. He was healing but it was a slow process and I didn't want him to feel left out of all the hustle and bustle going on on the estate. Sometimes he would respond with interest and sometimes he would stare blankly out the window. The blank days usually meant he was in pain or the fever was trying to return or memories held him tight. Once I'd caught him with a scrap of fabric in his hands and I realized it was one of Francine's fancy handkerchiefs. I know he still loved her and at least part of him always would but still it pinched a bit. Didn't he see me standing right there?

Then I realized I was asking too much too soon. He'd lost so much weight that he reminded me of a prisoner long held in some dungeon. I went back to treat him sisterly simply because it made it easier on me and seemed to cause him less trouble. His emotions ran so close to the surface but he reined them so tightly it was painful to look at. I almost wished for the snapping growling man he used to be.

When he was feeling particularly blue and refusing to communicate in much more than a grunt I would drag a chair to the window, put a pillow in it and then tell him he was needing some fresh air. We'd only fought about it once and I'd been the unequivocal winner … so now when I said he needed fresh air he went with apparent willingness though not always with good grace.

A few more weeks passed and the first pods of the garden peas made a dainty addition to the evening meal when Cor started coming to the dinner table once again. He seemed to feel ill at ease so I asked Mrs. Wiley's helpers to take the leaves out of the table to make it smaller so it would feel like we were all sitting so far apart. "Ridiculous to have the thing as long as a banquet table," I muttered. As further excuse I said, "We'll have less to clean by using the short linens on the table as well."

Winnie smiled and nodded. "A good idea. The less ironing the better. With Rachel toddling around I get positively green unless I am able to do it while she naps and even then I rushed so fast the other day I nearly ironed my own hand." She held up a blistered finger to make her point.

We were midway into the meal and Cor was starting to lose steam. He stopped eating all together when the Captain said, "Cor my boy, when do you want to leave for the festival?"

Cor's fork snapped down in his plate and so did his voice when he said, "Uncle Rob, I told you I have no interest in going."

"You didn't attend last year either."

"Last year …" I could tell Cor was angry but I could also see it was draining him.

I broke in and asked, "Why would Cor want to attend this festival? It's not like I've seen anyone go out of their way to come visit him here."

The Captain and Cor both were caught with their mouths open. Winnie chuckled. "Trust you to strike at the heart of the matter Fel." She cocked an eyebrow at the Captain who noisily cleared his throat and pretended not to notice.

Cor sighed and then closed his eyes briefly before answering. "It's expected."

"Oh, well if that's all tell 'em to shove their expectations sideways."

The Captain was in mid-swallow of his evening glass of whiskey and my comment redirected it down the wrong pipe for some reason. Winnie jumped up and ran to his side and started pounding him on the back trilling a delighted laugh. Even Cor tried to hide a small smile.

The Captain finally gasped and harrumphed himself clear. His eyes were still watering when he tried to pierce me with their gaze and said, "If it was that easy I would tell them myself."

"But?" I asked.

I looked at all three but it was Cor who looked the most uncomfortable. However it was him that finally explained. "I never … presented you."

"Excuse me?"

He sighed tiredly and rushed on. "I never presented you to the First Families Council."

"Then what was all that foolishness last summer? Just a different type of waste of time?"

He nodded. "Basically."

Winnie took up the challenge this time. "Cor, this year is different from last and regardless of whether we've all been dancing around it we know it to be the truth. The Lathrops aren't the only family that looks with envy at the Corman estate, especially not now that the true state of affairs is leaking out. We must show a strong and united front. Especially as not all of the debts have been paid."

Cor, weak or not, could still slam his fist down enough to make the tableware jump. "Don't you think I know that?! I …" He went to stand up but it didn't go quite as he planned and he stumbled.

I rushed around to give him a shoulder to balance with and as soon as his feet were back in under him solidly I said, "Enough of this. Will someone explain it simply so I can understand why we should subject ourselves to a bunch of snobs that would seem to be happy, despite what purpose they brought me here for, for us to fail or at the very least look like fools?"


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56

I watched Cor for signs of pain but it only caused him to get angry. "I already had a mother," he snapped. "I don't need another one. Stop fussing."

Then we hit a bump and he cursed nearly as creatively as the old Headman could when something would knock his gouty foot. When Cor finished I asked, "Not even to wash your mouth out for you?"

He threw me a look that would have scorched water but I remained calm and unaffected by his roasting glance. Topher snickered at "the Mister" being stared down but when Cor turned his look on the boy, the boy was smart enough to scramble out the window and sit with the men riding up top on top of the carriage we were traveling in.

I shook my head. "Topher didn't mean any harm. He's just excited about going to the fort for the first time in his life."

Cor crossed his arms and sighed. "You spoil him."

I shook my head. "Not really, I don't have the chance. I don't see him near as much as before he was taken. He grew up so fast."

"Oh for the love of … the boy's just eleven years old," Cor said irritably.

Getting a little testy myself I told him, "And doing a man's work helping with the patrols and such."

Cor snapped, "Because you taught him what to look for."

I snapped back, "Was I supposed to leave him ignorant of how to defend himself? Or let my Da's skills die with me?"

Cor opened his mouth but we hit another hole and we both pitched forward onto the floor. "Are they trying to kill us?!" Cor asked irritated while we tried to untangle from one another. The absurdity finally caught up with me I tried not to laugh. When he noticed he asked, "Enjoy being pitched around like a child's toy do you?!"

I chuffed a laugh as we righted ourselves and regained our seats. "Oh settle down. I know it's uncomfortable but it's just the road's in bad shape. If they didn't insist on treating us like we were important we would be riding horses like sensible people do in these conditions. Instead we're being taken care of like royalty."

Cor reached over and brushed some dirt off the sleeve of the blouse I was wearing, just one of several new ones that Winnie and Mrs. Wiley insisted I have. Cor asked more calmly than he had to date, "What are you smiling at now?"

"Just remembering Winnie's look when I asked her exactly why I needed more clothes than I already have. I wish you could have seen it, she looked like she'd just taken a big swig of vinegar. And I still say it is like trying to teach a pig to use coloring pots to tot me out like this. What on earth am I going to need all these changes for?"

He shook his head. "I should have thought of it myself. Francine always …"

He clamped his mouth shut and looked out the window. I sighed and changed seats to sit beside him. Putting my hand on his forearm I told him carefully, "Cor, you can't keep avoiding her name. You love her. You likely always will. Stop fighting it and just accept it. I'm so sorry you didn't have your happily ever after but you can't go on torturing yourself like this forever."

Carefully he said, "Winnie said you would … would find it insulting if I mentioned her name."

I blinked. "That has to be the first lame-brained thing I have ever heard that woman utter." At his surprised look I told him, "No one has the right to ask you to give up your memories. Your dreams might have to change but that doesn't mean you should forget the good times that created them."

He looked at me sharply. "You don't care if I love Francine?"

I shook my head. "I'd be surprised if you still didn't; you've known and loved her most of your life. Who am I to tell you who you can and can't have feelings for?" After a moment of thought I added, "Besides, I'm sure the subject of Francine is bound to come up – people trying to be kind, people being curious, and some likely being nasty – and we'd best prepare ourselves and have an answer handy."

He relaxed. "You'll do fine, probably better than she did at her presentation. She was nervous and terrified of what people would think of her. You could care less what they think of you and will likely be bored to tears with all of their airs and ways."

I snorted a laugh. "You know how strange that sounds? I still don't understand the whole presentation thing. But if it will get those loobies off our case and show them they'll get more than they bargain for if they come after us or our people I suppose I can put up with the strange starts of this flaming First Families crowd of yours for a few days … but no longer than a week mind you. There's a lot of work I've left behind to show off for this council of yours."

I leaned back and watched the scenery go by and remembered the conversation that night at dinner when I first heard of the festival. It was the Captain who described it best. "There are games and competitions and dances and other entertainment but the most important portion of the entire thing is the meet and greet between the families. Think of yourself like a heifer on the auction block. By selling yourself to the crowd and by showing your own value you are also setting the estate's value. Weak leadership means a weak estate. A weak estate puts blood in the air for the predators to sense. The opposite is also true. Strong leadership assumes a strong estate. A strong estate earns respect. Respect keeps the predators at bay. The festival is where the start of contracts and marriages between families begin, where the young women are shown to their best advantage and the men try and catch their attention."

As soon as I saw it I asked in absolute exasperation, "Are you sitting there telling me this festival of yours is nothing more than a great big pecking order party where all the roosters go to strut and mount the hens?!"

Winnie wound up getting the giggles so bad she had to leave the table and go tend to Rachel. Cor tried not to but he finally smiled reluctantly and the Captain pinched the bridge of his nose. Sighing he finally answered, "I would not put it in quite those terms but yes, for all intents and purposes I suppose that is a true enough description."

A sudden weight against my shoulder drew me from my reverie and I turned to see that Cor had fallen into a dose and slid against me. I suppose I should have pushed him back but I decided to indulge in a momentary fantasy and imagined that things were better between us than they were.

Hearing him mention Francine had startled me. It was like a prick to my heart to know he still had such deep feelings for her; but, at the same time I knew he would not be the man I fell in love with if he could simply fall out of love with Francine so quickly … or at all.

I worried about him. Neither his appetite nor his health had fully come back yet. He tired often and still napped every day, sometimes twice. He bruised so easily that even a small tap could end up looking like a hammer blow. Even now if he overdoes it he'll run a slight fever. The infection that had kept him from healing for so long has depleted all of his reserves and Lollie has warned us that a minor cold could set him back weeks if he isn't careful. I know it irks him to be so weak. What man would it not? I ignore it when I can for his sake but sometimes it is simply a reality that we must deal with and I hate the way it shames him.

I noticed he was drawing his arms up to his chest like he was cold despite the heat of the day. I used my foot to draw the blanket from the other seat but before I had finished draping it across his lap he put his hand on mine. "Thank you," he said in a voice thick with fatigue.

I knew he was awake though the fact that he didn't move made me feel as warm as he was chilled. Quietly Cor said, "They'll … they'll have us in the same room Fel. We'll … we'll have to appear …"

Just as quietly so as not to break the partnership, brief though it might be, I told him, "Let 'em think what they like. If it bothers you …"

A moment of silence and then he said, "It doesn't bother me."

I swallowed, "Then there's naught to worry on."

"You sure?" he persisted.

"I wouldn't lie to you Cor," I assured him.

He sighed and then went fully back to sleep leaving me to think. It was so seldom that anything came close to being what it used to be. I knew this wouldn't last. He'd start remembering and blaming himself and feeling ashamed and we'd be back to square one all over again.

Too many people have good intentions where Cor and I are concerned. If I hear "Just have patience, he'll come around" from one more well-meaning person I'll likely do some damage to something. People want happy endings; it is almost like they need happy endings … especially for those they care about. I'm not so foolish, I know happily ever after happens a lot less than people want to believe. I'm not so sure my fantasies will ever be reality.

My own guilt over the situation has subsided. I've searched and searched my heart and know I never meant Francine any real ill will. She was never my friend but I never truly counted her an enemy. I did what I could to make her life easier without turning into her lap dog. I even compromised my own code of ethics to do it. I cared for her at all stages as much as she would let me, and a little beyond that when necessary. But she still chose her path, though whether or not she is fully accountable for it I'll have to leave to God to determine.

Lord knows she's beyond my help now. Hazel writes to me for some reason. I always write back and try and keep it light but I think perhaps in some way I have made Hazel regret the path she walked. I hope she is not unhappy and if it eases her to vicariously live her life over through me then I see no harm in it so long as she doesn't try to meddle. And she sends news of Francine … news that is not always happy.

Francine has discovered that though she will be a wife to Elder Lathrop, it will be in name only. She cried and cried over that, asking why she was being punished, asking what she had done to deserve such a fate. Hazel says it is as if Francine has forgotten her baby and that she appeared to be forgetting her marriage to Cor completely. I wondered whether to tell him about this, whether it would hurt or relieve some of his guilt, but then the Captain let slip that Elder Lathrop was keeping Cor abreast of things. Some of it a legal necessity but part of me wonders if he needed to share quite so much. But I can't ask him.

Cor and I never talk the way we once did. I miss it. My life is less interesting because of it. Who do I remember the strange scraps of paper with that I found as I dug through the rubble of old Saburbia? The Captain would think I was cracked and Winnie has no time between tending the Captain and tending Rachel. Who does that leave? The animals that come to Tumbler's Spring to drink? The cows in the barn as I sit and milk? I'm not comfortable sharing my past with anyone else. It took a lot to trust it with Cor, I don't think I have anything left that would let me feel the same with anyone else. I'll confess, I feel as lonely as I did before Cor and I discovered we could be friends.

I think I could live with it all if we could just be friends again. I'm not sure that will ever happen. Cor's pain has chewed at him so that I worry that by the time he can put himself back together there will be no place for me amongst the pieces.

I have to be prepared for that but it leaves my life so uncertain. And I grow tired of that. Tired of wondering if I'll be around tomorrow to see any fruit from what I do today. If he would just look at me … see me … without the guilt in his eyes. If I could just feel a little secure, a little hope. Perhaps if I just show these people that I'm good enough … maybe not good but certainly good enough … to have a place, things will get better and we can find something even if it isn't what it was before.


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57

I am sooooo ready to leave this place. There have been moments of fun but for the most part it was like a visit to the witch doctor to have a poisoned tooth yanked and they had to do it twice because the first time they only got half the tooth.

I swear there are some useless people in the world. Da used to tell me of the time before the Dark Days when people could lay around letting machines do things for them, or letting them go undone and they didn't have to worry because eventually someone else would come along and do it for them. It was a time when food came from boxes and was cooked fast in boxes and that there was so much of it you could grow fat and no one would notice because nearly everyone looked like that. Where you could be fat because there were only a few monsters you had to run from; and where if you did run no one worried about winning because no one was allowed to lose. Where the government would pay for your care when you didn't have enough sense to stop smoking the peyote or drinking the shine to feed yourself and care for your children. Where prisoners had playtime nearly all day long and workers had hardly any play time at all because they were working to pay for the prisoners' life of ease. Where stuff was more important than your family and families could be separated and no one seemed to care as everyone was always trying to get away from where they came from.

I can't even imagine living such a purposeless life in such a purposeless time. Where's the challenge in it? Where's the reward? And what would you do with all of that extra time? For that matter how would you learn to appreciate good times if both good times and bad looked the same?

We had ceremonies and feasts where I grew up and I know there's nothing wrong with that. I even admit that a day or two of fun and games would have been nice, but this festival has been going on a week and has another to go and the "fun" is no longer fun but tedious repetition. How many times can you stuff your face with too much food and drink and still expect to be respected by your neighbors when they know your people struggle to put meat on their tables? How often can you brag about some accomplishment or other when everyone knows that it is in reality not you but your people that do all of the work? How many suits of clothes can you wear with pride while the people on your estate struggle to find enough cloth to cover their babies' bottoms?

Those are the families that disgust me. I suppose I must be honest and say there are only a few that are that bad but they seem to have such an outsized presence. And the young unattached males from those families go beyond annoying to be a menace. I flat out refused to go to one function which caused me to get in an argument with the Captain, Winnie, and Cor.

When they asked me why I was being so stubborn about it I finally lost it. "Because I am tired of having to be even more careful of my person than I was back in the place I came from!"

Cor's head jerked around from where he'd been pouring himself a drink and said, "What?!"

"You heard me and don't act so surprised! Just because you could care less what other men think they can get away with me doesn't mean that I appreciate their attentions! I can't stand it!" I was in such a mood I was pacing around the room. "You go off and talk with real men in your closed meetings where you do nothing more than jabber and test each estate's liquor and tobacco while I get stuck trying to avoid that bag full of puppies that passes for the younger ones. My sisters don't have to put up with that nonsense. Why do I?!"

I had let the fact that Cor didn't seem to need my company hurt more than it should have. I had tried to live with it, and I could have if we had stayed at the estate; but, living with it and trying to not beat the heads in of those men that went out of their way to annoy me was faced getting out of my reach.

"Who is bothering you Dear?" Winnie asked. "I'll speak to their mothers."

I rolled my eyes. "And they are supposed to be men when you have to speak to their mothers about keeping their hands out of the cookie jar?!"

The Captain smirked and I told him, "Oh yes, you can laugh. You're not the one forever having to walk through a crowd like you have the palsy just to avoid all the unwanted touching. I leave these blasted get-togethers feeling like I need to scrub with strong lye in the hottest tub of water I can stand!"

The Captain then laughed with a loud "Hah! They don't seem quite so eager since you bloodied Turlington's nose with your elbow."

"Yes well," I said grudgingly. "It is what he gets for literally trying to show me how his male hounds greet one another. Just because his dogs are praised for their strength and speed doesn't mean he has to go around mimicking them. He certainly doesn't have their smarts. The idiot."

Cor had been silent since his first question as I looped passed him in another tromp around the room he grabbed my arm and I realized it was anger that had held his tongue. "Why did you not say something before this? Do you think I am too weak to defend you?"

Struck by what a stupid question that was I told him, "Don't be a looby, even in your state you'd skewer most of those nitwits with one toss of your bowie. Which reminds me I don't see why you get to carry your blade when I have to leave my blade in our room. It's not f…"

I stopped myself just in time and sealed my lips but Cor's temper had evaporated for some reason and his lips started to twitch. "You didn't nearly say the word fair did you?"

I jerked my arm away, stuck out my tongue and turned my back to him and tried to walk away but he pulled me back. "You leave your blade in the room because you would have skinned the … uh … bag full of puppies by now for a new coat. And I am sure there are several mothers grateful that you have not." More seriously he asked, "Fel, why haven't you said something before now? Why let it come to this?"

Frustrated I said, "Because I am trying to fit in to your infernal society. Because it looks like this is the way everyone expects it to be. But now I'm finding I will never fit in and I've lost all patience. Work is piling up on the estate. I have lists and lists of things that need doing. I'm missing the first harvests and going with the children into the forest to pick berries. I'm missing the strawberries!"

I felt like stomping my feet and it must have shown. The Captain and Winnie quietly left the room and I strained away from Cor's hand that was still holding my arm. "Fel, I'm sorry. I didn't know this was such a struggle for you."

He finally released me and I put some space between us. "You know my Da was only able to part way civilize me. I'm all thumbs at these parties. These clothes are uncomfortable. The talk where I am seated is boring. I have no desire to get to know these flibberty gibbets I'm expected to charm and impress. I want to play in the games Cor … throwing, archery, even the wrestling. I want to be free to talk to people that interest me and not just those that seem to have no more than air between their ears. I can't even go in the library and look at the books there because you men have taken it over like a private study."

"You're bored," he said.

Turning to him I nearly yelled, "I'm half crazed with the waste of it all! The time, the coin, the energy, all of it! What is the purpose to it?! I'll never be good enough, I'm tired of being laughed at and treated strange, I'm tired of the snide and nasty comments hidden between lines of talk. I don't want to be here anymore! I want to go home!"

"Home?" he asked quietly.

"Fine, if you want it that way … I want to go to your home. I want to go back to the cabin where even if I have nothing else I have some peace!"

He had followed me across the room and said quietly. "That's not what I mean Fel. Of course the estate is your home now. I'm … I'm just glad you can call it that."

"Then let's go Cor ... let's just leave all this … this … gaaahhh … I don't even know what to call it."

Quietly he asked, "What is it really? Is it having Hazel here?"

"What? No. No, she's nice. Besides she spends all of her time with the older women trading recipes and woes about having too many sons. I've already told you, I don't mind that you still love Francine and I don't mind the reminders of it. Nobody has the right to …"

"Yes, you have said that a few times," he said with a sigh. "I still prefer not to have it thrown in my face as some are doing."

"Tell me who and I'll …"

He snorted and said, "And that's precisely why I ignore it so it doesn't upset you."

"What upsets me is if they are upsetting you otherwise it doesn't bother me in the least." It was a small lie but one I could live with.

"Then if it isn't Hazel is … is it … Luke?"

I rolled my eyes at the absurdity of his question. "And he's got to be the biggest puppy of them all. The only difference is that he has manners and knows I'll break his hands if they wander where they aren't welcome. I think I've thrown him off by putting him on the scent of Lem's cousin. I know she's a little cross eyed but given that he's not exactly an Adonis they should match pretty well."

I'd caught him off guard and he gave a great bellow of laughter and then grabbed his side. "Cor?!"

"No … no I'm fine," he gasped. After regaining his composure he said, "Oh Fel … I'd leave this place tonight if I could but the truth is I do still owe a few debts and I need to make the contracts that I am negotiating; without them it could be another few years before I can finish getting the estate out from under the burdern. The interest will compound and kill us if I'm not careful. As it is the raiders have crashed too many of my plans … and the other things that have happened …" He shook his head; he always talked around the situation, never about it directly. "If it isn't Hazel … or Luke … what is it?"

"I've already told you what it is. And I just hate feeling stupid." I turned my head away so he couldn't see just how much I hated it.

"You aren't stupid."

"Says you. You aren't the one always having to watch what comes out of your mouth for fear you're gonna cause someone to faint … or at least act like they're going to. I swear life here in Kipling is so different from what I grew up with. And these people …"

"Fel listen to me. They're just trying to test you and putting on airs. Ignore them."

I growled, "That's what I'm doing! But I'm getting fed up and if they don't smarten up and leave me alone …" I left it hanging because we both knew I had a short string. "I'll be good Cor … I just can't stand the idea that I'm embarrassing you and the others that are counting on me to make something of this ridiculous muck up."

He shook his head and said, "You don't embarrass me Fel, quite the opposite."

I blinked like an owl in the sunlight. "Huh?"

He smiled and for the first time in a long time the kindness I knew him to possess peeped out at me. "I said you don't embarrass me. If anything you should be embarrassed of me. I'm a mess Fel and barely fit company for anyone much less you … after all you've been through, after all you've put up with …"

I wasn't sure what to do so I poked him. Hard. With my finger right in his chest.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"For being a looby. I'm not ashamed of you. You earned your bumps and bruises trying to save the estate not falling out of a rocking chair where you were lazing away."

I have a feeling if my hair had been in braids he would have tugged one but the mess was all piled on my head since I was supposed to be pretending I was a fine lady of the estate. "And who was it that really saved the estate by killing the snake?" he asked.

I had my own issues I suppose and accepting that was one of them. "So I did but not because that's what I set out to do Cor. And that one act is not what saved the estate but all the acts by all the people, including you, that came before it. I … I lost my mind there for a bit after I saw you fall. It was like losing my family all over again. I've accepted it but it isn't anything I'm proud of and I'd … I'd prefer others not to know of it." In a very quiet voice I added, "Please."

"I won't say anything so long as you promise to believe that I'm not ashamed of what you did … or of you."

I looked at him from beneath my lashes. "That's fair close to blackmail."

With an exaggerated look of innocence he said, "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

I sighed, "It's really important that I come to this flaming dinner?"

Cor gave me another kind look. "I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't. We have to show a united front."

I sighed. "Yeah, yeah. We're the biggest, strongest, baddest little estate in Kipling."

He chuckled, "Exactly. Besides, I've heard there will be news about the raiders shared by one of Uncle Rob's friends that is in charge of the Kipling militia. If you truly wish it, you can come to the library with me after dinner, some of the … the wives … do." He gulped and then continued, "And Docia said there is to be a surprise tonight as well."

"Oh glory … tell me she didn't really say a surprise," I moaned.

"She did. Why?"

"Never mind, you'll see soon enough. Just keep in mind that you said I wasn't an embarrassment to you."


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58

"Hannah, is Docia really serious about wanting to do this?"

My bleary-eyed sister, the mother of unexpected twins, looked at me and asked, "Would I be here if she wasn't? I was up all night with the babies and Nel is going to bounce more than dance though this."

I snickered because it was true; Nel did look rather like a contest-sized pumpkin. "Is that one of Carter's leather shirts or did you borrow someone's tent to dress her in?"

Hannah snickered quietly but said, "You better not let her hear you. She's … uh … a little sensitive at the moment and might decide to scalp you."

Having already been singed a couple of times by the normally quiet young woman I decided the better part of valor was just to let the subject drop … but that meant we were back to discussing what we were all there for. I looked around and asked, "Has anyone tried talking her out of this?"

Nel pierced me with her light blue eyes and I took that for an affirmative. I sighed. Docia had her heart set on this and I didn't want to disappoint her at all but wearing the ceremonial dress and moccasins that she had given me made me feel like I was playing dress up. "Docia, why could I not have just worn my old leathers. They are mine and …"

Docia looked at me sternly and wrinkled her nose. "Because they stink. You work in them all day and there aren't any decorations on any of the parts."

"They don't stink … they're just a little musky is all."

Daphne said, "Musky in the same way a hound is musky after it has had a run in with a skunk. Stop fussing Fel and let me finish your hair. It's even longer and thicker than Hannah's and I want the braids and beads to look just right."

"Ouch! Comb my hair not my ears!"

"Then sit still and stop wiggling!"

I groaned. "Docia …"

"Fel … you are going to be in this circle dance with us if I have to tie you to a pole and plant you in the middle. Wait … maybe that's a good idea. We'll tie ribbons to you and …"

"Don't … you … dare!"

All of my sisters were there and laughed … even poor, uncomfortable Nel. They know I hate ribbons. It's not anything against anyone that does like them but for me they are always catching on things or leaving bits and pieces of themselves for my enemies to track me with.

Docia's brilliant idea was going to be the death of me. Somehow my sisters had turned being an Outlander into an asset. Or maybe it was just the way the families they married into treated them. On the other hand, while I wasn't treated bad for being an Outlander I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. Or maybe it wasn't being an Outlander at all, maybe it was just being me. Either way this blasted circle dance was just going to make people stare even more than they already did.

"Docia, explain again why we are doing this?" I asked.

Docia gave me an exasperated glance before turning back to work on another sister's braids. "I've already explained it Fel. Some of the women from the different estates have shown off their sewing talents, some have shown off their singing or other musical talents. Some paint, some do other artsy crafts. Then there are the things that the families show off … like pottery or jewelry or ironwork. Each of us sisters have done things with the ones we married but it has been so long since we've all been together I wanted us to do something too … as a family. You know it's right, so stop fussing."

I rolled my eyes. "Says you. The whole lot of you are as pretty as spring roses … big bellied and blooming or blushing from being a new mother. I'm gonna look like a stick … or a brick … and I'll wind up embarrassing myself, you, and … and the family I live with."

Strangely enough it was Daphne of all people that put her hand on me in comfort. "Fel there isn't a thing wrong with the way you look. You're just built like a warrior and not soft and rounded like we are. And I can't imagine you looking any other way. It is part of who you are and if people can't accept that then that is their problem not yours. Now turn here and let me color your eyes."

I squawked, "What?! Now I said I would play dress up with you lot but I'm not putting war paint on my face."

Daphne snatched my ear and kept me from leaving the stool I had been sitting on. "It isn't war paint and you know it. You think I want to ruin the effect by painting your face so you can hide in the bushes? Or is that what you really want because you are trying to slip away unseen?"

Nel snickered and said, "What you get for calling me a pumpkin earlier."

"Humph." I have to admit I was having fun for all the fuss and bother of it. What I wasn't looking forward to was going out and getting stared at.

Docia started lining us up as we had practiced for years. "You go in front Fel."

"Why do I have to go in front?!"

Docia stamped her foot. "Because you start us off just like always and that means you either go in front or last and since I can't seem to trust that you'll actually make it to the stage if I let you go last then in front it is and that's that."

I groused, "You weren't so bossy when we were just girls."

She snorted, "But you were so you can imagine who I learned it from. Now stop being such a scaredy-cat and dance for Cor if you can't do it for us."

I found some steel for my spine at her words and knew that if I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself I needed to start acting with a little more grace. I mumbled, "I'll just pretend we are playing by the stream like we used to. No one is around, just us."

Docia smiled and I realized she really was beautiful now that she was taken care of the way she was always supposed to be and not always having to look over her shoulder, worrying which monster was going to try and get her next.

In some clans there are instruments and words that go along with their dances but in our town the women only used their hands and feet to mark the beat they danced by. The music came as the claps and stomps and steps wove together like the ribbons wove together as we circled around the pole that stood in the center. The only other sound was made by the dance leader to call the sudden changes in steps that came faster and faster and faster as the dance reached its finale.

As we walked onto the dais that was being used as a stage people didn't quiet down like they did for other performers and I knew from a few covert looks they were trying to put us in our place. That more than anything gave me the courage to go on. I chirped the first moves and in no time, despite my intent to rub the faces of the crowd into the dust, I had forgotten all about them as my sisters and I relived one of the few pleasures that had been allowed to us.

Round and round then reverse and round. Stomp and clap. Bob and weave. I whistled, chirped, and called. Twist, snap, stomp. Round and reverse. As we moved the ribbons began to weave and unweave. The steps sped up and it was a game to see how fast we could move in time and not cause a knot.

Now we were all smiling and laughing … stomping, clapping, bobbing, round and round, reverse and round again. We'd gone faster as girls but I don't think we'd ever moved as sure footed. Then in one quick flash of feet moving so fast they were nothing but a blur, hands flying this way and that with our partners, the dance came to a crashing end and the ribbon was perfectly woven and tied in bows all along the poles length.

There was utter silence then Carter jumped over the table he'd been sitting on and swooped Hannah up into a huge boyish hug and said, "Gosh all mighty Wife, I sure gotta prize in you!"

Carter's brother wasn't so far behind but he stopped short when Nel said, "You're not dumping me on my head. I'm so heavy I'll snap your back … a kiss'll do just fine thankee."

Soon there was laughing and clapping all around and other husbands came forward to claim their wives. I saw Lem bending and kissing Daphne's hand like she was royalty out of some storybook before placing her hand in the crook of his arm and leading her off. Others were drawing their wives away for a cool drink … we were all hot and sweating from the dance. Robbie claimed Docia and I hugged her and then turned and wove my way to go off stage. I hadn't seen Cor and I was bound and determined that no one was going to see how alone I was.

I was all changed out of the leathers and back into my own clothes when Winnie found me. "Here you are. I had wondered where you had gotten to."

Her voice was over bright which told me she'd noticed that I was the only one to walk off stage alone. I refused to be an object of pity. I told her, "I wanted to take this off and air them out. They belong to Docia. Besides these ornaments clinking and clanking drive me mad; I can barely hear myself think with them on. Give me a moment to finish packing these in her bag. Was there anything you needed?"

"Fel … he meant to be here …"

"Hmmm?" I asked like I hadn't really been listening to the question the first time around.

"Fel … please, let me explain. The divorce papers came in and the council wanted them signed right away."

I stopped dead still. "Of course they would. They couldn't leave the man alone for just one night could they? No, they want to sweep things under the rug as fast as possible regardless of how they do it."

"Don't be mad at him."

I shook my head. "I'm not. I wasn't mad at him to begin with."

"Then who are you mad at? The Council? They are just trying to do their job."

I snorted. "That's your opinion. But no, not the council either. Myself. For being a foolish maid." She put her hand on my arm and I jerked away. "Just leave it be Winnie. It is what it is."

I walked away. I think she would have followed me but some woman or other called her and then hugged her in some boisterous greeting. I made my way to the room I'd been sleeping in. I was in no mood for any more celebrations and just wanted to escape in sleep. I gave serious consideration to drinking a mug of tea to help me sleep but that only brought more thoughts of Francine and why Cor had been there to see me dance. I looked at the open window and the roof beyond and developed a need to sleep out in the open like I used to.

I found the wooden shakes too uncomfortable once I was out there so I knew my idea of sleeping on them was too foolish to try; but I did decide that I was going to sleep there for a while. I leaned against the wall, hidden in a shadow so no one below would see me, and then let my mind wander in the stars above.

Hours later I heard the latch on the door lift and the door pushed open.

"Hush Cor or do you wish to wake the whole building? I'm surprised Fel hasn't already come in search of you." I only heard a loud bit of mumbling and then the bed make a loud squeak. "Wait here. I'll see if she's in the sitting area."

"She's gone I tell you … gone. For good."

I heard the Captain mutter something that sounded suspiciously like, "Idiot boy."

I clambered back in the window and smelled it right away. "How much has he drunk?" I asked making the Captain jump.

"Where … ?" He looked out the window then back at me and said, "You may feel the need to go out there for a bit again."

I shook my head. "No. I'll sit in the chair to make sure he doesn't fall out of the bed."

The Captain and I removed Cor's boots and then as he made to leave he said, "You don't seem surprised."

"Winnie told me."

"Oh." After a moment he tried to say, "Fel, he'll …"

"Stop," I said holding up my hand for emphasis. "No more. No more meddling or excuses or anything else. I'm tired of it all; it's like ashes on my tongue. I'll live with the way things are so stop worrying. But if you want to make it easier for me just … just stop with the fairy stories. I don't need 'em. Don't want 'em. Life is what it is. The sooner we all come to accept it the easier we'll all sleep."

Quietly he said, "Very well." He turned to leave then turned back and add, "You're a good girl Fel … a good Mistress for the estate. If that is all Cor can see you as then he's still a dem sight luckier than he was before."

I latched the door behind him and then moved the chair so I could prop my feet on the bed. I needed some rest, after all tomorrow would be just another day.


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59

"Try to hit the bucket this time will you?" The only response I got was a moan and the wet sound of slop hitting slop. Shaking my head I said, "Next drunk you take, I would stay away from that fancy swill you was drinking. It obviously doesn't set well on your stomach."

"Never *heave* never ever *gag* again *retch* !"

I snorted derisively. "Never say never. You're a man ain't ya?"

More retching then he decided to get right by praying, "Oh God."

Not feeling particularly angelic myself I told him, "I wouldn't plan on Him answering for a bit. For one your breath could knock a grizz out and has probably evaporated your words before they could get where you were sending them. And for two, you deserve a worse head than you've got you lunkhead. I can't believe you thought I'd take off just 'cause you missed a dumb ol' dance."

More groaning and retching met my words but he was still bowing at the bucket like it had become a deity in his life.

I had the window up trying to keep the room aired out but was only half way successful. I griped, "And what on earth did you eat any way? Ewwww!"

"Fel ... I ... I ... sor ... sorrrrr ... *retch*"

I shook my head. "Focus less on sorry and more on aim or you will be cleaning this up yourself," I told him with absolutely no sympathy.

Three days later we left the fort to return to the estate. Cor had developed a mild fever after his hard drunk and got a huge lecture from Robbie's father. Didn't get Cor better any quicker but it apparently made a few other folks feel better. Cor and I only spoke one more time about it.

I was packing my things early so I could have one last full day with my sisters before we left. He came into the room and said, "You haven't had your turn."

"Turn for what?" I asked busier counting my underthings to make sure I had them all than listening to him say sorry again.

"At roasting me."

I sighed and stopped what I was doing. "Cor I'm not interested in wasting my breath. You are a man full grown. If you take it into your head to get a drunk on there is not a blessed thing I can do about it."

Both looking and sounding like a sorry hound that was waiting for a kick he said, "I missed your dance."

"And?"

"You have to be angry."

I shook my head. "I don't have to be anything. I certainly don't have to be angry. To be honest I just don't have it in me to get angry over this anymore. It is what it is. You're hurting enough for both of us and I would be a fool to not understand that. And since I'm not partial to acting or feeling foolish I say just let it go."

Trying to sidle up to me he said, "Winnie said you were disappointed."

Getting aggravated I said, "Cor I know the difference between what is important and what isn't. The dance wasn't. Now I am done talking about this." And to make the point I left the room and didn't see him again until we went to dinner.

The ride in the carriage was a quiet one. Rachel was sleeping and we all wanted her to stay that way. We were all in the same carriage this time because the other was filled with trade goods and things that the estate people had sent to the fort for for their personal pleasure. It slowed us down a bit but that was fine as I had no desire to be bounced around like we had been on the trip out.

Looking out once I saw Topher scrambling about and watched him nearly fall off the top of the wagon carrying the luggage and remaining goods we were bringing back with us. He turned with a triumphant look on his face only caught that it hadn't just been the men watching him but me as well. The Captain chuckled and said, "If that boy moves more than a few inches the rest of the trip I'll be surprised. That is a truly fierce look you just gave him."

I growled, "He better hope I cool down before we get back to the estate or a look isn't all he is going to get." Cor and the Captain both snorted in sympathy with the boy until Winnie shushed them and reminded them who'd be taking care of Rachel if they woke her from her nap.

The trip home was an otherwise uneventful one and once back and unpacked with all of our hellos said and a good night's rest under our belt work returned to normal though the season was cooler and wetter than had been for a few years presaging another unusual winter though those with arthritis refused to say for sure yet whether that was a good thing or bad. The unusual weather also exacerbated the reported illnesses among the remaining bands of raiders. They carried the illness into the territories surrounding Kipling that had harbored and then allied with them and because of this the threat of attack greatly diminished as the days went by and would likely disappear as those that managed to survive would be rushing back to where they came from before winter set in.

We replaced the few trees in the orchard that had been lost. All of the fire damage was finally repaired on the estate wall and in the village and work groups went from estate farms to outlying farms to help them as well. June changed to July and the harvests proceeded as they were supposed to. In fact, everything was proceeding as it should except it all felt so empty.

I tried. I truly did. I went through the motions. Cor and I spoke to one another but something was missing that had once been there and I didn't know how to recapture it. Worse, as bad as I felt I wasn't sure if I wanted to try to. I wasn't sure I could open that part of myself again and still play the role life had apparently given me.

One afternoon I took a hike to Tumbler's Spring by myself; I just needed some time alone. But I wasn't to get it. I had put a fishing line in the water and was just beginning to relax when Cor showed up. "A moment of your time Mistress Fel?"

I grimaced. "Ok, just drop the title ... it sounds silly when you say it."

"Why?" he wanted to know.

I shrugged. "I don't know, it just does."

We sat together quietly for a few minutes but I no longer felt relaxed. Finally Cor said, "Luke came by this morning."

I rolled my eyes but kept them on the line I had in the water. "What did he want?"

"He is putting together a run to the northeast. I'm thinking of going."

I was definitely no longer relaxed. "What?!"

He sighed, "I take it you aren't in favor."

I jerked my line from the water and snapped, "No I am not in favor. You are just now getting your full strength back but you still have a fever every now and again."

He sighed. "I have to go at some point."

"I know that. But go after you actually have a decent chance of coming back!

"What if I told you I needed to go?"

Frustrated I answered, "I'd still want to know the reason."

He sat with his back against a tree but he looked no more relaxed or comfortable than I. "Nothing has been the same since Francine left. It has only gotten worse since the night I signed the papers. Perhaps if I go, some distance will grow and I'll be able to manage the results."

Suddenly I was furious. "Curse her anyway for doing something and leaving us to try and fix the mess! Again! Look what she has left us with this time!"

Trying to calm me Cor said, "It is not Francine's fault. She's ill. There just wasn't enough love to fix it and then it died."

Desperately I told him, "Then fall in love again."

He shook his head, "I do not wish to fall in love again."

I knew it but to hear him say it made me hurt for both of us but I was determined to not let him give up on his future and hurt himself. "All right then don't fall in love again. Find some new way to move forward. Adopt a son from one of the female lines of the Cormans. It seems you were related to have those silly boys at the festival. Find a young one then raise one of them to inherit. Don't go haring off like this! The people need you."

He shook his head not even pretending that he didn't know what I was talking about. "They don't need me. You are the one that they go to; I don't even know half the things that you do."

"And I knew none when I started. You learn as you go and you learn from who you work with. They'll be more than happy to teach you!"

"It is too late," he said quietly.

"It is never too late! You have to try. If you try and fail then that is still better than never trying at all. Francine stole your heart; do not let her steal your self-respect or your people's future!"

Then I saw it. A spark of anger … possibly of pride … in his eyes that hadn't been there in a long while and I had hopes that I was reaching him. But I never got to find out whether I was or wasn't because Jonah chose that moment to enter the clearing and say, "Hate ter interrupt but the Captain says 'tis important. There's riders at the house and Mistress Fel is needed right away."

Irritated at the interruption I asked, "Who are they?"

"Don't know Gilly. Cap'n didn't say; all he'd comment was that it was important and that you were ter come right away."

I looked back at Cor but I could see the moment for talk had passed. Gathering up my things I left without saying a word and jogged down the path trying to think what could be so important that the Captain would actually send for me.

By the time I got to the back of the house I was running full tilt and barely saw a little girl that was doing the same thing. I skidded to a stop in time but she couldn't and she bounced off of me pretty hard and straight into the gravel that fills the drip line around the house. The poor mite got scared and started to cry. I was worried she'd really hurt herself but when I checked her over she'd only scraped a knee. She was pretty young so I simply picked her up to take her to Mrs. Wiley to ask who she belonged to, she wasn't a child I recognized.

I turned the corner to the front of the house only to be confronted by a man calling sternly, "Felicia McConnell what are you into now?"

Hearing my name like that – very few people living know that my proper name is Felicia – I looked up to see a face that left me gasping for air. The little girl slid from my arms and ran to the man and I was caught between fear and confusion as he hoisted her up on his hip and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

All I could do was gasp, "Da?!"


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60

The man I was staring at in horror put the little girl down and told her to go get her brother. All I could do was just stand there and force myself to remember how to breathe. A boy who would have been about Georgie's age came jogging up and I started seeing spots. Georgie had had the exact same shaped ears and the same snub nose.

I did not like the buzzing that had begun in my head and I stepped back. "No. You ... you can't be. I buried you. You and Ma and Georgie and Gran. I buried you. I ..."

I took yet another step backwards and jumped when I ran into something that shouldn't have been there. Turning I see what it was I found a man a bit older than the first that somehow looks even more like Da than the other apparition did. Not only is my head buzzing but now I'm seeing spots in front of my eyes and I can feel myself sliding to the ground. I would have gone all the way but the older man tries to grab me bringing out my survival instincts. I evade his hold but rather than be upset as I expected, my move elicits a strange response.

The second man looks at the first and says, "By God, she got out of that the same way Dred would have ... the exact move."

I froze. My Da's proper name was Dredward the same way mine was Felicia only most knew him by Dred. Snarling, falling back to my harshest Outlander feelings of self-preservation, I demand, "What do you know of my Da?!"

The Captain came forward and gently said, "Easy Fel. Do you remember long ago when I questioned you about where your father came from?"

Thinking back but only having a vague recollection of it I said, "I suppose."

He took a step closer and then got between me and the men. "Well, I've had occasion to deal with the territory of Dover on occasion over the years – it lies a bit northeast from here – and found it extremely strange that you would know of the place. They aren't what you would call friendly to strangers.

The older of the two men smiled and said, "Now now Rob, you're being a bit harsh don't ya think? We haven't skinned a stranger in years."

The young boy said, "Oh Uncle George, don't say that, you're gonna scare her."

His father said, "She doesn't look scared to me. A little too familiar with that Green River she's fingering the hilt of if you want to know the truth."

When I continued to just stare at the two of them the older man asked, "Aren't you the least bit interested in finding out who we are?"

I snorted, "I figure you'll eventually get around to telling me. Men are like that."

A young woman I hadn't seen stepped from behind some horses and started laughing. "Wow, you are just like Aunt Felicia, look like her too. Mother tells us stories of when they were all younger together and I I bet she was just like you. Mother said she was the terror of all the boys in the village."

It took a bit of time for me to calm down but when Winnie came out and put her arm around me and said, "These are your family Dear … your father's people" all I could do was stare.

The older of the two men was George McConnell, the eldest brother. There was an older sister and she was the one named Aunt Felicia. Then there was another sister named Sarah who was married and traveling with her husband while they surveyed some land far to the north. Then came my Da in line. The youngest was the man that had first startled me and his name was Winston … though he said, "I freely give you leave to call me Uncle Win as the only person that called me Winston was my mother and only when she was less than pleased about something."

George said, "Which was most of the time." A bellowing laugh followed that pronouncement though "Uncle Win" didn't seem to mind and in fact seemed to relish the idea.

The young woman was George's daughter and her name was June. She is the one that explained, "Everyone gets named after someone. There are a lot of Felicia's in the family as you've no doubt realized. I'm named after mother's side of the family. She said there was no way she was going to add yet another Felicia to the village roster."

Still stunned by the idea that I had a family … a blood one … I said quietly as we sat on the porch eating snacks that Mrs. Wiley supplied, "I had a little brother. We called him Georgie."

The older man looked choked up at the idea. "Dred and I … we … we didn't part on the best of terms. I sided with father, tried to force him into working the surveyor teams when all he really wanted to do was make blades and the like. Can't believe he'd … he'd name a son …"

I told the older man what my Da had told me. "Da said there once was a little boy who got stuck in a tree. His brother went up the tree but when he got there all he did was tell him how to climb down by himself. He cried for his brother to take him down but the older brother refused and insisted that the young boy do it himself. He said 'Fel, I was that little boy and my brother George is the one that taught me how to climb down that tree. When I asked him why he said because he might not be around next time and he didn't want to see me get hurt. He didn't just teach me to climb down a tree that day, he set my feet on a different path, one of not having to rely on others to get me out of scrapes I would get into.'" I smiled at the memory for a moment then finished by telling him, "He went on to tell me that's one of the reasons he taught me all the things he did, that he didn't want me to rely on folks that might not always be there."

Uncle George's eyes were suspiciously bright and he lost his voice for a bit. June asked me, "What else did your father tell you?"

"Oh this and that." I repeated a few of the stories that I'd grown up hearing and my relatives would add bits and pieces that I'd never known about.

After one such story I told them "He'd tell me tales but sometimes the stories made him sad. He didn't regret finding his own life but he regretted having to leave his family behind to do it."

Uncle Win nodded and said, "Dred always had a mind of his own." He sighed. "Rob told us … how Dred died. Do you think you are up to telling us yourself?"

So I did and somehow, while it hurt as it always did, this time it was like Da was there with me and giving me the strength to share what had to be told."

Cor had followed me back from the spring but he stayed to the side of the crowd of people on the porch, letting me handle how much I wanted to get to know my family although he insisted on telling how I'd fought in the battle … even saying he was proud of all that I had accomplished then and on the estate when he wasn't around. It surprised me when he said it and something began ticking that I had thought had stopped for the last time. He was also honest about how I'd been treated unfairly and that he was sorry for the misunderstanding that had put me in the position I was in.

Towards the evening Uncle George said, "Well, if there was any doubt in the beginning there's now none. You're definitely a McConnell, the daughter of my brother we thought lost to us forever. And even though he no longer walks this earth, you're still here and I want you to know as I'm sure the rest of the family does, that you have a place with us and a free to come live with us should that be your choice."

I was stunned. I'd never given serious thought to finding my father's family. To me they were simply a legend, ground in truth but forever out of my reach. And then when I least expect it they show up … and then not only that do they accept me, they tell me I have a place with them. It was a lot to take in. It was overwhelming. I wasn't sure what to say … and then suddenly, as if my Da was whispering in my ear, I did.

With as much dignity as I could muster I told them all, "I would like to visit one day but for now what I want isn't as important as what I've committed to here. You tell me my father was always one to do things his way and if nothing else I have always been my father's daughter." To no one and everyone I said, "My place is here. I won't abandon Corman." In my mind I thought, let them make of that what they will.

While many people seemed disappointed and a couple seemed stunned my Uncle George smiled and said, "I'll hold you to that visit now … an one or more of us may just be back around before you know it to bring our sister who is not going to be willing to believe it until she sees for herself the face of her namesake. As a matter of fact, though we'll need to be back on the road tomorrow to meet up with the convoy we are traveling with, I'd like June to sketch you out so we can take your likeness with us."

My family and I talked late into the night and then while I'd only just found out about their existence it was a wrench to watch them leave the next day.

Winnie asked me as they rode away, "Are you sure Fel? It isn't too late."

I shook my head. "No. My Da told plenty of stories of his family and he did love and miss them but the reason he left is because they were forever trying to order his life for him. He wasn't a person to take to that. To be himself he had to leave and roam far away from their influence. And while I know I like these people who are my Da's family, they were already telling me what I'd do if I came to live with them, how my life would be ordered and how I would fit in." I shook my head again. "I reckon I've got enough meddlesome people around here. I don't need to go find more that are even worse."

She's hugged my neck and seemed to understand what I wasn't saying. Mrs. Wiley and Jonah beamed and I had to peel Topher off of me so that he wouldn't be late for his chores. "Yers not leaving me!" he said happily.

"Of course not," I replied. "I've still got enough to teach you that should keep you busy for quite a while yet. And when I do go to visit, assuming you want to, you can come with me and we'll both see a bit more of the world."

That seemed to satisfy him and he left with a kick in his heels that cause the mule he was riding to give me a disgruntled look as if to say, "Did you need to wind him up quite this much?"

The rest of the day people kept coming by like they couldn't believe I was still around. They kept getting underfoot but for some reason I didn't mind. It was nice to know that people were happy I'd chosen to stay. But after the late hour the night before and the excitement of trying to get on with my life during the day, I was ready to go see my pillow as soon as dinner was done. As tired as I was though there was still much to do before I could seek my rest.

I washed a basin of underthings and hung them to dry by in the corner of the room. I washed my hair because it had gotten full of prickles when I'd had to dig a nest of kittens out of a clump of bushes to save them from a snake that had gone in after them. Then a few more things here and there and before I knew it, the hour was much later than I had meant to be up and about.

I had drawn down my covers and had just put my foot on my bed stool when there was a knock at the cabin door. Thinking that the only thing that would bring someone to my door at such a late hour was an emergency I ran over and opened the door without looking first.

It was Cor and he was standing there looking like a lost pup. I didn't know what to say and just stood there in shock looking at him. Finally he mumbled, "I ... I can't sleep."

Blinking in surprise I told him, "I wouldn't be able to sleep standing out in the damp and chill either."

He continued to just stand there looking lost, neither going nor coming. Finally I took his hand and drew him in. He continued to seem like he was only half in this world so I led him to the rocker by the fire where he finally sat. I sat in the chair and stared at the fire with him. Finally I'm beyond wondering and turn to ask him what he's doing here only he is asleep.

All I can do is cover him with the bear skin so he won't catch a fever and go climb into my own bed. In no time I was asleep as well but right before dawn I waken to the feel of him laying the bear skin back over me and then creeping from the cabin quietly.

I wasn't sure what to make of his night time visit. I would have asked but I didn't see him at all that day. I thought perhaps he was avoiding me until Jonah mentioned that he'd gone to inspect the roof on one of the grain silos at the rice production facility. He didn't even make it back for dinner so I decided to let it go. He'd seemed half asleep and I thought perhaps he was now ashamed of what he'd done.

But I was no sooner ready for bed than there was a familiar knock at the cabin door. This time I opened it with more caution but that only seemed to make him stand there even longer and say even less. Again I took his hand and he came willingly enough and sat in the rocker. As soon as he was there he seemed to ease and then go to sleep. All I could do was shake my head at his strange behavior.

This continued for a week and I began to suspect that Cor was simply trying to replicate the normalcy we'd once managed to create. I decided if it brought him comfort and made him feel closer to Francine somehow then who was I to stop him. He did seem like he was more relaxed as the days passed, even Winnie remarked upon it, wondering what he was doing that was different. I certainly wasn't about to enlighten her.

At the end of the week I expected him to go back to sleeping at his house but I have to admit it was nice to be reminded of the old days when we were more at ease in each other's company. I refused to hope for much more than that. Perhaps it is helping him to come to terms with Francine's loss.

But I got the biggest shock of my life when I was listlessly getting ready for bed on the eighth night when there was the familiar knock on the door. I was so surprised I almost didn't answer it. But then I heard the scratch of his boots on the grit just outside the door and I ran over and threw it open.

This time he came in on his own but wandered around a bit before settling into the rocker. I sat in the chair beside him but time stretched and he didn't go to sleep. Finally I found the courage to ask him, "Cor, why?"

Quietly he asked, "Does it bother you that I prefer it here?"

Honestly I tell him, "No. But you can't be resting well sitting up in that rocker. "

He just looks at me so I shrug and go to bed as always but then he gets up from the rocker, banks the fire and comes to stand by the edge of the bed. I move over and he silently climbs in and it was like it was before. He lies there stiffly for a moment and then slides into sleep but he always slips away before dawn.

I'm not sure what to make of it. Every night he comes. In fact tonight he didn't even make a pretense of roaming around the room. I twisted my foot when the stool I'd been balancing on to reach a new braid of onions had tipped from in under me. Tonight he came earlier than he normally did and silently insisted on soaking my food and then wrapping it in a long cloth. Then he carried me to the bed without me asking and climbed in beside me. He was hardly stiff at all and then with a great sigh was asleep.

I wonder. Does he do this for me or for himself or is it something else entirely? If I could be sure he wouldn't suddenly change again I think I could relax as easily as he has begun to. We still don't talk much about anything except estate matters but he's begun to ask me what I think of some plans he has for the future. Tonight he did the strangest thing of all. After we had settled in the bed he reached over and pulled my braid above the covers. I have no idea why. It was such a strange and simple thing but I don't want to read more into it than what is there.


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61

"Fel! Fel! Can you hear me?! Don't move, stay where you are! I'm coming to get you!"

It had been raining for three days straight. Not a little bit of rain either but the kind that brings to mind stories of Noah and his boat. The gardens were drowning, streams and rivers were flooding, roofs were leaking. The animals were miserable and so were the people. It wasn't the kind of rain the kids could go out and play in or that men could go out and work in and expect to get anything accomplished. For two days everyone was shut up in their living quarters trying to wait it out except for when they were feeding and otherwise tending to animals.

On the third day it got worse. A nasty bit of wind was added to the rain and people were forced out into the storm whether they wanted to go or not. Shingles had to be nailed back down. Items that were getting blown around had to be brought in or secured in some way. Chimneys had to be capped to keep the rain from coming down and into the house in rivulets. It was a right huge mess.

The first two nights of the rain Cor came to the cabin as usual. He was soaking wet but the look on his face that first night dared me to say a word so all I did was help him to hang his clothes in front of the fire then tried not to tell him off when he shivered half the night with a fever. The next night he came prepared wearing a poncho and with dry clothes in an oilcloth bag. But the day the wind arrived he was called away in an emergency near dinner time when a barn used to house some estate equipment collapsed on one side and I knew I wouldn't be seeing him that evening. I stayed awake half the night wondering if the looby had taken a rain slicker. Being unable to sleep was the likely the only thing that saved me.

In the middle of the night the rain stopped but the wind increased dramatically. The whistling of it through the trees finally drew enough of my attention that I grew concerned. I got out of bed with the intention of going to the door to check to see just how bad it was and if I needed to move to the cellar when there was a mighty crack and my world went dark.

It was still dark, both figuratively and literally, when I heard him calling.

"Fel! Fel! Can you hear me?! Don't move, stay where you are! I'm coming to get you!"

"I … I think … I think I'm stuck!"

There was a moment of silence then an urgent, "Fel?! Are you hurt?!"

From beneath what I found out was part of the cabin roof I told him, "I … don't think so. But … but I *cough, cough* smell smoke. *cough*"

I heard a fury of snapping and breaking and then Jonah's voice, "Is she still in there?

"She said she smelled smoke!" Then I heard some more noise and then Cor called, "Boy, stay out of the wa … what are you doing?! Get out of there!"

I must have blacked out for a moment because the next thing I remember was Topher saying, "The fire was starting to smolder Mister Cor. Some clothes got knocked into it. I can just barely see her, it's as dark as the belly of a black cat in there. She's under rafters over near the bed."

"Not on the bed?" Cor asked urgently.

"Naw sir. Beside it, but on the floor."

I didn't hear anything after that for a while until I could hear Lollie ordering someone about with directions how to put me on a door and carry me to the house and to, for the love of God, not be so ham-fisted as to bump me around.

"I don't need to be carried. I can walk." I had meant for my voice to come out stronger than that but drawing a breath hurt more than it should have.

Cor snapped at someone about being careful and then leaned over me and said forcefully, "You'll let yourself be carried and not make a fuss about it Mistress Fel. We've been half the night and the rest of the morning reaching you and you'll give us the satisfaction of treating you as we see fit before we lose what bit of sanity we have left."

I was wondering what he was overreacting for but then bobbled off into the dark again to the sound of Cor's creative descriptions of what would happen to anyone that jostled the door again.

I finally came all the way awake when I felt my night clothes being taken from me. Lollie and Winnie held me still and Winnie said, "Easy Dear, we're just getting you out of these wet things so Lollie can check your ribs. Now don't fuss and let us do this quickly. Cor is on the other side of the screen and about ready to chew the paneling off the walls."

Groggily I asked, "What's all the fuss about?"

Cor must have been listening because he snapped, "Fuss? Fuss?! The flaming cabin fell on you that's what the fuss is all about! If you had been on the bed rather than beside it …" He sputtered to a stop, gobbling like a turkey.

I made a face then remembered he couldn't see it. I sighed. "The wind started making some odd noise so I got up to … to …" Then what he said struck me and I yelped, "What do you mean the cabin fell on me?! What happened to the cabin?! Stop Lollie I need to get up … I need …"

That was too much for Cor's equanimity. The screen was moved with a crash and before I knew it I was being wrapped up in a quilt and carried out of the parlor where I had been lying and up the stairs. As he pounded up the stairs in a royal snit he said, "You're not going anywhere, not a dem place," he growled. "You …" He stopped to clear his throat and I suspect that is when he realized he'd just seen me naked because he stumbled on the last stair before the landing; but then he shook himself and continued on.

"Jonah must have lost the last few hairs the top of his head could still lay claim to. Topher was driving us all mad with his frantic scrambling in and out of the rubble. We had most of the village tromping all over the yard and threatening to help if we didn't hurry up and get you out in one piece."

He'd been progressively holding me tighter and tighter until I finally had to tell him, "Let me go or finish squeezing me to death will you … this in-between stage is starting to get downright uncomfortable."

"Huh?"

Lollie and Winnie who had followed him up said, "You're holding her too tight, let the girl breath for heaven's sake."

"Oh! Wait … did I hurt you? Here let me loo … uh …"

I patted his shoulder and told him. "I'll take it from here. You'd better go tell everyone I'm fine before they start tromping through the house and giving Mrs. Wiley palpitations. And then come back and tell me what's wrong with the cabin and what I'll need to do to fix it," I ordered.

He opened his mouth to say something but I caught Winnie shake her head. "What?" I asked.

"We'll talk about it later Dear."

"Oh no we won't. We'll talk about it right now. I … OUCH!"

I would have continued but Lollie had decided the best way to deal with me was to start poking and prodding and discovering every bruise I had on my body. By the time she was finished I was exhausted but still determined to find out what was going on. They had left thinking I was too weak to get out of bed but they were wrong. I was trying to rig some clothes for myself when Cor knocked quietly then entered with a bundle under his arms.

"They don't know you very well do they?" he asked.

I wrapped the blanket around myself tighter and said, "Apparently not."

He shook his head and said, "I brought your clothes. Uh … I'll step out or … if … uh … I can just turn my back."

I sighed. "Turn you back … and no peeking. If you go out they'll just wonder what I'm up to. And remember I said no peeking."

He slowly turned his back and I heard him mutter where I wasn't supposed to hear him, "Stop saying it and I wouldn't be tempted to."

His words should have caught my attention but they didn't because the only clothes he had brought me was another night gown and a wad of my underthings. "Hey!"

"I know Fel, I know," he said. "But Lollie says your ribs are bruised. And to be honest it isn't worth you going down there right now. It is starting to rain again and … and it is a mess. We're getting out what we can but we have to be careful not to bring the walls down."

That brought me up short and as I finished dressing and tapped him on the shoulder I asked quietly, "Just how bad is it?"

Turning slowly he said, "Bad. It's … it's repairable but it is going to take some time. A tree washed out near your creek and when the wind got into the top that was already heavier than usual from all the rain, it just toppled." He got upset and finally choked out, "One of the main ceiling beams came down right on the bed. If you'd been in it …"

I saw he was really upset and told him bracingly, "Well I wasn't."

"Almost," he said.

"Almost only counts in horseshoes and …"

He finished, "… and fire pots. Yeah. But you could have been …"

"But I wasn't."

"But you could have been."

I shook my head, "But I wasn't so just stop worrying it to pieces. And neither were you so unless you want me to make a fuss about that just let it go." I turned away to look out the window of the bedroom I was in and saw that it was raining just as he'd said. I leaned my head on the glass pane and asked myself more than him, "Now what am I going to do?"


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

"Do?" Cor asks. "You'll hop in that bed and let Mrs. Wiley and the others spoil you for a bit so they can feel like they've taken part in your rescue."

Raising one eyebrow at him despite it causing a small scratch on my forehead to sing out I asked him, "Rescue? Really?"

"Really," he said trying to make it sound like something wonderful.

I sighed. "Just how bad is bad Cor? The cabin …"

He walked forward then clumsily reached and tugged me into a hug. I don't know who was more startled, me or him for me letting him. "Uh … er … It … um …"

He sounded so much like he had when I'd first come to the estate that I relaxed and smiled. Pushing back so I could see his face I told him, "You still say uh, um, and er more than any man I've ever met."

He started guiding me towards a bed that was fancier than any I had ever slept in. It had a real canopy and mosquito bar and bed curtains. In fact, I was beginning to notice the whole room was a lot fancier than I was comfortable with but Cor wasn't giving me any choice because when I slowed down he simply picked me up and carried me the rest of the way and then placed me on the bed. "Humor everyone Fel. It won't cause your reputation irreparable harm to allow us to spoil you just this once. And tomorrow, rain or shine, I promise we'll go look at the cabin together. Just give Jonah and I a chance to look things over properly so we can answer all of your questions."

I was beginning to wonder if I even wanted those questions answered if it was as bad as he was obviously trying not to say so I nodded my acceptance. And apparently just in time too. There was a no-nonsense knock on the door and Mrs. Wiley marched in with a mug and a tray and after setting it down on the bedside table she said, "I expect both ter be clean before I get back. And mind yers, not a crumb left. Peoples are wanting ter know how yer be but I told 'em they're to wait til after yers have had a nip and a tuck in as yers hadn't had a bite since suppertime. But they won't wait much longer."

Cor gave a small smile and whispered, "Told you." Then he left the room hurriedly followed by Mrs. Wiley. That was the last bit of alone time I had for hours.

And hours.

Finally after a supper tray, that several of the village ladies stayed to oversee that I ate it all properly, was taken away I managed to escape any more visitors when Lollie declared that I needed to rest and that she was sure I'd be up for more visitors the next day. She told them if I rested properly I might even come down stairs for a bit.

I had reached my tolerance level for all the fuss and bother long ago but was too tired, sore, and … and appreciative … to complain more than mildly that none of it was necessary; that it certainly wasn't necessary for them to come out in the rain and take time away from their own needful things.

No one listened. Most of the time that is how my life went anyway so I wasn't sure why I should have been surprised. But the quiet that was left in their wake was a wonderful thing and I soaked it in. The Captain and Winnie coming to tell me goodnight was the only interruption and it was minor as they were both tired. The excitement of having such a ruckus going on had set Rachel off and then on top of it all the women insisted on holding her to "give Miss Winnie a break" which of course only added to her acting spoiled rotten which everyone but Winnie thought was just as cute as cute could be.

The problem was I had rested about all I could all day long and now though I was worn out sleep was elusive. I also wondered where Cor was. Topher had brought me things throughout the day saying, "Mister Cor said to be sure you got this." Or "Mister Cor was just sending me to check to make sure you didn't need anything."

Of course that caused a bunch of twitters and knowing glances from my visitors and I could have just sunk into the floor boards. They were rewriting history again and it was awfully uncomfortable to be handed a script one line at a time and not knowing the direction the play was going to take. I kept wondering if I had been given the part of the fool but no one had the heart to tell me.

I got up and wandered quietly about the room noticing things to keep my mind off the fact that I had gotten used to Cor being around at night. There was a glass cabinet with books on recipes, herbs, poetry, and a few other titles. I opened the case and took out a pretty little book without a title or author on the cover that had made me curious but then I slammed it shut and put it back quickly with a blush and a gasp after seeing a few pictures that finally explained the cover page which had read "managing the many moods of your husband."

With that rather discombobulating bit of surprise roaming around in my head I quickly went looking elsewhere for distraction. There were three doors off the room. Behind the first door was a rather ornate indoor outhouse with a large tub bolted to the floor in addition to a smoothly carved sitter – no splinters in the bottom for the one that used this room – and a real mirror that hung above an ornate porcelain wash stand. A towel rack hung conveniently on the wall and then there was a whole little cedar closet that held drying clothes that looked like they hadn't been aired out in quite some time.

Back in the room I walked passed a poofy little high stool that was tucked under a small table that held old coloring pots full of dried powders and a few ornate perfume bottles. The top of the table obviously lifted open but after the incident with the book I was less easy in getting that much of my curiosity satisfied.

An open shelf held some delicate figurines and other useless objects several of which looked like they might have come from before the Dark Days. I shrugged and then opened the second door. This one led into a small room that was too dark to see in but when I felt around I realized it was the empty version of what Francine had called her clothes closet. There were racks and drawers in there meant to hold clothes, shoes, hats and underthings and after walking out I realized that was why I hadn't seen a wardrobe or chest in the bedroom proper.

I shut that door and then debated whether to open the third door but decided against it. All I was doing was delaying the inevitable. There was no way Cor was going to come be with me tonight. He would come to the cabin – there was enough distance between it and his memories of Francine – but he wouldn't do it here where her ghost still lingered. If I felt like she was looking over my shoulder and the woman was hardly dead, it would be next to impossible to expect him to not notice it. I'd just received a letter from Hazel telling me how Francine had started to revert to again believing that her time with Cor was just a half-remembered dream. She was still making Elder Lathrop's life uncomfortable though as she kept trying to take her turn at her "wifely duties" never quite understanding why he kept saying maybe next time. But that wasn't a problem I would touch with a ten-foot tent pole; it was hard enough having Hazel give me the details that my imagination then took to the next level; no way was I going to involve myself further. Shudder.

I sighed and then bent to bank the fire in preparation of trying to sleep figuring maybe if I pretended hard enough eventually I really would. The house was dead silent and depressed me even more. At the cabin I could hear the outside world through the eaves and shudders, in this room I felt shut in and muffled from everything; uncomfortable in surroundings I didn't think I belonged in.

I had just taken off a slipper when there was a quiet knock on the door. I turned and walked over and just before I reached it the door knob turned on its own and the door slowly opened to reveal Cor standing there with "his" rocking chair.


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63

I just stood there staring until he asked, "Would it be all right if I came in?"

I peeled the cobwebs off of my brain and then by way of answering stood back so he could enter. He turned and then with a look at me, shut the door and after another quick glance my way, threw the latch.

My toes curled under my gown and I hadn't the foggiest idea what to say. He slowly put the rocker in front of the fire and then like he wasn't sure whether I would accept or decline he picked up a chair that had been against the wall and brought it forward and sat it beside the rocker. He looked around but then scrunched his eyebrows and said, "We'll need to find a little table to … uh … I … er … well … I mean if … hmmm …"

His hesitancy finally broke my silence and I gave a small grin and shook my head. The was Cor, I knew the man, warts and all, and he was worried that I was going to pitch a fuss over a thing as simple as a table and he'd still risk the kick just to please me even if it embarrassed him. "It's all right. We don't have to have a table."

He seemed to relax a little bit but then instead of sitting in the rocker as he normally would have he went around the room touching things. Stopping at the little table that held the pots and bottles he said, "E sHe sH

This is ... I mean was ... my mother's room."

Startled I said, "Someone should have said. You should have said. I'll move. I really don't mind being up in the …"

"No. I ... I just ..." He stopped at a loss for words. Then he started up with another strange statement. "The room through that connecting door," he said pointing to the third door that I hadn't opened. "It was my father's study. He ... uh ... slept in there most of the time. I ... I was ... thinking ..."

He fell silent again and I finally asked him, "What were you thinking?"

He was silent another moment and I could see he was channeling his emotions or mustering his courage. "Fel, if I move in that room, will you stay here ... in the house ... with me?"

I opened my mouth even though I didn't have the least idea what I was going to say. But I didn't have to come up with anything because Cor kept talking. "Please Fel, hear me out. I ... I know you don't have a lot of reason to listen to me by now, probably lost a lot of trust in me if you have any left at all. I'm just asking for a chance."

I just looked at him but he kept waiting for me to say something. Finally I sighed and told him, "I'm not stopping you. If you want to talk then talk."

He swallowed. Blew out a breath then began. "Back … back when … when the baby … died … I never should have said what I did. I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did and I said it in the heat of the moment out of shock and hurt. I said it to you when I should have been saying it to Francine if I said it at all. I was half out of my head but that's no excuse. I know I've messed up, probably to the point things will never be what they could have been. I'd ... I'd still like to try ... that is if you ... you don't ... I mean if you are willing."

My head felt suddenly full of air. I had to sit in the chair because I was so stunned by his words. It sounded like one of those fairy stories I used to read to my sisters. But the problem was my life had never been a fairy story and I knew it wasn't likely to start being one out of the blue. Then I had a thought. "Cor, if this is about you thinking you'll never be free to marry if I'm around so you've decided to make the best of it ... well … we can work something out. You don't have to sacrifice your honor or the coin from the estate. I can ... just fade away. No one has to know. They'll forget about me and ..."

He walked away from me and leaning on the fireplace mantle while looking into the fire's depths asked, "What if I'll never forget about you?"

Still not sure what he was getting at and refusing to believe in the impossible I told him, "We've never really been man and wife, not really ... just on paper. Your conscience will be clean."

He shook his head forcefully. "No it won't. Not my conscience ... nor my heart."

That sure shut me up.

He finally seemed to find it in him to look me full in the face. "You told me once to fall in love again. Do you remember what I told you?"

Quietly I answered, "Yeah. You said you didn't want to."

He gave a self-derisive laugh. "More like I couldn't Fel. I was already in love ... with you. Only it's taken me forever to admit it ... to myself, to you. I ... I wasn't free to feel the way I did for you. I wasn't free to do the things I wanted to do with you … to you. I came close so many times … all I would have had to do was reach out … touch …" He shook his head and slammed his fist onto the marble he was leaning on. "But I don't care what the council said, what anyone said ... I wasn't free. I had obligations of honor to the vows I spoke with Francine." He looked away again. "Then things got even more messed up ... the baby, Francine, coming to terms with what she did, my injuries, her leaving us ... I wasn't fit to try and make the decisions that needed to be made. I couldn't make sense of anything, much less understand why you were still here." Breathing heavy he said, "God forgive me Fel but by the time we went to the festival I was eager for it to be over with. I was tired of making excuses for her, tired of making excuses for myself … tired of denying myself the one thing that I wanted that half way made any sense in my life. Then when I missed the dance I ... I was sure that I had lost you, that I had hurt you so badly on top of all the other times I had hurt you that … that ... I just kept waiting for you to find a good enough excuse to leave. I kept waiting for the pain of the idea of you leaving to carry me off. Then I thought maybe you were just waiting for me to leave so there wouldn't be a scene." He swallowed then quietly added, "I knew you deserved your chance so I made up my mind that one way or the other you were going to get it."

He turned to me and I could tell he was confused. "But then you didn't want me to go on the run with Luke and you didn't leave, not even after having a chance to go with your father's family. I ... I still don't understand that. The night after they left – when by rights I should have been mourning you leaving me forever – I was left grappling with what you had said. You had made a commitment. You said you wouldn't abandon Corman but I couldn't decide if you meant the estate, the people of the estate, both … or if you … possibly you could mean me."

He started pacing. "My head was so full, and the memories in that other room where people expected me to live as if nothing had happened … gah! ... I couldn't sleep. It felt like my head was going to explode so I went for a walk. It felt like I was out for hours and then somehow I wound up at the cabin." He stopped and got down on his knee beside the chair I was sitting in, "I can't sleep without you here Fel. God knows I shouldn't ask, but don't leave. Only … only there's more ... I'm asking that ... God Fel … this is so hard."

His head was buried in his hands and I worried his hair wasn't long to stay there the way he was tugging on it.

"Stop doing yourself damage," I told him reaching out and untangling his fingers from his locks. I felt again that rightness that I had felt when I had given my Da's family my answer. "I'll stay as long as you need me to. But no ... no make believe Cor. I don't need fairy stories and don't believe in them. I'll stay if you need me to and I'll stay for the people on the estate." I brushed his hair with my fingers so it looked less like a rat's nest and told him bracingly, "There now, it's obvious you are just out of sorts. If you want to sit in the rocker that's fine. If you want some companionship or warmth I reckon we can both fit there on the bed; either way neither one of us needs to take on so."

He wasn't finished however. "But what about you Fel? What do you need? Just tell me. I'll do everything in my power to ..."

Feeling uncomfortable I told him, "Oh don't. Don't take on so, it isn't healthy. I like being needed I tell you. I don't want to cripple anyone by making them need me; just I like being needed is all. That's all."

"But what do YOU need?" he persisted.

I could see he wasn't going to turn loose of the question so I sought an answer to satisfy him and found one that was surprisingly simple but honest. "I need a place and people I can belong to. And I already have that here. I will leave if that's what you need but I'll be honest and tell you that my druthers are to stay in some capacity."

His breath caught for a moment then he let it our slowly. Quietly he asked, "What if that capacity is as my wife, my real wife? Not ... not just a paper wife."

He'd left me speechless again.


	64. Epilogue

_**EPILOGUE**_

When I was a slave I thought as a slave and coveted even the smallest things that I might call my own even going so far to try and hide their true value to me. One thing I coveted were the small scraps of books that were left from before the Dark Days. Often in my early life these scraps were only a few pages long, maybe a single page, most often just a piece of a page with a few faded words still legible upon them.

One of my most precious possessions is a scrap of paper that I found not too long after my parents died. It was the first item I collected to rebuild some sort of life for myself with and it had simply blown into my lap on the wind like it had been meant for me alone to find. Upon that scrap of paper is written these words:

 _Life is not always easy. And that is a major reason why it is so precious. Many of life's best rewards are possible only because you must work your way through difficult challenges to get to them. If everything in life were easy, there would be no opportunity for real fulfillment. If the only things you experienced were pleasure and comfort, it would be impossible for you to fully appreciate them. A life of total ease and a complete lack of challenge would be unbearably tedious. When the next challenge comes your way, when the next obstacle blocks your progress, find it in yourself to be thankful. For the difficulties provide you with truly magnificent opportunities to create value, to find meaning and fulfillment in living. The challenges enable you to give of yourself and to make a real difference. And that's something you desire at the deepest level. Life is not always easy. And because of that, you have the opportunity to make it truly great._

Even all these years later I still don't know who wrote that piece, all I have are initials. R.M. I always thought that if my Gran had ever been educated she might have said something like those words. But she wasn't; instead she went one better … she lived those words.

I've tried to live those words too though I've let life trip me up and have fallen short a time or two. Still, I don't think I've done half bad. As I sit here in my chair and think on it there are a few things in this life I regret but I can also say there are fewer than there might have been had I not kept reminding myself over the years of those words and what they mean.

At the creak of the rocker I look over and see he's finally settling for the night. He asks, "Glad to be home?"

I nodded. "Always."

He nodded as well. "Me too." A few moments later he says, "Festival was nice this year but I miss Uncle Rob."

I pat his arm and remind him, "You know the heart just went out of him last year when Winnie passed. At least he stayed around long enough to see his first grandchild draw breath."

A little curmudgeonly Cor mumbled, "The whole flaming territory has seen that child. If Topher crows any louder they'll hear him clear across the 'Cific."

I had to laugh because honestly that wasn't far from the truth. "I don't know who was more surprised that he got up the courage to approach the Captain and Winnie about asking for Rachel's hand … Topher or your uncle."

Rocking quietly Cor admitted, "I have to admit, it was a sight funny to see a grown man nearing thirty dancing around like an idiot because he'd been given permission to call on that wild child. Funnier still when Uncle Rob told us how relieved he was he didn't have to be the one to go to Topher and beg him to take Rachel off their hands. She'd scared off every other suitor that had come calling and more than a few that never actually made it to a first meeting."

I smiled, "Strange how quiet and responsible she's grown since she's been blessed with the mother's curse."

"The what?" he asked.

I explained, "Winnie must have cursed her and told her she hoped she had one just like her."

We both laughed at the idea and then laughed some more when we thought of our own brood. Four boys and four girls all living … and two little ones beside a third out in the family graveyard that I put flowers on every month so folks won't forget them for I never will. If our brood ever get around to having families we'll have to think about rebuilding the cabins on the estate.

When I raised the idea once he was fiercely against it. "No I tell you. May what remains of all those blasted buildings rot to their foundations. I'll not have what they stand for in our family. For each of us there is only one other and that's the way it is and the way it's mean to stay."

"Easy Husband, you're getting a wee bit cranky in your old age."

Outraged he'd said, "I'm not getting old … and I'll prove it to you." I laughed remembering how he'd chased me all to the way to the top of the house and how we'd nearly been caught in the attic by our youngest who'd started to wonder if rats had gotten in somehow.

I found I've never needed the suggestions in that little book I found in Cor's mother's things so many years ago. Seems after we got through that first series of challenges the others that came behind it were easier to face and easier to come up with solutions for … including the "moods" he had … and my own as well.

No, life has not been easy. Life has caught us by surprise a few times. A few of my sisters never made it out of their second decade on earth. Accident, disease, childbirth … life … it happens to us all and all we can do is be as prepared as possible to face it when it does.

And Francine … poor Francine. Cor and I went to her funeral. I know it made some talk but there was once a sweet young girl that my husband loved and we went to mourn that memory as much as the senseless and tragic death of the woman she grew into. Her fantasies became such that she pretended a pregnancy and then birthed a doll. She carried that doll everywhere, treated as a real babe … more real than she had ever thought of the one she'd really birthed. Then there came a flood and the cabin that Francine kept to got caught as the nearby levy gave way. They got her out in time but when she realized her "baby" was still in the cabin she broke away from those caring for her and drowned trying to rescue it. There's a lesson in there but it is so bitter that to try and put it in words would dilute it.

Elder Lathrop didn't live but three months beyond that incident and we again attended the funeral. Hazel pulled me to the side and told us how grateful the family was that we'd forgiven them and given them back some of their standing in the territory by openly showing it. I hadn't even thought of it like that but I suppose there was some forgiveness in there. Strange how a kindness grows bigger than you expect some times. Cor is still sensitive of speaking of that time in our lives but mostly I think it is because he doesn't think people will understand. I'm pretty sure he is right. Sometimes the only way to understand something is to live through it and then accept that the God that breathed the world to life knows what he's doing whether you understand it or not.

Cor and I may have had the hardest start of all my sisters but in some ways we've come away with some of the greatest blessings; or it feels that way most of the time.

 _"_ _Life is not always easy. And because of that, you have the opportunity to make it truly great."_

Cor and I say that to each other every day. And I know we both intend to continue living it until the Good Lord calls us home.

THE END


End file.
